Parallax
by Eliot Rosewater
Summary: A look at things supposing Zak Adama was still around.
1. Prologue

Note:

The definition of parallax is_ "the apparent displacement of an observed object due to a change in the position of the observer." _In other words, hold your thumb arms length away from you. Now close your left eye and look at your thumb with your right. Switch so that the right is closed and left is open. Looks like your thumb moved, right? Not so. That apparent change is called parallax. Symbolism, amirite?

Anyway, let's begin, internet-ghost-friend.

Cheers,

E.R.

* * *

_One Week Before the Attacks on the Twelve Colonies_

When something runs smoothly, there is no better feeling in the universe. All the independent parts come together, and they create something amazing. It's prodigious to think that all these little pieces can somehow work and turn to give the beholder something so simple. That was what Zak Adama was best at: He could make immense complex systems and give the user something simple and useful. When it came to mechanics and engineering, it was like wearing glasses that suddenly made things so clear. People weren't always so easy. It was the human element that Zak couldn't quite master. They are too unpredictable; each one didn't have the same set of rules they had to follow. People aren't like machines. That's what makes them people. They aren't Cylons. They're different, open to interpretation and some of them don't always follow the logic that he was so used to reading in the codes of all the programs he'd written and broken and tested and improved.

But of course it would turn out this way. He was not being summoned for him prowess in engineering, but because of people. He'd received an invitation to the decommissioning ceremony the day before. They only wanted him there for his father. That was fine. Zak could live with that. The two of them usually got on fabulously. The problem with the equation was neither of them, but the third variable. Zak's elder brother Lee had also received an invite. If Zak and his father were x and y, Lee would be the seldom used variable z; the one that only got involved when something more complicated than your everyday xy-plane wouldn't do the job. While the brothers themselves got along alright, if you called occasional letters and annual visits when their schedules allowed 'alright', then there had been _absolutely zero_ contact between Lee and their father since he had been emancipated.

Zak was intrigued to see what would happen. He assured the liaison that he would indeed be in attendance. They happily acknowledged and said they'd send him his travel package. When he'd asked about the status of Lee's invitation, they said they didn't know yet. It was harder to reach him since he was on assignment aboard a Battlestar.

It was difficult to even guess where his brother's feelings would lie. While it would be nice to see him again, Zak wouldn't be all that broken up if he didn't make it. At the very least, it would be easier to talk with Dad without Lee sulking around making him upset. An added bonus, Zak just realized, would be seeing Kara again. Since he'd dropped out of flight school in favor of engineering, the two of them had been an on-and-off thing. Last time he'd visited _Galactica _was a few months ago. They had been very much _on_ then.

He sighed and closed the book on the latest design. It was past dark. There were no windows in his lab, but he could sense it the way he'd heard Kara talk about how the crew on _Galactica_ could tell it was nighttime even in the eternal dark of deep space. It was from her that he'd learned that night is a feeling, not a time of day. Sometimes the blunt and straightforward woman he'd come to love could be so profound.

Either way, he should be getting home. The three others that worked in the lab with him had already packed it in. He wondered if any of his roommates were still around. Alyssa usually had more late nights than Zak did. She was probably still around here somewhere. He shut down all of his equipment and left the lab. The building he worked in had long narrow corridors that led to huge rooms that could just barely contain the size of the projects being constructed inside. It had the feel of a giant warehouse that was unusually clean and fitted with basic, if not strange, creature comforts.

_Engineers can be goofy people,_ Zak reflected. Alyssa certainly was. He probably was, too. But at least Zak had mastered communicating with the rest of humanity. Even if he didn't understand people, Zak could talk and explain complex ideas that they didn't particularly care for to the regular human body in a simple way. That could not be said for many other people in the building. They were all brilliant, of course. Most of them knew it, too. That resulted in some insufferable coworkers with obnoxiously high opinions of themselves. So those ones just thought the rest of the world was stupid or beneath them. _And that's why they work on the boring projects _Zak concluded. Engineering wasn't all numbers and hard science. It takes creativity and networking. The uppity ones utterly failed at networking.

Zak didn't find Alyssa in the demo room. The door to her lab was locked and the lights beyond the observatory glass were off. She was almost constantly in there working on her enumerable projects. Seeing the lab empty, he headed for her office upstairs. Alyssa was a valuable part of the development of planes and other small spacecraft. The brass of the Colonial Engineers of Caprica wanted to name her head of the whole mechatronics department. She had declined, saying that she would much rather work in the lab on her own than be in charge of large groups of people. The request was granted. Instead of being in charge of people, the CE-C gave her no supervisor. Alyssa sent her reports and research directly to the head of aerospace engineering. To bypass his boss was a perk Zak very much coveted.

Light was streaming out of her office doorway. He tapped on the frame to get her attention.

"Ready to go?"

Alyssa shook her head and quickly took her glasses off. She wore them begrudgingly, saying they made it hard to think. Zak didn't understand why. "Yeah, give me a minute."

She had been pouring over a yellow packet of paper that only meant she'd gotten new orders. Zak asked about them. "Aren't you in the middle of a project right now? The one about radiation?"

"What? Oh, yes, I am. Didn't you say you're going to a decommissioning ceremony in a few days?"

"Yes." That was an abrupt change of subject.

"I've just been assigned to go, too. I get to look at their old Vipers and do some playing around. See if I can't retrofit some of those suckers with my prototype gadgets." She could get excited about weird things. What was so great about getting greasy in those old Mark IIs? You'd have to ask Alyssa.

"Aren't the old ones going to stay aboard _Galactica_ as part of a museum?"

Alyssa had collected her stuff, signed a few papers and followed Zak out of the office. "Brass gave me the okay to check some of them out and claim the ones that weren't up to scuff for display. I can restore them if I want. Or test out my toys on its system. Big stuff. Way better than tinkering around with radiation resistance on long-distance Raptors."

For an engineer, Alyssa often got enamored with old technology.

They left the building together and waved their ID badges to the guard. He waved back in acknowledgment. As colonial engineers, they got to work with much more interesting things than their civilian counterparts. The security in the building was also consequentially high. The guards had been known to be a bit lax when it came to late nights and long-time employees finally leaving after a long night. The guards were letting the likes of Zak and Alyssa off easy since before either of them had ever taken an oath with CE-C. Zak supposed it was because both of them must look like innocent lab geeks off to pick their noses and play in virtual castles in their mothers' basements until tomorrow.

_Another thing the world has wrong about engineers_.

Alyssa pulled the ever-present bag of almonds out of her bag and offered some to Zak. They crunched in silence as they waited for their train at the nearby station. There were a lot of things he valued in having a friend like Alyssa. Being able to just sit and not talk without anything being awkward was one of those things. Zak could spend an hour sitting next to her never saying a word and still come away feeling like they'd had a good chat and bonded. But suddenly he felt like chatting.

"How much have I told you about my brother?" he asked.

She looked surprised at the question. "You may have mentioned him once or twice," she said between almond-filled chews. Swallowing, "Why?"

Zak shrugged. "He's supposed to be at the ceremony. For, you know, Dad. Both of them being pilots and all."

"What's the matter? You look like you're holding in a fart." Alyssa didn't always follow the typical rules for normal conversation. She was much more…_homespun_. She popped more almonds in her mouth and started at him with big grey eyes. She often made her eyes comically big; a satire on attentiveness. Alyssa was almost always sarcastic and incredibly difficult to read. It was hard to tell what her words meant a lot of the time. Was she being serious or joking?

"It's nothing. The two of them are just…complicated."

Their train was rumbling down its track. They both stood and waited until it stopped and opened its doors. They entered and stood together with their backs against the partition that separated the doorways from the seats. Neither of the engineers was comfortable sitting on the public transit seats. Working late as they did, they knew what happened in those things when the sun went down.

They resumed their conversation.

"Complicated how?" she asked.

Zak took some of her almonds. "Well, Lee, that's my brother." Alyssa nodded like this was obvious. "He was emancipated when he was fifteen. Big messy family ordeal; the whole drama department was in on it. The thing was, Dad didn't know any of this was going on, so it seemed to Lee like he didn't care what happened to the rest of us. You know, our mother had a hard time with Dad away on duty and having to raise two kids on her own."

"Of course," she chimed with understanding.

"So there's a whole hearing and police, blah blah blah, and Lee got our grandfather involved since he was a lawyer. Next thing you know, Lee's an emancipated minor and he can't live with me and Mother anymore. Dad didn't know a thing about it until about three weeks after the fact."

Alyssa made the appropriate 'astonished-at-the-drama-of-it-all' face.

Zak continued, "So Dad's mad that nobody told him about it. Lee's mad because he said he tried to tell him but Dad kept ignoring his contacts, and 'you abandoned the family, you don't care, I'm a teenager, look at me, look at me.' The two of them never really gelled in the first place, keep in mind. So that came to a head and that was it. They haven't exchanged so much as a birthday card since."

"How dreadful," Alyssa said as she absentmindedly ate more almonds.

"There's more." Zak wondered why he felt so chatty and was telling all this to her now. It was falling out like gossipy word-vomit. "Grandpa was sort of looking out for Lee when he was on his own for about three years until he died. Gramps would always slip us updates on him when Lee wasn't around, since Dad and Mother were worried something awful would happen to a kid on his own. When he died, we all thought a big death in the family would be just the tragedy we need to get everyone back together.

"Not the case. Lee didn't even turn up at the funeral. Dad was _beyond pissed_. Like, that bridge was burned, no chance of crossing, repairs are futile. Fast forward a few years, Lee was turning twenty and what do you know? Dad receives a congratulations letter from his old buddy who was a flight instructor at the time, saying that Dad must be so proud that Lee had just earned his wings; a Viper pilot just like his old man."

Alyssa gasped into her bag of nuts. "You're joking! Only twenty and he got his wings?"

Zak gave her a look. Lee's age wasn't the point. Deciding to ignore it, he went on. "Yeah, Dad was really surprised that he had followed in his footsteps with the whole Colonial Fleet thing. He was still mad as hell, but you could just tell he was proud. Keep in mind, this is the first we've heard of him in about two and half years. I was just enlisting at the time, so my dad's reaction to the news about Lee— "

"…made you want to get the same approval and be the subject of his pride and not your stinking, low-down, family-leaving brother?" She said all this like it was the most obvious thing in the world. But then again, a lot of things were obvious to Alyssa.

He looked at her with a rather shocked look on his face.

"You know what I think?" Alyssa asked.

"Hmm?"

Talking around another mouthful of almond, she said, "You were in flight school, right? What your father always wanted you to do, be a pilot?"

Zak nodded.

"Well, I think you're kind of envious that your brother is a pilot and you're not. You spend all the time you can with your dad and all that good, brown-nosing stuff, but you're not a pilot. You mentioned that your father always talks about your brother being in a Viper like he's proud of him even though he was awful to him and wouldn't even speak with him. He's never done that with you. Talked about how proud he is of you, I mean." Alyssa shrugged. "You don't want to get all three of you together because you don't want Lee to know you're jealous of him, and you don't want your father to know you're mad at him because everything you do isn't good enough to please him."

He vehemently shook his head. "I'm not _jealous_ of Lee. I just don't want to be caught in the middle when the two of them start throwing punches at each other. Besides, I know my father is proud of me."

Alyssa raised her eyebrows and gave him a look. "If you say so."

"I know so."

Never one to leave things damaged, she offered him the bag of almonds. As Zak ate one, she said, "I look forward to meeting him, then. And your mystery girlfriend. You know Tim thinks she's not even real and you made her up. He thinks he'll catch you in the lie now that we're both going to the Battlestar. I'll be his witness."

Zak snorted with laughter. "Kara is very real, I can tell you that."

"_I'm_ not the one denying it. But it would be nice to put a face on the prodigal son and the phantom girlfriend. I've already met Commander Dad."

"You're asking for it."

A few days later, on their day off, Zak was having breakfast with their third roommate Tim. Tim wasn't an engineer like the other two, but worked in the chemical plant experimenting on methods of refinery. It was admittedly late for breakfast, but the three of them considered whenever they woke up a good time to eat breakfast. None of the Colonial researchers really needed to live with a roommate. They all had good-paying positions and could easily support themselves. However, Zak, Alyssa, and Tim weren't of a mind to waste money on three single apartments when they could live together with their friends. If it was anyone else, Zak was sure he wouldn't be able to stand sharing space with them. He had been apprehensive enough about sharing with anyone at the Academy. He'd never had to do that, not even when Lee still lived with him and Mother. But luck was with him when he landed completely amicable friends that, miraculously, had no trouble or complaints about the others' living habits.

Alyssa breezed through the door as the other two were eating toast. "Morning," she said while pulling off her shoes and the goofy leg warmers she always wore. Most people would have stared at her, or perhaps felt embarrassed when her shirt fell on top of her pile of shoes, and she stood there in bra and tattered sweatpants. But not Zak and Tim. They had seen this routine too many times to take notice. She spent a lot of free time with a recreational ballet group. The outfit was simply what she danced in. Besides, Zak thought, Alyssa couldn't be seductive if it was biting her on the ass.

"How'd it go?" Tim asked, holding out a strip of bacon to her without even looking away from his own plate.

Alyssa accepted it. "Okay. Mel still can't turnout and doesn't stretch her feet. Peter spins me too fast." Chomping bacon, she whipped her pointe shoes into her room and sat next to the boys.

Neither pretended to know what anything Alyssa had to say about dance meant. They still asked as a nicety. She usually reciprocated the favor by not elaborating very much. Zak offered her a piece of toast that she took right out of his hand with her mouth, as her hands were busy with her hair. This action had bothered him at first. But with all things about Alyssa, he got used to it quick enough. In fact, the three of them had gotten very good at tossing food to each other and catching it in their mouths. It was a habit that had gotten them booted from several local eateries.

"So, listen," Zak said to her. "My mother called to ask if I wanted to stay with her tomorrow since the flight to _Galactica_ will be early the next morning. Interested?"

"What, you want me to hang out with you and your old lady all day?" Alyssa teased. "I would love to meet Carolanne again. That would be lovely."

"I'll tell her."

"How will you be spending your time during our unfortunate absence?" She was addressing Tim.

Clapping his hangs together to rid them of crumbs, he answered, "I will be camped out here the whole time, eating a hole into our collective pocket, and moving as little as possible."

"So you're not going to invite your _girlfriend_ over? You've got the whole place to yourself." She wiggled her eyebrows at Tim with a sly smile.

"How come it's only weird to us when you ask these questions when it's your sister he's dating?" Zak asked. "I've never met anyone who encouraged someone to invite their sister over while the place is empty."

"Please, Mel can handle herself. I'm not worried about this guy when it comes to her." She patted Tim under the chin.

"It's true. You Windsors can manhandle just about anyone."

"Had to keep up with our brothers," she said by way of explanation.

"Wonder what that's like," Zak said as he pushed back from the table. "I'll call Mother to tell her about you. Sure you don't want to come, Timmy?"

"I don't want to hang out with your mumsy, dude."

Alyssa giggled. "_Dude_?"

"Fine by me, _dude_. We'll be leaving tomorrow morning for Caprica City, then."

"Gotcha." Tim slid his plate over to Zak, hoping he'd clean it for him. "Bring me back something cool."

"Yeah, because there's so many cool things on an ancient Battlestar. I could probably get you a bottle of rust."

"You can get his dad's autograph," Alyssa said. "It would be cute if they had little postcards that said junk like '_I met the commander of a Battlestar!'_ It will be a museum after all. Could be a good idea."

"I'd rather have proof that this girlfriend of yours is real. Send me a picture of the two of you together."

"Kara is real. If that's what you want, I'll do it. Suddenly Aly's word isn't good enough for you?" Zak started to wash his friend's plate.

"I just find it hard to believe that a Viper jock like the one you're describing would ever want to be with a lab geek like you."

"There's nothing wrong with lab geeks." Both Zak and Alyssa said this together. Zak continued, "You're a lab geek, too, by the way."

"I know. But I'm not the one dating a Viper jock. Just an amateur dancer that moonlights as an editor. That's wholly in my league."

"I was almost a Viper jock once. Why can't I date one?"

Tim chortled and Alyssa answered, "Please, Zak. You couldn't fly a _kite_, let alone a Viper. Those jocks just never choose lab geeks; they choose other hot-shot Viper jocks. Doy."

Tim mouthed the word 'doy.' Those two often criticized each other's vocabulary.

Zak rolled his eyes and said with a mock-threatening tone, "You'll see. You'll _all_ see that Kara is real and a Viper pilot. You'll rue the day you doubted me."

Before they knew it, they were heading out to the train station the next morning, their sights set on Caprica City. The two engineers said their goodbyes to Tim. Zak said he'd see him in a few days; Alyssa said she'd see him when she saw him (her assignment would last a few weeks). Tim saw them off, but after that, they were squashed together in a seat on the rather outdated commuter train bound for the city. She fell back asleep rather quickly, but Zak stayed awake to sip his coffee and make sure no one ripped them off.

It was late in the morning when they arrived in Caprica City's busy Acropolis Station. Mother met them just outside in the plaza. Zak hugged her in greeting. It was odd to see how small she was now. It didn't feel so long ago when she used to tower over him. He hadn't seen much of her in recent years. Her long-time boyfriend had kids of his own, and Zak never really felt like he was a part of that family. His parents had divorced when he was ten and the mess with Lee had occurred not long after that. That was when Mother had met her boyfriend Jonas. Zak had spent a lot more time with Dad on bases or staying over with his friends from school once Mother and Jonas had become serious.

Nevertheless, it was nice to see her again. She had been enrolled in a court-ordered recovery program after Lee's emancipation. The program changed her for the better very much. Zak was glad to see how much more healthy and happy she was. Mother led the way to her apartment, which was actually more like a pent house (Jonas was very wealthy). Carolanne insisted 'pent house' made her sound uppity.

When they reached the apartment, Alyssa made her usual surprised face. She'd met Mother before, but had never been inside her house. Zak had been here precious few times, but was not as fazed by the unnecessary luxury of it all. He much preferred the stark interior of the labs in CE-C's compound that had a few old sofas and grumbly vending machines. Mother seated them on a table out on the balcony. Zak wished Alyssa would stop making faces at the floral tablecloth. He wished it even more when servers put brunch items around the table and glasses of water.

Mother shook her hair out and smiled at the two of them. "So how have things been?"

Since Alyssa was still trying to take in the extravagance of his mother's home, Zak answered for them. "Things have been pretty good so far. Status quo. Working hard in the labs, all of that."

"Doing anything interesting?"

"Couldn't tell you if I was."

Mother sighed. "Of course. Why did my boys have to join the Colonial Forces? Makes for incredibly difficult table conversations. Your brother gave me almost the exact same answer."

"Lee was here?"

"Yeah, not more than a month ago. Honestly, I was surprised he even agreed to come." So was Zak but he didn't say so. "I can't say it was a very pleasant visit, but it was a good step that he came at all."

"What did you talk about?"  
"Well, we talked about the same things I wanted to talk to you about." Mother brushed her hair back and just looked at him.

Suddenly, Alyssa finally spoke up. "You're getting married."

Zak and Mother both blinked at her. Mother gave a nervous laugh. "Yes. That's exactly it. Jonas and I are getting married. I wanted to tell you in person and ask if you'd like be there."

He forced himself to smile at her. "That's great, Ma. Of course I'll be there." Zak made himself get up and hug his mother. "Congratulations."

"Thank you, son. I was really surprised when he asked me..." And she was off recounting the whole story. Carolanne never needed much encouragement to keep stories rolling. Zak merely offered a word here and there to satisfy her. Alyssa was completely ignoring the exchange and staring off into the skyline. She was entirely disinterested in stories of love and romance. Not that Zak was, but he figured he could fake it for the woman who had given him life. Mother finally ended her story and excused herself from the table.

Alyssa came to life. Leaning close to him, she whispered, "She has a waiting service in her _house!_ Who _does_ that?"

Zak shrugged. "She's high maintenance? What else do you do what a bunch of money?"

"It's insane. No one is so busy that they can't heat up some food now and then. What does she do all day? She obviously doesn't need a job. I've met her before, but gods, Zak, this place is unreal!"

"I don't know what you want me to say. At least there will be some really cool party favors at the wedding. They've got some cash to burn."

She snorted. "She should donate to CE-C. We could fund an ass-load of research with amount of cubits she wastes turning the air conditioner on with all the windows open."

Of all things she could say, it was very fitting that she would give advice on how to more efficiently control the climate in his mother's house. The rest of the day passed in a similar fashion. Carolanne would shower them with gifts and expensive food. They both would accept and Alyssa would make incredulous faces at things. Once or twice she mouthed the word 'wasteful.' Zak knew what she meant. The engineers were not used to having extra pieces lying around. If it didn't have a function, what was the point of something being there? Mother did not share this view, as the pent house was filled with many 'decorative' pieces.

It was a relief at the end of the day to lie down in one of the spare rooms and catch some sleep. As much as he wanted it, sleep would not come to Zak Adama. After tossing and turning for an hour and a half, he decided to get up and see if some fresh air would make a difference. When he got the sliding glass door leading to the balcony, he saw his mother seated at the now-unclothed table smoking.

"I thought you quit," he said by way of greeting.

"I did," she said, putting it out in the tray she had next to her. Zak sat across from her. "What are you still doing up?"

"Couldn't fall asleep. You?"

"Just thinking."

"Oh, yeah? About what?"

"The wedding." She rolled her eyes as she said this. "I'm really happy you're coming."

"Of course I'm coming. I'm happy for you. Don't we all deserve to be with someone who makes us happy?"

Mother gave him a strained smile. "I wish everyone felt that way."

"Lee?"

She nodded. Zak noted that it looked like her eyes were growing watery. He didn't think he could handle it if she started crying. "Don't think about it, Ma. It was a long time ago. You can't change any of it now." He held her hand.

"He hates me. I don't blame him. I deserve to be hated."

"Mother. Don't. You're a different person now."

"I know. It's just…you should have seen him. I did that to him. I made him that way."

"He made himself that way." Zak didn't know how much he agreed with that, but he just wanted to comfort his mother.

"_I_ did it. _I _was the one that hit him." Her voice hitched on the last word. "I could have killed him."

Zak closed his eyes and counted down from five before he said anything. They never spoke about this. Not once. "We all turned out fine. You were just doing the best you could under the circumstances."

She scoffed. "What sort of mother does that make me, if _that_ was the best I could do for my children?"

He bit his tongue. This was too difficult. It was hard to comfort his mother when Zak had been on the receiving end of her abuse before. Not in the same way Lee had been, but abuse all the same. There really wasn't anything he could say to assuage her. There was nothing for him to do for her and he was becoming unbelievably uncomfortable, so Zak stood up to leave.

"I'm sorry you're going through this, but we all have to suffer the consequences of our actions. I'll tell Dad you say hi. I'll come see you again when the ceremony is over. We can talk more about the wedding or whatever you want. Tell Jonas I said congratulations." With those departing words, he went back inside and rested relatively easily.

Morning followed night and the two engineers rose with the sun. There was an uncomfortable goodbye between mother and son. Zak assured her that they would talk more when he got back. They acted very formal, neither wanting to make a scene in front of the third party.

However uncertain he felt toward his mother, Zak didn't want her losing any sleep over years-old problems. They were too old to fix, so what was the point thinking on them? He hugged his tiny mother and whispered, "Don't think about it. I still love you anyway."

Carolanne put her hand over her nose and nodded. She smiled at her son with wet eyes. "I know. Have a safe flight."

"That's not up to us." Alyssa attempted a joke. No doubt she was feeling uncomfortable, like a third wheel.

Zak made a face at her. She slowly stuck her tongue out at him. Turning back to his mother, "I'll see you when I get back, then. Bye."

"Goodbye, Zak." She gave a wave to his companion. "Nice to see you again."

"Likewise, ma'am."

They were gone and aboard their ship in no time at all. Alyssa sat sideways in her seat, back facing the aisle so she could look at her friend. Zak knew she was expecting him to tell her what the awkward goodbye was about. All three of the roommates didn't have much use for privacy and usually didn't mind telling each other everything. Secrets were a concept that didn't comprehend for them.

"Are you going to make me ask? Really, Zak?" Alyssa crossed her legs under her on the seat. Zak thought the position made her look like a child.

"She's just upset."

She looked at him with her big-eyed look, expectant.

"Her wedding plans. My brother made her upset."

"You're leaving something out of your family drama story." She put her hands up. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me. Not unless you want to. Just don't act like a doofus. _Weddings_, am I right?"

You could always appreciate Alyssa's ability to let things go. Her complete disconnection from any matters of the heart made her an excellent friend sometimes. It often worked against her since it came off like she didn't care about anyone else. Only if you knew her better than that could you tell that she really did feel things deeply. Most people thought that a good friend would wrestle the truth of what was bothering you out into the light whether you liked it or not. They wanted to help you. Alyssa didn't do that. Zak had known her for years and she'd never tried to squeeze the truth out of anyone. That didn't mean she didn't care, just that she would hear it whenever you wanted to tell her. It was with a smile that Zak realized that almost everyone ended up spilling their guts to her anyway. He wouldn't be surprised if he told her the circumstances of their 'family drama' and why it put his mother on edge.

A voice cracked over the intercom. "This is Colonial Flight 798 departing Caprica for the Battlestar _Galactica. _Would all passengers please be seated? Launch is underway."

Alyssa shifted into an appropriate sitting position and smiled at Zak. "Here we go."


	2. Ruhestand

If there was a plus side to sitting on your ass for hours on end while zooming through the vacuum of space, Lee didn't know what it was. He'd been through long hauls stuck in a cockpit before, but none of those trips felt quite like this one. No doubt the feeling was spurred on by what was waiting for him on the other end. Rather, _who_ was waiting for him. Lee supposed this long flight was supposed to make him cool down. So far all it had done was make him angrier.

It was one thing to be invited to the decommissioning ceremony. It was a whole different beast to be _ordered_ to attend. Lee was not one to relish military pomp and protocol. He had even less patience for media parades. There was nothing he was accomplishing by being on _Galactica. _It was just a big photo op. An order veiled in an invitation was just a nice way to say 'we're forcing you to be an advertisement and make good publicity for the fleet.' It disgusted him that they were asking him to go to that rust bucket in the sky to stand next to his father and smile like he was so proud.

He would go, like his orders said. He would do just what he was told and not a single thing more. If the best he could offer the fleet was to stand around and pose for pictures, Lee felt very useless indeed. Surely there were better things he could be doing. He was beginning to suspect his promotion to captain was just a big prelude to this ceremony. Bitter thoughts stewed with him all the way onto _Galactica_'s flight deck. He was further irritated by something as little as the hands-on approach he had to make. As the plane descended onto the flight deck, Lee did his best to wipe the sour look off his face. There was no sense in being rude to the deckhands.

The tow pulled his Viper into the hangar. Lee began his routine checks. Releasing the lock on the canopy, he slid the protective cover forward. He pulled the release on his helmet and the familiar hiss of external air flooding his flight suit filled his ears. Around him deck hands brought up a ladder and detached the oxygen hose on the suit. Lee took off the helmet and handed it to waiting hands. Sitting back in the seat, his lungs filled with a deep breath. It was breath to take in the atmosphere and brace himself for the torture that was sure to come. The irritation that had been present during the whole flight still hadn't quite dissipated. The deckhand beside him reached for the airtight collar around his neck; a piece Lee almost always forgot about. When that was gone, he climbed from the cockpit onto the hangar deck.

He was greeted by a deckhand standing immediately at the bottom of the ladder. His proximity caught Lee off guard. The man was saluting him with an odd look on his face. Lee returned the salute.

He spoke, "Morning, sir. Chief Tyrol. I'll be your crew chief while you're aboard."

Lee began to remove his gloves, faintly annoyed at the chief's chipper demeanor. "Morning, Chief. Captain Lee Adama." He moved past the other and gave his bird a quick look-over.

"Pleasure to meet you, sir," Tyrol had said while offering a hand. Lee seemed not to notice and kept going without reciprocating. The chief followed after him. "I'm sure you've heard this before: I'm a great admirer of your father's. Service is going to miss him when he retires."

Lee clenched his jaw unconsciously. "I'm sure someone will. Is your auto landing system down? I was hands-on for the whole approach."

"It's all hands on here, Captain. There are no auto-landings on the _Galactica. Commander_ Adama's orders." He spoke with an emphasis on his father's rank, his friendly demeanor suddenly gone.

"Is that right?" Lee asked rhetorically. He left the hangar without another word.

Bubbling like a hot soup, he stalked down the cold corridors trying to get a handle on his emotions. Stares followed him as he went, but there were blessed few people around that part of ship. Was it too much to hope that these people weren't a bunch of ass-kissers to his father?

He assembled with the rest of the pilots. He took a seat near the back of the briefing room hoping to blend for now. The room quickly filled and the commander of the air group took his place at the front of the room.

"Morning," the CAG greeted his charges.

"Morning, sir!" the group chorused back to him.

"Alright, today's the main event. We have a formation demonstration, flyby maneuvers in conjunction with the decommissioning ceremony. I've got a few changes to the flight plan. Lieutenant Thrace is being replaced in the slot by Lieutenant Anders." This was met by several eye rolls and exchanges of knowing looks among the pilots. Lee deduced that Kara hadn't changed her ways much since their overlapping time at the Academy. The CAG continued, "Also we have Captain Lee Adama joining us, and he's going to be flying lead during the flyby. So please welcome the captain."

Lee could have been convinced that he was back in primary school being introduced to a new class again. The pilots politely applauded. Phrases like "Good to have you", "Welcome, Apollo," and "Welcome aboard, Captain" were hurled at him. A few even craned around in their seats to look at him. _Ass-kissers indeed, _he thought. Nevertheless, he tried to make himself smile at them. It came out looking painful and smug.

"Thanks to Chief Tyrol and his deck gang, Captain, you're going to have the honor of flying the actual Viper that your father flew almost forty years ago."

Pilots looked around at him expectantly. Was he supposed to say something? This was news to him. Lee didn't know what to say, but not for the reasons the others probably expected.

"Great," he finally managed. "That's quite an honor."

"Yes, it is, Captain. And personally I can't think of a better way to send this ship into retirement."

Lee didn't listen to the rest of his briefing. Thankfully, there wasn't much of it anyway. The buzzing in his ears was sounding too loud. It was probably anger bubbling right below the surface. How could all these people love his father so much? What had gone on aboard this ship that made them worship him so? Appreciating his father was a concept Lee Adama could not so easily grasp. What was it that they could see in the commander that made him such a great man? There had to be something since no amount of distance could separate Lee from him. Maybe the father cast too big a shadow for the son to ever step out of.

Meanwhile, Colonial Flight 798 landed on the flight deck of _Galactica_ to deposit its passengers. Zak Adama and Alyssa Windsor slid down the ladder into the corridor. A guide stood ready to greet them at the bottom with a young man and an older woman. The guide seemed to recognize Zak and took some notice of Alyssa's uniform.

"Hi, I'm Aaron Doral. I'm from Public Relations."

"Hi!" Alyssa said with a little too much enthusiasm.

Aaron Doral looked a little taken aback but he quickly recovered. "If you'll follow me, I just have to show Madame Secretary Roslin to her quarters, and then I'll lead you…"

"No, thanks. I think we can manage on our own, Mr. Doral." She smiled at him.

"Thank you, though," Zak said. He hoped Aaron Doral could see his apology about her behavior. Clearly all the old things were exciting her.

The two engineers set off down the corridors together, leaving the guide with his 'Madame Secretary'. Zak knew his way around the Battlestar and would be just fine leading his friend. He decided to take them to his father's quarters first. This early in the day and they might just catch him there.

"Would you look at this place?" Alyssa said. Her eyes were wide trying to take everything in at once. "Zak, I think I'm in love."

"I didn't know you were capable of love."

"Don't be ridiculous. I told you about the dogs I had as a kid. I loved them."

"You've gone from animals to spacecraft," he mumbled. "A step in the right direction."

"Hey, it's a lot less messy than loving humans."

Zak supposed she had that right. He waved and exchanged passing conversation with the crew he recognized as they headed toward the ship's living quarters. It was nice to see them again. He had visited _Galactica_ so frequently it almost felt like staying with extended family when he was there. Perhaps he should stop down and say hi to Chief Tyrol really quick before searching for his father...

"Their phones have _wires_, Zak!" Alyssa hissed in his ear. It sounded as though she'd never even heard of the concept of wires before. She worked with them almost all day, every day. "_Wires!_ They're so rustic. It's like going back in time. If only I was born a generation earlier!"

"Dad will be glad to tell you stories of that time if you ask nicely, I'm sure. Come on, hurry up. If we stay linger any longer you're going to start asking me if they have light bulbs, too."

She scurried after him, but missed the sarcasm (as she was like to do when distracted). "Well that would be plain stupid. Of course they have light bulbs. If they had candles everywhere the wax would drip and make a mess. Also it would burn off the oxygen, which would be a waste. You can't have such a small fire survive in space unless the Battlestar was an actual star. Doy."

"I know how space works."

"Could have fooled me."

They reached the hatch of the commander's quarters just as the man was exiting. His serious face was shed instantly, replaced with a smile for his son. Zak shook his father's hand, as was their tradition when other people were around.

"Commander."

"Officer Cadet, it's good to have you aboard my ship." William Adama turned his attention to his son's companion. "And it's nice to see you again, Captain Windsor. _Galactica_ is lucky to have you on assignment here."

Alyssa's smile looked too big to be allowed. Zak had never seen such a crass display of emotion from her. "Thank you, sir. I don't know if you'll be saying that later. I just about crapped my pants walking down your ship's halls. She's a thing of beauty. I'd hate to disrespect her with my incontinence." She bit her lip as she realized what she'd said. "I didn't mean for it to sound like that."

The commander was unbothered by her lack of filter. That or he kindly ignored it. "I'm just happy to have such capable hands looking after her when I leave. I'd rather the Vipers be used in research than left to collect dust behind a rope."

"Yes…sir."

They had ranks and basic military protocol in the engineering compound, of course. But it usually wasn't observed the way it was on an active (for now) Battlestar. In the lab, your rank simply told other people how high you'd climbed the 'corporate ladder' so to speak. Zak's rank of officer cadet only meant that he did independent research in the lab, but still reported to the head of Weapon Systems Technology, who in turn reported to whoever was in charge of the Mechatronics Department, and that person finally reported to the mythical being that led Aerospace Engineering. Alyssa's rank, captain, put her at the same clearance level as the Mechatronics Department head. The only difference being that she didn't have to rule over everyone beneath her like the actual head of the department did. Be that as it may, no one in the entire engineering building paid much attention to ranks. They only thought of each other as supervisor or friend. Hardly anyone was even called by their title; only the really high-up officials. The two engineers had to remember to use the correct terms of respect. Alyssa couldn't go around telling the commander about how she leaked bodily fluids through his Battlestar. Not without a 'sir' at least.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to have a look around. See if I can't find this museum they're allegedly turning this work of art into. That should be a crime, by the way." Alyssa was already halfway down the hall when she finished telling them this.

"Strange kid," Bill said.

"Yeah, but a good friend." Zak and his father set off down the corridor in the opposite direction that Alyssa had gone. "How does it feel to be retiring?"

"It's strange. The service is all I know. I guess it won't be so bad to finally sit back and not worry about anything for a change. You can take care of my every need."

He laughed at that. "I don't think that's happening. I've got a job doing important things. There won't be any time to pour you another drink."

The father smiled. There was never enough time like this with his son…_sons. _Sometimes he forgot he had two. "Ah, well. On the holidays, then. And your time off. It's cruel to leave an old man on his own."

"I'm sure good old Colonel Tigh would like to stay with you. It'll be just like your days at the Academy. Roommates aren't so bad."

"I don't think I could live that close to Ellen."

Zak considered that. He had met Ellen Tigh in the past. "You're probably right."

They walked on in silence for a little bit, both avoiding the big question. Zak grew weary of this game first, as he spent most of his time with people who didn't skirt around their problems. "Has _Captain_ Adama graced us with his presence yet?"

Bill seemed to grimace for a fraction of a second. "Yes. I got word that he landed about a half hour ago."

"And you haven't seen him?"

"No."

"You guys can't do this forever. If you sit around waiting for Lee to make the first move, you're going to be waiting around for a long time. Extend an olive branch to him."

"I'm not going to force myself on him. When he's ready to talk, he can come find me."

Zak had to exercise great control not to groan out loud. They could be such children sometimes. Hearing Alyssa talk about poop was more grown up than those two were. He didn't have time to offer a rebuke because the same woman he'd recognized when he got off the flight was walking toward them. Poor Aaron Doral was scurrying to keep up.

"You must be the commander," the woman said to his father. "I'm Laura Roslin, Secretary of Education. Do you mind if I asked you a few questions?"

"I'd be happy to answer any questions you have," Bill said, all diplomacy. He turned to Zak. "Officer Cadet, if you would report back later…"

"Actually, would it be alright if he stuck around? We wanted to get some shots of the commander and his sons, if your questions for the commander won't be long, Madame Secretary." That was Aaron Doral.

"No, it's fine. I won't take long at all," Secretary Roslin said.

Elsewhere on the ship, Lee was keeping Kara Thrace company as she spent her time in the brig. He leaned against the bars of her cage and asked what she'd done this time.

She rolled her eyes with a shake of the head. "Striking a superior asshole."

Still up to her same old tricks then. In the few years their time at the Academy had overlapped, Lee and Kara had formed a strange bond. They had known of each other but never actually talked until she and Zak had started seeing each other. But pretty much everyone within a wide radius of the Academy knew who Kara Thrace was even before that. Even after Zak dropped out of flight school and Kara and Lee no longer had that common bond, they kept hanging out. She had joined the service younger than most just like Lee had. The two of them would meet up for drinks and spend the night talking about nothing and everything. They had a lot of shared experiences in their pasts that brought them closer together. Sometimes Lee wondered if his decision to go to War College after earning his wings had something to do with staying close to Kara. He usually didn't let himself think about it too much. It almost always left him feeling confused.

"Bet you've been waiting all day to say that one."

"Most of the afternoon, yeah."

Lee pulled a chair over to the bars and sat. He wasn't going to go to the ceremony and risk running into _people_ a moment sooner than he needed to. Kara leaned back against the cot in her cell.

"So who was it this time?" he asked.

"Tigh. _Colonel_ Tigh, excuse me."

"Ah. I take it you have a reason why he deserved it?"

"It's not my fault he can't play a winning hand." She tried to look innocent. It was a look that never suited Kara Thrace. "He started it by flipping the table. Sloppy drunk…"

He smiled crookedly at her. "Sounds like the colonel. Do you believe there was a brief time there when I actually called him Uncle Saul?"

Kara snorted. "Yeah, that doesn't sound like you. That doesn't sound like _anybody._ Good thing he never had kids, eh? Can't you just see it?"

"I'd rather not."

"They're bald when you picture them, too, aren't they?"

He shook his head but smiled anyway. They were.

"Has Zak gotten here yet?" Kara glanced at the clock over by her guard.

Lee shrugged. "I suppose he should be here by now. They announced over the PA that the Secretary of Education had arrived. He was probably on the same flight. Too bad you're going to be spending the whole ceremony down here." He was actually contemplating what he'd have to do to get sent down here so that he could miss it, too. At least he'd have good company. But getting thrown in hack was just as likely to draw his father to him as doing as he was told in the first place.

"Well, here's to hoping your baby brother will come to me since I can't go to him. Woe is me."

"Woe is you," Lee repeated.

"So have you gone to see him yet?"

"I just said I wasn't even sure he was aboard yet."

"Not Zak, your father."

"Oh." He wished she hadn't brought it up. Most of the time he wished no one would bring it up. That seemed like something he wouldn't find here on _Galactica_. So far the only place he _had_ found a respite from his sire's influence was at home, alone in his apartment. "No. I haven't seen him."

Kara rolled her eyes at him. "How long are you going to do this?"

"I'm not doing anything."

She didn't know why Lee was being such a wussy about this. Sure he'd told her his reasons, but they didn't sound awful enough to warrant the crevasse that existed between the two. In fact, Kara was probably the one that knew the Adama family best, Carolanne exempted. She'd heard the story from all angles and personally thought they needed to suck it up, hug it out, or just get over it. It wasn't normal for stupid teenage angst to be dragged along for so many years. But then again, how would Kara react if someone had told her to just _get over it_ when it came to _her_ parents? This was different though. Awful mothers aside, there was still a father there for Lee, unlike her. She didn't think he should take that for granted. If she'd said any of this to him, Kara was sure he'd hit her. Not that they weren't used to hitting each other. In fact, that was their most effective method of conflict resolution. Now simply wasn't the time for that.

"It's stupid, Lee. You're alienating your whole family." He looked at her with an eyebrow quirked. "No one does that on purpose. Is it really worth it?"

"Things have been working out fine so far. Besides, I still talk with Zak. I met with my mother a few weeks ago."

"Sure, probably just to glare at her and tell her how much you still hate her."

"I didn't do any of that." It was her turn to raise an eyebrow at him. "Fine, I didn't _say_ anything like that. I can't help any looks I may have given her. What was I supposed to do when she asked me to go to her _wedding_? What would make her think I would ever do that? Look what a mess the first one was."

"Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe she was trying, _once again_, to make peace with you? You've never given her the chance to apologize."

"Have you given _your_ mother the time of day?"

"We're not talking about me."

"She doesn't need to apologize. We've gone our separate ways and we're all better for it."

Kara frowned at him. "You don't actually believe that."

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Do we really have to talk about this?"

"Not now, but it won't go away if you don't get the frak over it and talk to your dad. _And _your mother while you're at it."

They had a brief staring contest that Kara won. Lee sat back in his seat with a sigh. "I need a drink."

"We on _Galactica_ do not approve of drunken pilots." She paused. "But colonels are allowed to be on active duty while buzzed from time to time."

"I've missed you. There aren't enough people like you in the fleet."

Kara smiled uncertainly. "Well, I'm one of a frakkin' kind. All the brigs would be full if there were more of me…I heard they've got you flying the old Mark II Tyrol rustled up for the flyby."

"Yeah. What an honor it is to be flying that old junker," he said sarcastically. "I'll be happy if that doesn't blow up right out of the tube. Is it even safe?"

"Trust me; if Tyrol made it, it's solid. Press is going to have a field day with it."

"I know. I'm pretty sure that's the only reason I'm here. You'd think it would make more sense if one of _Galactica_'s own pilots led the flyby. Really anybody that has served here. She's not _my_ ship."

"Can't you just smile and be a good mascot?"

Lee gave her his best grimace. "I _feel_ like a mascot. They probably have a costume for me to wear somewhere, or a mug that says 'Best Dad in the Universe' to give to the commander."

"Nah, that's more of a job for the baby of the family."

"Right. So I guess I've got that." Looking at the ceiling, he suddenly added, "You should be leading the flyby. You're more his product than I am. You've served under him for a while. It would mean more."

"I don't think he'd agree. You flying his Viper will mean something to him. More than me flying it."

"Don't be so sure."

"_You_ don't be so frakking sure. You don't know anything. You're too pouty to talk to him, so what the frak do you have to say about anything?"

He put his hands up to her in a motion of surrender. Changing the subject, he asked, "So where are they putting you after the decommissioning?"

"I'm not sure. Haven't really thought about it. I heard that they might be sending me back to being a flight instructor. As long as I still get to sit in a Viper, I don't really care where they send me. I'd probably chew each of my fingers off before becoming a bus driver."

"They wouldn't do that; not to the best pilot on the ship… unless you pissed someone off and they wanted to humble you."

"I may have met a few people that wouldn't mind doing just that to me."

"Why am I not surprised?"

Kara tried to look innocent again.

"After the ceremony, I've got some time on leave. When they're done processing your new assignment, let's go for a drink."

She smiled at him. "You want me to drink you under the table again? Sure, it's a date."

They stared at each other and Kara made a face at what she'd said. She hadn't meant it like that. The awkwardness was interrupted by an ensign that came into the room.

"Excuse me, Captain?" he called.

Lee looked away, grateful for the distraction. "What is it?"

"Your presence is requested in the press room. Dress grey, they say." The ensign looked nervous.

"Say no more, I'll be right there." The ensign left and Lee stood up. To Kara he said, "Looks like I have to put on my costume."

"Lee, go easy on him," she called. "It's his retirement for frak's sake."

Soon enough he was walking the corridors up to the press room in his dress grey uniform. For reasons unknown, he felt his heart hammering in his chest. He had no logical reason to be anxious. Knowing it was illogical was not enough to calm him though. Lee could distinctly remember the last time he'd been in such close proximity to his father. It wouldn't do if he got this worked up at just the idea of being in the same room with him. He steadied himself against the bulkhead in the deserted corridor. Anger began stirring within, not only at the commander but at himself for reacting this way. The normal buzz of the lights on the Battlestar seemed to fade out, replaced by a ringing in his ears and the words of his last face-to-face encounter with his father began echoing in his head.

_"Why would you do this to your mother? To all of us?" his father had asked of him. "Do you realize the position you've put us in? You could have ruined your mother's entire reputation."_

_Lee sat next to his grandfather at the table, opposite Bill. They were three generations trying to meet on common ground and hash this all out. The youngest Adama shifted in his seat uncomfortably; partially due to the withering glare of his father and partially from the half-healed burns on his arms and chest. _

_"What, nothing smart to say anymore?" His voice was rising. Lee wouldn't meet his eyes._

_"William," Joseph warned. "If you're going to yell at him, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." _

_"I just want an explanation. Why would he drag his mother through the mud like that? It's all because this shit can't take any discipline. He was always insolent," Bill spat. "They're calling her a drunk!"_

_"__**She is!**__" The words burst forth from Lee's lips unexpectedly. Joseph put a hand on his grandson's shoulder to try and rein him in. It didn't work. Father and son met gazes for the first time. "You just left us with her when you _knew_ what she was like! You just packed up and moved on because it was too much for you to deal with! What was I supposed to do, just keep taking it even when she started in on Zak?"_

_Bill looked ready to throttle him. "You should have called me!"_

_"__**I did!**__You were the one that wouldn't answer! I guess we just weren't your problem anymore once the divorce was finalized. What would I have said if you did answer? 'Hi, Dad, how's space? And, oh yeah, Mother gets drunk and beats the crap out of me every night. Could you please make her stop before she does it to Zak, too?'"_

_"That's exactly what you should have said!"_

_"Well I guess we'll never know since you didn't care enough to answer when I tried to call you!"_

_"How dare you make this my fault!" Bill gripped his son's arm. _

_Lee's hissed as the pressure of his hand clamped on the skin that was still raw from the burns. Joseph quickly intervened. "William, let go of him. __**Now**__."_

_Bill dropped Lee's arm and was briefly horrified at himself for grabbing him like that. He quickly recovered as his son cradled his arm to his stomach. "There were a thousand things you could have done that would have solved this problem better than what you chose."_

_"It was all I could think to do. It's not like I had a father there for me. He stopped coming by a long time ago. Excuse me for taking that to mean you didn't care. Most normal people at least talk to their kids after a divorce. Especially ones that knowingly left their kids in the hands of a drunk! That's why you left, isn't it? What made you think she'd be better once you left?" Lee's words were strained by the lump in his throat. _

_"You didn't have to call the police on your own mother! Do you have any idea the state you've left your brother in?"_

_"He's safe!" Lee tried to say._

_Bill spoke over him, "He has no one to take care of him after you threw his mother into confinement!"_

_"Gods forbid you take care of your own son!" _

_Bill hardly realized what he was doing when he slapped Lee across the face. Joseph was on his feet in an instant. Both his son and grandson seemed stunned at what had just happened. Bill was already regretting it. The look on Lee's face was enough to tell him he'd gone too far. _

_"William, I think you should leave. Someone needs to pick up Zak. You better go." Joseph stood protectively in front of his grandson until his own son nodded with a resigned look on his face._

_"I wish she'd killed me," Lee choked through his tears as his father was led away. "I wished she'd killed me so I didn't have to see you ever again." _

_"Well, you're emancipated now. You're the one who quit this family so don't ever try to come back. I hope you're happy now," Bill said with acid. _

_Joseph led him away from Lee and to the front door. Both of them stood out on the porch. _

_"He'll come around," Joseph assured him. _

_"I don't care what he does anymore. He's no son of mine."_

_The elder Adama sighed. "He's been hurt, William. He needed help and didn't know what to do." _

_"He should have asked me for help, not get his mother arrested and abandon his brother. No thanks to you for enabling him. If I never see that boy again, it will be too soon." _

_"You don't mean that."_

_"I've got to get Zak. He's been through enough thanks to_ him_. I'll talk to you some other time."_

_Bill left without another word. Joseph watched him for a while before going back inside. By the time he got back to the table Lee had already vanished. _

Drawing in a deep breath, the buzzing of the Battlestar's lights filled his ears once more. The ringing subsided. Lee pushed the echoes in his head to the back of his mind where they wouldn't seem so loud. They were always there, but it was best to keep them locked up. He only let them out when he was at home in his apartment. There they could run free where no one could see. Sometimes they wouldn't go back in their cages unless he found himself at the bottom of a bottle. But only when he was at home, and even then it was rare.

Any way you slice it, here was not the place to let them loose. Lee shook himself back together. This had to be the longest day of his life. He got his feet moving again. Perhaps the best way to do this was to go fast and get it over with. He could smile and be a mascot for a few pictures like Kara said. Couldn't he?

Lee walked too fast to give it a full thought. Sooner than he'd liked, he was making his way through the hatch of the press room. He found he was holding his breath when a PR representative quickly spotted him. Suddenly a path cleared before him and at the end of that path was his father and little brother. He and Zak met each other's gaze. Zak raised a hand in greeting with a small smile. Lee reciprocated by clenching his jaw. He avoided his father's eyes all together.

"If the three of you could stand together there," the PR rep said. "With the commander in the middle."

It was as if he had known Lee was going to stand so that Zak was a between himself and his father and deliberately chose to make it worse. He did as the man bid, though, taking careful measures to leave some space between them. It was too much to manage a smile, so Lee did his best not to scowl and keep a mask of neutrality on his face. Time seemed to stretch on as the cameras snapped at them. Finally they lowered their weapons. The ringing was already starting to sound in his ears again. Lee moved to make an escape but the PR rep piped up before he could.

"Would you mind if we got some of just you and the commander?" he asked him.

He felt stricken. Instinctually, he looked around for some way to escape or anyone that could help him. Zak smiled at him with amusement and slinked off to the side. The media was looking at him expectantly. So, with no other choice, Lee walked woodenly to his father's side. The ringing intensified.

"Could you stand a little closer?" the rep asked pushing his hands together. He actually smiled. Commander and Captain shuffled a microscopic amount closer together, careful not to touch. That was shot to hell when there was another request. "Commander, could you put your arm around your son?"

Lee froze in place hardly daring to breathe. This had to be a cruel joke. He'd rather stand here naked. Hardly anything could be heard over the ringing in his ears now. Ten-year old voices raged in his head when his father's hand hovered over his shoulder. When he finally did touch him, he felt that hand slapping his face a thousand times before it was finally gone, along with the media. Lee thought he was going to collapse. Without thinking about it, he was already ten steps away from his father. It appeared it was instinct to keep away.

The commander's voice called to him, "You want some coffee?"

Hesitation gripped him. Was that an order? Couldn't keep going now; the hesitation ruined the 'I-didn't-hear-you' excuse. There was nothing for it but to turn around. Lee angled his body at the commander but kept his eyes anywhere but on his face. Zak watched from the table.

"No, sir. Thank you, sir."

"Why don't you sit down?" Bill had turned his back to him and poured himself a glass of water from the tray on the table. Lee remained standing. He looked to Zak for help, but his younger brother shook his head; he wouldn't interfere. "Congratulations on making captain. Sorry I wasn't there."

_I hope you're happy now._

"Thank you, sir."

Bill glanced at Zak and posed the next question to either of them. "How's your mother?"

Lee looked away clenching his jaw again, so Zak answered. "Getting married."

That gave the father pause. "Good for her. We spoke about a year ago. Had a real heart-to-heart. It was good."

"I'm glad to hear that, sir. Will that be all?"

Zak knew that had been the wrong thing to say. Anything to do with Carolanne from Bill was likely to have sparked the short fuse of tolerance that Lee had for the topic. The short responses from him were clearly inflaming his father, too. Neither seemed to have any patience for the other. This wreck was about to burst into flame and crash-land all over the press room. Zak braced himself for impact.

"Why don't you talk to me, Lee?"

_Slap._

It wasn't possible to hear anything over the screaming and ringing in Lee's head. A blood vessel would probably burst from all of the noise. He wasn't sure what to make of the use of his name. It had been ten years since he'd heard him say it. Lee almost laughed. "What do you want to talk about?"

"About anything. You've been here for an hour."

_Slap. Slap. Slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap-slap. _

"Well, I don't have anything to say." The momentum was rolling and word-diarrhea began to cover them all. "My orders said report here and participate in the ceremony. So I'm here. And I'm going to participate in the ceremony. There wasn't anything in my orders about having any heart-to-heart chats with the old man."

Bill glanced at Zak while that washed over both of them. The son seemed to be telling him to abort his mission. Didn't Bill see that this wasn't going to work right now? He should try again some other time; this was going to blow up in his face. It was the lack of time together that they had left that drove Bill to keep the pressure on. He hadn't wanted to force himself like this, but now that the three of them were together in one place, it seemed like the right thing to do. This was something that could be put back together. Zak's warning to quit be damned.

"Accidents happen," he pressed on.

_I hope you're happy now_.

"Dad, listen, I…" It was not without extreme effort that Lee made himself say the word 'dad'. It felt foreign and strange on his lips.

Bill kept going even as Lee kept lamenting how much he didn't want to do this. "You know, all the things you talked to me about at your grandfather's house…They still ring in my ears after ten years."

"_Good_!" Lee was glad to hear that he wasn't the only one with ringing in his ears. "Good. Because you know what? They were meant to."

Zak put his head in his hands.

"You had other options."

_I hope you're happy now_.

"Does this ring any bells: _'Hi, Dad, how's space? And, oh yeah, Mother gets drunk and beats the crap out of me every night. Could you please make her stop before she does it to Zak, too?_' How many options does a fifteen-year old kid have in that situation when his own father won't even take his calls?"

"We've already talked about this. You could have just asked your grandfather for help."

"_I did_."

"_Before_ you got your mother arrested. Besides, that's still no excuse for you to abandon everyone like this."

_"'You're the one who quit this family so don't ever try to come back.'_ Does that one sound familiar to you? You're the one that said it. I'm just following your orders, _sir_. It's what you always wanted, isn't it?"

_Slap_.

"Lee, don't be like this," Zak said, touching his shoulder.

He jumped at the contact. Heat spread from the spot, white-hot and burning. He hadn't noticed his brother's approach. Nothing could be heard over the last ten years playing on repeat all at once in his head. _I hope you're happy now._ He braced himself for the worst as his father came closer. The instinct to turn and run was poking at his brain insistently. With both of them closing in, it felt alarmingly like a trap. He could have been seven years old again, alone in the house with his mother.

"We can get past this, can't we?"

_Slap. _

"Sir?"

"It was a long time ago, son. We're all different people, and we've all said things that we regret. Let's just start over with a clean slate."

Lee shook his head at both of them. He suddenly felt as helpless as he had ten years ago when he could see no way out except for the one that hurt everyone. "I'm sorry," he told his father. He was surprised to find that he meant it, too. "I can't. It's just not that easy."

_I hope you're happy now._

Not a second later he had fled the room, arms wrapped around his head as if he was trying to keep it from exploding. Zak's loud and frustrated 'FRAK!' echoed down the corridor after him. The youngest son turned to his father with questions all over his face.

"What were all those quotes he was talking about?" he asked. The wounded expression on his father's face didn't escape Zak's notice even if it had been there for only the briefest of seconds. "I mean, I have an idea, but what, specifically?"

Bill was staring down the corridor even though Lee was out of sight. "It was the last thing I said to him. Perhaps it left a deeper impression than I intended."

Zak made an incredulous sound. "You think so? Did you see him? All is not well there."

"I guess we'll never know. He won't talk. Not to me anyway." He was still staring at the place where his oldest son had been just moments ago. "I didn't realize he felt that way. You've spoken with him. Did you know?"

"Not really. We never really talk about it. He usually just clams up and resists the more you try to make him talk. We stuck with safer subjects."

Bill mumbled the word 'safe' under his breath. "I suppose there's nothing else I can do."

Zak watched his father go. He wanted more than anything to call bullshit at him, but decided to just let it go. It was impossible to smash those two together. On the plus side, it appeared their father was beginning to see things in a new light. Lee was still stubborn and as unyielding as ever. He had been intrigued by his brother's actions. The scientist in him was already spinning the possibilities in his head.

When gases are subject to extreme heat, the atoms can ionize and create plasma. Plasmas are interesting phenomena. Their behavior is a lot different than that of the gas it used to be. Plasmas existed in stars and lightning. He was already thinking that they'd seen a glimpse of what Lee could turn into when put under immense strain. Zak wondered what would happen when the temperature and pressure became too much for his brother to carry on. If there was one thing he'd learned in his time studying nuclear fusion, it was that when things are left unchecked, something _will _eventually buckle to relieve the stress on the system. While there was no danger of Lee turning into a bolt of lightning and heading out to look for a positive field to neutralize, Zak was sure something would break beyond repair. He bitterly reminded himself that it was his job as an engineer to make scattered, broken parts go back together and work again.

Kara would clear his head. None of these were his problems, Zak had to remind himself. It wasn't his responsibility to fix people when his expertise was machines and weapon systems. The clock told him he still had time to go see her in hack before the ceremony. If there was ever a time that he needed her to dole out straight-faced wisdom, it was now.

Down in the hangar-turned-museum, Lee was stalking around the exhibit as he got his head straight. Despite the few milling ship guests who were staring wide-eyed at old war materials, it was quiet and calming place. For some reason the dim lights made him feel better. Lee leaned against the bulkhead and stared at the Viper before him without really seeing it. Being out in space felt like a good idea right about now. He stood there for a long time before something moving beneath the ship caught his attention. When it turned out to be a person, he leapt back in alarm. They seemed to have startled each other.

The girl stepped out from beneath the Viper looking apologetic. "Sorry, sir. I didn't mean to startle you. Didn't realize you were there."

"What were you doing under there?" Lee saw the insignia on the collar of her uniform marking her as a captain. He'd never seen someone so young with that high of a rank. She looked mostly a kid.

She shrugged at him. "I was just checking her out. These things will still work, you know. Make a few tweaks and fuel them up, and these things could be out there for battle in minutes. These things are a beauty of engineering. Nothing else we've made since has aged half so well as these." The young captain seemed to be in awe of the outdated space junk. "Their systems are perfect for my prototypes. If only all the ships operated like these…I could make an entire squadron of ghost ships."

"I take it you're an engineer then?" It would make sense. Those lab geeks kept turning up younger and younger. The Academy would need a nursery installed if they kept taking as many kids into CE-C as they did. It seemed their philosophy was 'get them while they're young.'

"Oh, yes." She faced him and offered a slightly grease-marked hand. "Captain Alyssa Windsor. Sorry, I'm not used to all the chain of command rules."

Lee didn't consider introductions a chain of command rule, more like simple human interaction. He shook her hand anyway. "Captain Lee Adama."

She made a weird face. "Bologna sauce! You're the prodigal son?"

There were several things he found peculiar about those six words, the phrase 'bologna sauce' being the least of it (but it was the first thing that struck him as odd).

"I didn't realize people were calling me that." As if Apollo wasn't bad enough.

"No, it's just what I called you. As a joke." It was quickly getting worse for Alyssa to explain. "It's just…I work with your brother. He told me about you and I just…used the phrase to tease him."

"Right." Lee was sure this was going to become one of the most awkward experiences in his life if he didn't get away from this little weirdo. They just looked at each other as the silence grew longer.

"I thought you'd be taller," she said hopelessly. Alyssa always felt like a fish out of water when talking to new people, but this one seemed to be going worse than usual. Why did it always occur to her that she shouldn't say things until _after_ she'd said them? Machines never thought the things she said to _them_ were weird. But it was the fact that she talked to planes in the first place that made her so weird. That much Alyssa had always known.

"I've got to go," he said, already slipping away.

"I'm really sorry," she said. He slowed to look at her. "I know I'm crap at this whole 'people' thing. They make me nervous and then it's just like 'blah!' something stupid falls out. I didn't mean it with the prodigal son thing. Zak just told me about you and it spilled out because I wasn't expecting to run into you. And then the bologna sauce…I don't even know what that means. Argh!" She made a frustrated noise and hit the heel of her hand against her forehead repeatedly. Lee didn't know if he should restrain her or if this was her normal behavior. "And now you must think I'm insane."

It was hard to disagree when you looked at the pink mark on her forehead. He didn't say so, though. "It's really okay. Believe it or not, this isn't the worst thing that's happened to me today. And the day is still young."

"Well that's a relief. For me, I guess. Can't get any worse though, right?"

"Ask me again later." Lee decided it was time to prepare for the ceremony. He had to re-locate his flight suit and go through the pre-flight checks.

"Hey," she called to him. Her voice sounded much more calm and natural, almost in a detached manner. "When something is really bothering me, I think about deeply for a while and then I just forget it. An answer always jumps in my face."

He considered her for a moment. A smile almost cracked his face. "Thank you, Captain."

"I'll be here all week." She attempted a joke with a goofy smile.

"Okay, then."

Soon enough there was a sizable group assembled in the starboard landing bay. Zak looked around for Chief Tyrol in the thick of _Galactica_'s side of the audience. Alyssa trailed after him subdued. Eventually he found the chief and they warmly greeted each other. If there was one person Zak liked above all other on the old Battlestar, his father exempted, it was Galen Tyrol. They would spend hours discussing all the different types of ships and the pros and cons of making new models with fantastic features they'd dreamed up. Even though he'd dropped out of flight school, Zak still had an interest in planes. It never quite fit right when then topic came up between himself and his father or brother. But it felt right when he and Tyrol got to talking about Vipers and stealth ships. He supposed it was because Tyrol was another person around that liked talking about the birds but also wasn't a pilot. Those were hard to come by back where Zak came from.

They sat together when the ceremony began. The uppity little Aaron Doral seemed to be playing host and sticking very absolutely to his itinerary. Zak did his best to look attentive through the whole thing as speakers cycled through on the dais. The piece on the history of the Battlestar _Galactica_ almost put him right to sleep. Even Alyssa was sitting there with her eyes closed and yawning throughout. You knew you had a boring piece when _she_ was falling asleep, especially since history of technology was her thing. It wasn't until the priestess Elosha began her oration that Alyssa took a nosedive into Zak's shoulder sound asleep. He thought it was very fitting that she made it through the most boring history video in the history of videos, but couldn't make it through a few words by a religious figure. Zak didn't have any patience for religion either, so he leaned his head against hers and let his mind wander until Aaron Doral announced the flyby and followed that with his father's introduction.

"And now it is my great pleasure to introduce the last commander of the Battlestar _Galactica_, Commander Adama."

He lifted his head and gave Alyssa a nudge. She sat up and stared bleary-eyed in the direction of the commander. Applause followed him to the podium.

Glasses in hand, Bill spoke, "Thank you very much. The Cylon War is now over yet we must not forget the reasons why so many sacrifice so much in the cause of freedom. The cost of wearing the uniform can be high, but…" The pause seemed to stretch on. Zak was sure this was not how he had intended it to go. Aaron Doral fidgeted at the hiccup in his finely tuned plan. Finally, the commander continued, "Sometimes it's too high. You know, when we fought the Cylons we did it to save ourselves from extinction. But we never answered the question 'why?' Why are we as a people worth saving? We still commit murder because of greed, spite, jealousy. And we still visit all of our sins upon our children. We refuse to accept responsibility for anything that we've done. Like we did with the Cylons. We decided to play God, create life. When that life turned against us, we comforted ourselves in the knowledge that it wasn't our fault, not really. You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you've created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore."

The speech ended with that. The applause was slow in coming, but soon there was quite the din bouncing off the walls of the bay. Despite the clapping of his hands, Zak couldn't help but think that wasn't the speech Bill had been planning on giving. He wondered if his enlightenment with Lee earlier had anything to do with it.

His flight back to Caprica was leaving soon after the conclusion of the ceremony, but there was still enough time for Zak to share a drink with his father back in his quarters. After pouring, both Adamas raised their tumblers in a toast.

"To retirement," Zak said. "May it treat you well."

"Retirement," Bill echoed.

They clinked the bottoms of the glasses together and drank.

"So I guess the next time I see you, you'll be on solid ground," Zak said.

"Yeah. Isn't that weird to think about? Sometimes I still don't know what I'm thinking. Retiring? But without _Galactica_, there's no point sticking around." Bill looked around his quarters, taking in the familiar construction of the beloved Battlestar. "I think I've given the service enough. It's taken my family, and I think that ought to be enough."

They were both thoughtful for a while.

"Is that what you meant during your speech?"

Bill considered him over the rim of his tumbler. "I don't think it's ever occurred to me until today how much more time I spent on this ship than with you and your brother. It was wrong of me. I should have been there for you two. Abandoning both of you when Carolanne was sick was an awful oversight on my part. If I had known what she'd do…I want you to know how sorry I am for that. I've never wanted to admit I'd failed you, but I can't ignore the truth of it anymore. I'd been convincing myself for so long that staying with the service was the right thing to do. Now it's not so clear."

"You don't have to apologize to me. I understand. I always have. Never liked it or agreed with it, but I knew why you did it. There were always problems between you and Mother. You thought that if you got out, then she'd calm down and not have anything to complain about anymore. You just miscalculated how big the problem really was. I don't think settling down with young kids to take care of was ever really her style."

"That's easy to see _now_."

"It was then, too. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, but you would have been able to see it plain as day if you'd been around more. If I had been you I would have snuck away as much as possible, too. None of us wanted to be in that house. I don't blame you for getting away when it's what each and every one of us wanted."

"Why isn't talking to your brother this easy?"

Zak had to think about that one for a bit. "Probably because he had a different experience. When you left, I still had Lee to shield me from Mother. He didn't have anyone. You really just left him high and dry. Even before the divorce, she was getting physical with us. He won't thank you for not doing anything about that. And you know he didn't _want_ to get the police involved, right? He was backed into a corner on that one."

"It's very easy to stop yourself from calling the police on your mother."

"_He_ didn't call them."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the day after she burned him and he went to school, the teachers noticed he didn't look right. When they saw the burns the school sent him to the hospital and called the police while he was there. You and Mother wouldn't pick up when the school called to tell you that he'd been admitted. I wasn't allowed to see him so that's when Grandfather Joseph got involved. I think he had always known something was wrong. It must have been hours before Lee finally told them. He had to. There aren't a lot of ways he could explain how he'd _accidentally_ given himself second-degree chemical burns on his whole upper body. Mother was arrested a few hours later, and Grandpa and I spent the night with him in the hospital. He was afraid of what Mother would do when she was released, so that was when he told Grandfather that he wanted to become emancipated."

Bill took this all in stony faced. "Why hadn't anyone told me this?"

"You never gave us time to explain. By the time you got back to us Lee was already emancipated, and Mother was in the recovery program. He only did it because he was scared, you know. It wasn't because he hated us or wanted to leave the family. His sense of self-preservation probably kicked in. Mother _was_ very angry at him when she was released for his emancipation hearing. All of it was done out of fear. Lee wasn't angry at anyone until he realized you only came back to yell at him. I'm pretty sure he thought you'd arrived to help him. I mean, he was living in the bad part of town all alone in a dumpy little flat with his skin splitting off his chest. Who wouldn't want their father to show up and take care of them for just a little while?"

Zak watched the play of emotions on his father's face. Was it too much to hope there was a breakthrough brewing in there? Between Bill and Lee, Zak was sure he'd never be able to bend the iron will of Commander Adama. It would be death before he acknowledged his failing. Clearly, Zak had been wrong in his prediction. His father was on the verge of an epiphany. He just needed another little nudge.

"Look at it this way, Dad: How would you feel if you were in his place?"

The answer he was looking for was _abandoned_ or _betrayed_. But what Bill said was, "I've made a terrible mistake."

"I'm not the one you should be saying that to."

Zak leaned back and finished off the ambrosia feeling satisfied. Baby steps. Next time they were all planet-side, he could work on cracking the ten layers of bitterness around his brother. Who had Zak been trying to fool? He may specialize in machines and codes, but when there was a problem he couldn't help but try to fix it.

The PA crackled between them before Bill could respond. It was warning all Colonial Flight 798 passengers that this was their last call for boarding. They both stood up.

"Well, that's me."

"Safe flight, son," his father said, pulling him into a hug.

"That's not up to me," Zak repeated Alyssa's joke.

"I'll see you soon."

"I'm counting on it."

Zak was part way out of the hatch when Bill called out to him sounding uncertain. "Tell your brother…tell Lee…tell him something."

It was with a crooked smile that he said, "My pleasure, sir. _Someone_ has to keep our escort company over the coms."

Bill sank deep into his sofa once Zak had left. There were a lot of events he needed to look at in a new light. He'd never let himself look at things from another perspective on this matter, so convinced was he that he was not in the wrong. Seeing Lee again after ten years seemed to have shaken that belief. Bill was realizing now just how many pieces of the story he was missing. Was it possible that he really hadn't bothered to ask anyone the whole story? He had been in such a rush to sweep the entire incident under the rug. Had he really only heard that Lee called the police on Carolanne and gotten Zak without a guardian, and not bothered to actually find out why? It shocked him that he hadn't even known that Lee had been hospitalized for chemical burns. What in the hell was Carolanne doing to him that resulted in _chemical_ burns over his entire upper body? Bill didn't even want to imagine what that situation must have looked like.

That was his problem, of course. He never looked at the things he didn't like. His son embarrasses him and throws in his face how spectacularly he'd failed as a father? Well, Bill better not talk to that son for ten years. It's only logical, right? Because it wasn't really Carolanne being arrested, because Bill had known to an extent what she was. It wasn't leaving Zak without anyone to look out for him. He had been so mad at Lee because he had shown Bill how bad he was at being a parent and that had embarrassed him, wounded his overinflated ego. Bill was so mad that Lee thought he could do better on his own at fifteen. And the petty, selfish side of Bill took over after that insult was laid out for every person he'd ever met to see. He lashed back at his son because he'd made him look a fool.

Shame crashed down on him now. He hadn't cared about his family at all. He was only looking out for himself and his own image. Anyone who tried to damage that image was obviously the villain. Well, Bill had served justice to that villain. He'd given his son ten years of banishment that had turned him into an anxious mess that would likely implode if Bill ever touched him again. His retirement would be tempered by a hard and bitter guilt over the monster he'd help create.

_Look at him, Carolanne, _he thought. _Look at our firstborn. Aren't you so proud?_

* * *

Note:

I love first episodes. You get to see what things are like on a day-to-day basis before things get put in the pressure cooker. This feeling is especially true for things like _Game of Thrones. _Seeing the Starks so miserable makes me miss those seven minutes they were all together at the beginning of episode one.

If it ever seems like I'm making engineers sound really cool, it's because I am. I'm an engineering major myself, so on the off chance there are any more out there, HI! Let's be friends. On that note, my next semester begins soon, so updates will be slow. Engineering is cool and all, but it is very time consuming. Never fear, I will not give up in the middle of this. Bear with me (if you care to). I guess the important part of all this is: I don't know if y'all like big chapters or little ones. If it doesn't matter to you, I'll try to keep pooping them out at this length.

I don't believe the rank of 'Officer Cadet' was ever said anywhere on the show. I know this and used it anyway. It's just a way to let you know that Zak's at an 'entry level' position, if you will.

Also, I know most people love romance in stories. Heck, even I do. But it's not something I'm very good with writing. I will try to keep something going as a side-story, but you've been warned: It will probably sound corny. Love stories do best when they're secondary to a bigger issue anyway.

The little bit I wrote about 'thinking deeply and then forgetting about it' was taken from an episode of Mad Men (which is a lovely program that I highly recommend). That brings me to the topic of Alyssa. She is mainly a device for me to selfishly put my own thoughts on some events into the story. I intended her to be a way to lighten up the story, too. This chapter was more serious than I plan to make the rest. Life is funny. Stories should be, too. She loves dogs because I do. Do you hate her? It will be no problem for me to phase her out if there are objections.

The chapter title is German. Hello, possible German-speaking readers! I think your language is lovely. (Please feel free to correct my syntax.)

Cheers,

E.R.


	3. Baptism of Fire

_Arabesque: hyperextend hips and spine, pointed feet. Always pointed feet. Hold the pose. Breathe. In one-two, out. In one-two, out. Return to fifth position. Plié and begin again. _

Colonial Flight 798 pulled itself heavily out of _Galactica_'s landing bay. Despite being smaller than the Battlestar, the government ship seemed clumsier. Indeed, it looked more than cumbersome when the little Viper flew alongside it. Zak watched the tiny ship fly by his window. He pretended he could see his brother in the cockpit even though it was impossible to have such eagle eyes. Their pilot crackled over the intercom to the passengers, telling them that they might be able to see artifact that would be escorting them back to Caprica.

He gave a heavy sign and leaned his head against the headrest. It would be a quiet ride without Alyssa to distract him. Zak could do with a distraction. The weariness was suddenly making itself known. Being a peacemaker may be instinctual, but it was _hard_. There was nothing he wanted more than to return to his lab and throw himself into the low purring of his infant weapons. Zak would never admit it, but he was quite sick of discussing Lee. It seemed like it was all he had talked about on _Galactica_. Not only with his father, but it was the main topic of the conversation he'd had with Kara, too. He could do with some alone time where no one would be asking about his family. A slight irritation at himself existed, too. Alyssa's words on the train a week ago wouldn't give him any peace. He _was not_ jealous of Lee. His father _was_ proud of him.

The doubt did not lessen.

What they all needed was to retire to their corners of the universe and be alone for a few weeks. Perhaps he'd never realized until Alyssa had planted those seeds of doubt in his mind, but there was a bitterness Zak couldn't deny in his every thought about his family. The talk he'd promised Mother did not sound appetizing. He was suddenly regretting the promise he'd made her before he left. No doubt they'd just end up talking about Lee again. Being the liaison between his parents and his brother was a role Zak was sick of playing. There came a point when he could not put up with coddling all of their feelings. He'd comforted every one of them when they were blithering messes that wanted his false reassurances. Wasn't it high time someone asked him what he thought of all of this? He found the whole thing stupid and childish. Weren't there bigger issues they could worry about besides who was mad at who over what happened ten years ago?

If the ability to hold his tongue wasn't so engrained in Zak's personality, he probably would have slapped his mother in the face and told her just how awful she had been to them. He would tell her that she should have been jailed and never allowed to live with or even babysit children again. He would shake his father until he saw how selfish _he'd _been. When your son is hospitalized because of the abusive mother you left him with, you should get your high-and-mighty ass to that hospital bed in a second to take care of him. Even the military lets people leave when there's a family emergency. It's not like he couldn't get away. Zak might even say a few choice words to his late grandfather for not insisting Lee live with him after the emancipation. Did any of those so-called adults have brains in their heads? Did the people at the hearing? Clearly Grandfather Joseph was losing his marbles to old age or he never would have just gone along with it when Lee ran away from his house and boarded up in a crime-infested hole in the city. Emancipated minor or not, someone should have said, "Hey, idiot Lee, maybe you should just live with your frakking granddad since you have no way to support yourself, and oh, yeah, you're _fifteen years old_! You're just asking to be taken advantage of." Adults shouldn't care whether or not he _wanted_ to live under his grandfather's thumb. They should have _told _him that was how it was going to be, and that he can't go on living next to a drug dealer. If everyone was so worried about him living there back then, Zak didn't understand why none of them _actually did_ anything to get Lee out of there. Could it be that they had all given up on him as a hopeless case? Were they all just hoping someone else would step in and do something? It looked like since no one was _obligated _help Lee, no one would do anything. Instead they'd just looked at each other and waited for someone else to acknowledge the failure they'd all been. They could have saved Lee from a whole lot of trouble if one of them gotten the balls to grab him by the collar and tell him to stop being a frakking moron and go live with Grandfather Joseph.

To be sure, there were words that he was holding back from Lee, too. He would demand to know how he could maintain radio silence with the whole family for that long; how he could maintain radio silence with _Zak_ for that long. Hadn't they always been in it together against Mother? That's what Lee always used to say back when they'd both been in that house. "I've got your back and you've got mine," they used to say. For frak's sake, it was Zak that had dragged Lee to the bathroom and doused him in cold water for half an hour to wash all of the lye out his burning skin. He could just punch him for tossing out their relationship like that. Zak shouldn't have been the one chasing down his brother after the emancipation. He wanted to tell his older brother that he was done doing the heavy lifting. If Lee wanted someone to listen to all his whiny bullshit, then he'd better make that friendship a two-way street. Of course Zak was sorry Mother had put him through so much shit, but apparently Lee didn't realize that he wasn't the only one that had suffered. They were on the same side and always would be, but that didn't mean Zak couldn't be angry. For all the bitching he did about their father, Lee sure did act like him sometimes. Wasn't it just like Bill to leave his family when the going got too tough? Hadn't he left when things looked like too much work to put back together? If he could, Zak would flick his brother in the head and tell him he had become the exact thing he hated so much in the first place.

Alas, Zak would never say any of this. He _couldn't_ say any of this. That wasn't his role. No, Zak was the easy-going son who hadn't been ruined by the past decade's events. He played the part of the survivor. Zak's job was to slap bandages onto the wounds of his family when they started leaking again. He couldn't just abandon his spot in their play no matter how much he wanted to. If he ever let his family know how cracked his foundation was, then surely the rest of them would come falling down on top of him. It was best to keep playing along. He could tell them all what they wanted to hear and keep his own bitter thoughts to himself. Being the agreeable and transparent brother and son they wanted him to be was best for everyone else. If this wasn't best for his own mental wellbeing, which it wasn't, then so be it. When the roof is leaking the last thing you need is for the ground to cave in. The family built their dynamic on Zak's solid infrastructure. He couldn't help it that he was actually a sinkhole, liable to collapse any day. He was young, lab geek Zak Adama: Supportive and untouched by the tragedies of life. He offered unbiased advice and never got mad at anyone. It was a hard role to play, but it was one he was good at.

_"This is the commander. Moments ago this ship received word of a Cylon attack against our home worlds is under way. We do not know the size, or the disposition, or the strength of the enemy forces. But all indications point to a massive assault against Colonial defenses. Admiral Nagala has taken personal command of the Fleet aboard the Battlestar _Atlantia_ following complete destruction of Picon Fleet Headquarters in the first wave of the attacks. How, why, doesn't really matter now. What does matter is that, as of this moment, we are at war. You've trained for this. You're ready for this. Stand to your duties, trust your fellow shipmates and we'll all get through this. Further updates as we get them. Thank you."_

_Dance through the pain. There's always an impossible amount of pressure on your toes. Get used to it. From plié, bring the left leg into grand battlement. Slow and controlled back down. Relevé. Attitude. Slow single pirouette. Double. Triple now. Stay on top of the supporting leg. Balance with your core. Spot yourself. Leap in the direction of the working leg, rotating your body forty-five degrees while airborne. Turn once, arms up. Two steps, here it comes. JUMP! Grand jeté. Don't think about what the commander said. Just dance._

A hand on his shoulder jerked Zak from his thoughts. It was one of the pilots. Confusion and a touch of annoyance tickled in.

"You're with the Colonial Forces?" the pilot asked while nodding at Zak's uniform.

Still in a bad mood from the thoughts he'd been thinking, he just nodded. _Doy._

"Could you join me in the cockpit for a moment?"

"What is it?" he asked but got up and followed him all the same.

"We got a strange message. Something must be wrong with our communications. A malfunction or something. I'd just like a second opinion from someone with more experience…"

Zak didn't tell the pilot that he had close to zero experience sending and receiving communications beyond how it works in theory. Unless this pilot didn't know how to read, he really couldn't help him. Unluckily for the pilot though, Zak was not feeling very much like being helpful. Inside the cockpit, the pilot handed him the message they'd received and then clamored back into his seat. Hovering behind their seats, Zak stared dumbfounded at the words for a moment. Was this a joke? One of the pilots finally looked back at him when he hadn't said anything.

"It's true isn't, it?"

Mouth suddenly dry, he answered in the affirmative. "It looks authentic."

The other pilot made a _tsk_ sound. "It was too much to hope they'd actually left."

Zak handed the paper message back to the co-pilot. A Cylon attack? Was this a dream or one of those movies people loved to make? He felt like he was drowning. It was such an absurd thing to think: the Cylons are back. The Cylons have destroyed Picon HQ. They were at war. What in the hell was going on? He looked up at the captain of the ship. His mouth may or may not have been hanging open. The cogs in his brain started turning and Zak's training kicked in. That was what the military did to you: made protocol second nature. You did the right thing automatically. No thinking or waffling, you just do.

Jaw snapping shut, Zak told the stunned captain, "You should make an announcement to the rest of the ship. It'll probably go over best if you did it. Makes it seem like things are in control. They need someone in charge."

Clearly shaken, the captain nodded. He was looking very unsure. "Hey," Zak said. "Take a minute to collect yourself. The life of the rescuer is more important than the life of the victim. In this case, that means you need to be good to go before you try to help out all those people out there. If you don't think you can do that, you have to say so now."

The co-pilot watched the two men's exchange. He made an impressed face at the authority with which the young one spoke. But the captain took a breath and said he could keep in control of himself. A few more deep breaths and the captain had his head back on straight. He repeated to himself a few times what he was going to say to the passengers.

"Okay," he said. "I'm going to go make the announcement."

"Good." Zak was glad to hear how calm the captain sounded now. He made eye contact with the co-pilot. "That was easier for me to do than flying ever was."

"I don't know what planet you're from, man, but it sure as hell isn't one of the Twelve Colonies. I'm happy to just fly this girl. Don't look at me to be in charge."

"Everyone has a skill."

"Well that's not one of mine."

Zak shrugged and looked through the observatory glass at the vastness before them. The engines of Lee's Viper glowed brightest of all. He nodded to it and asked, "Has our escort heard anything?"

"Nope. Just what we've already found out. Said he's scanning all frequencies to see if he can make sense of anything."

"Will someone let me know if he figures anything out?"

"Sure thing…" The co-pilot looked at him uncertainly.

"It's Officer Cadet Zak Adama."

"Really? I would have pegged you for at least a lieutenant, the way you took charge and kept calm just now."

"No. I'm just an engineer. I hardly remember anything about basic combat training. I guess I didn't have to. That's Colonial discipline, I guess."

"I'll say. No complaining here though. It's nice to have two of you here."

"Yeah, well if things get any more serious, you're better off asking him." Zak nodded toward the Viper. "I can fix your plane and build you a bomb, but I can't do anything else. Unless of course you have a lab hidden somewhere on here. That one's been to War College. He'll be your go-to if we hit more trouble."

"You know our escort?"

"We've met." He still wasn't feeling especially chummy on the subject of his personal relationship with Captain Adama.

"You said you've been flying before." The co-pilot slapped the seat next to him. "Back me up until Cap gets back."

"I didn't pass basic flight." Zak sat anyway.

"That doesn't mean you don't know how to fly."

That was true enough. He did know _how_ to fly; he just couldn't _actually do it_ with much success. Not good enough for the Colonial military anyway. Luckily he had pointed out that miscalculation with the new models they were supposed to fly. That had earned him automatic-acceptance/an invitation into the Colonial Engineers. He had saved the lives of hundreds of would-be pilots by pointing out the flaw in the design. They all would have blown to bits when they tried to come in for landing. There's nothing quite like becoming a success on the back of someone else's failure.

The co-pilot kept talking. "This heavy isn't so bad to fly. I started out on Tylium processing ships. Now those hunkers can really take some maneuvering. Not very agile. Makes evasive maneuvers almost impossible."

Zak braced himself to hear another soliloquy about planes and flying. It did nothing to quench his sour mood. At least this story would be about a class of plane he hadn't heard about a thousand times over from his father or brother, or even the fantastic, imaginative models Alyssa could get to blabbering on about. 'Freighters' was a chapter in the epic anthology of spacecraft that Zak hadn't heard yet. He spent most of the one-sided conversation thinking about how different his life would be if he had told everyone that talked at him about planes that he didn't really care. What he wanted to do was ignore them and say he didn't want to hear about any of it. Zak noted that he was becoming very hostile inside.

Before long the captain returned to the cockpit after making his announcement.

"How'd they take it?" Zak asked. He was glad to have an escape route from the complete history of the co-pilot's exploits in flying before being a Colonial Flight pilot.

"Most seem to be taking it in stride. I don't think it's really touched them what's happened. They were still processing it when I stepped away."

Zak got up and traded places with the captain. Unsure what to do, he hovered behind the seats again.

The lead pilot hailed Lee. "Any luck over there, Captain?"

"No, just picking up a lot of confusing chatter."

"Well, to be honest with you, I'm kind of glad you're sticking around. Makes us all feel better just seeing you out there."

"Well don't get too comfortable. This old junker was meant for show, not combat. If we run into a problem, I'll do what I can to protect you. But the first sign of trouble, you pour on the speed and you run."

"Don't you worry about that. I got my hand on the throttle. It hasn't left since I got that first message. Colonial Heavy 798 out."

"I'll be with the rest of the passengers," Zak said. He left before either of them responded. It was with a sign that he sank back into his seat. Let Lee be the wire between the civilians and Colonial Forces. As captain, he was the senior officer among them. It was his responsibility by all rules of the chain of command. He rubbed his eyes with a hand and tried to think of nothing at all.

_ "Preliminary reports indicate a thermo-nuclear device in the fifty-megaton range was detonated over Caprica City thirty minutes ago. Nuclear detonations have been reported on the planets Arilon, Picon, Sagittarian and Geminon. No reports of casualties but they will be high. Mourn the dead later. Right now, the best thing we can do is get this ship into the fight."_

_ Land first, but go right back en pointe as soon as your legs are planted beneath you. Petit jeté across the floor. One half-turn, both feet on the ground, back toward the centre of the room. Pas de bourreé couru. Nothing is real until you stop. It's not what you're supposed to be rehearsing, but you just have to keep moving. Anything. Whatever you feel like doing, do it. There can't be a pause, don't wait. It will all catch up if you slow down. Arabesque penché. Don't hold it for long; you don't have time to hold it. Working leg down to ninety degrees. Turn in second. _

There was too much noise and worry for him to ignore. Try as he might, Zak's head would not quiet down. Hysteria gripped the passengers around him when the guy with the wireless turned it on to reveal that Caprica had been nuked. Strange enough, Zak remained calm. It was most surprising to himself how well he was taking this. It felt like he was channeling his inner-Alyssa in the face of all of this. He seemed to be taking in only the facts and keeping any emotional responses at bay for now. How his friend kept any impulses and feelings out of everything she did was a mystery to him. The calm Zak felt now was strong, but he knew it was not permanent. The emotion was definitely there; he could feel it. But some survival instinct had been activated when they first got the news of the Cylon attack. It was telling him to forget about everything else for now, and just focus on getting yourself out of a crisis.

The feeling was almost exactly the same as the one he had experienced a few times in his childhood when he was trying to survive his mother's almost daily meltdowns. The last time he had felt like this was when Mother had burned Lee. He could still hear her slurring her words and telling Lee that she hated the color of the cabinets because it reminded her of Dad and wanted him to get rid of it. She would always make ludicrous requests like that when she was drunk. The reason had always been linked to Bill. Zak remembered his brother just beginning to drop the caustic soda into the paint remover mixture when Carolanne had a change of heart and slapped his hand so that all of the lye fell in. The sound of her smacking the bucket of paint remover off the counter and screeching about how he was trying to ruin her house was, in his mind, the most horrifying thing he'd ever heard, second only to the sound that Lee made when it splashed over him. When Zak had entered the room and saw what was going on, it had been like somebody had thrown a switch on his emotions. Where he had been frightened before, he felt nothing the moment he walked in. True it was that he had stood there in the doorway unsure what to do for a very long time while his mother hurled curses at Lee, but he never felt anything. It was the survival instinct. He wasn't going to jump into the fight when he could risk his own life trying to get to the victim. It wasn't until after Carolanne had stormed out in drunken frustration that Zak had sprung into action. He could remember as if it were yesterday grabbing kitchen towels and steering, essentially dragging, his stunned brother to the nearest bathroom, never touching him or his heated skin directly. Zak had dumped his brother in the shower and turned on the water, a model of coolness and efficiency. Inside he had been wondering why none of this was making him wet his pants. Not even when Lee yelped like a dying rabbit as the water hit him and made more of the caustic soda that hadn't dissolved in the bucket react on his skin did Zak lose his head. When Lee started coughing, it occurred to him that there may be a risk of breathing in some unknowable danger. He had only been twelve and knew little and less of chemicals and chemical reactions. He had put the door wide open and the fan on full to try and make the fumes go away. He hadn't even blinked when his brother threw up on himself in the shower. Like a robot, he had pulled off Lee's wet and now vomit-covered shirt and proceeded wash all traces of lye off of him and then some. The blisters that had already formed on his left side from when he had turned away to cover his face as the bucket was knocked on him were permanently etched in Zak's memory. He knew that if his brother hadn't had such quick reflexes those blisters would have been on his face.

It hadn't been until they got back to Lee's room that Zak began to feel helpless. His emotions had broken loose from the pen they'd been in after only forty-five minutes or so. His brother standing there with red and angry skin had scared him. Terror seemed to strike down on him with such force that he had felt paralyzed. There was nothing else he knew how to do. Zak had cried himself to sleep that night with the sounds of Lee moaning in pain whispering to him on the other side of the wall.

But for now he was still numb. Feeling like this may remind him of darker days, but Zak had to tell himself that this was different. This was _important_. He couldn't go daydreaming after he'd just heard that Caprica had been nuked. The possibility that he would turn to mush any second was admittedly daunting. He had already been completely closed off from his feelings for longer than forty-five minutes. How would he look if he started having a panic attack in the middle of the plane? _Normal_ a small part of him answered. _It's normal to have an emotional reaction when you hear that your home's been nuked_. Being aware of it didn't make him feel anything though. He still felt collected and clearheaded. When Laura Roslin, the Secretary of Education he had accompanied his father with to answer questions about the possibility of a networked computer system, gave the announcement that several Colonies had been nuked and that she was planning to modify that ship for a long-term stay, Zak took it all in stride. He took everything in and did some quick thinking of his own. Calculations, equations, and variables slid into focus in a neat and orderly fashion. He thought on each one for fractions of seconds before moving on with enough information. Mind whirring, it was only a minute before Zak came up with the best course of action: Return to _Galactica_.

There were no weapons on Colonial Flight 798, and Lee was flying an antique. He would be little help if they came under attack. Yes, the best thing to do would be to return to the Battlestar and hope they could offer some aid. At the very least they had Vipers that were equipped with better weapons and had more advanced flying capabilities. Zak knew all of this because he had designed and developed those weapons, and Alyssa had sketched out the concepts for the planes. It had been their first collaborative project as members of CE-C. Surely all of the people here on the flight knew that they could not stay here. Wasn't the obvious course of action to return to a Battlestar if an attack had broken out? Zak didn't know why they weren't already headed back. He vaguely wondered if this sort of clarity is what Alyssa experienced all the time. It would make sense if it was. If he felt like this all the time, Zak was sure he could solve the most complicated of problems.

As the secretary had been giving the announcement of the more recent devastation that had happened on the Colonies, a small man spoke up from the back of the ship. It was Aaron Doral from Public Relations that Alyssa had spooked with her overzealous false enthusiasm. While everyone else was looking for anyone else to take charge and be the leader of this catastrophe, Aaron Doral was questioning Secretary Laura Roslin's authority. A part of Zak wanted to hit the media man and tell him to shut up, but the cool focus stayed his hand. It was further helped by Roslin seeming to take charge. It appeared she could more than handle Aaron Doral. After handing out assignments to keep nervous passengers occupied, the captain of the ship told her he had a com line prepared for her. Instinct told Zak to follow her back to the cockpit so he did just that. No one protested when he entered. Perhaps it was the combination of the uniform and the air of confidence that was floating around him.

No one in the cramped space spoke besides the secretary. She was trying to speak with the cabinet, seeing what the political situation was. Not wearing a headset, Zak only heard one side of the conversation. He didn't think he needed to hear the other half to know that things were not unfolding positively. Roslin lost response on the channel at the same time Zak pointed out incoming contact on the ships monitors. The co-pilot swore.

"What is it?" Roslin asked distractedly. Her mind was still on the broken conversation.

"Incoming nuke. They've found us," the captain answered.

"Where the hell is our escort?" She had her own aurora of confidence it seemed. Zak couldn't help but appreciate her ability to stay calm with several tons of explosive zeroing in on her. He may be living some unbelievable clarity, but she _was_ the senior government official aboard a government ship. He would bow to her authority any day.

Where indeed was Lee? Zak couldn't find the glow of his engines anywhere. The missile would be in visual range any second according to the reading on the monitor.

"Right there," the co-pilot suddenly pointed out.

And so there he was. The crowd in the cockpit watched only a fraction of the action from their vantage point before Lee had headed off the nuke away from their craft. They all waited with baited breath for an end to the drama. Zak grabbed up a headset and listened to the silence on the coms. The nervous shaking in his chest made Zak worry that he was about to lose his cool and get emotional all over the cockpit. They may not have been able to see the chase, but they did see a rather large explosion, and they felt the rock of their vessel from the concussion. Zak scanned the space around them even though he knew he wouldn't be able to see anything of consequence.

Over the coms, Lee's voice crackled. "Krypter, krypter, krypter."

Zak pulled off the headset without needing to hear the rest. "Pick him up," he said. It came out sounding like a seasoned admiral's order.

The captain looked at him in slight surprise. There was the slightest hesitation in his eyes before Roslin spoke up.

"He's right. Do as he says. Pick up Captain Apollo."

"I'll be below." Zak left without asking permission (as was normal protocol).

He patiently waited outside the cargo bay loading dock as they brought the Viper aboard. His mind wondered back to _Galactica_. He hoped everyone there was still okay. Over the wireless he had heard that the Fleet was being smashed and suffering several apparent malfunctions. There was no reason to believe _Galactica_ hadn't been subject to the same affliction. No, that wasn't right. What had his father said to Secretary Roslin? He would never allow a computerized network on the ship while he was in command. In his clarity it was obvious that the only way so many Battlestar would fail would be through electrical inaccuracies. The Cylons were machines. Were they not perfectly capable of infecting a whole ship from a single access point if the craft was networked? It gave Zak a slight peace of mind to know _Galactica_ could have been spared that obstacle at least. The thoughts slipped by the wayside when the cargo bay's sensors told him the area was now secure from the sucking of space and filled with breathable air. Allowing the cargo bay hands through first, Zak followed them into the room and approached the old Viper.

Lee slid the canopy off and freed himself from helmet and oxygen hose. Deckhands swarmed the small craft. He slid gracefully from the cockpit to the deck in the absence of the ladder. The brothers Adama stood facing each other.

"All right?" Zak asked. He tapped at his neck by way of telling Lee his airtight collar was still on. He got the hint and removed with a pang of annoyance at himself.

"Yeah. I detonated the missile and _pfff._ All system go offline. Residual radiation? I'm not sure what it was. This old box is a little temperamental."

He didn't think that old box was the culprit for the failure, but he didn't offer any other explanations to his brother. Another question was on Zak's lips, but the other big piece of equipment in the cargo hold caught his attention. Lee followed his gaze and stared at them as well. They looked at each other in wonder, each one's mind spinning a thousand miles a minute with the possibilities. So enthralled were they that both jumped at the voice that echoed behind them in the cargo hold.

"Captain, are you all right?" The footsteps of Aaron Doral approached them.

"I'm fine," Lee answered. He followed Zak over for a closer look at their company.

The other man followed. "My name's Aaron Doral. I met you before. Took some publicity photos with you and your family." He nodded and quickly added, "Hello, Officer Cadet," to Zak. He seemed to notice that the brothers were hardly listening to him and were quite otherwise occupied. "What are these things?"

"Electric pulse generators from the _Galactica_," Lee answered.

"What are they doing here?" Zak muttered.

"Really? That's interesting," Aaron Doral said, not sounding the least bit interested. Captain, I can't tell you how glad I am to see you."

His brother looked surprised and confused at that. "Oh? Why's that?"

"Personally, I'd feel a lot better if someone qualified were in charge around here."

_Personally_ Zak thought Roslin had been doing okay thus far. Aside from the plan she had to collect survivors instead of return to a safer place.

"Is something wrong with your pilot?"

"No, it's just that he'd not the one giving orders."

Lee looked at his brother with an eyebrow raised and a question in his eyes. Zak assured him that he was not the one in charge. A last look at the generator, and Zak was leading him to the passenger deck with Aaron Doral on their heels.

"This is…it's a bad situation, isn't it?" the little man stammered.

Zak snorted, but his brother answered in all seriousness, "Yes, it is."

"Right."

In low voices they had an exchange.

"So who's giving the orders if not the captain of the ship?"

"It's the Secretary of Education. This _is_ a government vessel, and she would be the senior member aboard. She seems to be handling the pressure just fine, but I don't know about her plan."

"What's her plan?"

"I think she wants to begin rescue operations. The ship has the space for more people, but any logical enemy (and believe me: the Cylons were _built_ on logic) would scour the skies looking for rogue vessels just like this one. She had the captain contact Civil Defense to see if there was anything we could do. It's a valiant offer and a lovely thing to do, but we just can't go plotting along looking for other wrecked ships. This ship would be a sitting duck. We have no means to protect ourselves, even before you went offline. The best course of action is to return to _Galactica _where they could offer the most basic form of protection."

"I don't disagree with you there, little brother. I was thinking the same things. But let's see what she has to say first. Maybe she'll see the way of things or she'll have some magic escape pod."

Zak led the way into the aisle. Roslin was fleshing out her ideas about maximizing space on the ship for an extended stay with the captain. Their heads were bent over a schematic of the various cargo holds and what was contained in each. An agreement must have been reached, because the captain stood up nodding in a resigned way. Zak thought that the man should be relieved he wasn't the one who had to make all of these calls. Both of them looked up as the procession walked up to their gathering.

"Captain, good to see you again," Secretary Roslin said.

"Likewise." To the captain of the ship, he said, "Thanks for the lift."

He gave a single lighthearted laugh. "You should thank these two."

Lee looked from Zak to Roslin with mild surprise. The secretary was still all business.

"Start the cargo transfer and prep the space for survivors."

Zak groaned inwardly as his hunch was confirmed. Already he was beginning to analyze and guess if Secretary Roslin was a woman that could see reason and be convinced she was wrong or if she the type to stick to her decision no matter how damning. Authority-loving people could be the most dangerous. They had all the power of influence and usually didn't know how and when to use it. Not unlike his parents back in the day, Zak reflected briefly.

Lee played it off as if the idea of collecting survivors was new to him. _Tactful, _Zak thought. "I'm sorry. Survivors?"

"As soon as the attack began the government ordered a full stop on all civilian vessels. So now we've got hundreds of stranded ships in the solar system. Some are lost, some are damaged, some are losing power. We have enough space on this ship to accommodate five hundred people and we're going to need every bit of it."

She definitely sounded like she'd made up her mind. A systematic alarm went off in Zak's head as she had said all of that. _Suicide mission_ it screamed. The most primal of instincts was roaring against her authority already. _Stay alive. She wants to willingly make you all low hanging fruit._ _Resist!_

"But we don't even know what the tactical situation is out there." Aaron Doral had just looked shy and meek not two minutes ago. Now he was looking on the verge of anger.

"The tactical situation is that we're losing, right, Captain?"

All of them were looking at Lee, each wanting a different answer. He hesitated before deciding to go with what he actually _knew_. When in at odds with yourself, go by the book. It was a rule of thumb that had gotten Lee through several tough situations in the past. "Right."

"So we pick up as many people as we can and find a safe haven to put down. Captain and Officer Cadet: I'd like you to look over the navigational charts for a likely place to hide from the Cylons. That's all."

She ghosted out of the room and, presumably, back to the cockpit. Both Zak and Aaron Doral were looking at Lee and waiting for him to give the word on what he thought they should do in this situation. Lee knew he couldn't make everyone happy. That was something he had found out a long time ago. As long as_ he_ could live with himself, that was enough. Looking in his brother's expectant eyes, Lee had to make himself put his feelings aside. When at odds with yourself, go by the book. Roslin was senior member on this ship, so commander was hers. "Lady's in charge."

Zak followed him out of the room. In theory, they were headed to collect the nav charts, but in reality they were having a wordless struggle of wills. Zak, still under the influence of crisis-induced, black-and-white clarity, was tossing logical, sound arguments at Lee about why they should under no circumstances stick their necks out any long than it took for them to contact _Galactica_ and tell them they were coming back. Lee refuted those arguments with the bulletproof, but widely disputed, chain of command defense. Roslin was in charge, so they did what she said. He agreed with Zak, obviously. It was suicide to float along on a search of the Colonial skies for floundering vessels. Both of them didn't want to abandon more people to be found and destroyed by Cylon ships, but neither agreed with Roslin that it was worth their own skins to try to salvage those wrecks. Perhaps if they had someone to watch their backs as they conducted the search and rescue it would be a reasonable plan. That was not the case in this life, however. Colonial Flight 798 was alone and had spent her escort. She needed protection from Cylon ships, not to go looking in the exact places that their enemy was most likely to turn up in.

Zak broke their silent argument when they were standing among the charts they were supposed to be looking at. "We can't engage in rescue operations. You _know_ we can't. It's a sure way to be killed."

"She's in command, Zak. What do you want to do? Commandeer the ship and go back anyway?"

"Why not? It's better than nothing. I'm sure everyone would appreciate it when they're still living tomorrow. I'm not saying we don't rescue those ships. I'm saying we should rescue them _after _we've checked in with _Galactica_ and got some sort of support. It's too great a risk to go through with this."

"_I know_ all of this, Zak. _I know_. But what do you want me to do about it? If you want to go rogue, be my guest. Don't look at me to help you. If she's in command, she's in command. You write programs. You know there are rules you follow and that's the end of the story. You can't just operate outside of the code."

"That's a very clever metaphor and all, _Captain_, but in the weapons I write the programs for there is always an operation in place that stops the device from blowing itself up under certain conditions. For example: none of my weapons detonate themselves when they're sitting around unarmed. They certainly don't arm themselves when the Secretary of Education tells them to. It takes a little more than a school teacher to command military-grade property."

"Then do something about it," Lee said simply. "If you're the one with a problem, tell her and get it over with. If you're not going to take any action, kindly shut up about it and help me analyze the nav charts, _Officer Cadet_."

Lee realized it was poor taste to pull rank on his own little brother, especially when he was absolutely right, but there was no other way he knew to move past the issue. No matter what Zak said about writing programs, Lee could not operate outside the parameters he'd set up for himself when he moved out on his own. Following the rules relieved the stress of decision making, an action that had caused him a lot sleepless nights. It just occurred to Lee that his policy was really a way to be a coward. How many times had he fallen back on his by-the-book method since he left the family? Maybe it _was_ just a way for him to avoid the issue without worrying about it so much. Rules are safe. Rules are familiar. And rules are what put him in the position he was in today.

Zak shook his head. "I'm sorry, Captain. I will help locate _Galactica_, because that is the only safe place we could possibly go. I will not, _cannot_, help you look for any other destination."

"Then you are relieved."

Internally Lee was beating himself up. That sentence felt a lot like a wedge being driven between himself and his brother. He couldn't help thinking that he'd finally succeeded in thoroughly pissing off every single member of his family.

_Swing the working leg back down and do a double pirouette. Tightening, do a triple if you can. Alternate double and triple pirouettes across the floor. Petit jeté when you run out of space. Continue to the center of the room in the same pattern. Arabesque penché again. Begin turns in second with the working leg still extended for as long as you can. Back to ninety degrees, never faltering in your turns. Torso swings up and the working leg swings down. Flow into fouette en tournant without interruption._

It was not without severe effort that the old squadron of Mark IIs made it to the port launch tubes. Kara would have been happy to call it day once they'd gotten all of them over. Not that she'd ever admit that. She left the knuckle dragger to prepare the old birds. It was probably best if she wasn't in their way. Besides, she wasn't prepped for flight. Namely, she wasn't even in her flight suit.

As she made her way out of the hangar, she saw Tyrol. As they passed, she told him to have a bird ready by the time she got back. He made her no promises. Apprehension had Kara in its grip as she pulled the familiar garb on. Other pilots were getting properly attired as well. None of them spoke much. It would be the first actual combat any of them had actually seen aside from simulators. Those could only go so far. Kara recalled the veterans back on the base she'd been a flight instructor on used to say that a pilot wasn't a real pilot until they came back to their mother ship with holes on their bird and soiled drawers in their flight suit. She didn't know how serious they were being, but it didn't seem unlikely as she got herself flight-ready with the sounds of her fellow pilots engaging the enemy over the coms in the dressing room. The fearless front of hers was becoming increasingly harder to keep in place as time ticked on. But the time quickly jumped up on her and there was no more equipment to put on. Ready or not, here comes Kara.

She made herself jog to the hangar, helmet in hand. A deckhand pointed her to a bird. Kara mounted the ladder with shaking hands. She was careful not to let anyone see how scared she was becoming. For frak's sake she didn't even know what the Cylon ships looked like. Having done preflight checks a thousand times in her experience and having taught other nuggets to always do the checks, she did them without thinking. Helmet on, oxygen flowing. She pulled the canopy closed with everything was done. Strapped in and nervous, Kara gave the knuckle draggers the okay. The bird lumbered to the launch tube. She did her best to look impatient with them. That was what she usually did. This was no different from her training. At least that was what she was telling herself and that was what the commander had tried to convince his crew of in that first announcement. Certainly no one fully believed him.

The airlock closed behind her bird and Kara did her best to control her fraying nerves. They weren't getting worse but they weren't getting any easier to soothe either. She let them know that all systems were green on her monitors. The cockpit was different than the one she was used to. Kara was surprised to find that this didn't unsettle her as much as she might have thought. It seemed simpler. The older style wasn't fancy or trying to impress anyone. She appreciated the no-nonsense design of it. All the necessary parts were there without overwhelming the pilot. Here's to hoping all those basic parts still worked.

"Hold up, Starbuck," the voice said in her ear. "We've got fluctuations. Abort launch."

Slightly irritated, she turned the necessary systems off. The anticipation is always the worst part. The commander had told her that when they would share stories on the quiet days aboard the Battlestar. She was already feeling testy and the malfunction didn't assuage her. The feeling was compounded as the deckhands withdrew the bird from the tube and attempted to repair the affliction. It wasn't long before she was loaded back up, throttle purring. They went through the same checks with the launch tech. Again, he aborted. She began to doubt the solidity of the Viper as the knuckle draggers bickered over ways to fix the problem. Kara supposed it should have been comfort enough they _knew_ what the problem was. Her tongue was clenched between her teeth as they made adjustments. Nervousness was turning into anger, which was probably a good thing. Kara knew how utilize anger. Loaded up for a third time, she was ready to face whatever forty-year monster machine the Cylons had built if it meant she could get out of there.

Alas, "Thrusters are fluctuating. Abort launch."

Again.

She couldn't hold her words anymore. The canopy rolled forward and helmet off, she barked at Tyrol.

"Three frakkin' aborts, Chief!" Kara couldn't hear what he said in response. She was listening to her fellow pilots struggling out there. She was the best pilot they had (though still untested in combat). If anyone should be out there trying to pin down one of those suckers, it was the fearless, hot-shot Starbuck. When the sound of exploding alloys could be heard on the pilot's chatter, she let loose a "C'mon!" with more than a little frustration. She didn't care much what they did anymore. Just let the bird fly.

The problem was quickly resolved (apparently) and she was loaded back in. Kara half-expected the launch to fail again. But it was all clear this time. A tiny flutter in her chest reacted to the news. All was pacified when she was free to launch and escaped the _Galactica_'s confines. She coasted away for a time. When it was clear the bird wasn't about to putter out and quit on her, Kara let the throttle fly and headed off in the direction of the firefight. Turns out that the vets were right. It would not at all surprise her if she didn't make it back to the Battlestar as clean as she went out. Assuming she made it back at all.

Her fellow Vipers were swarming around without any apparent order. But not Kara. Her discipline took over the instant she was within striking distance. Seamlessly, she went in pursuit of an enemy vessel. At the same time she got her first good look at what the Cylons were flying. The first thing that occurred to her was that there was no way that thing had enough room for a cockpit. The Cylons were all derived from computer technology. The next logical answer was that the ship was a computer of its own, having no need for a pilot. Weren't all Cylons made with the idea that they should work on autopilot? Give it a command and it would carry out any intermediate steps on its own? The enemy flipped around to face her pursuit. A panel shifted in what Kara could only assume was its processing center and a red light seemed to scan her.

"Oh, frak me," she said when she saw her navigation panels flickering and changing in response to the Cylon's scanner. Thankfully, her ship didn't falter. Full control of the bird remained online and in her hands. She said as much to _Galactica_ over the com. The Cylon ship had clearly expected to thwart her advance. When that proved false, it stayed stationary just long enough to make Kara's kill shot a little too easy. The explosion was still satisfying. Her first kill in combat and she hadn't even pissed herself yet. Nothing could keep the smile off of her face at that. She could celebrate this little event if nothing else. "All Vipers, systems are go!"

The elation was short-lived. No sooner had she angled to join a course of pursuit on the remaining Cylon vessel had one of their own Vipers been lost. In a place so full of flying explosives, that one seemed to burn brightest for the fraction of a second it could maintain itself. Not even explosive can survive in the synapses of space.

"Keep it together, guys!"

Planes seemed to be sweeping in and out of space, guns blazing. If they weren't careful, someone would become a victim of friendly fire. No sooner had the thought crossed her mind than impact smacked into the mounting. Kara fought furiously to control the yaw of the ship so that it would not send her into another line of fire.

"I'm alright," she told the others. Her muscles were screaming in protest. It would take a lot of strain, but she could keep the plane on course. There really wasn't another option if she didn't. The chase was on again with the remaining ship. The enemy moved gracefully through them. She saw red lights glowing beneath its wings. That could only mean one thing: it was arming nukes. Frustration at her fellow pilots was reaching a crescendo and she let them know it over the coms. Kara reached the Cylon just a shade too late. Three devices were launched before she destroyed the ship. Sights shifting to the missiles, she managed to detonate two of the three before space ran out and the third passed by, headed flush for the Battlestar. "_Galactica_ you've got an inbound nuke," she warned. "All Vipers: break, break, break!"

The nuke made impact on the port side of the ship. Kara couldn't see any more after that. The heavens became rent with the light of a nuclear explosion. She didn't think there had ever been a light so bright and violent. Eyes snapped closed and head turned away, there still seemed to be too much light to bear. She didn't even care that she was flying blind. The _Galactica _was rocked violently upon impact. There was not a pair of feet that weren't upended. In an abandoned storage locker deep in the Battlestar's bowels, Captain Alyssa Windsor was knocked off pointe. The momentum of the fouette turns was compounded with nuke's impact. That resulted in a spectacularly ungraceful flinging of the human body. She caromed headlong into the bulkhead and there she remained.

Kara had eyes again, at last. She corrected her course and pointed herself back to _Galactica_. There was some debris from other Vipers and the Cylon ships she had to maneuver around, but other than that, the area was clear. Flying alongside the Battlestar, she observed the damage. Establishing communication was the next thing she needed to do.

"_Galactica_, Starbuck. The forward section of the port flight pod has sustained heavy damage. _Galactica_, you've got violent decompressions all along the port flight pod. Do you read me? _Galactica?_" Kara kept scouring the ship for any more damage. Time seemed to tick away in slow motion. Finally, she heard a response. Relief flooded in. It was fixable and she wasn't alone anymore. Sometimes that's all you really need in order to carry on.

Meanwhile aboard Colonial Flight 798 momentous events were unfolding. Zak was emerging from the cargo bays. He felt he could better serve the passengers by making the space more comforting since he had refused the task Roslin had set him to with Lee. Making the ship more accommodating was something the passengers would need if they returned to _Galactica_. The act wouldn't conflict with any of his convictions. The job was all but complete now; a majority of the heavy lifting now finished. Up above, he spotted his brother tucked off to the side speaking with Roslin. Zak seated himself and waited out their conversation. The captain of the ship wandered in not long after Zak had sat down. He looked deeply shaken again. His interest piqued, he watched the man go by and hand Roslin a message. There was a short pause before she stood up and resigned herself to some fact.

Of the captain she made a request. "We're going to need a priest."

He thought he knew what that meant. Roslin and the captain left the section together. Presumably to make another announcement. Lee slowly walked over and sat down beside his brother. Their disagreement from before was still not forgotten, but neither was in a mood to discuss it.

"Was that…" Zak asked without finishing. He never really needed to speak his full thoughts with Lee and vice versa. The brothers could understand each other without needing to speak. It was a skill they'd developed to survive in childhood.

"Looks like we have a new president."

Zak nodded and let his eyes wander. He was wondering how her new position should affect his decisions. Even if she was president, she was still untested in such a leadership role. She didn't have any experience in command during such a situation. Indeed, she had no tactical training that may help her dictate how to best persevere during these circumstances. Soldiers were loath to follow an untested leader into battle.

"Do your weapons arm themselves when the President of the Colonies orders it?" Lee teased.

"Not when _that_ president orders it. Maybe once she gets her feet wet in a few wars I'll be more likely to trust her judgment."

"What would you do if she gives you a direct order?"

That was a good question, he had to admit. What would Zak do? If this were a situation that could be fed into one of his programs, what would happen? He supposed that as president, Laura Roslin would act as the manual override. All her orders would bypass his code. Then again, Zak was the one that had written the code. It could easily be manipulated to work in his favor. A direct order from the President was pretty straight forward, though.

Zak sighed and looked at his brother. "Depends on the order."

Lee was not impressed with the reply. His little brother could never answer a hypothetical question unless all of the parameters were specifically laid out and fully explained. It really defeated the purpose of a hypothetical question in the first place. "Suppose she told you to aid in rescue operations."

"Then I suppose I would listen. If we were already there and the ship was hard sealed, I would work as fast as I could to collect the passengers and prepare a jump back to _Galactica_'s coordinates."

"What if there was more than one ship she wanted you to help with?"

"Color me treasonous."

"Of all people, I thought you would be the one that would play by the rules under any and all circumstances." _It's easier that way_ Lee stopped himself from adding.

Zak arched an eyebrow at him. "There comes a time when you have to lay the rules to the side and do what's right even when it's wrong. Of all people I thought _you_ would understand that."

Each brother took the other's meaning. What Zak had meant made perfect sense to Lee. His brother already knew that he agreed with him on the matter of returning to _Galactica_ and being better defended. Alas, he wasn't in control here. What Zak was saying was not that he they stage a military coup. He was just saying they should quit while they're ahead. It was folly to stay unprotected out in open space looking for other just-as-unprotected vessels. Zak was not wrong in arguing that the risking of every single soul aboard Colonial Flight 798 was too much to put on the possibility of sparing a few others. Disobeying an order to engage a search-and-rescue mission might even be met with approval from the other passengers. Sometimes you had to break the rules to save a few lives, to save your own life. Lee was beginning to think he should have supported his brother. Zak seemed to be in remarkable control of himself. Lee hadn't seen him lose it for even the smallest fraction of a second. He was conducting himself like a seasoned officer. The calm aurora around him even influenced Lee to think of his little brother as a superior officer for a moment. Yeah, that would be the day.

The two of them stood side by side during Roslin's swearing in. Zak made a goofy face at the priestess they had scrounged up on the ship. In a low voice he explained that he had almost fallen asleep during her piece at the ceremony. Both of them rolled their eyes at the notion of religion. They did their best to look serious as the swearing in was complete. It wouldn't do to be chatting as the new president was announced. Not to mention the circumstances at which it was being done. It meant that forty-two people were dead. That number seemed ghastly enough without even considering the mass extinction that was taking place on the surface of those planets.

After the crowd had dissipated to take in the news of the new president, Roslin signaled for Lee to follow her back to the cockpit. He did as she bid but not before giving Zak a look. Cramped among the pilots and new president he learned that they had found more ships that needed assistance. A large liner was in need of aid from the newly christened _Colonial One_. A seal was being worked on as they spoke. Lee did his best not to look disappointed. It was becoming increasingly difficult to follow his by-the-book ideology. He wasn't about to back out on his decision now just because it was hard. He'd been through the same situation before, magnified by a thousand. Supporting the rescue mission should be a walk in the park by comparison. Distraction from his thoughts came in the form a message being pooped out of the com deck. Ripping the paper free, Lee read it. He immediately wished he hadn't. Roslin was looking at him expectantly and encouraged him to read the message.

Reluctantly, he read aloud, "To all Colonial units. Am taking command of fleet. All units to rendezvous at Ragnar anchorage for regroup and counterattack. Acknowledge by same encryption protocol. Adama." The old nervousness was creepy back into his head by just holding the message. Lee could hear his father's voice saying the words in his head.

Roslin was considering what he had just said. The tiny hope that she would bend to his military expertise was quickly squandered. "Captain Apollo, please inform Commander Adama that we are currently involved in rescue operations and we require his assistance. Ask him how many hospital beds he has available and how long it will take him to get here."

Talk to his father? He had just gotten the echoes back in their cages, and they were spilling out again already. Why couldn't Zak take care of this like he always did? "I…"

"Yes?" Roslin didn't appear ready to take his waffling.

_I hope you're happy now_.

"I'm not sure he's going to respond very well to that request."

"Then tell him this comes directly from the president of the Twelve Colonies, and it's not a request."

"Yes, sir." He couldn't say any of that. He absolutely couldn't. She had to understand. Lee began to panic as the ringing rose in his ears again. There had to be some way to make her understand that it was irrefutably an awful idea to have him say anything of the sort she had suggested. Presidential order or not. "And, sir, Apollo's just my call sign. My name is Lee Adama."

He didn't see how that would explain to her his turmoil, but it was all he could think to say.

"I know who you are." Did she really, though? Did anyone? "Captain Apollo has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

No, he did not think so. He thought it made him sound even more like a beast living in his father's shadow. Lee was really starting to wish Zak had been told to come along to the cockpit with him. He was starting to get extremely overwhelmed with conflicting feelings. There were echoes in his head and ringing in his ears. He didn't want to send that message to his father, he didn't want to engage in rescue operations, and he didn't want to disobey a direct order from the president. He wanted a drink. And another and another until there wasn't anything left and he could reset himself the way you did when clearing the memory off a hard drive.

There was no time to get blackout drunk, however. The co-pilot followed Roslin out of their cabin and Lee took his place. He steadied himself and began to send the message back to _Galactica_. It's not as if his father would know that the message came from him. They were Roslin's words, Lee was just sending them. None of those thoughts were comforting him. Under any other circumstances he would have relieved himself from duty, citing a compromise of mental stability. There was no one to relief him here. If he quit now he would just be a wussy succumbing to combat pressure. It was likely that he'd never be cleared to fly a Viper again (especially since it looked like they'd be seeing a lot more combat if they ever got back to the Battlestar). Message completed and sent Lee sat next to the captain without speaking. He stared straight out into space without blinking. It was possible that the captain had tried to engage him in conversation. Lee wouldn't have known. His focus was on the chaos in his head. He was just beginning to question his sanity (do normal people have echoes in their heads anytime they're stressed?) when _Galactica_ reached them with a verbal response to their message.

"_Colonial One, Galactica_. _Galactica_ actual wishes to speak with Apollo," the communications officer said in their ears.

Lee hesitated. Two conversations with his father in one day? Next thing you know they'll be kissing hello and good-bye. "This is Apollo. Go ahead, actual."

"Hey, are you…Is your ship all right?"

No kissing just yet, he was relieved to hear. The old man still couldn't ask if he was okay without balking. The relief was mingled with irritation, though. That was more out of habit than any particular ill will. "We're both fine. Thanks for asking."

"And Zak?"

"Relieved from duty at the moment."

"What?"

"He refused an order so I relieved him of his obligation."

Bill chose not to pursue the topic since neither of his sons appeared to have sustained any bodily harm. "Is your ship's FTL functioning?"

The captain nodded to Lee, who in turn relayed the affirmative to the commander.

"Then you're ordered to bring yourself and all your passengers to the rendezvous point. Acknowledge."

Oh, if only it were that simple for Lee.

"Acknowledge…receipt of message."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means I heard you." _When at odds with yourself, play by the book_. It had never led him to harm before. It wouldn't now.

"You're going to have to do a lot better than that, Captain." Bill wondered if his son was being difficult on purpose. Ever since he'd looked at the emancipation situation from a new angle, all sorts of things were falling into the light and making sense in a way they never had before. Perhaps Lee's anger with him ran deeper than he suspected. It did seem unlikely that he would risk so many lives because of a grudge against Bill, though.

"We're engaged in rescue operations."

"You are to abort your mission immediately and proceed to Ragnar."

_By the book. Follow the rules_. "The president has given me a direct order."  
"You're talking about the Secretary of Education. We're in the middle of a war, and you're taking orders from a schoolteacher?"

All points that Zak had already made and Lee had already agreed with. Golly was it hard to fight against the side you knew was right. He kept at it nevertheless.

The captain noticed his monitors beeping with a new addition. "We've got trouble."

"Standby, _Galactica_," Lee said. To the pilot, "What?"

"Inbound Cylon fighters," he reported.

Roslin came up behind them. Lee hadn't noticed her reentry. "How long 'til they get here?"

"ETA: two minutes."

Under threat of annihilation, Lee dropped the façade of support he'd been showing the president. "He's right. We have to go."

"No."

"Madame President, we can't defend this ship against-"

"We're not going to abandon all those people."

Was dying with them a better option? "But, sir, if we stay-"

"I've made my decision, Captain."

That was it. There was no sense that could be hammered into this woman. He should have supported Zak, should have resisted this search and rescue folly from the start. His brother was right: he had to do the right thing even when it was the wrong thing. It wasn't easy to make himself get up and drop the headset on seat. Lee had spent every day since he ran away from his grandfather's house building a system that would allow him to never end up in a corner like this again. He never wanted to make any more hard decisions after he made that first one. Now the only options left to him were to disobey or die. Logically, it was an easy decision. But the habits formed over a decade are not as easily undone.

"You're the president."

"Alright, then." Roslin was as cool as ever. She nodded vaguely at his request to go below.

Like a bat out of hell Lee was out of the cockpit and headed for the cargo bay that housed his disabled Viper. Zak saw him coming and jumped up, trying to block his way. Lee was not stopped, only slowed.

"What is it?" he asked.

"We've got incoming Cylons."

"What? Why aren't we moving? Isn't anyone coiling up the FTL drives?"

"No. We're engaged in rescue operations and will not abandon all the people."

"Is it really better if we're killed with them?"

"That's what I said."

"Where are you going?"

Lee shoved around his brother. The way was now unimpeded. Without missing a step, he called back, "If we're alive in the next minute, I'll tell you all about it."

Zak stood in the aisle of the ship. Uncertainty clouded the calm clarity he'd been experiencing. The moment passed after a few seconds, and Zak hurried in the direction Lee had headed. At the top of the hatch leading down to the cargo bay, Zak's body gave an unauthorized jerk as an the enormous wave of free energy crashed into it, knocking him off his feet and out of awareness.

* * *

Note:

By and large this was written to the sweet sounds of _Swan Lake_. It completes the mood or whatever. My dance knowledge is worse than _pffffft_. That was a fart sound. So if it doesn't make a lot of sense to you, it doesn't to me either. Those tiny parts were supposed to show how everyone is just a few steps ahead of losing it. I felt something was necessary to highlight how stunned everyone should be. A little too literal, I know but hopefully effective. I felt everyone seemed to just roll with it a little too easily when they heard about the attacks in the series. To a normal person, this must have seemed totally out of the blue. I mean, forty years without contact from the Cylons and then WHAP! They drop the big ka-boom on your home. Most people would be a little more compromised than what was shown. Or in shock or whatever. So I tried to make it clear that people were not acting as they normally would, and their panic was never far from the surface.

If people seem one-sided, know that it is only temporary. As we go along I intend to extrude everyone into fully developed people. Also, be warned that I will be delving into flashbacks quite regularly. Mostly because it's more fun to come up with entirely new situations, and I don't have to watch all the episodes again with subtitles on so I can get certain sets of dialogue as exact as possible. I won't be working exactly off of the plot lines in the series (because there were some I didn't like very much at all), but I will be using it as a base to jump off from. _Doy_.

As ever, thanks for hanging around.

Cheers,

E.R.


	4. E Pluribus Unum

Sweating and muscles shaking from exhaustion, Kara managed to land her sputtering Viper on the deck once the fire had been put out and decompressions had been balanced. There had never been a sweeter feeling than letting her tense body relax once all systems were powered down. She couldn't see the damage from the cockpit, but based on the way it flew there had been some engine trouble. The way the bird pitched and rolled with her every manipulation told her the gimbal ring had been damaged as well. Undoubtedly, that was the reason why she'd had to manhandle the controls so tight. Since the action had ended and major damage had been repaired, Kara's nerves were calmed. Combat had knocked the cocky attitude right out of her. She may have thought she was hot shit before, but after her baptism of fire she didn't feel like she had owned up to her boasting. A real jock would have taken out all three nukes instead of two. Having something to improve upon would help her. Since they had an active war on their hands now, Kara felt alive. Yes, she'd been _scared_ to life, but she was alive all the same. There was no time to dilly dally when there were Cylons out there blowing up your family. As the plane descended into the hangar, her anger was fanned instead. The more time she had to take everything in, the faster it grew. Those knuckle draggers could have gotten her killed, leaving the gimbal ring loose like that. She could have lost all control of her plane out there and been blasted to smithereens. All because some frakkin' moron hadn't made sure she could safely rotate on a single axis. Safe in the hangar, she detangled herself without assistance. The ladder was in place beside her when she was done with post-flight checks.

"Lieutenant, what did you do to my Viper?" Tyrol asked upon see the state of his mechanical charge.

She was not in the mood for his Mother Goosing of the planes. Undoing the restrictions of her flight suit, Kara surveyed the damage to her tail section for herself. If the old vets used to say you weren't a Viper pilot until your bird came back with holes and scorch marks, the she felt it was safe to say she was a Viper pilot now. Seeing just how lucky she had been not to lose the bird out in space just made her angrier with the crew. "I wondered why the engine gave out."

"We're going to have to pull the while mounting. Get the high lift." The orange-clad deckhands scurried at the chief's command. To the pilot he said, "I don't know how you managed to fly this thing, much less land it."

It was common knowledge that any monkey could fly (not fly a Viper in combat, but they could fly a Raptor for sure), but it took a real pilot to land; it was when everything had to come together for the safe return. Taking off is easy. Coming back is what's hard.

"It's not something I want to think about now. Where's Prosna? He's got to get that frakking gimbal locked, or I'll have his ass."

Tyrol faltered. "He's dead, sir. He died in the fire."

Much of Kara's anger was extinguished at the news. She hadn't been the only in peril, after all. "How many did we lose?"

"Eighty-five."

"Right." The number felt heavier than it should have. Their first KIAs. She began to leave the hangar.

"Oh, Lieutenant?"

She wanted to ignore him, but she turned around anyway.

"I don't know if you heard about Zak…and Apollo…" He seemed to have added the latter as an afterthought.

"Heard what?" Kara realized very much _what_ as soon as the words had left her mouth. She felt stunned, like a deer in headlights. "Right. Any word on Sharon?" Everyone knew Tyrol was frakking the rookie pilot. It appeared the two of them were in a similar pit: down a bedmate and a best friend.

"No, sir."

She left him there. The more distance she put between herself and the hangar deck seemed to thaw out the paralysis that had shocked her. Her breath quickened as she stumbled down the corridors and her vision was clouding. Feet working on autopilot, Kara took herself to the pilots' briefing room. She shrank down to the floor between two aisles of seats. It was hard to breathe around the lump in her throat. It was misery pouring down on her and she hated herself for not being able to cry. From the sounds of it, the entire solar system was being wiped of human life and she hadn't blinked an eye. Kara was being selfish and she didn't care. That selfishness seemed to be coming around to bite her now. She simply could not shed a single tear for them, for _anyone_. She just felt miserable. It was somehow worse than just having a big snotty cry. There really wasn't anything she could do from stopping herself from feeling this way. Curling up so her forehead touched her knees, she just _felt_. It actually did make things a little easier to bear. The improvement didn't make an inkling of difference compared to the abyss she felt she was in, but it was still something. Tears still refused to fall. At least she could breathe now, though.

"Not both," she tried to say aloud. It didn't come out sounding like any intelligible words. Her head shook back and forth against her knees. "Not both," she kept repeating. If one of them were gone, Kara would have been all right. You can still keep walking on a broken leg. But not both. She couldn't do anything if they were both gone. What was the point of it all without either of them? What were they all doing here anyway? If the gimbal had completely been lost, Kara wouldn't have minded, knowing what she knew now. It actually seemed preferable to this.

Gripping the seat next to her, she pulled herself to her feet. Lt. Gaeta's voice had told them to prepare for a jump. Kara didn't care much where they were going, but to be moving might make her feel better. She needed something to do or she'd get selfish again. She was an able bodied pilot who could help still. There were still some people who could be saved. The wrecked girl inside her made snarky remarks about those people that were still breathing, saying how much she didn't care about them. But the bigger part of her knew there were things to be done. Her resolve cracked again and a single sob escaped her. The thoughts had to go away for now. _They must_. Never mind that she wanted to sit here forever and be miserable. Things could still be done to let other people keep going; people that didn't want to sit around and feel sorry for themselves. Besides, she told herself as the jump was executed, the old man seemed to still be in control of himself _and _the ship. And he was their _father_.

"Get a grip, Starbuck," she said to herself.

_Zak picked his way through the bar carefully. It was filled with several distasteful types. He wasn't entirely happy with the choice of venue. It was supposed to be a celebration for _him_, so he didn't see why they couldn't go somewhere _he_ wanted to go. This wasn't one of the usual hangouts the young recruits of the Academy haunted. This was some other place both Lee and Kara promised Zak would be well worth the commute. He wondered if the two of them had been really drunk when they were last here and didn't remember how gross it was. Why else would they describe it so fantastically? He didn't think he'd been in a bar so unsavory before. On the list of things he'd never want to do, being in this place might be one of them. In fact, Zak would have preferred to stay in this night and throw jellybeans in his new roommate's mouth. He and Tim had to bond somehow. But it would be the last time he'd have a lot of time to burn with Kara. His friends liked to say he was whipped. Zak agreed. He'd follow Kara just about anywhere with a rose in his teeth. And so braving the hostile environment of the bar wasn't so bad. Eventually he found the two of them in a booth near the back, away from the thick of the noise. _

_ They cheered when they saw him drawing near. He could see quite clearly that they had wasted no time getting the juice flowing. Both of them were buzzed to say the least. The two of them could put away a lot of liquor. It took a lot to knock the sea legs out from under those two pilots. Zak dully wondered how high their tab must be by now. The cheers quickly morphed into some weird chant. They banged their glasses on the table in time with his name. Strangers around him looked with interest. A few of them even began chanting along with Kara and Lee. Zak had never seen them before in his life. Kara sprung up from her seat when he reached their table. _

_ "I'm so proud of you!" she shouted as she pulled him close in a hug. "You're one of those lab geek-baby geniuses! You could blow me up with your giant brain power, and I couldn't stop you! My boyfriend's a mad scientist!"_

_ Zak laughed at the idea of a mad scientist. If anything, he would be the benign scientist. Kara smiled at his smile and pulled him down beside her in the booth. _

_ "What was it like?" Lee asked over his drink. "Did they show you the giant bombs they've got buried in their underground labs?" _

_ "They don't have underground labs." That he knew of. Zak took the drink his brother offered. "I just went in for an interview with the Aerospace head, he seemed to like me, and then they gave me some situation tests to see if my call with the flight school planes was just a fluke. I guess I made the right changes and they asked me when I wanted to start."_

_ "Just like that?" Lee seemed amazed at the story. His level of enthusiasm was usually a good benchmark for Zak to gauge just how wasted he was. He downed the drink, in a hurry to catch up with them. The nasty bar suddenly didn't seem so bad a place after all. The atmosphere about them was infectious. _

_ "Just like frakkin' that." He called for another drink. "I've got to take some of their courses on the types of codes and programs the weapons are compatible with, but…yeah. I'm frakkin' in." _

_ "Oh, Lee, your baby brother is an egghead!" Kara crooned. _

_ "I know. I think we should get t-shirts or something."_

_ They cracked up at the thought._

_ "Do you think they'd let us put bumper stickers on the Vipers?" She seemed really excited by the possibility._

_ "No one would see it," Zak pointed out. "Space is really big and all."_

_ "But I would know it's there."_

_ "I'll see what I can do, then. Still can't believe it's real though."_

_ "What's so unreal about it?" Lee asked._

_ He shrugged. "It's not weird being an engineer, it's weird _not_ being a pilot. It was sort of my plan my whole life. I never thought about what I wanted to do when I grew up because I assumed I'd just be a pilot."_

_ Kara scrunched up her face. "Must have been quite a shock when you realized you were crap at flying." She mimed a gun. "Big hole shot through that plan."_

_ "Yeah. It's like, what do I do now? You can't just be good at flying. Knowing how the thing works can only get you so far. I never thought about being anything else so I figured I would get through flight school by brute force. And you know what? I think I hated it the entire time!"_

_ "No one hates flying, Zak," she told him. "It's the one thing _all _people can't do but wish they could."_

_ "You're right, I guess. But it never felt right to me. Everything was so forced. I sat in the cockpit and never once felt comfortable." _

_ "Believe your old flight instructor: it showed."_

_ "I bet it did. I was only in the CE-C building for a few hours but it felt like_ home_…you know what I mean?"_

_ "No," they said at the same time. _

_ He laughed long and loud at them. "Of course not. You two are broken, hopeless cases. It might be sad if you guys weren't so drunk."_

_ "Can't help it," Kara said lightheartedly. _

_ They talked for an hour and a half more before they decided to take the party somewhere else. Sufficiently buzzed, the three of them slipped out the door with what remained of the bottled they'd bought. It was decided that they'd go to the beach. The Academy was just far enough away from the shoreline for it to be too much effort to go down regularly. However, since they were away from the usual haunts of recruits and already out that far away, it seemed like a good idea. The short walk was adventurous to say the least. Kara walked in the middle with her arms around either of the boys' necks, turning them into a six-legged monster that leaned on itself to keep upright. They made their way to the short sandy shore depending on one another to keep them safe from falling._

_ Lee collapsed in the sand flat on his back. Zak and Kara sat more gracefully; she leaned her back into Zak's chest, his chin on her shoulder. _

_ "I think you overdid it again, Apollo," she accused. Zak nodded his agreement. _

_ Lee rolled his eyes at them. Laughing, he said, "They should have called me Dionysus. I would have liked that more."_

_ "We can't pick our own call signs, buddy. It's tradition."_

_ "I would have gladly given it to you, Zak, when you got your wings. But now I'm stuck as Apollo."_

_ "Just what I needed: another hand-me-down."_

_ "Shit, you wouldn't fit into anything Apollo handed down anymore," Kara said. "He's the little guy here."_

_ "Bitch," Lee teased after taking a swig from their shared bottle. He handed it to Zak._

_ "Jerk," Kara shot back._

_ "Asswipe."_

_ "Shit licker."_

_ "Drunk."_

_ "Slut."_

_ "Girl." He threw a handful of sand at her. _

_ "Momma's boy." _

_ Lee laughed at that, long and loud. It only stopped when he had to spit the sand that Kara had thrown at him out of his mouth. She laughed at his spluttering. Zak began to laugh at their laughter. They went on like that for some time. It let up slowly, giggles escaping after short pauses. Kara and Zak's laughter picked back up when they saw that Lee had laughed himself out of consciousness. _

_ She signed as she calmed down. "I love you."_

_ "Who?" Zak asked. He passed her the remains of the bottle._

_ "You. Him. Me. Us."_

_ "Me, too."_

_ "People should be drunk all of the time. Because you're your truest self when you're hammered, you know? No one feels like they have to hold anything back. You just say everything that's in there. No filter, no bullshit…people just say it. We should be like that all of the time." _

_ "I don't know about that."_

_ "Why?" She twisted around so she could face him. "You think the censors are good?"_

_ He shrugged. "I don't know. Sometimes I think it would be better if we didn't say things that can be taken the wrong way. People get emotional when they're drunk. They take things the wrong way and overreact."_

_ "It's a small price for honesty."_

_ He shook his head. "It's a big price." _

_ "You're probably right. You're always right. My lab geek boyfriend is always right." Kara leaned forward and kissed his nose. "I shouldn't have called him a momma's boy."_

_ The giggles threatened to overtake Zak again. "He won't remember it in the morning," he managed._

_ "True. We've got that at least." She kicked a bit of sand at Lee's prone frame. Zak threw a handful of his own. Soon enough they were burying their passed out friend in the sand, laughing all the while. When that was done, a sand battle broke out between the couple. They rolled and dove at each other. Quick as a cat, Kara reached out and playfully slapped his ass. She got up and fled from his retaliatory swat. There was a drunken pursuit along the shore punctuated with guffaws and half-formed insults. Zak eventually got a hand on her waist and tackled her. They fell into the changing tides with a shallow splash. She shrieked at the cold of the water and flung her arms around his neck, chuckling in his ear. _

_ "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Zak Adama," she said breathlessly._

_ "Likewise, Kara Thrace." He kissed her damp hair._

_ "What in the hell was I doing before I met you doing your best to crash a plane?"_

_ "Most likely, you were getting drunk and making poor decisions, just trying to have a good time."_

_ "How's that any different than now?"_

_ "It's not. You're just not doing it alone anymore."_

_ "Okay."_

_ "Okay."_

_ "Thank you."_

_ "For what?"_

_ "For being my friend," she said waving her hand at the heavens, like it was obvious. "And my boyfriend. Gods, that word sounds so juvenile. For giving me that broken goof over there to be my best friend." Her extended hand pointed toward the man they'd buried in the sand. _

_ "You can keep him as long as you feed him twice a day and take him for a walk every morning."_

_ "Okay, if that's all it takes. I love the Adamas." She poked his nose. _

_ "The Adamas love you." Zak flicked her forehead._

_ "Those bastards better."_

_ "Or what?"_

_ "Or I can cause a lot of trouble for them."_

_ "I don't doubt it."_

_ They stayed in the shallows until a lightening in the sky could be detected. The city was already starting to fill with the buzzing of early morning commuters and late-night club goers finding their way home with bleary eyes. Zak rolled out of the sand and pulled Kara up. Together they unburied Lee and tried in vain to wake him. _

_ "Want to flag a cab for me?" Kara asked. "We can't bring this on the train."_

_ "Are you sure?"_

_ "Yeah. I've got plenty of experience with blackout-drunk Dionysus here. Besides, his place is closest. Keeps the fare low. We can hoof it to my place from there."_

_ Zak obliged and hailed a hired car. They dumped Lee in with a combined effort. Inside they sat with him slumped between the two of them, head resting on Kara's shoulder. She pressed her cheek into the top of his head and had a series of thumb wars with Zak the whole way there. Zak dragged his brother while Kara opened the door to his apartment. It was a small improvement over where he had stayed after the emancipation, but an improvement all the same. They left him on the sofa. Zak watched with interest as she clumsily wandered off down the hall. When she returned, Kara put a glass of water and one of each of his three medications on the coffee table next to Lee. She ruffled his hair, feeling uncharacteristically affectionate in her inebriation. Hand in hand with Zak, the two of them left for Kara's apartment._

Dazed and confused, Zak pushed himself up from the floor. He blinked and let his surroundings fall into place. The cargo bay hatch was open beside him, the stairs yawning beneath him. So they weren't all dead. That or this was an extremely boring afterlife. Thinking the former the more likely of the two, Zak's brain readjusted and coherent thought returned. A few of his nerves were still frayed and jumping like live wires, but he pulled himself up and hurried as quickly down the steps as his jumpy body would let him. At the end, he scanned the bay for Lee.

"Frak, frak, idiot, frak!" he chanted as he jimmied his way over to where his brother lay on the ground beside the pulse generators. Crouched over his elder brother, Zak shook his shoulder. "Lee, you moron, get up." He stirred. It struck Zak how oh-so familiar this situation was. Here they were ten years later with one still crouched over beside the messed up other. The footsteps echoing on the steps caught his attention. It was Roslin and the captain. Zak supposed he should be thinking of her as Madame President now.

"Captain Apollo!" she called. Her clacking shoes echoed in the cargo bay. The captain was less noisy. They both crowded around Lee. Perhaps it was an old instinct that was reemerging because the situation was so similar to ones the brothers had shared at home with their mother, but Zak refused to back off once the other two swooped in. He was feeling irrationally protective of Lee and found he did not want the others so close. That being said, he was feeling acutely annoyed at his brother, too.

The captain smiled when he saw that the Viper pilot was not damaged. "That was fun." A laugh volleyed between captain and president. Lee and Zak did not share it. One of their patented silent conversations passed between them, and Zak heaved both of them upright. His brother's body still trembled with the residual energy it had absorbed from the massive pulse. Talk about being wired. Zak was reminded of Alyssa at the thought of the word 'wired.' Wherever she was, he hoped she was okay. The last person in the universe that was built for combat was probably Alyssa Windsor.

"I think it worked," the captain said.

"What exactly did you do?" Roslin asked.

Lee stuttered, "I basically just used the hyper drive to manipulate the energy coils. I put out a big pulse of electromagnetic energy that must have disabled the warhead." _Brilliant_, Zak thought. Then, _why hadn't I thought of that? I make weapons for frak's sake!_ Lee staggered but Zak was right there to steady him as ever. "I'm hoping that it looked like a nuclear explosion."

"Oh, so that's what that was." Why in the worlds was Roslin looking so excited? She talked over whatever Lee was about to say, "Did it fool the Cylons?"

"I don't know. But if they weren't fooled, then they'd be on top of us by now."

"Does the rest of the Fleet know about this trick?" That was the captain.

Zak shook his head but none of them seemed to notice.

"I doubt it. It was just a theory we toyed with in War College, but it never used to work during war games. The Cylons would see right through it and destroy the targets anyway. "

"The lesson here is not to ask follow-up questions but to simply say 'Thank you, Captain Apollo for saying our collective asses.'" A teacher always makes sure there is a lesson to be learned.

Zak thought it was rather ballsy of the president to say such a thing when Lee had just been telling her to get the frak out of here minutes before. There was a much easier way they could have saved their own asses: jump away to Ragnar like _Galactica _had said. Nevertheless, Lee said 'you're welcome' very deliberately. They began to march away.

"Now, if I could suggest-"

"Evacuating the passenger liner and get the hell out of here before the Cylons realize their mistake. I'm right with you Captain."

There was an awful sinking feeling in the pit of Zak's stomach when he realized that they weren't going to return to _Galactica_ at all. Not anytime soon, at least. She still intended to search the solar system for the halted, abandoned ships. Had that attack not been enough to scare her into realizing that the Cylons could pop out of the pot at any second and take them out whenever they wanted? They _would_ realize the mistake, and when they came back to finish the job for real, _Colonial One_ wouldn't have any more fancy tricks up her sleeve. Zak followed the rest of them back up the stairs like a zombie. They were all insane. Or suffered from massive hero complexes. He sat down among the other passengers feeling like a prisoner. If there was any way for him to escape _Colonial One_, Zak was sure he would take it make for Ragnar on his own. The grey clouds over his head darkened when he felt the ship gaining speed. All the passengers on the other line must have been salvaged. Was it even worth it to get the people out of one burning building and into another? The entire city was burning, to continue the metaphor. It would only be safe once they left the solar system. Why didn't anyone see the danger?

_Kara slammed the little orange bottle down on the table in front of Lee. He looked up abruptly from the maps and diagrams he'd been studying, startled by her violent movement. Just a minute ago they'd been going over their work in companionable silence. _

_ "The hell are these?" she said in a no-nonsense tone of voice._

_ He didn't need to look any closer to see what she meant. Even in the privacy of his own apartment, he quickly snatched the bottle off the table and folded it into his hands. The pills gently rattled against each other when he picked it up. He didn't want to risk anyone else seeing. "Where did you find these?"_

_ "Does it matter? Why the frak do you have them?"_

_ "It's not a big deal, Kara."_

_ "Not a big deal! Lee, I looked it up, they're antipsychotics!"_

_ "Exactly how long have you been snooping on me?"_

_ "That's not the point. The point is why do you have them? There were two other ones lined up next to this one!"_

_ "They were prescribed, if that's what you're asking. Years ago. And I haven't taken them in a long time."_

_ Kara looked at him incredulously. In a whisper-yell, she said, "What frak do you mean they were prescribed but you don't take them? Prescription would mean that you absolutely _should_ take them. I'm sorry if I'm a little confused here. Explain it to me." She sat back in her seat and crossed both her arms and her legs at the same time. _

_ "It's really not the time for this. We've got to get going to meet Zak at the bar."_

_ "Too frakking bad. I could have gone right to a superior officer with this."_

_ Lee looked terrified at the thought. "Kara, if you tell them, they would never let me fly again. They could discharge me."_

_ "Then get talking. Why do you have frakking crazy pills?"_

_ "Because I was diagnosed years ago and they were the standard treatment, that's why."_

_ "That's not good enough." Now both of them were frustrated. Kara tried again. "This has something to do with your mother?"_

_ "You think so?"_

_ "Hey, don't get sassy with me. You're the one in trouble here."_

_ "Fine. What do you want to know?" Lee spun the bottle in his hands nervously._

_ "Well, the diagnosis for a start." He mumbled at her. "What was that? You have to speak up. Use your words, Lee."_

_ "It was psychotic depression," he said quickly._

_ "What?" Kara said again, not because she hadn't heard him, but because she was surprised this time. "So you_ are_ crazy? What is that?"_

_ Lee shook his head, clearly uncomfortable. "It's just like regular depression, only people have occasional breaks from reality."_

_ She stared at him. It was difficult for her to take all of that in and really get a handle on it. No one Kara knew had as tight a head on their shoulders as Lee did. Slowly, she asked, "And what did you do?"_

_ "I heard things."_

_ "Frak me on the altar. What did you hear?"_

_ "Just…things."_

_ "When did this happen?"_

_ "I don't know. When I was seventeen? My grandfather had me see someone before he died."_

_ "Why don't you take them anymore?"_

_ "Because I don't need to. I haven't since I joined the military. They wouldn't take me if I was on antipsychotics. I wasn't even having episodes anymore anyway."_

_ Kara was skeptical. If she had been in that position, she would have stopped taking them just so she could get in. Whether or not the problem had subsided wouldn't have played too much of a role in her decision. "But you still have them."_

_ "You never know."_

_ That was true enough. Thoughts of her own past often jumped up on her when she least expected it. "What are the other two for?"_

_ Lee rolled his eyes. He shook the one in his hands at her. "You already know what this one is. One of the others was an antidepressant and the last one was for anxiety…I was anxious," he added unnecessarily. _

_ "Well, shit," she said. "Does Zak know?"_

_ He laughed humorlessly. "No. No one knows. Well, you do now."_

_ "No one knew? Not Zak or your dad or _anyone_?"_

_ He shook his head. "My grandfather knew I saw the guy he sent me to, but he didn't know any more than that. Perk of being an emancipated minor: family has no authority to see my medical records."_

_ "When's the last time you used any of them?"_

_ "After Grandfather Joseph died," he lied._

_ "Didn't anyone notice that you'd been prescribed drugs like this when you enlisted?" Kara was certain something like this would have stood out to someone reviewing his paperwork._

_ "No. Officially, I never filled any prescriptions. It only says that I saw a psychiatrist twice. When they asked about that I just said it was part of the emancipation process and they wanted to see if I was in a stable enough state of mind to take care of myself. To be honest with you, I don't think they really cared too much. My father's reputation preceded me."_

_ "If you never 'officially' filled the prescription how did you get them?"_

_ "You should have seen where I lived in at the time. That place was practically a fully-stocked pharmacy. Ask the right person and they could get you just about anything."_

_ She was amused at the thought of Lee buying drugs illegally and she told him so._

_ "Like I said, I had a prescription. I just used a different method to fill it."_

_ "So what do you do now that you're not using them?" she asked with a smile. Where before she had been angry to find drugs in his apartment, now the whole thing sounded silly to her. It wasn't, of course. But she just couldn't help smiling at the unlikelihood of it all. _

_ "I told you I don't need them anymore. I handle it by myself. On the few occasions when things do get a little out of hand, I do what everyone else does."_

_ "What's that?"_

_ "I drink."_

_ They both cracked up at that even though it wasn't really a laughing situation. Both of them knew getting liquored up didn't solve anyone's problems. That didn't stop both of them from doing it anyway. Since Zak bonded the two together with a pretty little bow, they'd become the best of drinking-buddies-turned-real-friends. _

_ "You said you heard voices. Who was it? Was there another evil version of you inside trying to take control?"_

_ "I didn't have multiple personalities, Kara."_

_ "Then who was talking to you?"_

_ "Nobody was talking _to_ me. I just heard things. Like a flashback, except I only listened to it. I never saw it."_

_ "So you would just be sitting around and suddenly you just have the wall playing the audio of your memories back at you?"_

_ Lee couldn't believe how casually they were talking about this. When he'd gotten the diagnosis he hadn't seen himself _ever_ telling anyone about it. He must really like Kara to be chatting like it was a particularly silly event from his childhood. He almost felt bad about lying to her about how frequently he used the drugs. A little part of him even wanted to tell her how they didn't seem to be working as well anymore. "Not exactly. I mean, I guess I would stare at the wall, but I could never see anything when it happened."_

_ "What do you mean?"_

_ "I never remembered looking at anything when it would happen. My eyes were open and my grandfather said I would be looking at something, but I never remembered seeing it. When I started to hear things, my vision always went black."_

_ "That's so weird!"_

_ "Grandfather thought so, too. It happened when I was at his house making dinner for him. Started hearing things and by the time it was over, the kitchen was filled with smoke. He made me see the psychiatrist after that. Said I would end up killing myself on accident it I let it keep going on. I agreed to go because I felt bad that I almost burned down his house."_

_ "So, what, you would just phase out at any second?"_

_ "Sometimes. Usually there was some stressor that brought it on, though. Rarely did anything happen out of the blue."_

_ "What would bring it on?"_

_ "Anything, really. When I almost set the house on fire, some grease from whatever was in the pan landed on my hand. Felt the heat and I was gone. It wasn't always that simple to get the echoes going, but it was easy for me to lose it at the time."_

_ "That man must have really liked you to have put up with your shit so much. I would have kicked your ass and told you to never bother me again."_

_ "I know. He'd actually get mad when I didn't see him at least once a week. Once he came to my apartment because I hadn't spoken to him in three weeks. You should have seen that place. I was surprised he found the place, first of all, because I never told him my actual address. And second, it's hard for strangers to get around in that place. It wasn't uncommon for bodies to turn up in the trash on the weekends."_

_ "Jeez, Lee. You _literally_ lived in a dump. I would have locked you in my basement when I saw you living there, if I was Joseph. It probably would have been nicer digs than that place."_

_ "You're probably right."_

_ "Why the frak didn't you call him? It's criminal to make an innocent old man go into a trap like that."_

_ "I didn't do it on purpose. It was a low point. I was in the middle of one of my worse episodes at the time. I don't think I left my place at all until he showed up. Probably smelt really ripe in there."_

_ "Was this before or after you tried to burn down his house?"_

_ "Before. Only a few days before, I think. He made me stay with him for a while after he found me. Said he was worried about me not eating or something. That's probably why I never set _my_ apartment on fire; I wasn't eating anything that required preparation. Now that I think about it, if he hadn't made me stay with him, I never would have set his kitchen on fire in the first place."_

_ Kara gave him a look. "Are you seriously blaming your dead grandfather for making you set his house on fire?"_

_ Lee laughed. It was an honest feeling. "No, nothing like that at all. Just…I don't know. Things would have been different if he hadn't made me stay with him. It was probably for the best though. Those days I was hearing things almost constantly. There are whole days I can't remember because all I did was lie on the floor seeing nothing but black and listening to the echoes in my head." He suddenly stopped talking. Had he really just said that out loud? It was one thing for Kara to know that he had had a crazy period and was medicated for it. It was a whole other hairy monster for her to know the details of what those weeks leading up to the diagnosis were like; for her to realize just how crazy he was. Hell,_ he _didn't even have a very clear memory of what those weeks were like. The only remnants of those days that existed in his memory were long stretches of blindness with ghosts whispering in his ear. It seemed that she didn't fully realize how very real his breaks from reality were, as ironic as that sounds. As much as he liked her, Lee didn't think he could tell Kara about that just yet. Maybe not ever. So he cleared his throat and told her that they'd better get going if they were going to meet Zak on time. How fitting that they happened to be talking about this old mess on the same day that Lee had been anticipating with antsy pants. Hardly for his brother's sake, but so that he could get piss drunk stupid and reset his brain. It was that time of the year when the chatterboxes in his head came out for a party of their own no matter what preventative measures he took. So there was only one emergency escape he could use._

_ Tonight, he would drink. _

By now Zak was beginning to feel the exhaustion. It must have been a full day at least since he had last slept. He really had no right to be complaining. After all, he wasn't really doing anything. He was being spectacularly unhelpful, actually. Ever since they picked up Boomer's drifting Raptor, Roslin-pardon, Madame President Roslin-had pursued her rescue mission with renewed vigor. By now they had accumulated quite the envoy of stranded ships. Welcome to the island of misfit spaceships. It was all thanks to the Raptor's limited jump capabilities that this was all possible. She sent the rookie pilot out to search the surrounding areas and to wrangle any stragglers back to this position. As their numbers grew, the president was visiting the ships and making endless lists and charts of the ships with FTL functions and those without. The sub-lights were to be evacuated immediately. Where those people were to go, Zak did not know. Most of the ships were beginning to feel the squeeze of overcrowding. He hoped the Cylons took the time to thank Roslin for collecting all of the surviving ships in one place before they blew them all up.

There was more he could be doing, clearly. But he had refused to conduct engineering checks of the new ships. It was not his intention to make Lee do all this work instead. He was only trying to make a point that this was not the right thing to do. Refusing to participate in any more delays in getting them to Ragnar was his way of getting the point across. Zak knew that it might be easier and faster if he had just agreed to do the checks and gotten it over with. He _was_ an engineer and had done checks on several ships when he had worked on projects with Alyssa. It would be much easier, and probably much more reliable, if he did them instead of Lee. However, it was a matter of principle and he would not be moved on this.

So he found something he might be good at. Rather, Roslin found something he might be good at since she was frustrated with his stubbornness and was determined to make him useful _somehow_. Sat down next to Gaius Baltar, _the_ Gaius Baltar, he looked at diagrams and designs and codes. Cylon technology was not so different than the things they used down at CE-C. The Cylons were derivatives of man, after all. Once you figured out their language, surely, there would be an answer staring them in the face with its butt hanging out. The only problem was, there had not yet been a clear pattern found within the monstrous pile of documents they'd been given. Aside from the hardened suspicion that the Battlestars had been infected with a system-destroying virus, probably from a single access point, the two of them had very little to go on. Zak had to admit that the plan to simply wipe out _all_ of the Battlestars' functions was brilliant. It made him slightly nervous to think that all it took to unhinge the Twelve Colonies was a good _computer virus_. He suddenly felt bad for the people that had made the matter so complicated with politics and extremely intricate plots on the planets' surface. Hell, if they wanted to take over, take a programming class and make a virus. Zak could have done it himself if he had the motivation. Make no mistake; the virus was very advanced and complicated. Not just any old senior-citizen-scamming virus could have dismantled the Colonies. The government wasn't _that_ incompetent. Anything military related naturally had back-ups, back-ups for the back-ups, emergency improvisers, and firewall upon firewall upon firewall upon a thousand other complex firewalls. Hell, they even went so far was to protect everything with a proxy server so that abso-toot-ly no one could trace any government-sanctioned communications or documents. To have access to that sort of information, about civil defenses and the networks of the Battlestars, the hacker would need to know what was in those government caches.

A sack of potatoes could have smacked Zak right in the face and he was sure he would not have felt a single thing. The realization had struck him with such immense force that he stopped breathing. It was so glaringly obvious that it only made sense that it would work. None of the information could be accessed remotely. To extract the information collected in the cache, one would need to be using a government computer, which was only kept on-site. That meant that the attacker was hiding in plain sight. They had to be human, or at least appear human, if they were walking around a federal building unhindered. Zak's head was spinning with the implications of it all. It was horrid to even consider. Either there were synthetic humans living among them or there were some treasonous Cylon sympathizers out there, which would be just as dangerous.

He was still dazed over the realization when there suddenly seemed to be a convening of the minds right in the aisle before him. Their hurried conversation made little sense to his buzzing brain. It sounded urgent. Then again, if Aaron Doral was a representative in this meeting of the minds, how important could it really be? Bleary eyed, Zak watched dully as his brother hurled cool logic and facts at Roslin, Doral, and the others. The captain of the ship seemed to shuffle around nervously. Zak knew the poor man just wanted to be told what to do instead of actually making any real decisions. His suggestions were only half-hearted, more of an attempt to understand why or why not than to actually follow that any course of action. The man had the potential to be a very good mid-level officer in the military. He would do well sandwiched between the brilliant tactical minds of a superior and above the less capable recruits still figuring out how to put their uniform on the right way. Now if only they could squash the emotional displays out of him…

Gaius Baltar squirmed beside Zak when the meeting broke up. He hadn't expected the doctor to be so nervous and just plain old _weird_. People back at CE-C treated Baltar as everyday water cooler talk. The tech engineers didn't appreciate the feds using civilians, such as the kind doctor, to work on projects when there was a whole division that does exactly his same job at their disposal. Almost everyone in the engineering complex on Caprica knew about Baltar and his work, and every engineer had an opinion on his work and involvement in government projects. The point is, Zak was familiar with his work. How the famous Gaius Baltar acted did not align with what he had expected. He never recalled seeing Baltar look like he had just seen a ghost in all the time that he had been gossiping about him at home. Perhaps he was just emotional over the destruction of his home. After all, he had been on the planet when the missile strikes started falling. That must be traumatizing or whatever.

Deciding to leave the fidgety doctor to himself, Zak sidled up to Aaron Doral. The PR rep suddenly didn't seem so chipper. His job must be difficult since he had to fake his emotions all day. What a way to live! "What's going on?"

He jumped. "We're leaving. Going to the rendezvous point."

"Now? Why?" _Gods, finally!_ He wondered what had changed Roslin's mind.

"A Cylon ship found us. Captain Adama thinks we should leave immediately before more turn up to attack."

"What about the sub-lights?" Not that it really made a difference to Zak. He'd been petitioning to get them out of here the second he'd heard about the attacks. The question was simply a matter of curiosity.

"It appears we're leaving them. There's no time to transfer them."

There had to be thousands they were abandoning. Zak couldn't help but think that it would have been nicer if they had never found those sub-lights. That way they wouldn't have been all grouped together in one place, making it that much easier for the Cylons to take them out. Thoughts such as those didn't bring him any satisfaction. He wasn't happy to be abandoning his brethren to their deaths. The decision to return to _Galactica_'s safe arms was what he had wanted, but it didn't bring him much joy to have finally gotten it. If Zak was religious, he might have said a prayer for those they were leaving behind. Maybe, just maybe, he might even have said a prayer for Roslin. It must not be very easy for her. She probably realized that she had been the driving force behind rounding up all of those ships only to leave them with Cylons breathing down their necks. Nobody said being president was easy. Zak left Aaron Doral to his sour mood. He sat down near an old woman that smiled at him. His returning smile was tight and forced.

"I have a grandson that looks a lot like you," she whispered as if it was a secret meant to be shared just between the two of them.

"That's nice. What was his name?"

"Alastor."

"That's a nice name."

"His mother named him that because she hated his father."

"Oh."

"Parents can be selfish when you injure their pride."

"You think so?"

The old woman smiled a knowing smile. "I know so."

The capable ships executed their jump to Ragnar, interrupting their pleasantries.

_Joseph watched his oldest grandson from his seat beside the bed. They'd had their words and now it was time for the standoff. Not even the coming and goings of the medical staff could interrupt them. Joseph hated to make Lee squirm any more than he already was, but something had to be done here. If they got all of the pain out of the way now, then they could concentrate on healing both literally and figuratively. He had seen the examination reports that the physician had filled out for the police when he had arrived. There had seemed to be too many marks on the diagram of the body to be real. Of course Joseph had suspected it was not all white picket fences with his son's family, but it always seemed rude to him to entertain the possibilities. When the police had suspected child abuse, they had gone to retrieve Zak and put their mother in custody. A similar exam had been done on the younger one. Joseph was relieved to see that there were almost no scars marked in the report on him that couldn't be chalked up to regular scrapes any rambunctious child could become victim to. He wanted to go get Zak now and take care of him, make sure the kid was okay. The youngest must be so scared with his mother having been taken away by police in front of him to be held on suspicion, and his brother in the hospital. Just now Zak was sitting with some police officer since there was no one else to watch him. As much as Joseph wanted to go to him and take him away from that stranger, it was Lee that needed him more at the moment. He certainly couldn't bring the little one in here. Zak didn't need to see his brother moaning in the big white hospital bed. Joseph foolishly reminded himself that Zak had already seen it. He had been the one that administered the most basic of first aid, bless his young heart. His efforts were not in vain, but the doctors still had to remove layers of burnt, dead skin and some of the more serious blisters from Lee's arms and chest. Joseph wished they would just sedate him. It would be kinder to just put him out for now. The poor kid couldn't even lie down without aggravating the raw skin. It was best if Zak didn't see his brother until he had his pain managed. _

_ "You should tell them," Joseph said. It was a gentle nudge, a safe way to bridge the gap between them. _

_ "Nothing happened. It was an accident."_

_ "The school told me they knew something was wrong because you were showing signs of shock."_

_ "So?"_

_ "So do a lot of your accidents involve going into shock?"_

_ Lee didn't answer, but looked at the ceiling and shifted around some more. The gauze on the newly scrubbed sections of skin stretched and folded with him. At least it was comforting to know that the scar tissue would not be tight. If he kept up this constant movement, Joseph thought, the skin would return with excellent flexibility. _

_ He tried again. "It will be easier if you just tell them what happened. They have more than enough cause to launch an investigation. Right now you still have the control."_

_ "It's no one's business. We'll be fine, just like we always are."_

_ "They won't leave you alone until you tell them something. That might as well be the truth." His grandson stared at him with big, confused, pained eyes. "Think of Zak. Do you want to bring him home to that again?"_

_ Lee still didn't say anything. He just stared at Joseph with those lost blue eyes. Finally he said, "It hurts."_

_ The grandfather nodded knowingly. "It's supposed to. That's how you know you're alive. When you don't feel anything, that's when you know you have a problem."_

_ In a small voice, "It hurts. I don't know what the right thing to do here is."_

_ Joseph would have reached for him, touched him in some way to let him know that he wasn't alone, but Lee was covered in splotchy burns and gauze, and he didn't want to make it any worse. "The right thing to do is to tell the truth and make sure it never happens again."_

_ "I can't."_

_ It looked like they were finally making progress. "Why can't you?"_

_ "She'll be mad. She'll come after me or…or Zak."_

_ "More of a reason to put an end to it."_

_ "I don't want anyone to hurt her either. I heard what people in prisons can do to people that hurt kids. Like prison has some sort of moral code about kids."_

_ Joseph couldn't disagree with that. He had his share of shady experiences, both through the legal system and in his personal life. There did seem to be an unwritten law in some penitentiaries that those who did unspeakable things to kids didn't deserve to live even among criminals. Convicts could be so protective of children sometimes. _

_ "There are other things you can do."_

_ "Like what? I just want her to stop doing this. She can keep on hating me, but I can't take _this_ anymore."_

_ Naturally, Joseph wanted to reassure Lee that his mother did not, could not, possibly hate him. But the words stuck in his throat when he really thought about it. Even when they'd been a cozy little family of four, Carolanne had never seemed very fond of her children. It always seemed like a chore when she would be taking care of them on her own. A chore she did not enjoy in the slightest. _

_ "Lee, there are things that can be done so that you don't have to live there anymore. I can help you get to a safer place and get some help for your mother."_

_ "That won't happen. Who would she yell at?"_

_ "No one, ideally. If she gave up custody of you two, I could be your guardian. You and Zak come live with me. At least until they get her into a rehabilitation center. When she's better, we could try fixing this again."_

_ "I don't think she'd give up custody willingly. It would mean admitting she did something wrong. She always says it's not her fault what she does to me. She would say that if I hadn't made Dad leave then she wouldn't have to do this to me."_

_ "She is responsible for her own actions. None of this is your fault. You've done nothing wrong, Lee."_

_ The youth wouldn't look at him. He'd finally become still and stared at his gauzy hands, worrying the sheets between his swollen fingers. They were the only part of him that was still moving. Joseph just watched him and waited until he felt like talking. Eventually he did._

_ "It had to be someone's fault, right? People don't do this for no reason. I must have deserved all of it, done something to make her feel justified. If I hadn't been so awful to Dad then he wouldn't have left, and then she wouldn't have had to punish me. She's right anyway. I was always doing something wrong, screwing things up, making things hard on her, it was always me that was ruining the family…"_

_ He kept going on and Joseph felt himself shaking his head in protest all the while. He could feel his heart breaking with every word that fell from Lee's mouth. The damage had clearly been done. Carolanne had broken this one a long time ago. Joseph was now wondering to what extent she had shattered his psyche. Was there any hope of putting him back together into a shape that almost looked human? He cursed himself for not pursuing his suspicions. His thought was that if anything serious had happened, one of the boys would have told him. _

_ "It's not true," he told his grandson with earnest. "Not one word of it is true. You were just doing the best you could. Don't you believe it for a second." It was, of course, too late for that, but it needed to be said. Lee rolled onto his less-damaged side, facing Joseph. _

_ "I can't go back there. Not after this." He was crying now. Tears falling off his sideways face. _

_ Joseph put a hand on the side of his grandson's head, one of the only places spared from the burns. Lee seemed to go rigid at the touch. His eyes stared straight at Joseph, but they didn't seem to be seeing anything. It looked like he was doing some very hard concentrating. Then his eyes closed and Lee leaned into his hand. Once he calmed down, he looked at Joseph with a detached, purposeful expression and said, "I'll talk to them."_

_ It seemed to take a long time, but it ended eventually. The night had fallen when the police's report was completed. Joseph went to reclaim Zak from his lawful babysitters. He looked tired._

_ "Can we go home now?" he asked when the two were alone._

_ "We're going to stay here with Lee tonight."_

_ "Is it that bad?"_

_ Sometimes Joseph didn't give Zak enough credit. He had matured beyond what he ought to at this age. "It's not that bad, they just want to make sure nothing changes for the worse. He'll be fine."_

_ "Are they going to send Mother to jail for hitting him?"_

_ "I don't know. But I wouldn't count on it. Lee doesn't want them to."_

_ "Why not? Isn't that what they do to people who do bad things?" _

_ Always so clear, so black and white with Zak. It could be both refreshing and unnerving at the same time. _

_ "We'll see what they say later. You're going to stay with me until then."_

_ "Okay." They walked in silence for a little bit, then he asked, "Is Dad coming home?"_

_ "Yes. They've been calling him. He'll get here soon." _William had better get here_ Joseph thought with some resentment. Surely Bill would not ignore this. It should be him sitting beside his son's hospital bed and offering comfort to the younger one. At the very least, he should have called Lee and talked to him. The police, hospital and school had all tried to contact him to no avail. If there was ever a time he needed to put his family first, it was now._

_ "I don't think he'll come." Zak said this with no emotion, like it didn't matter whether Bill showed up or not. "He never does, even when he says he will."_

_ "This is different, Zak. This is a very sensitive issue." _

_ The kid shrugged. "It's never made a difference before. He wouldn't even call on birthdays. If he didn't care about our birthdays, why would he care about Lee getting burned?"_

_ What odd logic that governed his mind. Joseph wondered what it would be like to see the world through Zak's eyes. Everything must have a distinct and simple explanation. The two of them reached the door to Lee's room just as an attendant was exiting. _

_ She smiled. "Are you the family?"_

_ "Yes," Zak answered for them in his detached tone of voice. _

_ "Has something changed?" Joseph asked. _

_ "Oh, no. Everything's looking good. We just administered some sedatives, so he'll be out like a light pretty soon. He's earned them, wouldn't you say?"_

_ "Yes I would. Thank you."_

_ They parted ways, the Adamas entering the dimly lit room together. Zak seemed to come alive when he caught sight of his brother. Hopping right up on the foot of the bed, he said, "Hey."_

_ "Hey."_

_ "Okay?"_

_ "Yeah. You?"_

_ "Good. Hurt?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "Sorry."_

_ "Not your fault."_

_ "Still. Not fair."_

_ "Never is."_

_ "Is there anything I can do?"_

_ "Nah. You already did plenty. Thanks for that. I don't think I ever said that."_

_ "Don't need to. You would have done the same for me."_

_ "Hope I never have to."_

_ "What's going to happen now?"_

_ "I don't know."_

_ "You look tired."_

_ "I am."_

_ "Want me to let you sleep?"_

_ "Not yet. Keep talking."_

_ "Can you move that hand?" Zak indicated the heavily padded left one. _

_ "Mmhm." The fingers of the hand in question contracted ever so slightly._

_ "I heard them say you had hypovolemia. What's that?"_

_ "Type of shock. Because blood volume decreased."_

_ "You weren't bleeding."_

_ "Other fluids in blood were gone."_

_ "Oh. I think you should go to sleep. You look bad."_

_ "Hmm?"_

_ "Go to sleep, Lee."_

_ "Not yet." There was silence. "Grandfather?"_

_ Joseph stirred from his reverie. He'd been entranced by the conversation the two boys were having. Although they actually spoke very little, he hadn't missed the looks they gave each other. He suspected they had had a large part of that conversation with their eyes, not needing to say anything more aloud. The bonds that form between men in a foxhole…_

_ "What is it?"  
"I want to apply for emancipation." _

_ There are very few things that Joseph's grandsons could say that would surprise him. That was one of them. "Are you sure that's what you want to do?"_

_ "No."_

_ "We'll talk it about it later."_

_ "I don't want to talk about it. I've made up my mind."_

_ "We'll see how you feel about it after you get some sleep." Joseph was already weighing the pros and cons of this plan of action in his head. He wondered how Bill would react if he heard this. Zak was looking at them both with his eyes narrowed. _

_ "I'm going to feel the same when I wake up," Lee said with his eyes half-closed. Did he always have to act like a grumpy old man that was set in his ways? Joseph couldn't help but smile ever so slightly at him. "Would you help me?"_

_ "I will always be here to help you."_

It was good to be back. Despite the stand-off that was taking place before them between Roslin and acting-commander Tigh, Zak felt like he was at home again. He had been hoping his father would be around, but there was apparently a problem in the arms depot and he was not available. There was still the thought of seeing if Alyssa was around anywhere to occupy his mind, though. He was almost worried something might have happened to her. Zak made eye contact with Lee as the debate went on. He didn't look nearly as comfortable as Zak felt to be back on the Battlestar. Out of the frying pan and into the fire for Lee it seemed.

"We are in the middle of repairing and re-arming this ship. We can't afford to lose a single man off the line to start caring for refugees."

Roslin looked disbelieving. "We have fifty thousand people out there. Some of them are hurt. Our priority has to be caring for refugees!"

"My priority is preparing this ship for combat. In case you haven't heard, there's a war going on."

"Colonel," Roslin said, going into full teacher-mode. "The war is over. And we lost."

"We'll see about that."

"Oh, yes, we will. In the meantime, however, as president of the Colonies, I'm giving you a direct order to-"

"You don't give direct orders!"

"-provide men and equipment…"

"Hold on, Colonel," Lee interrupted their argument just as voices were beginning to rise. Zak was mildly surprised. Just a moment ago the captain looked like he would puke his guts out all over the conference room if he opened his mouth. "At least give us a few disaster pods."

"_Us_?" Tigh hissed. Zak tended to agree with the remark. He felt no camaraderie with the ships they had collected out there. They got them to safety and now he didn't want anything more to do with them. They could take care of themselves for now. Zak was not a very warm person sometimes.

"We have fifty thousand people out there, _fifty_ thousand. Some of them are sick, some are wounded. Two disaster pods, Colonel. You can do that."

Tigh regarded Lee with stone cold eyes, which were his usual eyes. Zak almost stepped away from his brother when the colonel leveled him with the same look. "Because you're the old man's son and he's going to be so damn happy you're alive: okay. Two pods. But no personnel. You get them yourselves and you distribute them yourselves. And you are all off this ship before we jump back." He stormed around the table and stood in front of Zak and Lee. The ridiculous urge to start laughing came over Zak. He bit it back as best he could. To Lee: "You report to the flight deck, you're senior pilot now, Captain."

Zak raised his eyebrows at the promotion. He was expecting Tigh to deck him for being disorderly. Before Lee could say so much as a 'yes, sir', the colonel had turned to Zak and said, "You're being promoted to lieutenant. We lost too many people in the fire and we need more engineers."

If possible, his eyebrows crawled further up his forehead. "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

They both saluted the acting-commander before he departed. He returned it with a little venom. With a final look to the president, the brothers departed also.

After they'd been walking for a bit, Zak said, "Hey, CAG."

Lee made a face. "I wasn't expecting that."

"Congratulations anyway."

"Thanks."

"You don't look very pleased."

"What do I look like?" He seemed to be very worried about how Zak would respond. Like this answer really mattered to him. The intensity was disarming.

"Like you couldn't care less, but now you just look anxious. Is something wrong?"

"Only the obvious. I should get to the flight deck."

"Right. I'll see you later," he said as the other retreated.

His footsteps weren't the only echoes that followed Lee down the corridor. Zak watched with interest as the crew carried various weapons on board. They reminded him of his research that had more than likely been destroyed during the strike. It struck him just then that his mother had been down there, too. Tim and Mel were probably watching a bad movie together in their socks when it had started. Or at least Zak hoped that they'd been together when it happened. He could practically see it. This was interrupted by something poking him in the middle of the back. Automatically spinning around, he saw Alyssa standing there with a bruise and an amused look on her face. He lifted her off her feet in a hug and theatrically kissed her cheek, she offered little resistance.

"Good to see you, too," she said to his shoulder.

Zak laughed and put her back down. Alyssa stood on her toes in those ridiculous shoes she danced in. It only served to make him laugh more. "Why are you wearing those?"

"Why do I ever wear them?"  
"Fair enough. What happened there?" He lightly touched the bruise.

"I was dancing."

"On your face?"

"Not intentionally, but that's how it ended up."

"I'm not going to question it because I've seen you do stranger things."

Alyssa nodded. "That's probably for the best."

"You should probably put a shirt on."

"Yeah, well, what can you do? It's not like they haven't seen a bra before." She shrugged there in her own, no shame.

"This is a Battlestar and most people walk around in their uniform. Go get yours and let's report to engineering. Might as well make ourselves useful."

It never occurred to him that he should try to find his girlfriend first. No, it was Lee that found Kara attempting to repair a Viper in the hangar. He just stood and watched her tinker with the sensitive innards of the bird for a while. Finally, he said, "Hey."

Kara stopped moving and glanced at the source of the voice from under the hull of the plane. She felt certain that her eyes were playing tricks on her. Here she had thought she was totally in control of herself and coasting along on autopilot. Had she gone insane and created a ghost that was everything she'd been trying to forget about? _No_ she told herself. If she was insane the hallucination would have had something better to say besides 'hey.' Sliding out from under the Viper, she accepted his hand to help her up. His hand felt solid. A hallucination couldn't possibly feel so real. Further evidence a miracle had happened. She just looked at him, tipy-toes to dark hair. She sighed.

"I thought you were dead."

"Well I thought you were in hack."

Gods, it was nice to be among friends again. Kara felt stupid for having lost it earlier. Now it all felt overdramatic and embarrassing. If he was still here, then Zak must be dwelling somewhere aboard, too. The sweetest relief filled both of them.

"It's good to be wrong," she said.

"Well, you should be used to it by now."

"Everyone has a skill." It was a phrase that had become popular among the three of them when it was safe to poke fun at Zak's atrocious flying.

The smile slipped from Lee's face and it became suddenly passive. He took a half-step away from her. "So how go the repairs?"

"On track. Another hour and she'll be ready to launch." She watched him watch the repairs. "So you must be the new CAG now."

"That's what they tell me."

She crossed her arms and attempted to bring them back into familiar territory. What was between them was beginning to feel dangerous and uncomfortable. "That's good. It's the last thing I want. I'm not a big enough dipstick for the job." Her attempts were not fruitless, as he responded to her barb as expected.

"I'll be in the squadron ready room."

Her smile followed him as walked away. A thought just occurred to her and she called him back. Having his attention, she asked, "Does your father know you're still breathing?"

Lee made a callous sound. "I'll let him know."

A huge smile fought for a position on her face. The world may be over, but she still had something left. Two somethings to be precise, even if she hadn't seen the other one yet. Kara returned to her repairs with a significantly brighter demeanor.

_Zak watched the smoke from the cigar float away on the night wind. Up on the roof, he was lying beside Alyssa on their backs as they watched ships fly overhead. They'd escaped out here to give Tim some alone time so that his budding relationship with Alyssa's sister Mel might be nurtured. The third roommate had moved in not too long ago and they were really starting to bond now. Zak found her incredibly easy to talk to. _

_ "Young love," he said. Hand around the neck of a bottle, he drank to it. _

_ "You're such a romantic," she laughed, but drank from her own cup. It contained water since Alyssa abstained from alcohol. _

_ "No, everyone should have someone, you know? We should all have that one person that makes us happy and pisses us off all at the same time. I think every person deserves that. Everyone needs a partner. Don't you think?" Zak was only a little tipsy._

_ "Not really. I'm quite satisfied by myself. I think taking care of someone else would be tedious and stressful."_

_ "But you're lonely!"_

_ "Just because I'm alone that doesn't necessarily mean I'm lonely. I like being by myself. People like me aren't very widely understood. I don't _need_ anybody. I can do just fine on my own."_

_ "What do you mean 'people like you'? I'm sure everyone in the world wants to have someone."_

_ "I don't think so. Most people probably do, but not everyone. A lot of people walk around like being in love or having a partner is the most important thing in life. There are other things, you know? I feel like friends are much more important than any lover."_

_ Zak couldn't believe it. What a world she lived in. "Haven't you ever loved someone?"_

_ She bit her lip and shook her head. "Not in the way you're thinking. I mean, I love my parents and appreciate everything they do for me. I've loved my dogs for their pure goodness of heart. But I've never been infatuated with another person, no."_

_ "Frak. Do you have any idea how depressing that sounds?"_

_ "No. It sounds like me, though."_

_ "So you have absolutely no motivation to make ties with other people?"_

_ "I like having friends. I don't feel like I _need_ to have them, but I don't mind the work it takes to maintain those friendships. They seem worth it. I like you, for example. But if this friendship ever becomes more work than it's worth, know that I _am_ going to cut you loose."_

_ He still couldn't believe what he was hearing. Maybe it was the drinks. "I'm flattered. So do you have sex then, if you don't care about anyone?"_

_ She laughed. "The whole thing seems rather undignified if you ask me."_

_ The fact that she dodged the question did not escape his notice and he told her so._

_ "It's a rather personal question. Ask me again when I know you better."_

_ "Okay, then. I won't forget." He blew another smoke ring into the night. _

_ "Something's wrong with you. You've got your moody pants on," Alyssa observed. "Do you want to talk about it?"_

_ "Nope." He took another drink. Hardly two seconds ticked by before he started talking anyway. "It's just that before I dropped out of flight school, I was so certain Kara and I would be together for, like, ever. Everything seemed just so right. She was the only thing that seemed to be working. At the time, I was so so so positive that she was going to be the girl for me, we'd get married, the whole deal. We were so crazy in frakkin' love."_

_ "But?"_

_ "I don't know. I came to CE-C and something happened. We still talk and see each other as much as we can but something is different. I still love her, but it doesn't feel the same." Zak rolled his head so that he was facing her. "Has your dog ever made you feel that way?"_

_ Ignoring the joke, Alyssa replied, "The honeymoon phase is over. The two of you aren't living in a bubble together anymore. Can I ask you: does being with CE-C feel right to you? Do you think this is where you're supposed to be?"_

_ "Yes. I want to be here and everything has been working out great since I've been here. Things make sense to me here like they never did in flight school. I've never been happier with the work I'm doing. Why?"_

_ "Sounds like things got switched up on you. Before CE-C, everything was wrong except for Kara. Now everything is _right_ except for Kara."_

_ "What are you saying?"_

_ "Maybe it only felt like you loved her so much in flight school because everything else was so bad in comparison. You latched onto the only thing that wasn't bullshit for you. Now that things are better and you're where you belong, I think you're realizing that Kara really isn't the right one for you. She's not your forever girl."_

_ Zak laughed a tipsy laugh. "Forever girl? Where do you get some of these words?"_

_ "I say what I say."_

_ "I think you might be right." A touch of melancholy inflected in his voice. "I want Kara to be my forever girl."_

_ Alyssa shook her head. "No you don't. If you did, you would still feel the same way about her. The love you have for her now is platonic. You don't want to let her go because you feel like you owe her something for being so good to you in flight school. You love her but you're not _in_ love with her anymore."_

_ With some venom, "What do you know? You've never even felt a fraction of what I feel for her."_

_ "You're right."_

_ They didn't say anything for a while. Instead, they watched the ships glide by and Zak launched puffs of smoke in the air. _

_ "I'm sorry, Aly."_

_ "Don't worry about it. I can never tell when I go too far with the things I say."_

_ "Gods, I just love her so much. Why can't things ever line up at the right time? Perfect job, perfect girl."_

_ "I'm just guessing here, but I don't think you can force love…you'll figure it out. Maybe you guys are adjusting to the new dynamic of your relationship. You know, not living down the hall from each other."_

_ Gripped with the impulse, Zak reached over and kissed Alyssa full on the lips. She did not resist nor did she reciprocate. Even her kisses were entirely without emotion. He pulled back and returned to his original position. _

_ "You're lucky I haven't eaten any onions recently. Please don't do that again." She didn't sound mad, just like she was asking someone to pass the salt. _

_ "Okay. I just want to be in love with her so much."_

_ "It'll all work out. I'm sure she's feeling the same way. One way or another it will fall into place. Whether or not she stays your lover won't change the friendship everything else was built on."_

_ A smile cracked his face. "You use the word 'lover' too much. It sounds so melodramatic."_

_ "I have much to learn."_

_ "I'm glad you moved in. It's like hindsight is living with us in our apartment." He kissed her cheek. "Is that okay?"_

_ Alyssa shrugged. "If you must. Don't expect anything in return."_

_ "Wouldn't dream of it."_

It was awfully exhausting to have psyched himself up so much to go to his father's quarters only for him to not be there Lee thought. When he'd gone in and found no one there, he had to reach for a wall for support. Zak had told him to meet him there so they could talk to the commander together. Unfortunately, neither was present. The things in Lee's head were trashing like wild horses to break the restrains he'd managed to put on them. They couldn't have a CAG going off the rails right now. The suspense of waiting around with a storm brewing in his head was not favorable. If the two of them had been here he could have sailed along just ahead of the noise. He was dead in the water until someone else showed up to distract him.

Lee let his eyes wander around the cabin. It felt distinctly lived-in and distinctly like William Adama. Some things can resist change like a bitch on the surface, he supposed. He wondered what sort of cracks there were under the surface. A framed picture on a table caught his attention. A hesitating hand picked it up to examine it further. His own young face smiled back at him beside his brother's and his mother's. After everything that had happened, he never expected to find his own face on display in father's quarters. At least not without vandalism scrawled across it. Lee's peripheral vision seemed to narrow until all he could see was the picture looking back at him.

_It's been nothing but hell since you came along_.

_Biggest mistake of my life! Both our lives! Neither of us even wanted you._

_ I could have been something, done whatever I wanted! But then there was you and it was all over for me._

Not here, Lee thought. Please, not now. Something, anything, come along and distract him before it got any louder and he couldn't ignore it. Perhaps there was a sane part of him listening, because he had a feeling someone was coming. Tearing his eyes away from the their little taunting faces, Lee's vision expanded back to normal and he was face to face with his father. Zak was nowhere to be seen. He tried to look anywhere but at the picture. Black fuzz crept up the sides of his view when he let himself look. At least when he faced his father there was only ringing and echoes. Lee couldn't afford to go into a full-blown break with reality right now, in front of his father. Bill looked at the picture he was holding and then at his face. Hopefully, he couldn't see how tenuously his son was clinging to the here-and-now. The old survival instinct told him to put the picture down while there was still time to make it to safety.

"I'm sorry," Bill said softly. He was seeing everything that was going on in that head of his.

And that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Nothing would keep the bastards in their cages now. Hurrying to put the picture down, Lee quickly said, "I, uh…gotta go." He got no more than a step and a half before Bill stopped him.

_Slap._

Anxiety kicked up at the touch and his vision wavered. It built steadily as Bill moved his hand to rest on Lee's shoulder. They were looking right at each other but the latter was quickly losing his sense of sight. Bill moved to touch his jaw in the same spot he had hit all that time ago. He just barely grazed the spot, but it was deliberate. Lee went reeling away from the touch. Blindly, he staggered away. The differences in lightness and dark being his only guide, he fled the room while the cackles of his dark passengers drowned out the sound of Bill trying to call him back.

* * *

Note:

There was a _Supernatural_ reference in there. Also, there was a baby _Dexter_ reference at the end.

So it's blatantly obvious: Kara knows Lee is lying about the frequency of his drug use because that's what she would do. I tried to do this subtly when she laid out his meds. I realize saying this is counterproductive to said subtly, but if I hadn't written this I probably wouldn't have noticed. Chronologically, the second italicized portion happened a few hours before the first. The last one between Zak and Alyssa would be a few months after the first and second.

It occurred to me that it may sound like I'm drawing Alyssa out to be a Cylon. I'm not.

Cheers,

E.R.


	5. Terra Firma

Zak and Alyssa sat around at their places down in engineering. 'Sitting around' made it sound like they weren't really doing anything of consequence, which they weren't. There was nothing to be done that either of their knowledge would be needed on. So they sat at their newly designated stations to oversee the workings of the machines and make notes about what could be improved or needed repair. Alyssa wanted desperately to play around in the engine room. But since all engines reported green, there was no reason to authorize her visit. Her request to go to the flight deck and assist with repairs was denied. The weapons had already been checked and loaded, so Zak's job was done. That left them with nothing to do but make faces at each other and have staring contests.

"Do you think there's anyone here that knows how to cut hair?" she asked.

"I think your hairstyle is pretty low on the priority chain right now."

"No, I know. I was just wondering. You know now that we're floating around out here like turds, we're going to miss a lot of simple things. The sun, for one. Our music collection must be seriously lacking. How will we find good background noise?"

"One of the ships the president found was a luxury liner. I'm sure they've got something aboard. Not that that really matters either."

"You're not thinking long-term enough."

"You're thinking about it _too much_."

"Then how's this: what about when the alcohol runs dry?"

Zak laughed. "It won't. One out of five people on _Galactica _is a pro with moonshine. Besides, we could build them a distillery. The old girl is technically decommissioned. What if we turned her into a brewery? Again, not that that issue would really trouble you."

"What about, like, toilet paper?"

"I suppose we'd make a cycle of towels or cloths that can be washed. That or we'll all just have gross underwear."

"I don't think the civilians will go for that."

"There's really nothing they can do about it. What are they going to do? Die rather than have skid marks?"

Alyssa cracked up. "Maybe. It's probably gross for the civilians, though. I'm sure the recruits can handle leftovers in their pants just fine."

"Not everyone can be as comfortable with expelled bodily wastes as you are."

"My brother peed his pants when was twelve years old once. He couldn't untie the knot in his sweatpants."

He laughed at the image that was created. "Oh, no. That has got to be the only risk someone runs when they wear sweatpants."

"I know! I frakking love sweatpants. I wish I was wearing them right now."

"I would tie knots in all of their strings so you couldn't get them off."

"Zak Adama, I would not hesitate for one second to pee in my sweatpants. Even pissed-on sweatpants are better than real pants."

"You're going to hate wearing that uniform all day, then," he said.

"Tell me about it. I hate anything that doesn't have an elastic waistband."

"I've lived with you for two years. I've noticed by now. About eighty percent of the time I saw outside of work, you were wearing sweatpants and those stupid shirts that you bought two sizes too big on purpose."

"What? You didn't like my shirts with animal puns? I thought they were clever and funny."

" 'Frog-et about it' isn't funny, Lys."

"Sure it is. It had the frog in the tuxedo on it. That was some high-class comedy. If you didn't like that one, you have to admit that you liked the one that said 'don't play koi with me.' That one was funny."

"They were stupid. Where does a person even find shirts that say stuff like that?"

Alyssa made a _psssh_ sound and waved a dismissive hand at him. "If you have to ask, you'll never know. Gods, I wish I still had those. I should have gotten you the one that said 'you've cat to be kitten me right meow.' It's very you."

Zak shook his head. "They're all juvenile. It was so weird to see you in those bags when all the rest of the time you wore those dance outfits or a dress. You don't have any grey area between fancy and lazy."

"No, you see, here, dresses aren't fancy at all. It's really me being lazier than when I wear sweatpants, because with a dress I don't have to wear _any_ pants. The only reason they're not as good as sweatpants is the higher chance of chafing."

"Well, then…"

"Admit it, if there was something that they made for men that didn't require pants, you would wear it in an instant."

"You mean like footy pajamas?"

She burst out laughing. The other engineers looked up with equal parts annoyance and amusement. Their new colleagues evidently found Alyssa somewhat endearing. "If there is one thing I want now that the world has ended, it's to see you in some footed pajamas. The kind with the butt flap. Oh, hello."

One of their new peers had approached her with their hand offered in a showing of friendship. "Hi. You must be new."

"Yeah. Captain Windsor." She shook his hand with the humor of her pajama exchange still on her face.

"Lieutenant Simon Leary."

"Nice to meet you too, Lieutenant Leary. That's my friend who was just promoted, Lieutenant Adama. I'm very sorry for disturbing you."

Leary didn't look away from her. "It's not a big deal. There's nothing for any of us to do until that Viper reports back from the recon mission."

"Well, okay." Alyssa was wondering if it was socially acceptable to tell him to go away so she could make more jokes about butt flaps with Zak.

"Since we're going to be working together for the immediate future, I thought we should all be friends."

"Okay. We're friends, then."

"Why don't you tell me about yourself?" Zak had to exercise great control to stop himself from laughing as Leary sat on her deck monitor.

"Why don't we save it for another day? Don't want to give up all my secrets the first day." Alyssa scooted back in her seat, away from her new friend.

"Tell me your first name, at least."

"I said it was Captain," she joked.

Leary leaned closer to her. "_You said_ we were friends."

A tiny urge made Zak feel suddenly protective of Alyssa. For a moment he almost wanted to bodily remove Simon Leary from her presence. He was spared from doing anything rash when the ship's intercommunication's system buzzed. Alyssa pounced on it.

"Engineering." She made a pseudo-apologetic face at Leary and mouthed that the call was important. He slouched away with his eyes still watching her. Zak made himself relax. "Yes, sir. I hear you…Going right now….Thank you, sir." She put the receiver back and made big eyes at Zak, mouthing 'that guy!' at him.

"What's up?" he asked.

"They've made a decision. We're heading out of the threshold and we're making a jump for it. Looks like there are a few Basestars waiting out there for us. Vipers will engage the fighter squadrons while _Galactica _takes on the big ones. The fighters will watch their asses as the rest of the civilian ships jump away. Then the birds land and we run for it."

"Where are we going?"

"I don't know. Wherever the solar wind takes us, I guess."

"Sounds promising. Did Kara make it back unscathed?"

"They didn't say. I'm sure if something bad had happened they would have said something. She's probably landing by now. Have you been to see her yet?"

Zak frowned suddenly. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't seen her since they spoke while she was still in hack before the ceremony. Guilt seemed to sneak up on him. Perhaps that was the first thing he should have done when he got back on _Galactica._ At the very least, he should have seen her off before her mission.

Alyssa must have heard his thoughts, because she said, "You should go to the flight deck and meet her there. You're not doing anything sitting around here."

She was right, Zak knew. Even realizing that he should have gone to Kara right away did not make him feel very much like hurrying to her side now. It took some self-shaming, but he eventually convinced himself that it was the right thing to do.

"Alright, I'll go. Are you going to be okay here?" Zak kept an eye on the way Leary was glancing over every few seconds.

"Please, go. I can handle Lieutenant Leary."

He lowered his voice and said, "If he bothers you, just let me know."

She must have thought he was joking by the way she laughed. "Zak, when has _anything_ ever bothered me?"

"It's not impossible."

"Just go, you big doofus. Your girlfriend awaits. I've still never met her, by the way. I don't even know if she's real!"

"Looks like you've got plenty of time to meet her now" were his departing words. It was a little bit of a haul getting to the flight deck from engineering, but Zak didn't mind the walk. In fact, he may have preferred it. He was just thinking about the possibility of running into Galen on the deck when he passed the pilots' rec room. It was completely empty save for his brother standing still as stone in the center of the room. Deciding he had time, Zak veered into the room.

"What are you doing?" he asked in a loud whisper.

"Huh?" Lee was looking at him but Zak got the impression he wasn't really seeing him.

"Have you been to see Dad already?"

"Uh…yeah. We saw each other. Consulted on the plan he made."

"And what happened?"

He watched Lee look around the room with his unfocused eyes. "Nothing. Nothing happened. It was good. Why do you think something happened?"

"Well, mostly because you're standing in here like a frakking idiot and you're acting weird. Are you okay?"

"Yep, yeah. I'm just fine. Maybe I'm a little tired or something."

"I was going to go meet Kara on the flight deck." He pointed at the hatch over his shoulder.

"Kara?" he looked like he'd never heard that sound before. "Oh. Yeah. Right. No, you should. Go see her, I mean."

"Aren't you supposed to be there, too?" Zak asked the question leadingly.

"Of course. Yes. Just give me a minute. I'll be right there."

"And everything's fine?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know. Cut it out, Lee. You're acting like you're crazy."

He finally looked at Zak with clear eyes. "Oh. We don't want that."

"No kidding. Are you done being frakking weird?"

"I'm done being frakking weird."

Zak slapped him on the back. "Good. You're the CAG now. Act like it."

"Right. I have to…the pilots need to be briefed soon. See you around." Even as he said it, Lee stayed in his place. So Zak backed out of the room and went back on course for the flight deck. He found Galen directing the tow that was dragging Kara's bird into its place.

"Hello, Chief," he called.

Tyrol turned around to face his friend. "Look who it is. What are you doing down here?"

"I came to see her majesty."

They shared a brief man-hug.

"You know this whole thing's the shits, but I feel like we came out all right," the chief said. "You're here, Starbuck's okay-"

"Sharon is fine," Zak added since Tyrol would never admit he was thinking it.

"I can't believe it about Helo, though. We're going to miss him." He cleared his throat. "The old girl needs more pilots."

"I'm sure she needs a lot of things."

Tyrol laughed a little. "Isn't that the truth?"

"Chief!" The voice bounced around on the hangar. Zak and Tyrol turned toward its source in unison.

"What is it, Lieutenant?"

"You still haven't fixed my Raptor!" Sharon Valerii could be so transparent and she didn't even know it.

Zak slapped his friend on the shoulder. "Lovers' quarrel." With that, he left the two of them to put on their showing of 'We're Not Sleeping Together!' which was really getting quite old. Instead, he stood at the base of Kara's Viper as she detangled herself from the cockpit. They held back smiles when they made eye contact.

"It's about time you showed up," she said on her way down the ladder.

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder," he countered. _As if_.

Soon as her feet hit the deck, Kara bounded into his chest. They stayed like that just long enough so that nobody really noticed. Neither was big on playing kissy face in public, but hugs they both could tolerate. Once they broke apart, they left the flight deck walking close enough together so that their arms brushed against each other's.

"You've got a briefing in a little bit," Zak said.

"Great. They made a plan already? What is it?"

"I'll let the CAG fill you in on that one. I'm not really supposed to have heard yet, strictly speaking."

"Oh, but the suspense is killing me."

"A few more minutes can't hurt."

"Fine. Where are they hiding you, anyway?"

"I reported to engineering, but I haven't actually been assigned anywhere yet. I guess once we get out of here, the personnel are going to be realigned. We'll see how things end up. Maybe you'll end up CAG."

Kara scoffed. "Lee's CAG, you idiot."

"For now."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, I just saw him a few minutes ago and he was acting weird. Not the sort of person I'd want in charge of the people who are supposed to keep this fleet safe."

"Weird, how?" Kara asked, stopping their progression down the corridor. Zak was taken off guard. He had been mostly joking but she had made it feel serious all of the sudden.

"Kara, I was only kidding around."

"Well, something must have struck you as off or you wouldn't have said that he shouldn't be CAG."

"It's nothing. He was just standing around in the rec room staring at the wall. I'm sure he was just tired."

"Frak," she said under her breath. Kara began to pace back and forth muttering things like 'totally forgot' and 'this is just great' to herself. "Where is he now?"

"I told you he has to give the briefing soon. It was just a joke. Why are you getting all worked up?"

She stopped pacing and threw her arms up. "Zak, are you an idiot?"

"_What?_"

"I asked if you are an idiot." The pacing resumed. "Really, are you being this dense on purpose?"

"I sincerely have no clue what you're going on about."

"Oh, come on, Zak, open your eyes! It's been there the whole time."

"_What's_ been there the whole time?"

"Are you frakking kidding me?" Her crazy eyes came out. "Do you know him at all? Have you ever met your own brother before in your entire life?"

"Of course I have. I have no idea what's going on here. Why are you so mad?"

Her hands ran through her hair angrily. "I'm mad because every one of you is so stupid! Do you even care?"

"It's hard to say since I don't know what you're talking about."

"What the frak am I supposed to do now?" she seemed to be saying to herself. Back and forth, back and forth. "What do I do? Gods damn world ends and now THIS! It has got to be the WORST FRAKKING TIMING EVER!"

Zak stopped her pacing and yelling by putting both hands on her shoulders and forcing her to look at him. "Quit that. Now tell me why in the hell you are so upset."

Very slowly she said, "I'm upset, _Zak_, because I am worried about something very bad happening." She spun out of his grip and stalked away.

Zak blinked. "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT JUST HAPPENED," he yelled after to her. "It was a joke…"

Did they just have their first real fight? He thought it just might have been. Most couples should have had a few squabbles by now. Zak couldn't help but think that it was a bad sign that they'd never had a conversation like that before. Normally, they had just gone along with what the other had to say. Zak and Kara were more about having a good time than being serious after he had dropped out of flight school. Perhaps that was what it felt like having your off-and-on relationship go from 'on' to 'off' in a second.

"Women," a voice beside him said.

Zak jumped when he noticed that a young boy was there. "And now there are children on the loose! What is going on?" He walked away while the little boy watched him go.

_ Zak was confused when he pulled the door open. They usually didn't entertain guests, at least not the kind that didn't just walk right in. When someone was home, the door was rarely locked. A risk, they knew, but the building was the safest in the area and they had good, decent neighbors. So he didn't know what to expect. The landlord? Postal service? Visitors looking for a friend's apartment? Someone's grandkids playing jokes? No, it was none of these. It was his father. _

_ "Dad." It was a statement made with blank surprise. He hadn't even known Bill was on leave. "What are you doing here?"_

_ "Hi, son. Can I come in?"_

_ "Yeah, of course!" He stepped aside to let him, closing the door after him. "I didn't know you were in town."_

_ "I guess it's sort of a surprise. It's been a little while. Figured I come see how your new job is."_

_ Zak led him to their seldom-used dining table that he had been going over designs at moments ago. "Well, I am surprised. My lab is closed today for upgrades, so I don't go for two days."_

_ "I didn't know you worked in your own lab."_

_ There was something in the way he said it that Zak didn't like. "It's not really _my_ lab. It's the WST Lab. Three other guys work there with me."_

_ "Hm." _

_ "Is there something you wanted to say? I feel like there's a reason you came here and you're avoiding it."_

_ Bill shook his head passively. "No. Nope. I just wanted to come see how this whole engineering thing is working out for you."_

_ "It's great."_

_ "Oh, well, that's good. As long as you're happy doing this…"_

_ Zak groaned internally. This visit must be about flight school. "I am. You know, Dad, if you're just here to try to make me feel bad about dropping out of flight school, you're wasting your time."_

_ "What gave you that idea?"_

_ "Mostly the way you're trying to minimize engineering. You make it sound like it's just a hobby and not a real worth-while career. Look, I know you really wanted me to be a pilot, but it just wasn't for me. I probably would have killed someone if I stayed in flight school."_

_ "That's not true."_

_ "Yes, it is. I'm sorry I couldn't follow in your footsteps and carry the Adama Viper jock flag. I'm doing something that makes sense to me and makes a difference. Nobody needs a Viper jock anyway. We're not even at war."_

_ "I understand. I'm glad you're doing something that you like."_

_ "But mostly you're just disappointed that I didn't get my wings. Please, Dad. Just admit it. We're both thinking it. We both know it's true. It'll be better if it's just out in the open."_

_ They stared at each other. Bill was defiant; Zak was resigned to the fact no matter what was said. Eventually, the elder came to the conclusion that it was better to be honest with his son. He owed him that much._

_ "I admit that my first choice for your career would have been being a Viper pilot." His son was clearly expecting more, so Bill went on. "And I was a little disheartened when I heard that you'd dropped out. At first I was upset because I knew it was something you could do and be very good at. You've wanted to do it your whole life. You're right: I was lying when I said that I wasn't a little unsettled when I heard. You have to understand that it was what we talked about all the time. I knew you wanted it so badly. I don't want you to regret dropping out because it got a little tough on you. You have to be sure that you don't want that anymore. Maybe once you calm down you'll realize that you didn't really want to quit. It would just kill me to see you in a few years all bitter that you aren't doing what you always wanted to do and decided to just take the easy way out. But I do admire what you do now, and I'm happy that you're happy."_

_ "Did you just say that I'm taking the easy way out?" Zak felt insulted but held his emotions back. No good getting shouty with someone who had mastered the art of dealing with shouty people, made a career out of dealing with shouty people. "Have you ever seen an engineer at work? It's not the _easy way out_, Dad. It's really frakking hard. There's long hours of stretching your brain to its max, until you'd rather scoop your eyes out your head with a dull blade. And then you do it all over again the next day. Engineers do this over and over every day so that you can have your frakking Battlestar and your pilots can have their Vipers. People can work for years on these projects and when the Fleet finally gets them all they do is bitch and complain and say 'make it better.' You guys really take engineers for granted. You'll kiss a Viper jock's ass, but nobody says a word to the people that worked endlessly to design that ship and make it fly and fire its weapons and have accurate navigation. But I'm fine with not being in the spotlight. I don't need my ass kissed. I just can't let you say that engineering is taking the easy way out. It's insulting and sounds awfully ungrateful."_

_ Giddiness washed over him. Zak didn't think he had ever said such a speech to his father before. Certainly, he had never said anything this long in defiance of his father's beliefs. It felt good to stand his ground and make his opinion known. It was entirely possible that was the first time he had _ever_ stood up for himself. _

_ "I see your point, son." Bill did realize how poor his choice of words had been. Of course the engineers were onboard Battlestars. He had seen them at work before. To him it always seemed like they were looking at pictures and talking to each other. No work ever really looked like it was coming out of those people. After all, how hard could it be to fix the code so that the weapon systems fired more accurately? Engines could only work so many ways. The rebuking thought to all of this was: what would happen to Bill if, during his command, the ship malfunctioned or was damaged? He certainly didn't know how to fix it. The standard protocol for that situation was to call engineering and have them do a check and have it repaired. Bill's command would probably be nonexistent without having the engineers onboard to fix things that went wrong. The deckhands and mechanics could only go so far. They needed someone who understood the ship and its workings in order to repair and often times improve the piece in question. "I misspoke. I only want you to be entirely sure that you're not doing this because flying was getting you frustrated."_

_ "I'm doing this because it's right for me and I'm finally making valuable contributions."_

_ "If you're sure, I'm sure."_

_ Seeing that this was the closest he was ever going to get to a confession from his father, Zak accepted what he said. "Okay. Thank you. Doesn't it feel less weird now?"_

_ Bill almost laughed. It did feel better with those words out in the open. Historically, it was always easy having Zak around. So if he said that they should put all of their thoughts out there, Bill had better just do it. Zak had never been difficult, never tried to make things more complicated than they had to be. Perhaps engineering _was_ the perfect place for him, with that attitude. The relaxation that spread through the room was almost palpable. One could say that it was like taking off a Band-Aid. Only with Zak, that split second of pain usually never happened. He was better than a Band-Aid when it came to conflict resolution. Perhaps he should have been a lawyer, like his grandfather. Bill shuttered at the idea. He was about to comment on his son's ability to deal with public relations, but he was interrupted by a voice echoing out of the hallway. This sound was followed briefly by the appearance of a young woman of startlingly average looks, except for her hair, which could not be called red or blonde or brown. It seemed to fall in the middle of all three, the colors blended seamlessly. Aside from her strange hair, the next thing one would notice was the absence of a shirt. Her stream of words cut off immediately upon the sight of Bill. _

_ Zak seemed unbothered by all of this. "Alyssa, this is my dad."_

_ "Oh. Hi. You're Commander Dad." She waved her hand in a way that only extraordinarily awkward people can do. "I really wish I was wearing more than a bra right now."_

_ "Dad, that's Alyssa. We work together."_

_ Bill had not passed judgment on the woman, but he suspected that he did not like her. Anyone that walked around like that so casually was a likely person to be suspicious of. It wasn't until Zak mentioned that she worked on planes that he tried to give her an unbiased look. Alas, his opinion was colored by his experiences. Clearly, if the people making their Vipers were kids like this, they were in for very bad birds, indeed. She stood around for a few more minutes, not knowing what to do and not wanting to be rude, but trying as hard as possible to be more awkward in her sweatpants and sports bra. Finally, she just turned around and went back to where she came from. _

_ "She's always so weird," Zak said as he spun around in his seat to face his father again, smile on his face. Obviously, he found the girl amusing. Bill frowned. His son noticed. "What's wrong?"_

_ He made a motion with his eyes to where the girl had gone. "Who is that? Zak, what about Kara? You can't just start sleeping with your co-workers." Bill was very confused indeed when Zak's smile grew larger and larger as he had gone on. There was a piece of the puzzle he was missing. "This isn't funny. Being unfaithful is no laughing matter."_

_ "Please, Dad. I'm not _sleeping_ with Alyssa."_

_ "You're not? Then what is she doing here walking around in her underwear in the morning?"_

_ "She does some dance thing in her spare time. That's what she wears there. She should be leaving to go there soon. Oh, and she moved in with us."_

_ "You think living with a girl that is not your girlfriend is a good idea?"_

_ "Generally, no. But with Alyssa, it's like she's not even a girl. She's just some third being that had absolutely zero interest in romantic relationships. Believe me; she doesn't walk around like that _trying_ to seduce the neighbors, though I can't say it hasn't happened on accident. All she cares about is work. Alyssa's cool."_

_ Bill was still unconvinced. He didn't like the look of that scalawag. The relationship between Zak and Kara had been one he liked, even encouraged. In light of the conversation this Alyssa had interrupted, perhaps Bill was being biased again. It was very possible that he liked Kara with his son so much since she was a pilot. Maybe his brain thought that Kara could turn Zak's mind back toward flying. This female roommate, or whatever she was, represented what Zak had chosen for himself, the choice that Bill did not fully support. Internally, he knew that he was not giving this girl a fair chance. He knew nothing about her aside from her name and that she was an aerospace engineer and danced in her free time. All admirable attributes if she was anyone else. Kara should be the one living with Zak, he thought. The two of them should be in a cozy little place together with their wings pinned to their chests, talking about new Viper models and the layouts of one model's cockpit versus another. Bill had to stop himself from thinking anymore about that. Zak had said that flying wasn't for him, and as much as it pained him, Bill had to support whatever choice he made. He didn't have to be happy about him being in engineering, but he did have to support it. One doesn't rise to the rank of commander without making mistakes and learning how to prevent that problem from ever happening again. A teeny-tiny voice reminded him that Zak could choose to do whatever he wanted because Bill already had a son who was a Viper pilot. Somewhere out there his _other_ son was walking the same path he had taken. That had to count for something. _

Quick as a wink, _Galactica_ was on her way out. The jump coordinates were dispersed to their ragtag fleet, condition one was set throughout the ship, and the birds were ready to fly. Just now the pilots were jumping in their cockpits and being loaded for launch. Kara dashed through the madness trying to reach Lee before he could close himself off in his Mark VII. A true sense of urgency had gripped her. Every fiber of her being was telling her to go faster and stop him. He had been incredibly elusive after the briefing and now Kara's time had all but run out to talk to him. Luck was with her when she finally made it to his Viper and she threw herself at his back, dragging him down off the ladder.

"Kara?" Lee just caught his balance. "What the frak?"

She didn't have time to put up with his whining. "Are you sure you belong in a cockpit right now?"

"What?"  
The shortness of time was getting her edgy. But Kara made herself stay relatively calm. Grabbing his arm, she gave him a hard look. "Are you okay to fly?"

It hardly took a second for him to understand what she meant. Lee's jaw clenched and he didn't say anything but, "Get to your Viper, Lieutenant."

Indeed, the crowd of swarming pilots and deckhands were sweeping her away from him. It was not the answer she had wanted. In fact, he may as well have confirmed her suspicions. While Kara didn't know exactly what would happen, she had an idea of what he was probably thinking. They expected some casualties in this encounter, and it seemed the CAG was in the perfect state of mind to become one of them. A fire was lit under Kara's ass and suddenly there was nothing she wanted more than to engage in combat. If she had to fly on top of him, she would make sure Lee made it back to _Galactica _if only so she could tell him what a frakhead he was being. There are few things more ferocious than a mother goose protecting her goslings, just look at how Chief Tyrol got when it came to his planes. When Kara channeled her inner goose, nothing could touch her goslings. Not even the Cylons could take away what belonged to her.

A hunger such as that she'd never known took over. It was organized, too. She sat in the cockpit and got herself ready for the launch that was just moments away. Loading in the launch tube, she was nothing but ready. Sure, there was a very real threat to her out there, but it felt like there was a much bigger force on her side. Today would not be the day that they would die. Not after all they'd done and the miracles that had taken place to get them this far. The lords of Kobol had gotten them this far and would not put them through that only to stop here.

The word came to launch the fighters. It would be redundant to say that Kara felt like her heart was flying as the airlock opened, because, of course, all of her was flying. Like a swarm of lethal bees, the squadron threaded between the Battlestar's lines of fire and engaged the enemy fighters. The Vipers were under command not to attack the Basestars. That didn't seem like a hard task to accomplish since they would have their hands more than full with the seventy-plus Cylon fighters that were dashing at them. Fantastic bursts of lights colored the blackness of space around Kara, but she hardly paid them any mind. She hunted her prey with cool efficiency. Out of risk of jinxing the firefight, she even thought she was having a little fun. The coms were chattering in her ear, but she didn't really listen. Her hawk eyes darted between the Cylon prey and the Viper she knew to be Lee's. In the smart part of her brain, she knew playing babysitter to him was compromising her own flying. However, the not-smart part of her brain didn't care if there were cracks in her armor since it wasn't going to let anything happen. As she already knew, that was not the smartest part of her.

Senses heightened as they were in combat, she was aware of the civilians beginning to jump away. A distant voice in the back of her mind thought about how great it would be to take in information at this rate all the time. With adrenaline coursing through her veins, she felt entirely confident watching her own back, Lee's, and those of the fleeing civilians. The feeling was further inflated as she pitched and rolled with grace and precision. This was the only dance for Kara. One of the downsides to the rapid inflow of information might have been the tendency for her to tune out the chatter, or lack thereof, over the coms. As CAG, Lee should have said something useless to the other pilots by now. The CAG always lets his squadron know that they're still there and they should all keep their heads on straight. That caught her attention and turned her eyes back to their fearless flight leader who had now sustained some damage. No reply came when she hailed him. _Of course not_. The Viper seemed to spin there lifelessly, an enemy missile with his name on it closing in. Cursing and irritated, Kara rolled out of her course of pursuit of an enemy ship and swooped toward her floundering gosling. If she actually was a goose, she would probably be hissing. Because forces bigger than herself were on her side, she detonated the missile before it could impact Lee's Viper. Whooping, she flew away to pick up on her prey. Ships were popping apart all around her, friendly and hostile alike. Jerking the HOTAS with both hands, Kara avoided aggressive enemy fire. She pulled out of the roll and chased after the offending fighter with all the grace of a panther on the hunt.

_Boom_ she thought as one Cylon ship burst apart one after another. _Boom, boom, boom_. All the while keeping an eye on the gosling with the broken wing. She heard the order to return to _Galactica _to jump away. Engaged in a firefight, she covered her fellow pilots as they retreated. Another familiar deep voice sounded in her comlink. Certainly, that was not the sweet tiny voice of Dee.

"What?" she shouted. Her latest adversary combusted before her eyes into a spectacular showing fire and flak. It was a short lived display out here in the cold nothing. She appreciated it nevertheless.

"Starbuck, what do you hear?" the commander asked in her ear.

She gave pause. The predator that had been in control moments before slinked away. She listened briefly as debris bounced off of her canopy. "Nothing but the rain."

"Grab your gun and bring the cat in."

"Aye aye, sir. Comin' home."

But not without what's hers. Perhaps Lee had maintained radio silence in the hope that she would forget he was there. Or just as likely: he was incapable of speaking at the moment. But Kara would certainly not forget. Fighting against the raw power of the Viper and physics, she flipped the bird around and headed straight for him. Her muscles began to protest the amount of effort it was taking to keep the bird _exactly_ on its course. If she strayed too far, she'd tear Lee's Viper apart. _Not today_ she told herself. And indeed, it was not this day that Kara seared away the CAG's wing and fuselage. Everything was just right for her to tangle together the two birds so that they were nose to nose. She opened the throttle valve, getting them out of the middle of the action as quickly as possible. They were close enough for Kara to see Lee's mouth move before his voice reached her over the coms. The agitated curses had never before sounded so sweet to her. She bounced off the retracting flight pod, but made it to the landing bay in the end. Still ensnared, they skidded on the deck behind all their fellow pilots, scraping their hulls on the deck until they slammed into the wall and finally came to rest. Powering down the bird, Kara sat back in her seat. Over her comlink, she heard Lee laughing. Then she began to laugh too.

After the jump was complete, all the Vipers were safely returned to the flight deck. A crowd formed around her bird of deckhands and pilots alike. Kara exited the cockpit and accepted their congratulations.

"That was some piece of flying out there, Lieutenant," Tyrol said.

"And you're not even mad that I gave you repairs that will last for hours?" she teased. It wasn't as glib as her usual remarks that she saved especially for her favorite chief. There were other things she needed to yell at.

"Mad? Of course I'm mad! But that was beautiful what you did out there! You're a hero, sir!"

"Thanks, Chief."

She weaved through people that were in good cheer, getting several slaps on the back and a few on the arse. Lee found her before she did him. They stared at each other for a second before he thought of something to say.

"Thanks."

"Anytime. Let's get out of here. I've been wanting to ask you something."

And so they escaped the zealous crowd. In the empty ready room they faced each other. He sat but Kara remained standing.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I think you know what I'm thinking."

"I don't think I do."

"Zak said you were acting weird before the op."

"So?"

"I asked if you were okay to fly before we went out and then you went dark on us."

"I don't know what you want me to say here, Kara."

"You would tell me if something was going on in there, right?" She lightly slapped the side of his head.

"Hypothetically."

"What does that mean?"

"It means if there was anything to tell, I would, of course, let you know."

"I still think you're lying about something. What happened when you were talking to Zak? Why would he say you were acting weird?"

Lee shrugged. Kara returned the gesture by looking at him doubtfully.

"Okay. It's possible I was thinking about something the commander said and Zak caught me off guard."

"What did he say?" For some reason she didn't think this could be any good.

"When he was telling us his plan to get out of Ragnar, he told me he wanted all of the pilots to come back."

She didn't understand. That didn't sound bad. In fact, it sounded completely standard-issue for any commander to say before an op. Shaking her head, she said, "Elaborate."

"I wasn't really comfortable around him. I'm pretty sure he could tell. The whole time we were supposed to be making up a plan I stood there like an idiot biting my tongue. And then he said that. He told me to come back."

"Well I could have told you that he wants to fix things with you."

He shook his head. "I think I'm compartmentalizing. I can be around him if it's just as the CAG."

"And as his son?"

_You're the one who quit this family so don't ever try to come back._

"Not yet."

"Well, shit. I've got to go find Zak and apologize."

Lee looked amused now. "Why?"

"Because I yelled at him."

"Again, why?"

"Because I was worried that you flew over the cuckoo's nest."

He doubled over laughing. "That poor kid."

"It's not funny!" The effect of this statement was ruined somewhat by the laughter she was holding back. "I was _concerned_ about your mental wellbeing and he was being stupid."

That served only to make him laugh harder. "I don't know what you did to make him like you so much. I wouldn't have put up with that shit for one minute."

She made a sarcastic face at him. "Yeah, well, I wouldn't want to put up with you either. Frakkin' psycho."

His laughter chased her out of the ready room.

_Zak banged on the door again. Normally, he'd be worried that someone would pop out of the shadows and stab him in the back with a pocket knife in Lee's neighborhood. His brother had told him never to come out here for his own safety, after all. It was nice to see that this was a justified excuse, but it didn't make him any less angry. Besides, in the middle of the day like this all the murderers should still be sleeping off their hangovers and reveling in the glory their latest kill. His anger was enough to overcome this fear of a bedraggled attacker, no matter how strange he must look in his funeral outfit. _

_ "Lee, open the damn door!" He said this with all of the authority that a sixteen year old kid could have. "Everyone is already pissed off and you're not helping with this!"_

_ This banging and yelling carried on for a few more minutes. Finally a door opened. Alas, it wasn't Lee's, but the person next door. The woman was sort of squat looking, with arms that would jiggle when she moved them. Her face seemed pleasant enough for the types he'd heard lived down here. Indeed, her features were distinctly that of a Tauran native. _

_ "You stop that. My babies no sleep," she said with a thick accent. Pointing at Lee's door, "He no here."_

_ Zak was surprised to hear both that children were allowed to live here and that his brother wasn't in his apartment. Doubting that she knew the answer to the next logical question, he asked it anyway, "Well, where is he?" _

_ "No know. Flashing lights came. I no watch when flashing lights here."_

_ He was puzzled. "Flashing lights? Like, police?"_

_ "No, uh…" She seemed to be searching for a way to explain it with the words she was confident saying. "One for sick…that carry doctor. What do you call?"_

_ "An ambulance?" Zak felt like he was playing a high-stakes game of twenty questions. Trying not to be too annoyed, he had to remind himself that she was doing him a service._

_ The woman nodded enthusiastically when he had offered the word. "Yes. Ah-moo-lance. They take him."_

_ "Where?"_

_ "To doctor."_

_ Obviously. He fought the urge to roll his eyes at her. "Yes, but which one? There are about twelve hospitals in this city. You didn't see anything? Did you hear anything from inside his apartment?"_

_ "No, no." When she shook her head her whole body seemed to go with it. "He make no sound. Very quiet last days. Then ah-moo-lance come."_

_ It appeared he was at a loss at what to do now. He certainly wasn't going to go looking through all of the hospitals manually. That would take days. By the time he got to the right one, it was all but a certainty that Lee would be long gone. Zak supposed he could keep coming back to check on the place and see if Lee had come back. The prospect of coming back here regularly did not appeal to him in the slightest. _

_ "Well, thank you, anyway. I'm sorry about keeping your…babies up."_

_ The woman went back inside and Zak headed out of the area before she came back outside and chased him with a sword or something. He wouldn't put it past this neighborhood. As it turned out, Zak needn't have waited long. The very next day he went down to bang on the door. It was answered after only a few knocks. Lee stood before him with bloodshot eyes. It had been a while since they had last seen each other, but Zak couldn't remember his brother looking so very close to gaunt. _

_ "What?" was what he said when he answered the door. He didn't even look at who it was._

_ "You look awful and where the hell have you been, that's what."_

_ That made Lee actually look at him. Alarm colored his face. "What are you doing here?" _

_ "I came looking for you."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because you pissed on our grandfather's funeral and then the lady next door told me an ambulance was called to your apartment. Needless to say, I'd like to know what the frak is going on with you."_

_ Alarm faded into annoyance. He stepped back from the threshold and put an arm out to usher Zak inside. The interior may have been dumpier than the exterior, despite the total lack of, well, the lack of _everything_. It was very like Lee to not have a single pile of clutter where someone could see it. However, it was very unlike him to not have the essentials most human beings need. Food, for instance. The place looked like it should reek something strong. But the total lack of anything inside seemed to have had an airing-out affect. There wasn't even a trash can. _

_ "So why are you here?" Lee stood next to the door with his arms crossed over his chest. _

_ "To see you. Why didn't you come to the funeral? Everyone was pretty upset that you bailed."_

_ "Sorry. I just don't think I belonged there."_

_ Just like that an abyss opened between them. Zak had never experienced the great distancing trick of his brother's until after he'd been emancipated. It was like moving out meant that they couldn't be brothers anymore. At least, that's how it felt when Lee would put that big block of ice between them. _

_ "That's stupid. He's our grandfather. You should have been there. If not for him, then for yourself. Closure and all that."_

_ "I think I'm closed. It's just a stupid gesture. It doesn't mean anything."_

_ Zak frowned. Their family had roots on Tauron and a lot of the typical traits of the planet still lingered in the family despite their current residence on Caprica. Family ties were one of those traits. The sense of family among a lot of people on Tauron was unusually higher than that of the other Colonies. A lot of their extended family came directly from there to pay their last respects to Grandfather. It was one of the greatest insults one could make to not attend a family member's funeral. Or any life event for that matter. Lee had figuratively slapped his entire extended family in the face and then spat on them by not attending. As if pissing off his immediately family wasn't enough. In short, the funeral did mean something. It was more than a stupid gesture. No matter the personal feelings, Tauron families came together after tragedy. It was just what they did. Zak wouldn't be surprised if some of those relations never spoke Lee's name aloud again. But luckly for Lee, Zak considered himself Caprican, and was not nearly as offended by his absence as some of the rest of the family. No, he was just angry._

_ "You still should have come. Dad really wanted to talk to you. I think he wanted to try to patch things up. When you never showed up, it made him angrier than I've ever seen him. I think he took it personally."_

_ Lee rolled his bloodshot eyes. "He was supposed to."_

_ "Come on, how long are you going to leave me stuck in the middle of this?"_

_ "You're not in the middle of anything. It's just between the two of us."_

_ "It's not between just the two of you if you refused to go to Grandfather's funeral just because there was a possibility that you might run into Dad. When you piss him off like that, he gets ranty and the only person he can let his rants out on is me. Every time I see him, he gets on a longwinded tirade about you and I'm the one that has to get yelled at for things that _you_ did. So don't say I'm not the middle of anything."_

_ "It's not my fault that he has misplaced anger."_

_ "It sort of is since you won't talk to him. If you did, he wouldn't have all this rage pent up."_

_ "He doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. That much he's made clear."_

_ "How do you know he hasn't changed his mind since then?"_

_ "Because I haven't." After a short staring contest, he said, "I'll be right back."_

_ Zak watched him go down the hall and heard a door close. Heaving a sigh, he walked around the small space. There was a roughly cut thin piece of plastic lying on the floor in the kitchen. It was the only visible sign that somebody lived here. Most likely, it was there because there wasn't even the aforementioned trash can inside. He bent down to pick it up. It was the remains of a hospital wristband that had been savaged as the wearer had tried to get it off. On it was Lee's name and birthdate alongside what was presumably the name of the attending physician. So the ambulance part was true at least. As if on cue, Zak heard the faint sounds of his brother retching in the other room._

_ When Lee reentered the room, Zak said, "You know if you were too sick to come to the funeral, you could have just said so." He held up the wristband by way explanation to his remark. "I heard you in there."_

_ "So I wasn't feeling well. You're right."_

_ "Are you going to tell me why you were admitted?"_

_ Lee looked at his brother as if he was measuring something in him. He wanted to tell Zak why, but the words wouldn't form. How hard was it to just tell him the truth? If anyone deserved to know and would understand, it was Zak. Perhaps he was just worried how he would react when Lee told him he had gone bat-shit crazy for two days and almost killed himself. He was worried Zak might think less of him. There was no dignified way that Lee could think of to say that he had been worried that he was becoming suicidal and had called emergency services for help. But telling Zak that, of course, would make him have to explain about the echoes and the cleverly hidden pills. Frankly, Lee just wasn't up for explaining all of that. Just thinking about having to do it made him tired all over again. These days he was always tired. Sleeping was off the table since the moment he let himself lay down, the echoes would start bouncing off the walls of his brain, sometimes three at a time. And they were _so loud_ too! His head would pound in his skull from the pressure. In fact, there was a rising voice in there right now, pushing on his brain. _

_ After a long pause, Lee went with the easy answer, which is to say, he didn't give an answer at all. "It wasn't a big deal. I'm not still there obviously. Can we talk about this tomorrow? I don't really feel up to fighting with you right now."_

_ Zak seemed to think about what he had just said for a while. He became very cerebral sometimes. All that thinking would get him into trouble one day. "We never fight, Lee. You can go back to sleeping or whatever you were doing before now. Do you need any help? I can stay if you want."_

_ "No. I don't want you hanging around down here. I'll be fine until to tomorrow. We can talk then and I can give you some real answers. I promise."_

_ The younger didn't want to agree, but he saw how chewed up his older brother was and didn't think it was wise to push him anymore for today. So he took his leave, with the promise to come back the next day. However, when he got there the following day, Zak had to bang on the door for a long time. Again, it was the squat, jiggle-prone woman next door that came outside. _

_ "He gone," she said. _

_ Zak bit his lip. He had known that leaving before wasn't a good idea. "The flashing lights again?"_

_ "No. He gone by his self. He move out."_

_ "What? You mean he doesn't live here anymore?"_

_ "No. He no live here now. He ask me to tell you that he sorry."_

_ "Well, where did he go?"_

_ "No know. Say he let you know where is when he get there. That's it." She spun on her heel in a way that was much too graceful for her saggy appearance and closed the door. Zak walked away in stunned silence. _

_ Of course, Lee never did let him know where he was. Not directly anyway. It would be two and half years before that bit of information reached him. He had joined the service and earned his wings. He was a pilot in the Colonial Fleet. At the very same time that he heard about Lee, Zak had been just beginning the enlisting process. There was an undercurrent of resentment to the happiness of finally hearing where Lee had been this whole time. Of course he was a pilot. It should have been obvious from day one that that was how things were going to end up. He would have been a natural. Hadn't he proven on several occasions now that he had a knack for taking off and flying away from everyone and everything he knew on nothing more than a wing and a prayer?_

A relative calm had settled over the crew of _Galactica_. They allegedly had a destination and a solid leader. Earth was to be their home and Commander Adama was going to take them there, where they'd live in sanctuary from the brutal Cylons. In the meantime, there was still work to be done. So the calm that had been generated was somewhat counterproductive. In an attempt to get things rolling, several crew members had been summoned to the ready room to hear their new assignments, to be given out by the colonel. Zak and Alyssa stood apart from the rest of them. He did this mostly for her benefit. There was pretty much a zero percent chance that Alyssa would have talked to anyone else. In fact, she probably would have stood there with that blank owl-like look on her face that so often came out when she was dealing with the rest of humanity. Feeling generous, he stood by her side so that she might not feel so lonely.

Alyssa, of course, didn't feel lonely. There were very few times in her life that she ever actually _felt_ anything. Sure, inside her brain was telling her that this was the sort of situation that might make people feel alone. She knew that, but she never actually felt it. Just like with her research, everything Alyssa knew about human emotion was all 'in theory.' Most of the time, it was best for her if she just faked it. Even when she was with Zak, she knew a normal person would feel happy to be around their friends. It had led to several nights of wondering why she _knew_ that she should be glad to be around him but never _actually felt_ it. In some ways, she'd come to think of herself as the 'diet soda' of humans. Some people liked it, even preferred it to regular stuff. Whether they liked it that way or not, she was a fake; an imitation of the real thing with a key ingredient missing, replaced by something synthetic. And for the most part, she was okay with it. It usually worked to her advantage in the lab. Down side was that there no longer was a lab for her to let it flourish in. Aboard the close quarters of a Battlestar they were bound to notice she was a weirdo. Any conversation she had with someone was bound to be overtaken by the sheer power of her awkwardness. At best the only feeling she possessed was a sense of humor, but even that most normal people didn't find all that appealing. It was the perfect amount of stimulation she needed to begin to feel stressed already.

As the colonel went through the names of people that were being reassigned she chewed on her nails. As groups were given their new orders, they were dismissed. Looks like there were more deckhands and people to work engine maintenance. At last there were just three of them left: Zak and Alyssa, and a nervous looking ensign.

"Captain Windsor?" Colonel Tigh read from his list.

Alyssa raised her hand half way and waved awkwardly. She pulled the other hand away from her mouth and said, "I'm here, sir.

Tigh gave her a look. Of course she was here, she'd gotten the order, hadn't she? "The old man wants you to report to Chief Tyrol on the flight deck. You're going to do surveys of the Raptors and Vipers. We don't have a lot of replacement parts, so you're going to find a way that we can keep those frakking birds running as long as possible. Build new parts out of the old ones. That or you can figure out how we can modify their engines so that they'll fly without the missing parts. I don't care; just make sure the birds will fly."

"Yes, sir. The flight deck," she said. What a job to secure! It essentially would let her continue to research and test out her designs on actual Vipers. It was as if they had known what she was working on before the assignment to go to the decommissioning ceremony had come down.

"Ensign Campini," Tigh said, moving on. "We're moving you up to Lieutenant and putting you in with the FTL team. Keep it working, keep your eyes open to make it better. Your days with the sub-lights are over."

The newly christened Lt. Campini looked absolutely delighted. A little voice in her head stopped Alyssa from asking the new lieutenant if he wanted a high five. Tigh was already moving to Zak.

"All right, Lt. Adama. You're now our senior engineer for weapons systems. The commander wants you in CIC as an engineering advisor. You'll be the liaison between him and the rest of the department. Dismissed." Tigh stomped out of the room in his usual air of sourness.

"Way to go!" Alyssa said while elbowing Zak in the ribs. "You're an advisor! Can you believe it?"

"No, I can't." Indeed, he looked stunned. "That's a job for a major, or a captain, at least. Definitely not a lieutenant. And I've never worked on a Battlestar! You don't put a research engineer in charge of combat advising." He looked at her with fearful eyes. "If anyone, it should be you."

"What? Are you kidding? What do I know about weapons?"

"At least as much as me. We worked together on that very first project, remember? You know everything about the weapons allowed aboard Raptors and how much the Vipers can carry. And they assign you to the flight deck? Don't you see they're insulting you, Alyssa? They're essentially demoting you to a deckhand and putting a lower-ranking officer in CIC instead of you."

She shrugged. "I don't mind being on the flight deck. I'm still working on what I'm best at. Why don't you want to be in CIC?"

"What makes you think I don't?"

"Because you look very stunned that they chose you and you're trying to find ways to make it look like I belong there instead. Is it because you think you don't deserve it or you think you'll frak everything up?"

"I _don't_ deserve it! By rank alone, I don't. I clearly don't have the experience—"

"Zak, no one has the experience. No one has been to war before. You'll be fine. You were the only one of us back home that had any luck talking to the regular human world. If it makes you feel any better, I'm sure the promotions will start rolling pretty fast for you. They'll catch up to your position in no time."

He didn't feel so overwhelmed now, but still wasn't really ready to take on all of the responsibility that the position would entail. "I still think they're insulting you."

She just shrugged again. "It's not like they can hurt my _feelings_."

A puff of laughter went through him. "I guess that's true."

"You could always go see your father and talk to him about it. Isn't it okay to refuse promotions?"

"You can defer promotions, but that's not what this is. This is a realignment and reassignment. Refusing an assignment is a punishable offence. Besides…" He looked at her sheepishly, unsure if he really wanted to admit it to her. Like always, he ended up telling her just what he felt. "I kind of want to be in there. I'm just worried I'll be shit at it."

"You will be. At first. You always catch up and pass the rest of us after your learning curve, though."

"I feel like I should just trust you, since you're almost always right. I mean, I want to do this. All this other self-doubt will go away after I get my feet wet, right?"

She smiled, perhaps to make him feel more at ease, although that wasn't the effect it had. "Yeah. Frog-et about it."

* * *

Note:

Exposition, exposition, exposition. Sorry. This was set-up piece if there ever was one. There may be a stall in my updates in these next few weeks, but I'll be trying my hardest to stay on track.

'Frog-et about it' is a reference to _New Girl_. My actual brother did pee his pants because he couldn't untie his sweatpants. He is fond of telling that story and it gets funnier every time I hear it.

It's possible that I may up the rating soon. I'm not sure how sensitive of an audience I have, and I just want to make sure everyone is aware of the mature topics I will be addressing shortly. I don't want to offend anyone. Or I don't want to offend anyone without warning them first, at least. Don't anticipate anything too awful. My thought process is that if this were a movie, I would have to change the rating to R. Please stick with me if that won't bother you!

A big sweaty thank you goes out to all of you for spending your time reading my nonsense. Know that I read, think about, and appreciate everything y'all say in response.

Cheers,

E.R.


	6. Wyczerpanie

When the body lacks adequate sleep, that's when accidents happen. The body is just a machine, in manner of speaking. A highly inefficient machine at time. Other times it is simply amazing. It can recognize corrupt data in new cells and destroy the offending pieces before they grow into disease. The body makes itself pass out when it can't get blood to the head, so that way it's lying horizontally and the heart doesn't have to work so hard to pump blood up into your brain against gravity. Not all machines are made to last. Humans cannot run indefinitely. They can only go so long without powering down before things start to slip through the cracks. These were the things Zak thought about as he bummed around CIC trying to break in his new assignment as an engineering advisor. After so many jumps done in the same order, his advice was pretty worthless by now. Every time the Cylons show up, they'd run through the same process over and over again. He felt grim satisfaction when his prediction was confirmed and the first person broke down from exhaustion and the pressure of staying on their toes. She had been a pilot, the poor overworked sons (and daughters) of bitches. There would be more.

They had all been awake too long. A few days by now. Zak's bones felts like they'd been unhinged from each other. They felt like uncontrollable bags of dead weight hanging there uselessly. An exhausted heaviness settled over everyone in CIC. It had happened days ago, but the feeling had only grown more potent since. It goes without saying that he felt tired, by beyond that Zak felt keenly alert beneath the fog. The same clarity he'd had when they first heard of the attacks came back to him when the Cylons had begun to pursue them. That brilliant clarity was somewhat impeded by his exhaustion, however. The cogs in his brain turned slowly, but his mental cognitive processes were as accurate as ever. He began to wonder if the other crew members were suffering from micro-sleeps. Those happened when the body is sleep deprived and falls asleep for as little as a fraction of a second to a half minute, usually without the person ever realizing they'd happened. Zak thought that this could be a problem for them if the pilots started having micro-sleeps. Perhaps he should tell someone. Part of the reason he held back was the possibility that the higher-ups already knew about micro-sleeps and were accommodating for them with the pilots, and they would get snappy at him if he wasted their time with something like that.

There were no replacements, of course. The personnel they had were all they were going to get. That meant that most people had been at their posts, awake, the entire time. Zak had only just reported to his new assignment when the Cylons first showed up. It didn't take him long to realize they were following them in a distinct pattern. Since the _Galactica_ was first aware that the Cylons would show up every thirty-three minutes, Zak had been trying to figure out how they kept on finding them. Some ideas would come to him, but without Alyssa (who would be ideal for theorizing anything that had to do with spacecraft) to bounce ideas off of, the explanations continued to decrease in quality with every hour barren of sleep. In a fit of desperation on the third day, he'd asked the commander to let him have a brainstorming session with Alyssa, see if the two of them couldn't figure out how to stop the Cylons from tracking them. He was sure a plausible answer could be found if both of them put their minds to it. But the commander said he wasn't interested in having theories about what _might_ be happening, he wanted answers for what _is_ happening. Besides, Bill had told him, Captain Windsor had been sent off-ship to aid others in the fleet that were having problems with their FTL drives. Zak was sent back to his position at the engineering com deck. It was true enough that several ships could not handle the constant jumping. Fuel was being swallowed up quicker than they'd anticipated because of this fleeing. Most of the ships weren't built to withstand the strain that frequent FTL jumps put on its engines. Certainly their passengers weren't made to withstand the after-effects of such frequent, sustained-interval jumps. There'd been several reports of extreme nausea among the civilian ships. Members of _Galactica_ were much more accustomed to the jumps and had quickly adjusted to the frequency, building a tolerance for the coiling and stretching.

Just because they could handle the jumps cleaner, did not make them any better off. Those civilians could do nothing to stop the Cylons, so they continued on their regular schedules of sleeping and eating and complaining of nausea. In most cases, Doc Cottle could be exported to help out the more serious cases among the fleet. His hands were quite full here on the Battlestar, at the moment. The nervously-exhausted pilot hadn't been the only one. The deckhands were lasting incredibly well, but their lifetime was getting shorter and shorter. Zak thought it was dangerous to have them tweaking Vipers with their eyes closed, but again, he was sure the commander and XO already knew this and would slap him for pointing out the obvious. There was no relief force coming. What could they do for the sleepy deckhands? Everyone was sleepy and was still carrying on, dragging their weight as best they could. At this point in time, there didn't seem to be an end in sight. One by one, or perhaps all at once, the fleet would splinter from mechanical failures or failures of the human body. It was all the same. One machine would break and soon after the whole Jenga castle would come tumbling down. Their only hope would be to face the threat or figure out how the Cylons were tracking them and disable the piece. For a third time, Zak was sure everyone knew this so he didn't tell his superiors. If they knew what to do, he was sure they would have done it by now.

No stranger to being tired, Lee haunted the flight deck. It conserved energy if he just stayed there instead of floating around the ship. The time between launches was just enough to do nothing. Pre-flight checks and loading in the tubes all needed to be done before the thirty-three minutes were up. So he slung himself back and forth from flight deck to ready room. His charges would look at him with baleful eyes during briefings that weren't really briefings at all since they were doing the same thing over and over for the foreseeable future. He supposed they only showed up because they liked the routine. Every time they convened it meant another day had gone by and surely this time, _this time_, they would not be pursued. Alas, it never was. So that left them to blink slowly at each other and sway in their seats. At least no one was complaining anymore, Lee thought. During days two and three without a break, the bitching was on high gear. It was no longer necessary. _Everyone _was in a bad mood and there was no need to say so. He didn't know about the rest of them, but Lee was resigned to the fact that he would be doing this same routine until he died or until the people that could still think straight figured out a way to ditch their pursuers once and for all. He had no idea how they were being tracked. It was impossible to track a ship after an FTL jump, as far as he knew. There really wasn't a lot of space in his head to think about the possibilities since there were far more important things that were scratching at his brain to get out of their cages. As if the echoes could sense the weakening in his defenses, they chose now to form an impressive campaign to break free of the corner he'd been able to keep them in thus far.

The longer the deprivation went on, the more he felt himself slipping into some strange feeling of suspended animation. None of the echoes were free to roam, but his brain seemed to be sending out the reverberations anyway, as if someone had dropped a stone into a well. Lee's whole body seemed to know that the voices should be playing and was going through all of the motions that it used to during those awful lapses in his memory. The only thing missing was the keystone piece: the voices. Time would turn to sludge around him, viscous and sticky. Then all at once it would slide off his senses, leaving his ears ringing, which was always the prelude to a reality break. But there was never any time for craziness. When the sludge skulked away it usually took a majority of the thirty-three minute interlude with it. Perhaps Lee was simply too tired to spend all his energy going insane. Whatever the reason, he was grateful that he hadn't flown over the cuckoo's nest just yet. Not that the possibility was eradicated; it was just being held back for the time being.

When he wasn't imaging being submerged in sludge, Lee sat on the ground with his back against the wall on the flight deck with Kara. They forced themselves to have exceedingly boring conversations with each other so that their brains might have something to focus on aside from how badly they wanted to sleep. Sipping coffee, they talked about almost everything from pyramid teams to mythical animals, even the best way to eat a cupcake. Sometimes they'd say nothing and just have thumb wars or staring contests where the loser is slapped across the face. Normally this is the sort of game that both would admit is entirely stupid. In light of current circumstances, it was actually rather conductive for keeping the two of them awake and relatively alert. Never mind that it devolved into a fierce slap fight. The two of them only made it through one round of this before they scurried off to their Vipers to launch, cheeks as red as cherries. When they returned Lee decided to was time to do the rounds and went to check on his other pilots and see how they were holding up. No one could be spared from the trembling rotation they had developed. Just one drop-out would skew their whole system and then no one would be getting the teeny tiny extended break that they had worked out. Lee figured it was his responsibility to check on them.

And so the hours dragged by with the regular interruption. The crew of the Battlestar began to wonder if sleep really was necessary for the human body. They'd made it this far, hadn't they? No matter what they told themselves, a miniscule flower of hope that _this time_ the Cylons wouldn't show up. That hope was always squandered when the clock struck its thirty-third minute past mark. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the resilient little flower started to blossom as soon as the jump was complete.

_Bill and Joseph sat around the helm of the boat discussing the kids. Bill felt silly making a big deal out this. The camping trip had been Joseph's idea, and he found himself regretting taking the advice with every rock of the boat. Just looking at his kids' faces made him realize how much of a bad idea this had been. If there was any place these two kids didn't belong, it was out in the woods. Lee and Zak were city kids through and through; suburbanites at least. They looked absolutely miserable sitting on the deck under the beating sun. It occurred to Bill that they had never been on such a small sea vessel for this long before. No doubt they were getting seasick. It was hard to ignore the wan color of their skin. A little voice in the back of his mind told him that their sick complexions might be due in part to their mother's less-than-stellar provided living conditions. No doubt, taking the kids on a camping trip was not the best way to tell them that he and Carolanne were getting a divorce. _

_ "What's your game plan here?" Joseph asked. He glanced at Bill, taking his eyes off of the island, their destination, where the campsite was waiting for them. "How are you going to tell them?"_

_ Bill shrugged and sighed simultaneously. "I was thinking one at a time."_

_ He quirked his eyebrows. "Which one gets to go first?"_

_ His eyes shifted over to where the two of them sat, Zak yipping away at his blankly staring big brother. Bill sighed again. "I think I'll get Lee over with first." _

_ Joseph nodded. "Let the little one float on high a little longer?"_

_ Bill wouldn't say that Zak was 'on high.' He was just talking a lot because he was nervous. He had noticed that his youngest son would always try to overcompensate when there was a lack of conversation. It hadn't been until a few years ago that Bill realized his youngest did this the most when Bill himself was around. Doesn't take a genius to figure out that Bill was making his own kids nervous. A little part of him was upset that he made his kids feel this way. They shouldn't be in a panic when they talk to him. Bill didn't want to be _that kind_ of dad; the kind that makes his kids tremble in fear before him. Respect was expected from them, but he never intended to make them hesitant to come to him for anything. Was he scaring them? _

_ Joseph put a hand on his son's shoulder. "They'll take it okay. They're smart kids. I wouldn't be surprised if they knew this was coming."_

_ "They're probably wondering why it didn't happen sooner." The words sounded upbeat, but he felt like a failure inside. Marriage wasn't a game, he knew, but that didn't stop him from feeling like he was losing some very important game that he had been playing simply for the sake for proving he could win. Bill hated to be beat at anything. It made him feel like a loser, an embarrassment. Would they think he was a wussy that quit on his family because it was too hard for him? How would this look?_

_ "Don't let Zak fool you, Bill," Joseph said, calm as the ocean breeze. "He'll act fine when you tell him, but he'll be mixed up inside. Be careful with him. I still see him as a baby sometimes." _

_ It irked him that his father was telling Bill how to take care of his kids. Normally, he would have snapped something back, but he realized that Joseph had honestly been spending more time with the boys, and Bill actually was grateful for that advice. He hadn't known that about Zak. As far as he knew, Zak took everything at face value and didn't let it bother him. Bill had been counting on telling him about the divorce being a reward for navigating the turbulent waters that was Lee's emotions. It was depressing indeed to hear that the other boy would put up a fight to the news. More and more this camping trip was becoming a huge regret. Perhaps they could all just turn around and try again some other time. Probably with ice cream and strangers around so that neither of them would cry nor make a scene. (Strangers made both of his boys censor themselves; that much he knew.)_

_ When the four of them were settled around their fire and the starry heavens were just becoming visible, Bill decided now was as good a time as any to get to work. Enough time had passed to make them feel like this was just a new adventure with Dad and Grandfather. Not an ounce of guilt touched him about the bomb he was going to drop on his unsuspecting victims. Seeing Joseph and Zak examining the fish they'd caught like it was a biology experiment, Bill made to find Lee. He found the boy at the end of the rickety dock they had tied the boat down on. _

_ When he reached the end, Bill stood there waiting to be noticed. After so long, he said, "Hey."_

_ "Hello, sir," Lee said without looking away from the water. _

_ "What do you think…of the camping?" he asked awkwardly._

_ Lee shrugged at the water. "It's okay."_

_ Bill figured he'd better just dive in. Quick, like a Band-Aid. So he sat heavily beside his son. "You know I didn't realize until we were on the boat out here how bad of idea this was."_

_ Lee looked at him as if he wasn't sure whether or not he was supposed to laugh. "It's not that bad, sir."_

_ "You think? When your grandfather took me when I was kid, I hated it. Couldn't understand why we were spending out time outside when humans had spent so long trying to get inside. It was all backwards to me."_

_ "I don't mind getting out of the house," he said quietly. "I sort of wished we were staying longer."_

_ Bill sighed. Didn't all of them wish they never had to go back? "You know I brought you and your brother out here for a reason." He paused until Lee looked at him expectantly, waiting to hear the rest. "Your mother and I have been together since you were born, and after eleven years, it's just not working anymore."_

_ The look on his son's face was indecipherable. Several emotions were flashing in his eyes, but they were going so fast that Bill couldn't quite tell what they were. After a few moments, Lee said, "I'm twelve. If you've been together since I was born, you've been together for twelve years. Not eleven." His eyes went back to looking at the water. _

_ That little detail seemed to have turned Lee off. Bill blinked at him. The flitting emotions had stopped and now his son just looked deeply wounded. Not only had he told him that he was divorcing his mother, but he had also showcased the lack of attentiveness he paid his kids. Lee was, of course, right. It had been twelve years since he and Carolanne had discovered there was a baby on the way and had gotten married out of obligation. Not eleven years. Twelve. _

_ "You're right. I'm sorry. I must have lost track."_

_ "It's fine," Lee said robotically. "It's not like you had my birthday to remind you. Why would you remember how long you've been married?"_

_ It wasn't until he said it that Bill realized he had, in fact, forgotten all about his birthday. He hadn't called, hadn't even sent a card. How long ago it seemed when Bill held his newborn son moments after he'd been birthed. The pink, wrinkly thing had been so warm and fragile. Pride, protectiveness, nervousness, and euphoria had spread through him as he had watched the little thing cry in its mother's arms. Looking down at that same person twelve years later, Bill wondered where all those feelings he had felt had gone. The same blue eyes were looking at him, but they were cold now, guarded. This one hadn't cried in his mother's arms for a very long time. Bill remembered friends talking about how they hadn't wanted to return to work and could spend all day just watching the baby sleep. He had never been like that. Not after the first week, anyway. When Bill returned to the service, he remembered how Carolanne would call to tell him how she couldn't handle the newborn anymore. The happy baby-makes-three bubble did not last long for her either. And now Bill looked at Lee and realized that this one hadn't stayed a fragile little crier for long. Carolanne's cold parenting resulted in independent, closed-off kids. No help from him. _

_ "So you're going to be okay with this?" Bill asked._

_ Lee made a sarcastic sound through his nose. "So you're just going to quit? Wash your hands and leave for good? Yeah, I'll be okay with that. It's not any different than what we have now. At least now we don't have to listen to her scream at you."_

_ "Lee," he said in a low voice. "That's not fair."_

_ "Not fair to whom? Because you know what's not fair? Making us stay with her, but you just get to walk out and no one bats an eye? If I just walked away one day I'd be a runaway that needs to go to a correctional center. If Mother just waltzes out of the house never to be seen again, she's an awful, selfish human being. But if you do it, it's okay because you're the father and they do it all the time! He's serving the greater good. You get your freedom with zero criticism. Yes, how unfair. How very unfair to everyone _except _you."_

_ Gritting his teeth, "I know you're upset, but I just want you to know. It was a mutual decision between me and your mother. I'll still be here for you and Zak. You just have to give me a call and I'll be right here. I know things with your mother can get…sticky, but you know where to find me if you need me."_

_ "Why can't you just say that you never wanted this family in the first place and it was all a mistake? Just say it and quit pussyfooting around. You got Mother pregnant and only married her because you didn't want to be the asshole that leaves the pregnant girl high and dry."_

_ There was a lot to that speech he took note of. He'd never heard Lee say 'asshole' with such casual intent. Bill didn't think he liked his twelve (as he'd just been reminded) year old son talking about pregnancy and 'pussyfooting'. Overall, however, the speech was not inaccurate. Not that he'd ever admit it. It was not over, it seemed, because Lee spoke again, quieter this time._

_ "You should have just left her and she could have gone and gotten the abortion she wanted. You'd both be happier and none of us would be in this mess."_

_ Perhaps because he'd just been thinking about it a moment ago, but something derivative of the protective instinct he'd felt when he first held Lee all those years ago sparked inside of Bill. Was Carolanne actually saying these things to children? No matter how much she hated kids, could she really look her son in the eye and say she wish she'd aborted him? Briefly, Bill was glad they were out here, because if they were at home he was sure he would have throttled her. _

_ "Lee," he began uncertainly. "I don't know what your mother has been saying while I'm away, but I assure you that I don't think you were just an accident. Unexpected, of course, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The idea of being a father scared me and it still does. I know I haven't been the best of fathers, but I want you to know that I never wished you were aborted. Or your brother. I'll try harder. I promise. Just because I'm not going to be married to Mother anymore, doesn't mean leaving you two. I could never divorce my kids."_

_ Lee suddenly stood up. "Me, me, me, I, I, I…Is that how all of your sentences begin? I don't care about your stupid divorce. You two shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Quit pretending you're going to be around for me and Zak. You're barely here now. It's not like you can be around for us any less when your divorce is finalized. We'll look for your check in the mail." _

_ And that was what he left Bill with before he walked like a ghost back down the dock and through their campsite. Zak leapt up from beside Joseph and went after him. The island was small, but was home to several critters one would not want to come across alone. The boys would be fine if they stayed together. Bill walked down the dock in Lee's footsteps. His feet were heavier on the wood path, causing the tiny dock to sway with the water. When he got back to the campsite, he sat beside Joseph and his fishing gear. _

_ "Didn't look like he took it well."_

_ Bill laughed sarcastically. "He's fine with the divorce part. Just got upset when I tried to tell him that I would still be here for him." His thoughts stewed in his head, churning and turning up new ideas. The bubble finally popped and he realized what he was feeling. "I'm worried about him."_

_ "Oh?" said Joseph with faint surprise. "Don't think I've ever heard you say that. Why are you worried?"_

_ "The things that he said. I wonder how Carolanne treats them when I'm not around, if she yells at them when I'm not there. When we're together, she usually seems to be ignoring them. I never realized that until now. Maybe calling things off isn't the best plan. She won't have anyone besides the kids to take her anger out on."_

_ Joseph was looking at him with a strange look on his face._

_ "Why are you looking at me like that?"_

_ He shook his head. "Now, William, I'm not trying to be rude or accuse you of anything. We both know you haven't been the most hands-on father, but…You've never made a decision where you considered the welfare of Lee and Zak before yourself. I think this might be the first time you've thought of them before doing whatever you wanted."_

_ Automatically, Bill bristled. "You have no right to criticize my parenting style. How dare you say that I don't think of my own children when I make decisions?"_

_ Off he went, defending his honor. Joseph just let him go. It had been a risk to drop that truth bomb on his son, but Joseph was growing weary of pussyfooting around Bill's lackluster track record as a father. He knew that Bill would either listen to what he said or furiously fight and refute anything Joseph said. It looked like his son was still in denial that he'd utterly and completely failed as a parent. Divorcing Carolanne would not solve anything. Staying married to her wouldn't either. It was no secret that Joseph did not think that having them get married in the first place would have made anything easier. As much as he loved his grandkids, Joseph couldn't help but think that maybe Lee would have been better off if they'd put him up for adoption. Of course, that would mean that Zak wouldn't be around at all, and Joseph just couldn't imagine his life without the young chatterbox in it. In hindsight, it didn't seem like such a bad idea if he assumed guardianship of the boys. Neither of their parents was fit to take care of them. Indeed, it didn't seem like either of them _wanted _to take care of them. Was he already a crazy old man that thought he could raise two more young kids? It was no use entertaining these thoughts, Joseph knew. Even if Carolanne and William didn't want to be parents, they were both too proud and worried about what the neighbors would think to actually let their kids go stay with someone else, someone more capable, more loving. _

_ Fortunately, Bill's long rebuke about his abilities as a father was interrupted. Unfortunately, it was because Lee had turned back up half carrying and half dragging his brother, whose ankle was pointing in the most grotesque direction. Joseph got to them first, picking up Zak in a tangle of arms and legs. Bill followed, glowering at his eldest. _

_ "What happened?" Joseph asked. _

_ "He fell," Lee said at the same time and in the same tone of voice that Zak used when he said, "I fell."_

_ While it was nice to see that they agreed on something, the answer was not very helpful. "How did you fall?"_

_ "We were fighting," Zak said as if he'd been asked what color the sky was. _

_ "I pushed him," Lee added._

_ Boys will be boys, he supposed. No need to ask what they'd been fighting about just now. Clearly, it wasn't an issue now. They seemed to have gotten over it on their way back. _

_ To Bill Joseph said, "Let's pack it in and get him to the doctor's."_

_ The other agreed. Their spotty campsite was cleaned up in no time, and they were back on the boat, headed for the skyline. While Joseph didn't feel the need to question them any further, Bill did not share this view. The whole way back he raged at Lee for pushing Zak and possibly breaking his ankle. Joseph tried to distract the youngest from both the yelling and the pain in his ankle by teaching him how to drive the boat. Zak seemed to enjoy it, but he would still flinch every time Bill flared up during his tirade. He pulled on Joseph's sleeve to get his attention. _

_ The grandfather sat beside him on the captain's bench at the helm, motor churning water quietly. "What's up?" he asked as the verbal punishment died down a little._

_ "It's my fault," he said quietly. It was uncharacteristic of Zak to talk so softly, at least to someone he knew. "He told me to leave him alone, but I kept following him. I pushed Lee first. I started it. It wasn't his fault that I fell. He was just fighting back like anyone would."_

_ "I don't think it's anyone's fault, Zak."_

_ He shook his head. "It's not fair. Dad shouldn't yell at him because I wouldn't listen. It was an accident. He didn't mean to do this. He just wanted me to stop following him. Should I tell Dad? Do you think it will stop him being so mean to Lee?"_

_ Because he loved that kid so much, Joseph couldn't lie to him. "I don't think that will make a difference, Zak."_

_ "Why not?"_

_ "Because your father has had a very stressful last few days, and I think he was looking for just about anything for him to let it all out on. Telling him that won't make him stop yelling."_

_ "But that doesn't make sense. If I tell him it wasn't Lee's fault, he'll stop yelling at him, right? Lee shouldn't be in trouble."_

_ "Zak, grownups aren't very smart sometimes. When they have very stressful days they don't act rationally." Seeing the look of mild confusion on his grandson's face, he revised, "They do things that don't make sense because it makes things feel better. Grownups will do just about anything if it makes all the stress and sadness go away. You can't stop them once they start. Let's just let your dad get it out of his system."_

_ "That's dumb. And unfair. I'm never going to be a dumb grownup like that."_

_ "I sincerely hope so."_

_ Zak kept looking over the seat to the stern where his father and brother were. The walkabout boat wasn't that big. They weren't that far away, but the night wind seemed to be distorting their words so that he couldn't hear what they were saying. In the moonlight, Zak could still see how angry his father looked. He was reminded of Mother. Spinning around to face the bow, he said, "Everyone is always yelling at Lee. Why don't they yell at me?"_

_ "Because you're just so darn charming." Zak didn't look amused at Joseph's joke. "Do you do a lot of things that should get you in trouble?"_

_ "No. Well, I don't think so."_

_ "Then why would people yell at you?"_

_ He shrugged. "I don't know. Lee doesn't do anything wrong but people still yell at him. Do people just not like him? I think he's okay."_

_ "Who else yells at him?"_

_ "Everyone." He pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. "Dad. Mother, mostly. The police once."_

_ That was news to Joseph. "The police yelled at him?"_

_ Nodding, he said, "Uh-huh. We were out at night one time and they found us and took us to their station. Then one yelled at Lee until Mother came to bring us home. And then Mother yelled at him, too. No one said anything to me."_

_ "What were you doing out at night?"_

_ Zak shrugged. "Walking. He didn't do anything I didn't do, too. How come no one said anything to me?"_

_ Again, Joseph couldn't lie to the boy. He wouldn't, of course, give him his whole opinion. "I think, Zak, that they ignore you because you're the baby of the family."_

_ "What does that have to do with anything?"_

_ "It shouldn't have anything to do with it. But like I said, grownups can be stupid. When they see two kids, it's the young one they're going to be easy on. The older one should be taking care of the younger. People just think Lee should be held accountable for your safety because he's older."_

_ "Aren't Mother and Dad supposed to do that?"_

_ "Yes. But you're in a nontraditional situation. Don't you count on your brother to help you when you need it?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "Is he the first person you ask?"_

_ "Yes. So you're saying that if I stop asking Lee to help me then everyone will stop yelling at him?"_

_ That had not, in fact, been what Joseph was getting at, but he could not dispute that deduction. He had drawn it out to lead right that to that conclusion. Now that he thought about it, Zak's view of things was not all wrong. The more he relied on his brother, the more other people would expect Lee to take care of him. In other words, if Lee was a waste case, people wouldn't expect anything from him anymore. _

_ "You know, Zak, you shouldn't think about this too much. As long as you two are doing okay, don't let it bother you."_

_ "It's hard to ignore it since I hear yelling all the time from Mother. Sometimes she yells at him because of something I did. I can't ignore that everyone ignores me."_

_ "Can you elaborate on that, please?"_

_ "Sometimes I break things or do something wrong on purpose to see if Mother will talk to me. She never does. She just goes after Lee. And now I get ignored when I was the one that started the fight."_

_ "Grandson, I wouldn't complain when you're getting away with murder."_

_ "It's not fair. I wouldn't mind being yelled at instead of ignored for a change."_

_ The exchange was interrupted by Bill joining them at the helm. He put a hand on Zak's shoulder. "How are you feeling?" It didn't sound as soothing as he'd hoped, still rough from his shout at his other son. _

_ His go-to move, Zak shrugged. "It still hurts. I'm kind of used to it now."_

_ "Well, hang tight. We'll get you sorted out soon enough." Bill stole a glance at the ankle in question. It was jutting inward and rapidly swelling. He was a little unnerved by the ease at which Zak was handling it. Wouldn't most kids be crying right now? He just sat there biting his nails. _

_ Gesturing with a hand, Joseph followed Bill around the center console to the bow of the ship. _

_ "Would you mind taking Lee home? He doesn't need to come with us."_

_ "I don't mind. Are you going to tell Zak while you're at the doctor's?"_

_ "That was the plan. It's not like things can get any worse for him tonight."_

_ "Oh, tonight's not so bad, is it?" Joseph didn't think a little ankle twinge was cause to ruin a whole night. _

_ Bill didn't seem to agree. The rest of the ride to the mainland was overwhelmingly silent. Once the boat had been docked, Bill swept up his injured son and stalked away. Joseph thought his exit was rather rude. There hadn't even been a goodbye or a narrow-eyed glare of departure for the other boy. Zak waved at them over his father's shoulder. _

_ "Well, Leland, let's get home," Joseph said as he locked away the camping supplies in the compartments on the ship. _

_ Lee kicked at the deck. "Do we have to go straight home?"_

_ "What did you have in mind?"_

_ Just like his brother, Lee shrugged and chewed his lip. "Anything. I don't really want to go home."_

_ "You know I had planned to spend the whole night with you boys. It seems a shame that we have to pack it in because of a little accident. What do you say? Want to have some fun, grandson?" The grandfather had a wily look on his face. _

_ The most microscopic of smiles cracked Lee's face. "Yes, sir."_

_ "Good boy. That's what I want to hear." He helped the youth off the boat and led him back toward the city. Joseph thought not for the first time that raising these two boys might not be so bad. Hell, he even kind of wanted to._

_ At a nearby hospital, Bill sat beside Zak as they waited in the lobby of the emergency room. The father was tapping his feet and muttering frustrated things. His son just sat there chewing his lip. Mostly, his interest was focused on the other odd types that were seeing if they could trick the staff into letting them sleep here all night. Zak was sure they were homeless. He found their antics amusing. When Bill went off to complain at someone about how long he was waiting, one of the dirtier ones came up to Zak and started telling him stories. The man was smelly and, at first, very scary looking. But his demeanor was friendly and soon enough Zak's laughter was filling the room and he wasn't just thinking about the growing pain in his ankle. The homeless man was just starting to do corny magic tricks, encouraged by Zak's positive response, when Bill finally came back. _

_ "Hey!" he yelled, making both Zak and the homeless man jump. "Get away from my kid, you dirty frakking rat!"_

_ The smiles melted off both of their faces. Zak looked at his new friend with a strange sensation of sympathy for him. He tried to apologize with a look. The man seemed to get it, because he said, "Feel better, kid." Then he got up and shuffled right out of the hospital. Zak was left with nothing but the pain in his leg to think about. _

_ Bill sat beside him looking even more put out than before he'd gotten up. "We can do way better than this place. You belong somewhere better than a place that lets riffraff like that in. Dangerous criminals this close to kids…"_

_ "He was nice," Zak said quietly. "I liked him."_

_ "Until he kidnaps you."_

_ "He was just trying to help pass time."_

_ "I don't want you talking to people like that anymore."_

_ "Fine," he muttered._

_ "What was that?"_

_ "Yes, sir."_

_ Inwardly, Bill groaned. This was not going at all how he'd wanted. By now, the camping trip wasn't looking so bad. Leave it to Lee to make a bad situation worse, he thought. Since things with Zak couldn't be getting much worse, he decided to spit the rest of it out._

_ "You know, son, the reason I arranged this whole camping trip was to tell you that your mother and I aren't going to be married anymore." He watched Zak pull at the hem of his shirt and not even look up. "Did you hear what I said?"_

_ "Yes, sir, I did."_

_ "So what do you think about that?"_

_ He shrugged. "Whatever you want."_

_ "Zak, I want to know how you feel about all of this. I want you to be okay and know that I won't stop coming around just because your mother and I are divorced."_

_ "I know. It was kind of like you guys aren't even married now, so it'll be easy to get used to. Nothing is really changing."_

_ True as that was, it still burned Bill a little to hear it out loud. He was willing to let it slide for now. Zak had ended up being a world different than Lee. The kid had just shrugged it off like he did everything. Of course he knew that there was probably more to this kid than just letting everything roll off his back. Zak's demeanor was too good to last forever. In this mood, however, Bill wasn't going to go sniffing out new problems. Let his boy start asking questions on his own time. It was difficult to ignore the fact that he wasn't talking. He was usually filling up the air with useless chatter. It is, after all, the silence people notice and not the noise. Already fed up with the day, Bill attributed it to his son's injury and refused to let himself worry about it. He'd already spent enough time getting emotional today. And for no good reason, too._

By day five, everyone was looking pretty wasted. The deckhands were missing things in repairs, pieces were being misplaced. Some were getting snappy, biting each other's heads off at the drop of a hat. Others were forgetting things, saddling up in the cockpit without all their equipment. Overwhelmingly, people were just sluggish now. The fog in their brains was so thick, they probably didn't even remember that they were tired.

Kara was among those getting snappy. She knew that she had a history of being _abrasive_, but now she knew she was being a downright bitch. After each jump, she'd inspect the Viper herself, not trusting the deckhands to keep the bird up to mark. If she found even the slightest thing out of place, she was liable to pounce on the nearest victim. Time for her went on in cycles of pure exhaustion and manic bitchiness. The note that landed on their flight deck about the stimulants didn't make it any better. Kara was in her apathetic section of the mood cycle, so she casually ignored it. It was extremely doubtful that the colonel was going to come all the way down there to enforce the note. Unfortunately, she was back to irritability by the time their fearless CAG tracked her down.

"Hey, uh…you see the note from the XO?" he asked

"Yeah, I saw it. No way." She slinked down the length of the Viper, looking it over. Cally floated after her, conducting the check she was required to make. It annoyed Kara having her there doing things wrong. She was like a fly.

"Kara, everyone else-"

"I don't fly with stims! They blunt your reflexes, your reaction time."

"Come on, Kara, give me a break. Just…"

The rubber band of patience in her snapped. "Why are we arguing about this?"

"I have no idea."

How very like the Adamas to have no idea what they're doing she thought with acid. "Neither do I. You're the CAG, act like one."

"What the hell does that mean?"

As an aside, Kara would never admit it, but she felt a longing for that title of CAG. It had been on the fringes of her mind, never an acknowledged thought, but it had always been there. As it was, she didn't mind following Lee's lead. He was, after all, a higher rank and a graduate of War College to boot. On paper, he was the obvious choice for the new CAG. But Kara would be lying if she said she didn't think she could do just as well, if not better. Titles and words weren't all a person needed to be a good leader. Kara bonded with her pilots, motivated them, lived among them. None of that changed the authority she seemed to carry over them. They listened when she spoke, took her advice. Not to mention that she was the best pilot and the best shot (in and out of the cockpit). That was a recipe for a leader of the people. Not an appointed aristocrat. Not that Lee approached anything resembling an aristocrat. No, Kara had seen that boy's day-to-day life on Caprica and dare she say that her digs were more fancy than his? But because she was tired and cranky, she figured she'd challenge his lacking leadership.

"It means that you're still acting like you're everyone's best friend. We're not friends, you're the CAG. 'Be careful out there'?" She was referencing the latest installment of his combat landing briefing. It had been wearing thin on its fifth day, and he had finally stopped trying to dress it up. "Our job isn't to be careful, it's to shoot Cylons out of the frakking sky. 'Good hunting' is what you say. And now one of your idiot pilots is acting like a child and refusing to take her pills. So she either says 'Yes, sir', and obeys a direct order or you smack her in the mouth and you drag her sorry ass down to sickbay and you make her take those pills."

There was a pause long enough for her to really think and admire her run-on sentence. The rant had relieved the stress on her rubber band patience. She felt better, but internally cringed at what she'd just said. The blank mask Lee had been fronting during her berating suddenly cracked and he laughed. Kara's face broke at the same time.

"Well, I'm glad I'm not working for you."

"You're damn right you're glad."

Her composure was highly elusive and she could not recapture it. She wasn't quite regretting what she'd said, since she did think she could act a better CAG than Lee. But she did think the delivery was all wrong and the timing could not have been worse. The outburst only made it look like she absolutely _shouldn't_ be CAG. It was really hard to gauge whether the pilots would rather follow Lee The Space Case or Kara Yells-a-lot into battle. Between the two of them you have one breathing down your neck and the other living in his head so often he hardly came out to actually take charge of the masses. Perhaps it was an issue for another day. Indeed, they would need more than thirty-three minutes and about fifteen hours of sleep before the topic was broached with any tiny amount of seriousness.

"So, do I have to smack you in the mouth, Lieutenant?"

Breathing in and shaking herself out, Kara got herself under control. "No, sir. I'll take my pills." Lee produced the long silver tube of stimulants as if by magic. "Oh. Perfect."

Dumping the contents into her palm, he said, "Carry on."

Pills in her mouth, she gave a salute and a 'yes, sir.' The smile jumped from her face as soon as Lee was two steps away. The stress in her head seemed to be rising again already. She'd just snapped not two minutes ago. It appeared that there would be another victim in a matter of seconds. Kara caught Tyrol looking at her. Surprisingly enough, he seemed to be keeping it together. Of all of the deckhands, she was sure the Mother of Machines would have worn himself out a long time ago.

"What?" she asked, feeling irate. The stims were going down roughly. Tyrol made a face and shrugged. The sensation of being put-upon filled her. Maybe being the CAG was a bad idea after all. When the pressure was on, like it was now, she couldn't even keep herself in line, lashing out at people. Lee was on top of everything, being a little too wishy-washy at times, completely lost in his head at others. Despite all of that, he hadn't lost too many pilots and none of them had been killed yet. Herding around a bunch of Viper jocks and bus drivers that haven't slept in more than five days is no easy feat. Yet here they were under the Air-headed Wonder. It made Kara confused. If they had more than a few minutes, she would have sought Zak out. He was hardly ever emotionally unstable. If anyone could get her in balance, it was him.

The man in question, however, was not available to chat about Kara's sleep deprived stress. While he was not exactly 'busy' in the normal sense of the word, after the next jump he was occupied listening to the XO chew out everyone in CIC because of Dualla's apparent mistake. The mistake, the absence of the _Olympic Carrier_, was levied on her. No one but the XO felt it was necessary to tell Dee it was her fault that she did not account for each ship and thus effectively killed over one thousand souls in one fair swoop. Not in so many words, at least. It was hard to feel the loss when your brain is filled with sand. For Zak, at least, that was how it was. Sitting on day five without sleep as they were, all his emotions had quit functioning, like all nonessential systems would during a power crisis. Only rational and instinctual processes were firing now. As that was, he did not feel too bad about the loss of the civilian ship. In a detached manner he simply noted that the loss was the first of many more pieces that were about to fall off the boat. It was the beginning of the end if they carried on like this. His fellow crewmen in CIC seemed to have shut down their feelings as well, because they moved on from the loss of the _Olympic Carrier_ right to the next job at hand. Zak was reminded of the way people will stop to watch a car accident, but seldom ask if they can help. You just watch for a few minutes and then sail on with your life, glad it wasn't you in the wreck.

So with the bad news spread and having nothing to do about it, he settled back into his routine. Mind free to wander, his thoughts fell on Kara. If he knew her, and he was confident he knew her better than almost everyone, then she would be at the end of her rope by now. No doubt, she'd be tearing heads off down there, expectations of her fellow pilots rising exponentially with every minute that ticked by without a wink of sleep. Zak knew the pilots had been ordered to take stimulants. If the circumstances were different, he was sure the situation would make him laugh. The fight Kara could put up about flying with stims had the potential to be primetime stuff. It was almost a shame that she wasn't well-rested to give the XO a piece of her mind. Never mind that the order had been originally spoken by the commander. All she would see is Tigh's name on the note and come hunting in a red fury. So he let himself think about these things as the minutes slogged by. The time between jumps always seemed so long. The thirty-three minutes never changed, but it felt longer and longer the more he was awake. Several crewmen had fallen victim to this illusion and fallen asleep at their posts. That warranted a patented Tigh-Chewing-Out. Just because it seemed longer, didn't mean they could actually fit a decent nap in between jumps.

After all of this time, Zak's body roused him when their respite was drawing to an end. The fighter squadrons were launched and everyone was on point again (or as much on point as they could be given the conditions). Colonel Tigh took his place beside the commander at the command table. It had become his ritual so far, so the XO said, "Maybe this time." Zak had ceased his sarcastic snorting about the line by now. The idea was no longer funny. Nor was it sad. It was simply noise to him now. The clocks ran out of time and Zak could practically hear Gaeta calling out 'DRADIS contact'. Alas, he did not say it. The lieutenant almost let the words fall right out of his mouth without actually looking at the screens. But he paused and watched and they all waited. Time stretched on. The Cylons had arrived every thirty-three minutes, give or take a fraction of a second, for five days. Their timing must be off. Any second now…

But it never came. As the seconds built into minutes, Zak's nerves were becoming alive again. He was not, like many of his peers, beginning to feel sweet relief and thinking 'it's finally over'. No, he was becoming more anxious. Something was wrong. The only thing that had changed since the cosmic pursuit had begun was the abandoning of a fellow ship. Was that what the Cylons wanted? Was this some sort of experiment to see what a human could turn into when they were put to extremes? Zak found himself thinking of his days in elementary school. They had learned that a wolf caught in a trap would chew its own leg off to get free. Were the Cylons trying to see if the humans would stab their brethren in the back if only to save their own? It was an interesting plan, if that was what they were doing, Zak hated to admit.

His father seemed to be thinking along the same lines as Zak. The commander did indeed look more put out and worried as time carried on. The possibility that the enemy was planning on launching a big finale-attack-spectacular was not far from either of their minds. After so long the commander called for a line to the president. The helmsmen were suddenly wide awake as they eavesdropped on their end of the conversation. More than one person looked at Dee the whole time as if she might be telepathically broadcasting the whole thing.

Zak was having a hard time focusing on his father's words since the thought of an off-beat Cylon attack was forefront in his mind. With enough effort, he did tune in enough to learn that the ship had been downgraded to condition two until the commander felt they really were safe from any more pursuits. Evidently the president was agreeable since there were no raised voices or abrasive tones coming from the brass. Zak still couldn't let himself believe it, even when Commander Adama pulled the fighter squadrons back in favor of CAP and ordered staggered breaks for the crewmen to rest. Smiles seemed to be coloring everyone's faces. He even saw his father's face peeking out from behind the stern mask he wore when he was playing the role of commander. Zak couldn't help but feel they were playing right into a trap. Losing the _Olympic Carrier_ would be enough to convince most people that the Cylons certainly wouldn't want them now. He was not suspicious of the validity of this reasoning, he knew for a fact it was not sound. They were being lulled into a sense of peace. This feeling would be the alluring cheese sitting on the spring of the mousetrap. Squirming around in his seat, Zak felt like he needed to tell someone. Surely they would understand. They had to see that this was not right. It was unlikely that what the Cylons wanted from them was as simple as a single ship.

Jumping with jitters, Zak sprang to his feet and sought his father out. The commander was being Bill as he talked with Colonel Tigh, letting the latter take the first shift for rest. He stood beside the pair as they exchanged lighthearted remarks. Tigh was no more than two steps out the door when Zak spat his words out in a rush at his father. "This isn't right. We should launch the rest of the squadron and have our firing solutions armed and ready this instant." Seeing the look on the commander's face, he added with more authority, "You put me here to advise you, and if you listen to me about one thing, let it be this one."

There was no need to offer more support, because Lieutenant Gaeta's voice carried across the CIC. "DRADIS contact! Bearing 3-4-8, carom 1-2-0. One ship. Getting recognition signal." A voice over the coms crackled as both Adamas and the colonel advanced toward the command table, where Gaeta was not far from. "It's the _Olympic Carrier_."

It was a wonder the 'bullshit!' that Zak was thinking didn't fall out of his mouth when he heard the news.

Luckily, the XO was a vet, and had something much more valuable to say. "Is that confirmed?"

"It's confirmed, sir," Dualla chimed.

In a low voice to Bill, he said, "Thank the gods."

Both lower ranking men watched the commander make an arc around the table. He contemplated the monitor with a hard look on his face. A decision was arrived at rather quickly. "Action stations. Put the fleet into condition one. I want all Vipers manned and ready, but keep them in the tubes. Lieutenant Gaeta!"

Over the bustle of the klaxons and other helmsmen jumping to their duties, Gaeta's "Sir!" was only just audible.

"Reset the clock, thirty-three minutes!"

"I hope you're wrong," Tigh said.

"So do I," Bill said. He was looking at Zak as he said it and not the colonel.

Being back in action stations felt right. He tried to look confident and assure the commander that it was in the fleet's best interest to stay vigilant until they were sure beyond the shadow of a doubt that the pursuit was ended. Bill shared his son's opinion, but he was not as willing to rouse the just-unwinding crew. Those few extra minutes had been a cruel tease. As commander, he knew it was better to prolong the attack now than to take a break and be shot in the ass.

They listened to the speaker crackle the exchange between Boomer and the pilot of the _Olympic Carrier_. Their answers to her questions were standard and unassuming. The regularity of them only served to make Zak more wary of them. For a ship that had just showed up late to the rendezvous point after escaping a bombardment by Cylons, their crew was remarkably calm and ordinary. Even the most boring man in the universe would have something exciting to say about his escape from a relentlessly persistent enemy. Somehow Zak didn't think that the ship had 'trouble with the FTL drive' at the same time that the Cylon Raiders just 'broke off'. Nobody could resist shoot that fish in a barrel, not even the Cylons.

The exchange among pilots was suddenly interrupted by the sounds of Gaius Baltar shouting, brought to them via the signal from _Colonial One_. Contact had not been cut between Commander and President since their synthetic friends showed up late to their game of tag. Although Zak thought the good doctor sounded like a mad man shouting about a Cylon agent aboard the _Olympic Carrier_ and that the only reason the ship was still here was because the Cylons wanted it to be here, he was inclined to agree. Logically, at least, it would make sense that the ship was being tracked. How, Zak wasn't sure. As far as he knew, tracks were near impossible to follow after an FTL jump. It was, however slim, possible. Only in a theory that Alyssa had been working on, but the mathematics to track a ship were there and it was possible if one had the right means.

Hearing Baltar take a breath, the doctor explained himself more fully. Zak felt like he was putting reason and explanation to everything he had been feeling apprehensive about not two minutes earlier. His idea that the _Olympic Carrier_ was capable of transmitting another virus over the radio waves was not so unbelievable. The follow-up piece about the Cylons blowing them to bits once the virus had them fumbling was not so farfetched either. The president asking Bill if he'd heard all that Doctor Baltar had said was the last the helm heard of the conversation, for the commander had the signal taken off of the speakers and conducted the rest of the conversation through his line at the command table. Zak stood beside his father, not hearing their exchange, but thinking a million miles a second.

The order came that Boomer was to cease radio contact with the offending ship. Instead, the Raptor was to transmit the message "Maintain present position. Do not, repeat: do not approach the fleet until further notice" by signal light. Not thirty second later it came across the coms that the _Olympic Carrier_ was non-responsive to their order not to advance.

"We have to chew off our leg," Zak said quietly. Only the commander heard him and turned to look at his son, part confused and part annoyed at his cryptic language. "We have to eliminate the _Olympic Carrier_. It's a trap. The Cylons don't think we'll kill our own to survive. They think we'd rather die together than kill a few so that the rest can live. We have to chew our leg off to get out of the trap. Commander, we have to neutralize the _Olympic Carrier_."

The line to the president still at his ear, Bill watched Zak with grave seriousness on his face. When he was done, Bill said into the receiver, "We should evacuate the passengers and eliminate the ship." Dee interrupted with a message from Boomer, saying that all orders were being ignored and she requested further instructions. There was time for an anguished glance at Zak before he said, "Order the fleet to execute jump two-forty. Get us between that ship and the fleet."

"Commander!" It was Gaeta this time. "DRADIS contact. Strike that, multiple DRADIS contacts. It's the Cylons," he declared. The three-piece CAP relayed to them that they would be within weapons range in two minutes.

A new ringing joined the noise and Dee translated what the blare meant. "Radiological alarm! The _Olympic Carrier_, sir. They've got nukes on board."

"Give the order," Zak said in a low voice. "It's the only way."

Commander Adama looked torn for only a moment. He was a seasoned officer and making these tough calls was his responsibility. "Madame President, we have to eliminate the _Olympic Carrier_. Immediately." There was a pause while he listened to Roslin's response. "We don't know that. The Cylons may have captured them already. Look, at this point there's no choice. It's either them or us."

That seemed to convince her. The commander turned to Dee and told her to give the order. She passed along the message to Boomer automatically. Zak felt himself relax, although there was still uneasiness in his stomach. Bill seemed to share his view. This was not a time for relief, not with the Cylons seconds away from firing on them. But the anxiety was gone from both of them. Without the deed being done yet, both of them knew that this was the only way. Where just a day ago they were still scratching their heads and wondering how the Cylons were managing to follow them across the cosmos, now it was blindingly obvious that blowing up their own ship was the only way out. Zak couldn't help but think that there may have been a better, less bloody way out of this trap that they could have thought of if only they had had enough sleep and were thinking correctly. Blowing up the _Olympic Carrier_ certainly solved the problem in the quickest way, but it surely wasn't the cleanest.

Mostly to break the silence, Zak asked, "Who's out there?" Meaning, which of them would be doing the actual slaughter?

Without looking at him, Bill said, "Apollo and Starbuck."

"Naturally."

His eyes flicked to his son for a moment. The bold chance at satire was not well received. Even though they couldn't see it, both father and son seemed to know the exact moment when fire was open and the threat was finally neutralized. Boomer reported as much and told them that they were returning to _Galactica_. Combat landings were authorized. Jump two hundred and forty would be executed once all birds were aboard and landing bays were secure. As soon as they came out of the jump, the full weight of those five days fell upon them and several helmsmen collapsed in their seats and lost their footing to severe jelly-legs.

"Lieutenant," Bill said.

"Yes, sir."

"You are relieved."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

_Twenty-four Hours Later_

Tapping lightly on the open door, Zak entered without waiting for an invitation. Inside the office he found his brother lying face down on the desktop. Lee's head jerked up as he approached.

"Hey, brother," he said.

"Hi." Lee's voice cracked a little from lack of use. He'd been hiding in the seldom used CAG's office since he landed the day before. No one seemed to notice his lack of presence around the ship since everyone was fighting over schedules for rest. His stomach gave a grumbly protest to his day-long fast. Eating hadn't sounded like a good idea lately, despite his hunger. Lee's body seemed to sense a depressive state coming on in full force.

"I just came by to see if you were still alive. Haven't heard from you since…you know…How are you handling it? I have to tell you, you're not looking in the pink. I just came from seeing Kara and she seemed a little shook up about it. You were just following orders. That's the military. You just did what you were told. Don't dwell on it. Hey, if anything, I was the one that was pushing the idea right alongside Baltar."

"Zak."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

Zak bit his lip. When he was nervous he could babble. It reminded him of old times. Mostly he'd grown out of the psycho-babble habit since his days in primary school. He felt slightly childish for having slipped up. "Right. Sorry. I just wanted to check on you. I have to head back for duty. Are you just getting off?"

Lee looked at the clock on the wall. There was still a marker on the thirty-third minute up there. "Yeah. I'm clear now. Thanks for stopping by. I'm fine. Maybe we can hook up when we've slept enough."

"I look forward to it."

"Hey, are you going to see the commander?"

"I should when I first report back. Why?"

Lee pulled a large folder and a stack of paper into a disorderly group on the desk. "Could you take these to him?"

He shrugged. "Sure thing, Captain. Lovely paperwork from the CAG."

His brother made a harried face and waved his hand. "Thank you, Lieutenant. I'll see you later, then."

Collecting the paper, Zak said, "See you."

They walked out of the office together and headed in separate directions. Soothed and partially rested, Zak felt almost back on top of his game. At the end of the day, they had had a relatively lucky go of it. All of his emotions were back up and running. Zak felt like real person again. There was nothing quite like a sweaty tumble with your girlfriend and a good sleep to make a person feel alive. There was almost a skip in his step by the time he reached his father's quarters. Arms full, he kicked at the door and, as before, entered without waiting. Bill looked up, ready to be annoyed at whomever was entering on their own authority, but the annoyance melted away, replaced by a smile.

"What have you got there?" the commander asked.

"A load of paper from the CAG." Zak dumped them on the desk before him.

"Ah. And how is he?"

"Ready for a nap, I'd say. He was just getting off." He made himself at home in one of his father's chairs.

Bill seemed unsure how to phrase his thoughts. He said after a while, "How is he handling it?"

That signature shrug. Bill was reminded of a younger version of his son doing that same move so many times. "He seemed like he had it under control. I think he may have just been tired and it hasn't hit him with full force yet."

That seemed to satisfy the commander. He nodded and began flipping through his new pile of paperwork. "Hey, you'll let me know if he starts acting funny, okay? You'll keep an eye out?"

"I guess so. But why can't you just check up on him instead?"

"We're not on that level yet."

"What makes you say that?"

He frowned when he remembered their last encounter as father and son (as opposed to commander and CAG). The way Lee had bowed out of Bill's peace-offering-hug… He relayed the story to Zak now. Much to his surprise, his youngest son laughed.

"Well he's going to have a hell of hard time avoiding you in such close quarters now. You guys will get over it. When we're all rested, I'm sure he'll meet you halfway."

Bill was doubtful. The way Lee had fled, the look of sheer, primal terror on his face when Bill had touched his cheek was very bold. It was hard to decipher the gesture in any other way besides that Lee needed distance from his father like his life depended on it.

Quite abruptly, Bill asked, "Where's Starbuck?"

"Probably down on the flight deck. Why?" Zak was curious about the sudden change in topic.

The commander tapped the paper in front of him. "She'd being promoted."

"To what?"

"To the rank of captain and the title of CAG."

Zak stared at his father, completely baffled. "But…Lee…CAG…is he?"

The paper he'd been reading was slid across the desk to Zak. "He has formally resigned from the title and responsibilities of CAG. He had even consented to a demotion in rank as befits which ever new role he is assigned."

And so that was what the paper read, signed by his brother's own hand there at the bottom. Open-mouthed, Zak looked at his father like a fish. "He can't do that, can he? I saw him two minutes ago and he was acting like nothing was going on!"

"If he thinks it's in the fleet's best interest that he steps down, I can't force him to be CAG. I'm not going to make him do anything he doesn't want to. We asked a lot of him today. I can't blame him for wanting to take a step away from those decisions."

"Sir…Dad, you can't let him do this."

"Not letting him do things is what got me in the hole I'm in today with him. I'll grant his request. Now please have Lieutenant Thrace summoned."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

Note:

I'm sorry this took longer than usual to post. I feel kind of bad for making y'all wait when this chapter isn't even that long or interesting. It's probably full of grammatical errors. My priority was posting as soon as possible and my combing for mistakes was thrown to the wayside. Hopefully I'll get around to cleaning it up later.

If you can't tell, there are some deviations from the canon plot lines in our future. In this chapter at least I tried to leave out pieces of dialogue that would have been word for word. You guys already know what's being said, so I don't want to waste your time having you read a script you're already familiar with.

Thanks for hanging tight and having patience with me. Your responses are lovely and it makes me blush to think y'all find me worth your time. If anything is unclear, it's no problem for me to try to clean things up. Everything makes sense in my head, so sometimes I may leave things unwritten here because they're taken for granted in my head space. I'm always open to suggestions, new ideas, and criticisms. For how would we get any better without it?

The title is Polish. Hi, Poland!

Cheers,

E.R.


	7. Galatea

As bone weary as he was, Lee decided to head over to the luxury ship, _Cloud 9_, when he was finally relieved from duty. Something told him that he wouldn't want to be around when his father and brother found his resignation from CAG hidden in that stack of papers. So it was off-ship he went. There were some likely voices that needed to be drowned with something a little stronger than what _Galactica_ had to offer. Echoes had been reverberating around his skull without pause since he'd blown the _Olympic Carrier_. They were unfamiliar, which made Lee nervous. The new voices didn't sound like the others. These new ones weren't just echoing things that had happened. No, it was almost like these new mental residents were talking _to_ him. It was not something he was accustomed to. To be perfectly frank, Lee was suspecting that his strings with reality had finally and completely been cut. It was all downhill from here. Perhaps it had to do with sleep deprivation, but he felt the best thing to do when you start hearing phantom voices talking to you is to see how they reacted when you doused them with alcohol.

Picking a random bar (as there were many aboard the luxurious ship), Lee surveyed the scene. It looked to be the least-fussy onboard. He figured anyone that could afford to go vacationing on this beast liked being fussy and wearing cummerbunds. So this modest abode is where he ventured to drown his sorrows. Up at the bar, he recognized the black and grey layers standard for Battlestar crewmen to wear beneath their uniforms. From the sloppy knot of hair on top of its head and the shape of its back, Lee deduced that it was a woman. Since he was never one to drink alone (in public), he sat beside her. There were several full glasses, cups, tumblers, and shots surrounding her on the bar. When he sat beside her, she looked up.

"Hey, I know you," he said dully.

The girl almost smiled. "Yeah. We met in the museum before the ceremony. Seems like a long time ago, doesn't it?"

"You got that right."

"I'm Captain Alyssa Windsor. I can tell you forgot. Don't worry about it."

Lee shifted on the bar stool. He had almost forgotten how weird their encounter had been. "Sorry. Never been good with names. I'm Lee Adama. Rank is sort of uncertain right now."

"I know who you are, Prodigal Son. What happened to your rank? You were CAG last time I was on _Galactica_."

"Resigned. Still waiting to hear where I'll be relocated."

"Fair enough."

He'd been half-expecting her to ask a follow up question, but was relieved when she didn't. Maybe Zak wasn't so bad at picking friends for himself. This Windsor girl wasn't so bad once you got through the weird cloud that hung around her.

"You said you've been off _Galactica._ What have you been doing off-ship the last five days?"

"I was dispatched to aid in engine and FTL repairs two days ago. Only just got done fully restoring this girl's systems. I was making her run on her toes the last few jumps. So the last day I've been here getting it back on stable, long-term functioning systems."

Just listening to it sounded exhausting. Lee felt bad for complaining about his situation. This kid was fixing engines nonstop for five days; six if you count the time she was fully restoring _Cloud 9_. Sure, she was looking a grease monkey right now, but she didn't seem to be complaining.

"What's with all the drinks?" he asked. There seemed to be two of every possible drink the bartender could make spread around her in concentric semi-circles.

She shrugged. "When I got their FTL running on the last jump in time and when their engines were good as new, the people here wanted to thank me. Pretty much everyone bought me a drink. Never mind that I don't drink alcohol."

Lee almost laughed out loud. "You don't drink? What, did you have a bad experience once?"

"No, sir. I've never had a drink in my life."

"Well, in that case, let me help you out." He downed one of the sour-looking shots. In his experience, the nastier the drink, the quicker the voices went away. "Why?"

Alyssa made big eyes at him. "Why don't I drink? Because water quenches my thirst better and without any impairing side effects."

He took another swallow from one of her drinks. "Let me tell you, Captain, those aren't side effects. Those are the _desired _effects."

Puzzlement colored her face. "But, why?"

"There are some things that can only be solved one way. For some people it's liquid courage, or self-medication, hell, some people even do it because they think it's fun."

Shaking her head, "I don't understand ninety-eight percent of people."

"No one does."

"You know," she said, turning and examining one of the bright blue drinks in front of her. "Now that the world is over, I really wonder what the point of it is."

"Point of what?"

"The things I do. If I'm going to die anyway, I might as well get some experiences. There are so many things I haven't done because they didn't make sense to me. Maybe they don't have to."

"All that thinking gets you engineers into trouble," he said casually, drinking the rest of the shots.

"Tell me about it. Perhaps the best way is to learn by experience." With that, she downed an entire drink in one go.

Laughing, Lee said, "You don't have to drink the big ones all at once."

"I thought I'd jump in with two feet."

"Fine by me. Pace yourself, Cap. We have a lot of inventory here, and it's your first time. You're going to get sick if you get too ambitious."

"What are you, the alcohol Zen master?"

"To you, I am. Slow and steady, grasshopper. You'll have that bad experience I was talking about if you're not careful."

"Did you have a bad experience, Lee Adama?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah. Wasn't that bad, though. I'm still on the wagon, aren't I?" It did not escape his notice the way he had inverted the metaphor.

"How old were you?"

"Me? I would have been sixteen years young when I first got piss-drunk stupid."

"Sixteen." Alyssa whistled. "Gods, I feel so old and inexperienced."

"Why? How old are you?"

"My first drink here and I just turned twenty-two."

"Cripes," Lee said into his tumbler. "You're just a baby, aren't you?"

"For a captain, I guess so."

"Where do they grow little mad geniuses like you, anyway?"

She shrugged. "I grew up on a farm."

"No shit. You're a country kid, huh?"

"Born and raised, corn-fed country kid."

"I always thought those hillbilly kids were dumb. How did you wind up an engineer?"

Crunching the ice in her drink, she said, "We did aerial application. You know, crop dusting? We did that on the farm. So I learned to fly the thing as a kid. My dad got a new one, and we just let the old plane sit around. Eventually I started playing with it and making modifications. I wanted to make it faster and all this other junk. I got water tanks attached to the thing during a drought once. Flew over the crops like a rain cloud. It wasn't legal, of course, and all these law enforcement teams showed up because they thought I was releasing chemical weapons. When they saw what I had made in a barn with nothing more than my hands and scrap metal, they said I could come to their academy to study, if I wanted to. It was free, so I went and the rest is history."

"Crop dusters are a far cry from space vessels."

"That's the truth. At school, they just seemed like the natural way to go. I wanted to design and build new ships. Not do maintenance on old agriculture planes that can't leave the atmosphere. But here I am doing maintenance anyway. I don't mind. Whatever the fleet needs, I'll do what I can."

"Why didn't you tell anyone on _Galactica_ that you know how to fly?"

"Like you said, crop dusters are a far cry from space vessels. I've never flown anything that can leave the atmosphere. I just design and test them in lab simulations."

Lee selected another dark colored drink. "Smart kid like you could figure out how to fly in an instant."

"Then maybe it's because I don't want to."

"That's not it. Everyone wants to fly. Except for maybe Zak."

Alyssa shook her head. "He wanted to. He still wants to. The problem is that he can't fly for beans."

"And you're saying that you're in the opposite situation?"

"That's one way of looking at it."

"What's your way of looking at it?" He was feeling uncharacteristically calm and patient. He could play the 'why?' game all night. It would be a while before he was through all of these drinks. Strangely enough, talking to Alyssa seemed to be muting the sounds of the voices in his head, both old and new. He could sense that they were still there, but they were quiet and serene, almost like the sound of her voice had put them into a trance.

Alyssa picked out a second drink, vibrant in color again. "However good I might be at flying those things, it's nowhere near how good I am at making them."

"That's not it. Your big reason, Captain. What's the big, fat, keeps-you-up-at-night reason for not pursuing flying?"

They had a staring contest. Buzzed Blue versus Emotionless Grey.

She broke off first. "Are you going to tell me something fun if I tell you why I didn't become a pilot?"

Lee spread his arms wide, to show he had nothing to hide. Not in his arms anyway. "Looks like we've got an old fashion drunken truth-telling game on our hands."

She nodded with a small smile. "Okay then, Prodigal Son. Since I've never been in one of these before, I'm going to make the assumption that we're not telling anyone outside of the game what is said here."

"Captain Weirdo, if we play the game right, we won't even remember what we say."

"Fine. If I'm going to play, I might as well put an effort in." She heaved a sigh. "Okay. You know that farm families are usually big, right?"

"Everyone knows it."

"Okay. Besides me, there were four older brothers, an older sister, and a little brother. During that drought, I was building the water tank carrier with my little brother. He was the baby of the family." There was a very definite display of genuine emotion on her face. It looked wrong; a look like that had no business being on her ever-impassive face. "His name was Andrew. He liked to build more than I did. But he was too little to build anything good on his own. So I would let him help me with the old crop duster. To be honest, he was so good that he probably came up with half of the design. Only looked like it was all me since he was too little to do any of the physical work and assembly that the place required. We got it flying, as you already know. I was going to go fly it over the fields when he asked if he could come with me. Eventually, he had me convinced it was good idea. I took him up crammed in the one-person cockpit. We figured together we equaled one adult anyway. It flew fine and we watered almost the whole field. Little did we know that one of the holes in the water tank had been clogged by debris. Not until I flew up high to circle back around for the next pass did I realize it. The left tank hadn't been emptying at the same rate as the right. We were just kids and our design was imperfect. And when we turned, that side was too heavy. It spun wing-over-wing, I lost control, and crashed." Alyssa shrugged and took a drink.

"He died?" Lee ventured to guess.

She shook her head no. "Got brain damage. Completely ruined him. Andrew was stuck with the mental capacity of a six year old until the Cylons blew up the Colonies. A regular six year, by the way. Not the genius he already was at six. The police did come because they thought I might be spreading chemical weapons, but mostly they saw the smoke from the fire when I crashed the plane. My parents couldn't even look at me afterwards. That's what made the Academy so attractive. I figured they didn't want me around, so I went away to school on no charge to them. Never piloted anything again."

"Gods."

"Yeah. Gods didn't have anything to do with that. In all of my life I've never felt emotional expect for the time I realized what I had done to Andrew. That was the singular moment in all my twenty-two years that I cried. Aside from being a baby and all of that, of course. Be careful, Prodigal Son. Little brothers can make you or break you."

They took drinks in unison, crunched ice together. Lee wondered if there was any way to make that story feel less heavy. He was pretty sure that if he had ever caused Zak such serious and permanent damage he would have killed himself a long time ago. Being wailed on by your mother is only skin-deep. Reducing your little brother to something worse than death (in one opinion) was in your bones and never left you. Was that why the voices had quieted around her? Did they sense a deeper hurt in Alyssa and decided it was only respectful to pipe down in her presence? The voice of that psychiatrist from so long ago spoke over the silence in his head, reminding him that he shouldn't minimize the wrongs that had been done to him. The good old shrink always used to tell him not to compare his situation to anyone else's. All people were different and repeated physical abuse would almost always lead to mental impairment, temporary or permanent. Lee figured that since he'd thrown everything the old coot had said out the window since the Cylons attacked, why shouldn't this last piece of advice go with it?

"Is that why you're a robot?" he said.

"What?"

"You're not very emotional. Did damaging your brother make you all disconnected from your emotions like this?"

Alyssa smiled. "No, Prodigal Son. I was like this before I crashed the plane. And I'm just the same afterwards."

"How did you get over it?"

"Get over it? It's never far from my mind, but it's like I said before: I thought about it a lot in the months following the crash and then I just stopped. The answer just popped into my head one day. There was nothing I could do to fix what had happened, so I stopped fighting it. I talked to my parents, admitted it was my fault and all that. They had Andrew set up in a group home that took care of people like him near my lab. I went to see him on the weekends. I could sign him out for the day. He liked to watch my dance group. He always wanted to come with to our rehearsals. Dancing has always been associated with Andrew. It's the closest I get to feeling like I'm flying. He always liked to watch me fly the crop duster; since he was in diapers at least. Always felt like he knew watching me dance was sort of the same thing." She was smiling one of those smiles that didn't look mechanical and practiced. It was crooked and genuine. Or perhaps it was just the alcohol getting to her at last. "When you bust a machine, you can still make something out of the pieces. First lesson of conservative engineering, Prodigal Son: You never throw something out because it doesn't work, you repurpose it."

"Sounds exhausting."

"Building something good isn't going to be easy. But it's better to make something than to have the scraps lying around. Didn't you learn in first grade that even when you throw things away, it still pollutes the environment?"

"I've never equated my life to a garbage heap before."

"Oh, please, P.S. Everyone has been feeling so sorry for themselves that they've called their life a garbage heap. I don't know any details about what happened in your house when you were kids; only what Zak's said about you being emancipated. But I'm not stupid, and I can tell you're still carrying that garbage around. To extend the metaphor, I'll say that a lot of things are biodegradable after a few years. It's high time you let something grow out of that garbage heap that is your life."

"That would be really great advice if I was a plant."

"It's really good advice for humans that are done playing the victim."

Lee laughed and took another swallow of his drink. "You don't sugarcoat things, do you?"  
"Never. I give it to you straight. Would you expect someone like me to even _know_ how to sugarcoat things?"

"I've only ever talked to you once before now."

"But you can still tell."

He laughed and admitted he could.

Alyssa spun her glass between her palms. "This alcohol stuff isn't so bad."

"I'm telling you. One of man's greatest inventions."

Head bobbing, she said, "Well, it's your turn, P.S. Tell me a keeps-you-up-at-night secret."

He set his drink on the bar. "What do you want to know? Ask me a question, Captain Weirdo."

She pulled the bowl of mixed nuts in front of her and picked out the almonds while she thought of a question. Wiping the salt off of her fingers, she finally came up with one. "Okay, so Zak told me you got your wings at twenty. So I want to know why you chose to follow in your father's footsteps and become a Viper pilot."

Lee scrunched up his face.

Laughing, Alyssa said, "I know. Sucks, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does."

"Give me a full answer. I gave you one. Context, please. I know close to zero about you."

"But you knew how old I was when I got my wings."

"Eidetic memory. Who cares? Answer my question."

Before he began, Lee squirmed uncomfortably and took a necessary number of drinks to calm down. "Okay, then. I enlisted after my grandfather died."

"Be more specific. I know you didn't go to his funeral. Set me a goddamn scene, P.S."

"Just be quiet and I will." He did some quick thinking about whether or not he wanted to give this stranger the full story. "When I heard he'd died, it put me into a depressive episode. Grandfather Joseph was the only person that I had to depend on. In effect, _he_ was the one that had been my father my whole life. So, as most people would react when their father dies, I was rather upset. When I heard about it, I laid down on the floor where I had been standing and stayed there for two days."

Alyssa made and face and interrupted again. "What did you do? You just laid there?"

All the alcohol in combination with his empty stomach had him more willing to offer up answers. "I was having…uh, I don't know what they're called…auditory flashbacks? I have a history of them. My vision goes black and I hear things. For two whole days I had them one after another. As you can imagine, they were enough to mess with anyone's head. When I could see again, I called for help. Spent the next day and a half in a hospital. I never told them that I was thinking about killing myself, which I had been, if only to make the flashbacks stop, so I was released into my own care. When I got back home, I thought about why I was even living in that place to begin with. Figured it was time to get a real job. I wasn't qualified to do anything, so naturally I thought that the military is always hiring and on-the-job training is required whether you already know how to use the equipment or not. At the time, I could have bitched about my father for twenty hours straight, but I couldn't deny how much I liked hearing his old war stories. There were times when we still got along alright. He would always tell us our whole lives that Zak and I would both grow up to be pilots. Sounded good to me. When I was planning all of this I was at the end of my rope, effectively crazy and depressed, I hadn't talked to my father in years…and I was kind of tired of it. My plan was to go ask him to help me. It had completely slipped my mind that he would be furious that I had missed Grandfather Joseph's funeral. So when I heard that, I sort of chickened out. However angry I was with him, I never really lost my respect for my father. How can you stop caring about your parents? I knew he was pissed off, so I thought it might send the right message to enlist in flight school. Even after I got my wings, I could never bring myself to reach out to him."

"So you only did it as a gesture? Became a pilot, I mean."

"No. I always liked his stories about the war. He always told us that he wanted us to be pilots. I thought it was cool. I thought _he_ was cool, as much as I hated him at the time. I liked everything about flying and Vipers. Zak and I had been on bases with him before. Dad let us go on a simulated flight once. I loved everything about it. It was power and freedom, and best of all, control was all yours, just sitting in the palm of your hand. Viper pilots control everything firsthand. There's no one else in the cockpit telling you what to do, where to fly, when to pitch, how much to roll…Couldn't wait to actually get to fly it. It was happy match, and I thought it was a good way to pave a path back to my father. No matter how put out we were with each other, I thought that we'd always have flying and that was something."

Picking another almond out, she prepared to comment. "What's the problem, then? You want to put it out to pasture; Gods know the commander does. Just talk to the man. Tell him what you told me."

"Is it that easy to get the commander drunk and have a round of gut-spilling?"

"You don't have to be drunk."

"Well, I certainly can't talk to him sober. I can't even talk to you without a buzz."

"Oh, quit being a weenie. Go talk to him. What are you afraid of?"

That was a good question. What would Bill do? Yell at him and send him to his room? Lee knew that what he was really worried about was residing in his head right now. When he did eventually talk to Bill, he couldn't tell him everything all at once. Baby steps all the way. Not to mention that he'd be out of job when he got around to the voices. Thoughts clouded in and he pondered her question. "I'm afraid nothing will change."

"Psssh. How could something _not _change?"

"With me. I'm afraid it won't change anything with me. I'm afraid that I'll be stuck like this forever, with or without my father. If I have to stay this way forever, I don't want him to know." Bill wouldn't want to deal with his craziness anyway. He'd probably be embarrassed that his son had psychotic tendencies.

"If you don't try, you'll never know. People don't know if cancer treatments will put them in remission, but they'd be silly not to try, wouldn't they?"

"I suppose."

Alyssa slapped him on the back. "See? It's worth a shot. And I don't even know what in world you're talking about. What, do you wet the bed or something?"

"I wish it was just pissing the bed."

"Hey, I've asked you enough personal questions for one day. Don't feel like you have to share."

"Good. I think I've hit a wall myself."

Her neck gave several cracks as she rolled her head back and forth. "Whoo! I think I'm starting to really feel it now."

"Oh, yeah? How do you feel?" Lightweight. She hadn't even finished the second one.

"I feel like singing." The seat squeaked as she turned around in it searching for some sort of music. "Want to do a duet, Prodigal Son?"

"Don't think I'm drunk enough yet."

She pushed a drink at him across the bar at random. "Then drink up. I'm going to go find that lounge musician. Do you think he takes requests? Come find me when you feel like your face is falling off, because mine already does."

She scurried off to locate the source of the music. Lee sat back and watched her go. The little creep wasn't that bad. He knew it was only his second time talking to her, but already there was a softening place in his heart where she was concerned. It's a shame that girl didn't have proper feelings, or she would be catching the most sought-after bachelors in all the Colonies. Never mind that the Colonies consisted of a random collection of less than fifty thousand souls. Every step she took away from where he sat resulted in an increase in the volume of the noise in his head. They were testing the water, checking that the girl was gone like kids seeing if the rain had stopped. It was safe to come out again. Sensing it, Lee quickly threw back another one of her drinks. Before too long, he might be hanging around this girl just to keep his grip on reality.

It came as no surprise when she was dancing around the musician's stage with a red-faced partner while the pianist played a jaunty tune. Both of the dancers were smiling as they turned circles around each other. Lee suspected the man looked so happy because he was gripping a handful of her ass. A tiny shadow of doubt bloomed in Lee's conscience. Perhaps he shouldn't have let her dance with drunken strangers when it was her first night having a drink. Gods knew they would take advantage of her and she probably wouldn't even know it. The more he thought about it, the more likely it seemed that in addition to never having a drink before, Alyssa probably hadn't had sex yet, either. He finished off a drink before dragging himself to his feet. It was almost always a bad idea to combine your first time being drunk with your first time having sex. It was with guilt-induced gallantry that Lee cut the ruddy man off, and took up the dance with Alyssa. A smile bright as the sun sprouted on her face that seemed to light up the whole room.

Improvised instruments joined with the piano and soon there was a folksy band playing. Their dance didn't seem to be in any sort of order or follow any particular choreography. Alyssa turned gracefully on her toes (she had taken her shoes off at some time) and pulled surrounding patrons onto their feet and into the dance. Surprisingly, they stayed on their feet dancing instead of sitting right back down in their seats. In no time at all, the floor was crowded with laughing and dancing bar patrons. Every eye in the room followed her. Lee found himself thinking that she really did look like she was flying when she danced. Even drunk, she had some otherworldly coordination and balance. A tiny part of him thought it might be nice to see her dance sober sometime, with a plan and choreography. Seeing her improvise and be free was a wonder to behold on its own, though. Indeed, it was quite entertaining to watch the other patrons try to imitate her freedom and stumble around in inebriation. Something told him that he wasn't the only feeling like he was seeing some kind of nymph or goddess or whatever gracing them with this moment of magic. Shouldn't there be someone taking pictures and proving this had happened? The media should see this girl, because she obviously was something everyone should know about.

Alyssa did a turn and faced her sizable audience. All their eyes were on her. Bouncing on her toes, she did a move. They imitated her at their own speeds. That smile growing bigger than should be allowed, she did another sequence that they repeated. The game of dancing Simon Says went on. Twirling away from them, she yelled, "I love alcohol!"

A roar of approval much too loud for the number of people present responded. People continued to dance along to the improve band. Sliding between bodies like a ghost, Alyssa made it back to Lee.

"What do you think, Prodigal Son?" she yelled over the noise.

"I'm very impressed!" he yelled back with equal volume. He grabbed her hand and spun her around.

"If you want to make a room dance, then make a room dance!"

"I'll keep that in mind!"

Stepping out, she spun herself up in their linked arms. Only inches from his face, she said, "Sing with me!"

She paused for a second when their arms unwound and there was space between their bodies again. Rolling his eyes, Lee said, "Fine!"

As if there was never any doubt, she tugged him after her. They boogied their way through Alyssa's dancing children and to the bandstand. The hodgepodge musicians smiled at the girl that had given them this impromptu concert. Shouting over the noise, she asked, "Do you guys know 'Livin' on a Prayer'?" They smiled and nodded. Alyssa spun and looked at Lee. "Do you know it?"

"Who doesn't?"

"Good answer!"

The band began to play while the bartender tossed the extra microphones to them. They were aged but functioned well enough. They made it through the whole song, off key, but with smiles on their faces. Initially, Lee had reservations about singing in front of a room of people. Drunken people they were, but still. But once they got going it wasn't bad at all. It was downright fun. While his voice wasn't perfect, neither was Alyssa's, and the band didn't play the song exactly right. The audience didn't seem to care, and groups of other people wanted to have a go at it after them. The two of them danced through some renditions of 'Tessie', 'Don't Stop Believing', and 'Your Love'. Not all of the songs were easy to dance along with, but they never stopped moving. Alyssa went back for a chorus of 'Dancing Queen' with a group of particularly impaired men, which the crowd seemed to love. Lee went back to sit at the bar and watch her. It was there that some familiar faces found him.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Zak asked.

Lee smiled stupidly at his brother and Kara. "She started all of this. Can you believe it?"

"Who started it?" Kara asked.

"Alyssa!"

"Who the frak is Alyssa?"

"She's Zak's friend, stupid! The one singing!"

Zak shook his shoulder to get Lee's attention. "Have you been here the whole time since you got off duty?"

"Yeah!"

"You still haven't been to sleep?"

"I'm afraid not!"

"And you've been drinking?"

"Yep!"

Zak and Kara shared a significant look. They looked like a very serious conversation was passing between them telepathically. Kara ended the exchange when she said aloud, "It can wait until later."

Cheering erupted as 'Dancing Queen' ended. A chant for Alyssa to do another one rose above the crowd. Zak watched the scene unfold with an odd look on his face.

Alyssa asked her dance-children, "You want another one?"

The force of their 'yeah' nearly knocked the poor girl off of her feet.

"Okay. Do you want to hear my favorite song from back home?" The roar answered again. Smiling, she said, "Okay! It's called 'Take Me Home, Country Roads'."

As the song began, Zak's brow furrowed deeper. Lee thought it might be kind to tell him that he could get his face stuck that way if he kept it up. Kara was watching the concert with a look of mild revolt mixed with amusement. Feeling content, Lee drank from a new tumbler until one of them had something to say.

Zak strung words together first. "Is she drunk?"

The hint of anger in his voice took Lee by surprise. "I guess so. Relax, brother. She didn't even finish the second one. I've been watching out for her the whole time."

"But she doesn't drink…" He looked put out.

"She said she wanted to get some experiences since she's going to die anyway."

"You've been watching her?"

"That's what I said."

"And you've been drinking, too?"

"Duh."

He made an exasperated sound. "The blind leading the blind…"

"What are you doing here anyway? Didn't you just get back on duty?"

Kara answered. "We came looking for you."

Lee would avoid having this conversation at all costs. Grasping for straws, he said, "I'm sorry to say this but, as your boyfriend has pointed out, I have been drinking. I'm still off the clock. If whatever you wanted to see me about has to do with the Battlestar, you'll have to wait until I'm back on duty."

"Are you going to be difficult about his?" Zak asked. What did he have to look so weary about?

"I'm not being difficult. You don't ask a man to do his job when the work day is over."

"Circumstances have changed, brother. The work day isn't what it used to be."

"Hey, I've worked six days without proper sleep. I've earned time off."

"You were supposed to be sleeping during that time off."

"No one gave me that order."

Kara and Zak looked at each other. It was clear that they'd found him too late. The hunch that Kara had about finding him in a bar had been confirmed. She hadn't told Zak exactly why she suspected Lee would be drinking instead of sleeping. At the moment, Zak didn't really care about that. His brain was still trying to wrap itself around his resignation. It didn't make sense to him, and Zak hated things that didn't make sense. He was from the school of thought that said if you thought hard and long about something, you would make sense out of it. All this philosophy had yielded so far was a headache. A growing suspicion that he didn't have all of the pieces to this puzzle was lurking in his mind. There would be no rest until he understood what was going on here. Not only because it was his brother that was acting strange and Zak was beginning to worry about him, but because it threw off their professional roles as well. Gods knew he loved her, but Zak didn't have nearly as much confidence in Kara's ability to fill the role of CAG as he did his brother. But with this resignation, his whole understanding of the dynamic on the Battlestar had been skewed. The less-capable one was now being handed the reins when the better choice sat idly by. And the kicker was that everyone, and Zak meant _everyone_, seemed to be fine with it. Agreed with it, even.

Kara was the only one that seemed to have reacted rationally to the news. She was just as blindsided as Zak had been. Just like he reacted, her first thought was to go find Lee and talk to him about it. Of course there had been the trouble of finding out where in the fleet he'd gone, since it was clear he had left. They should have known that he would go the _Cloud 9_. The cruiser hadn't been their first choice, but it was obvious that it should have been now. Aside from not understand why Lee had resigned, Zak didn't understand why Kara didn't want him there when she talked to Lee. Her excuses were flimsy; something about it being a matter between pilots and something or another. It wasn't going to be that easy to lose him. Like a dog with a bone, Zak would not let anything keep him from obtaining the understanding he so desperately coveted.

Alas, as previously mentioned, they had arrived too late, and their subject was adequately intoxicated to be no help. There was almost no more room in Zak's buzzing mind to be annoyed that Lee had encouraged Alyssa to get drunk, but the space was found. As distressed as his mind was, there was a smile on his face as he watched his friend sing weird country songs that referenced places he'd never heard of.

"Where did she even hear this song?" he asked no one in particular.

"She said it was her favorite from back home. I imagine that's where she heard it," Lee supplied. "Sounds like the type of song they'd sing on a farm or in the woods or something."

"She's not from the country…" Zak said without confidence.

Lee laughed. "Uh, yes, she is. She grew up on a farm, idiot, with her five brothers and her sister."

There was a challenge in his eyes when Zak looked at his brother. "She never told me that."

"Did you ever ask her a question about where she came from?" Lee was picking out a drink and passing a flamboyant one to Kara.

Come to think of it, he couldn't recall ever asking Alyssa about where she came from. He had taken it for granted that she was around simply to hear the grievances of his own life. It had never occurred to him that she must have been somewhere else before she became an engineer, just as he did. How likely was it that she popped out of the ground at the Academy at age nineteen, ready to build spacecraft? The answer was 'not very.' He knew things about her, like that she had older brothers, and he had even met her sister Mel (Tim had been sleeping with her, for crying out loud). Guilt flooded him when he realized that he'd been considering Alyssa one of his closest friends for two years and he didn't even know her hometown. He couldn't bring himself to be angry with Alyssa for never saying anything. She had made it very clear that it was not in her personality to gab about herself. If someone wanted to know anything about her, they need only ask. Zak had never asked in the three years that he'd known her. A frown creased his face as her song ended.

A new cycle of drunken singers took the stage, and Alyssa slid through the crowd like a ghost over to the rest of them.

"That was great!" Lee shouted.

"Thanks, P.S.!" She reached between Lee and Kara to get another drink. Sipping through the straw, she said, "Look, Zak! I'm drunk!"

"I noticed."

The big-eyed look came out when she drank deeply through the straw. "Good grief, that stuff tastes awful. Hey! Are you Kara? Zak, is this is Kara?"

The girl in question gave a tight-lipped smile. Zak nodded. "Kara, this is my former co-worker, Captain Alyssa Windsor. Alyssa, this is my girlfriend and the CAG, Captain Kara Thrace."

"Hey, CAG! Way to go!" Kara did not return the high-five Alyssa offered. Lowering her hand, she went on undeterred. "Yeah, hi, Captain Thrace! I heard a lot about you. I thought Zak was making you up. You sounded way too cool to be dating him."

Kara's intimidation front fell down with the blunt honesty of Alyssa's sideways compliment. She smiled at the younger woman and put her hand up belatedly for the high-five. Alyssa participated with enthusiasm. "She's not bad," was the new CAG's verdict.

Tapping Lee in the ribs with her elbow, Alyssa said, "Ya hear that, P.S.? She thinks I'm not bad."

"I heard, Captain Weirdo."

There was an uncomfortable lull in conversation that everyone except Alyssa felt. She stood there with a weird smile on her face. Sucking air through the straw in her empty glass, she said, "I've never had so many friends at one time before."

Zak thought that was about the saddest thing he'd ever heard in his life. Especially in light of the realization that he did not, in fact, know anything about his 'friend.'

"You guys should sing!" she announced.

"Uh, no. Haven't drunk enough to do that," Kara said. That issue seemed to be in the process of being resolved if the drink in her hands was any indication.

"That's what P.S. said!"

Kara mouthed 'P.S.' to Lee. He shook his head and assured her that he'd tell her later.

"Later, then," Alyssa amended. "Zak, dance with me."

He shook loose of her grip. "Oh, no. I am not dancing in here."

Her grip on his arm tightened. Trying to look stern, she said, "All my dancing partners were killed in the attacks. You still have your father and brother and girlfriend. Throw a dog a bone, Zak. You're all I've got."

It was hard to refuse an appeal like that, especially since he'd realized just how much he'd been neglecting her side of the friendship. He rode the guilt train all way into the thick of the crowd of dancing bodies. The swarm had grown much larger since Alyssa had initiated the acoustic sing-along. Perhaps some unknown human pheromone had been released, calling others to the source of the unlikely, old-fashioned fun.

Kara and Lee sat idly by and watched Zak try not to look like he was having fun. The silent cloud around them was uncomfortable. Not talking was never a problem the two of them had. When Zak had gone away to engineering, they had spent a lot of time together and never lacked for conversation. Indeed, this situation was unfamiliar for them. So they watched the dancing and drank. There were several things Kara wanted to talk about, of course. At the moment she was having trouble putting her thoughts into actual words. She also didn't know if this was really the place to have these conversations. Lee had already made it clear he didn't want to talk about yet. When had what Lee wanted ever stopped Kara from going after what _she_ wanted? Never, that's when. The fact that he had been drinking would actually work to her advantage. Lips got loose when they'd been sipping on alcohol. She would just have to think of a way to ask him questions without letting on that she was analyzing him. Unfortunately, tact was not a skill that she'd really ever needed in her time, and it consequentially was not a very developed skill. She was not oblivious to this fact. And all of this amounted to her biting her tongue and letting the silence go on. Her distress over it was interrupted when Lee spoke first. As wrapped up in her own thoughts as she was, she almost didn't hear him over the merrymaking.

"Kara, I hate to say this, but your boyfriend looks like Pygmalion ogling Galatea out there."

So taken off guard by the subject, she loudly said, "What?"

Lee nodded to where Zak was dancing with Alyssa. Indeed, his eyes followed her everywhere she went with something besides friendship in them. It wasn't lust, to be sure. Kara watched them, trying to adjust her mind set from confronting Lee about his resignation to seeing her boyfriend dance with another girl. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to feel, but she was sure it was supposed to be more than that the _nothing_ she was feeling.

"Aw, let the kid have his fun," she managed to say. "Gods know we've done worse together than that."

"Sure, we've danced together and stuff. But I'm pretty sure if I ever looked at you like that, you would have punched me or had me committed somewhere."

She still wasn't above having him committed somewhere (if there was any place to have people committed in their rag-tag fleet), but it would be for something much more substantial than looking at her funny. Taking a second look, Kara did see that Zak looked spellbound, completely engrossed in Alyssa's every movement. Perhaps a normal person would feel jealous or angry, but she remained unbothered. In fact, she found it sort of cute. Gods knew she and Zak hadn't looked at each other like that in years, if they ever had.

"As long as Galatea is still made of ivory, I have no problem with him taking in the view. I'm not one for keeping wandering eyes in check."

"I'll drink to that."

They clinked their glasses together.

"You know, she really is easy on the eyes," Lee continued in an offhand manner.

Kara almost choked from laughter. "That girl? She's kind of frakking weird."

"Hey, you just met her and she's drunk. That's hardly enough to pass judgment on. I've only talked to her one other time, but she's okay. Besides, I said she's okay to look at. I didn't say anything about talking to her."

A frown turned half of her mouth downwards as she scrutinized the girl in question. "How old is she? She looks like an adult but acts like a kid."

"I think she said she's twenty-two."

"And Zak said she doesn't drink?"

"She drank tonight, but before now, no, she did not."

"A bit of goody-goody, isn't she? Doesn't drink, dances, sings country songs, knows everything…probably never had sex."

"That's what I thought."

"I mean, come on, she's twenty-two."

It was Lee's turn to frown. "You say that like it's a bad thing. I didn't know you were into virgin shaming."

She shook her head. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just that it's a little old fashioned. Is she going to stay that way her _whole life_? What's her plan? Is she getting married or plan on being a crazy cat lady?"

"Does she need a plan? I'm sure she'll do what she wants on her own time."

Shrugging, Kara said, "Fine. I don't care what she does. Since when are you the Virgin Defender? You're the last person who should be carrying their flag."

"I'm not the Virgin Defender, it's just…I don't know. She's got a way about her. You don't want to see her get hurt. I feel like I've found a puppy that's been abandoned by its mother or something."

"Lee, she's an adult human woman. She's survived this long. I'm sure she doesn't need you defending her virginity from goo-goo eyed McGee over there." Kara gestured to one of several men that were watching her dance with Zak.

"If you keep your boyfriend in line and it would be a lot easier."

"He was your brother before he was my boyfriend. That makes Zak your responsibility."

"I guess that's right. It's not like that's never happened before." They watched the dancing some more. "It's kind of sad, actually. Zak's eating out of that girl's hand and she is completely oblivious. It would be funnier if it weren't happening while I was discussing it with his girlfriend."

"He knows better than to try anything in front of me. Like I said, he can have some fun. If he wants to watch his friend spin around on her toes, that's fine. We've done much worse than that when Zak wasn't around."

Lee shifted uncomfortably. "That's different."

"How is it different?"

"Nothing serious could ever happen between us. We could never sleep together or anything. But those two…I don't know. If Alyssa had any feelings, I think they would already be together and you'd be out on your ass."

"Oh, please," she snorted. "What's he going to do? Babysit her?"

"I call it as I see it."

"What are you trying to do here anyway, Lee? Gull me into punching that kid?"

"No. Well, that would be entertaining, but I don't think you should go deck her. I want you to go make a scene."

"Why would I ever do that?"

He shrugged. "Because it would be fun. You don't have to yell at him or anything. It's been a long few days and I think we all need to lighten up and _do something_. Hey, we're all still alive! Let's act like it."

Kara made a face. She had been really close to finally spitting out the questions she wanted to ask. Now she was left to wonder how the situation had strayed so far. Biting her tongue had led a missed opportunity. Gods be damned!

"You want me to make a scene?"

"Yes, I do."

"What do you want me to do? Violate your brother?"

"Sure. Anything. Look alive. Alyssa knows what I mean. Look at her out there dancing because she felt like it and she's alive. Kara, you've just survived a tragedy! You took a nap! Now, do you love him or _do you love him_?"

Caught up in that oh-so slurred oration (and perhaps influenced by her own mild drinking), she hopped off of her stool and bounded into the fray of things. It was lucky that Zak saw her coming or else he would have dropped her when she jumped on him. A very enthusiastic and uncharacteristic public display of affection followed. Alyssa stuck her tongue out in disgust that was only partly in good humor. Why did every dance party have to go and get ruined by people playing kissy face? Have they no modesty? When the moment was over, Alyssa wasted no time grabbing their hands, linking them into a three-person circle. Naturally, she led the charge, running in a circle with them. Neither Kara nor Zak offered any resistance to her leadership. A concentric circle formed around the three of them, running the opposite direction. It wasn't long before almost every person in the bar was a part of this. Lee would have liked to see the action from above. Each ring alternated the direction in which they ran. Eventually this grew stale and Lee found himself yawning massively into his drink. He really did need to go to sleep at some point. Right about now, the bar was looking like a pretty good spot. There was a buzzing in his ears that usually announced the onslaught of echoes. It was still possible that the sound was a result of not eating in what was almost two days now. A nap and a snack: Isn't that all anyone ever really wanted?

One second he was thinking about food and the next thing he knew, someone was poking him in the side. Jerking his head up, Lee realized he actually had fallen asleep slumped over on the bar like some kind of bum. Looking around at who was poking him, it occurred to him that it may have been the voices that had woken him up. It was as if they'd been going this whole time and he was just now noticing.

"What's going on?"

Kara slapped him on the back. "We're leaving. Get up. You can't sleep here, Captain."

"Ah. So I'm still a captain. Am I to submit to your authority, then?"

"That's right. You're not CAG, but the old man didn't want to demote you. So get up. Can you walk?"

"This isn't my first rodeo." To prove that he could walk, Lee stood up and followed Kara's lead. "Where are Zak and the other one?"

"We're meeting them at the shuttle."

"That's good news, but you didn't answer the question."

Kara just pointed to the two of them leading the crowd in a rendition of 'Uptown Girl.'

"Look at that, Kara! Kara, look!"

"I frakking saw it first, Lee."

"Look at my little brother singing! Look how happy he is."

She tried futilely to drag him forward, for his progress toward the exit had stopped. "Let's go. Move your feet, Captain. You're acting stupid. Do you want me to make it an order?"

"Look at him, sir. I'm not going to miss seeing my little brother looking that happy." By now Alyssa had stopped singing and was just letting Zak lead the song on his own. She looked just as amazed as Lee felt watching the performance. Kara made an impatient and harassed sound. There may have even been a foot stamp in there. Lee looked back at her when he heard her frustrated noises. Laughing, he said, "He's singing about you, sir."

Deciding it would be much quicker to escape this way, Kara punched him in the jaw. She held back, but hit him hard enough to hurt. Once he was vulnerable, she dragged her subordinate out of the bar with greatly reduced resistance. The sounds of 'Uptown Girl' followed them down the corridors. Most of it was drowned out the impressive string of profanity Lee was putting together. He calmed down eventually and continued to follow her submissively. Dropping the arm she'd been dragging him by, she glanced at the decorative clock on the wall as she marched past. The shuttle she'd planned to take would be leaving soon. They had enough time, but they'd still need to hurry. She picked up the pace. Hopefully singing stupid songs wouldn't keep Zak from making the flight. On the other hand, it would be easier to question Lee without Zak mouth-breathing down her neck.

"Try to keep up, Junior Captain. We've got things to do on _Galactica_ and I can't be babysitting you drunken, disorderly pilots," she said. It was nice to have her promotion. She had been thinking about how much better she would be at it just a few days ago. Perhaps the fact that she hadn't been expecting it so soon played a role in how uncertain she felt. None of that stopped her from rubbing it in to Lee; sticking his nose in the fact that he now reported to her. Never mind that it was because he stepped down that she got the position. Kara had been expecting some retort about that fact, but none came. Not so much as a snort of derision answered her. She spun on her heel to walk backwards and make fun of him, but all progress came to a grinding halt when she realized he hadn't been following.

Down the length of the corridor she'd just power-walked down, under the decorative clock, Lee had sat down with his back against the wall. Jogging back toward him, annoyed that he would make them late, she stopped beside him. He didn't even flinch as she approached. Crouching down beside him, Kara thought he might be sleeping with his eyes open. Indeed, he was just staring at the wall across from him. She did everything she could think of to get his attention: waved her hand in front of his eyes, clapped in his ear, poked his ribs, yelled a thousand variations of 'hey', and shook him by the shoulders. Kara was preparing to give him a matching bruise on the unblemished side of jaw, when he finally moved. His hands covered his ears and his eyes closed. She couldn't make out any words, but he was definitely mumbling something. Not being an expert in anything besides flying, Kara wasn't sure, but she suspected that she had just witnessed one of his 'breaks with reality'. One thing was for sure: All those questions didn't need to be asked since he'd just answered them by demonstration. The big question now was what in the hell Kara was going to do about it.

First things first, they had to make that frakking shuttle. To do that, they had to get moving. She grabbed his wrists and wretched them off from over his ears. She regretted this very much, not because his skin was soaked in cold sweat but because the second she pulled his hands away, he shouted, "IT WASN'T MY FAULT!" at the top of his lungs. Instinctively, Kara punched him to quiet him down. That was her second regret. His fist hit her full force on the cheek. It was millimeters away from blasting her in the eye. She tumbled back on her ass.

"For frak's sake! Cut it out, Lee!" she yelled in agitation.

That seemed to do the trick. Gingerly touching the spot where he'd hit her, Kara looked at him. He was staring at her in horror. At least he looked coherent now.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I don't know what happened."

It was through narrow eyes that she watched him dry heave. Putting his hands behind his head, he repeated his apology like a mantra.

"You're not going to sit there and tell me nothing's wrong in that head of yours, are you?" she asked.

He shook his head no. "What are you going to do?"

That was a very good question. Because it was obvious that she had to do _something_. Especially now that she was CAG. She had to take care of her pilots. It was very typical of Kara to chase after something and not know what to do when she finally caught it. Had she not suspected that Lee was compromised since they had formed up this little fleet? Now that she knew she had been right, she didn't know what to do about it. What was it that Lee used to say? When in doubt, go by the book? There were some very basic things she could do if she followed that philosophy.

"Well, I'm going to take you back to _Galactica_. And then you're going straight to your rack and you're going to sleep at least ten hours. If any of the pilots bitch about it, you can tell them to take it up with me directly. You're not to pilot any ship until I decide what to do with you. Consider it an unofficial grounding."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

She got back on her feet and offered him a hand. The deal was done as she pulled him back up. Pointing at him, "Is it all clear up there, or do I have to hold your hand?"

"I think I'll be fine for now."

"Okay. Say something if you think you're losing your marbles again."

"My marbles are all in the bag right now, sir."

"Well your bag has a hole and they keep falling out. Just say something to let me know. Okay?"

"I heard you."

"Well, you weren't saying anything. I want to make sure you're hearing all of this."

Zak and Alyssa caught up with them at that moment, putting an abrupt end to their conversation.

"About time you showed up," Kara said in her best annoyed voice. "We would have missed the damned shuttle because of you."

Luck was with them and the inter-ship transport was running behind schedule. The four of them piled into the Raptor with a few other enlistees. While the craft was made to hold several passengers, it was not a comfortable fit. Kara didn't mind so much since the trip would be short anyway. Function was always more important to her than appearance. If the beast got you from one place to another without venting everyone into space then she didn't care if they were sitting on each other's laps. So it wasn't the accommodations that had put her in a prickly mood. There were things she needed to think about, obviously, and in addition to all of that, she reminded herself, there were some serious CAG duties that were now hers and needed immediate attention. Funny how she hadn't considered the paperwork that was involved when she had been fancying herself a better CAG than Lee. Boy, there certainly was a lot of paperwork, schedules, and rosters that needed to be filled in. All those duties that Lee had been forced to neglect the past six days were still around. Only difference was that they were Kara's problem now. Stress began to build on her the way it had when the Cylons were still chasing them.

She fretted all the way back to _Galactica. _Once they were in the safe, climate-controlled embrace of their mothership, the passengers spilled out of the Raptors like a bunch of clowns in a tiny car. At least that was what Alyssa said they looked like. Perhaps under different circumstance Kara would have found that amusing. The moment her foot touched the deck, she was swamped with complaints and the bitching of pilots and a few deckhands even. Before she left with Zak to look for Lee on _Cloud 9,_ it had been announced that she was now CAG. Her new responsibilities smacked her right in the face before she could even breathe the recycled air. So intense was this cloud of people demanding her word that she didn't even notice that Lee, Zak, and Alyssa had slipped away from her and were all but gone from the flight deck. She could only hope that Lee would follow her directives. It was really hard to say how much she trusted him at the moment. Shaking her head and looking at the closest whiner, Kara forced herself to focus on the issues that needed immediate resolutions. Didn't people used to say that you fix the roof before it starts to rain?

She needn't have worried, because Zak saw both Lee and Alyssa to their respective quarters. He had to hold back from laughing when Lee went right to sleep fully clothed, not pausing to take off so much as his boots. Next, he steered Alyssa by the shoulders to the engineering quarters. She kept up commentary without any response from Zak, talking about everything from getting back to work on the Vipers to how weird it would be to take a group shower. Yawns punctuated this nonstop flow of speech, but nothing could stop it. They finally made it to her quarters. No one else was in there, so he didn't feel so bad about the racket she was making. Alyssa rolled ungracefully into her rack. He hadn't taken two steps before she groaned loudly.

"You're not going to throw up, are you?" he asked warily, keeping his distance just in case.

"The room is spinning. Zak, it's spinning."

Chuckling a little bit, he said, "Put your foot on the ground. It'll stop."

She did as he said. "I remember having to bring you home and tell you that same thing once or twice."

It seemed a lifetime ago, in a place that no longer existed. "I remember, too."

"You said the room was spinning and I had no idea what you meant. I told you to put your foot on the ground because that's what they said in movies. You asked me to sing. Do you remember that?"

"Vaguely."

"I remember it. It was a song my mother sang when we were sick."

Noticing that he did not have to report back to the commander and XO for some time still, Zak sat on the metal table in the center of the room. Perhaps he'd _really_ get to know his friend while she was still under the truth-telling effects of alcohol. "A song they sang out in the country? Where you grew up?"

"Oh, yeah. Country kids would sing it while they went fishing all the time. But Mother saved it for when we were sick."

"What was it called?"

"You remember. I sang it when Tim had first gone out with Mel and you called and told me you were so drunk you forgot how to get home. So I had to find you based on the descriptions you gave of your surroundings. You threw up on my slippers."

He smiled when he remember that particular detail. "You were the one that was wearing slippers outside."

"Yeah, but that's not an invitation to blow chunks on a girl. Then we got home and you told me the room was spinning. And I said put your foot on the ground. You asked me if my mother ever sang for me and I said of course. You said your mother never did. So I did what my mother would have done: I sang for you."

As she said it, Zak recalled, roughly, the melody of the song she was talking about. He couldn't put any words to it, but now that night was clearer. He hummed it the notes he remembered. Alyssa peeked at him from under the arm she'd thrown across her eyes.

Grinning, she sang, "_In a cavern, in a canyon, excavating for a mine, dwelt a miner forty-niner and his daughter Clementine. Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling, Clementine. Thou art lost and gone forever. Dreadful sorry, Clementine. Light she was, and like a fairy, and her shoes were number nine. Herring boxes without topses, sandals were for Clementine. Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling, Clementine. Thou art lost and gone forever. Dreadful sorry, Clementine. Drove her ducklings to the water ev'ry morning just at nine. Hit her foot against a splinter, fell into the foaming brine. Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling, Clementine. Thou art lost and gone forever. Dreadful sorry, Clementine. Ruby lips above the water, blowing bubbles soft and fine. But, alas, I was no swimmer, so I lost my Clementine."_

Zak stopped humming, feeling suddenly very connected to the song. A little sadness even touched him.

Alyssa kept singing without his harmony. "_Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling, Clementine. Thou art lost and gone forever. Dreadful sorry, Clementine. How I missed her, how I missed her, how I missed my Clementine. But I kissed her little sister, I forgot my Clementine. Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine. Thou art lost and gone forever. Dreadful sorry, Clementine. In a churchyard on a hillside, where the flowers grow and twine, there grow roses amongst the posies, flowers for my Clementine."_

The air felt thick when she stopped singing. For an old folksong, Zak felt oddly unnerved. Those country songs are old. Who knows what events inspired that song? As a city kid, they never heard things like that. It was historical and sarcastic and still a little bit sad all at once.

"There are different versions," Alyssa said. She shifted onto her side so that her back was to Zak. "That's the one my mother always sang."

"Not really a song for kids," he observed.

"Maybe not for you city-slickers. You grow up slow. Wait too long to learn the facts of life. It's just a silly song."

"Not a child's brand of silly."

Shrugging while lying on your side isn't always easy, but she did it anyway. "The last time my mother sang it to me was when we were in the hospital after I crashed the plane."

"What did you say?"

There was no answer.

"Crashed what plane? Alyssa, you crashed a plane?"

But it was too late. She was out like a light. Zak was left to wonder what she had been referencing. She had built several ships in her career. As far as he knew, she hadn't flown any of them. Doubt settled over him. If he hadn't known she lived on a farm until a few hours ago, anything was possible. He couldn't really say that she'd never piloted anything before. Not with confidence at least. If she had a pilot's license, Zak was sure he'd have heard about it at work. Of course, not having the proper paperwork rarely stopped people from doing what they wanted to do. It was possible she was talking about a remote controlled plane. However, the chances that she had flown the drone right into herself, or near enough to cause a trip to the hospital, were slim to none. It can't have been too serious. She walked around in her bra all the time and there was never a telling scar visible, attracting anyone's attention. Not that Zak made a habit of checking her out when she was dressed like that. He supposed the only thing for it would be to ask her about it later. No use trying to wake her. The only thing harder to wake up than a person that hasn't slept in a few days would be a drunk person that hadn't slept in a few days.

So he hopped off of the table and decided that the brass would be happy to see that he was reporting back success earlier than expected. Through the hatch he went, humming that sad, sarcastic tune all the while.

It was just two hours later, not ten, that the slamming of the hatch woke Lee from a shallow slumber. He wasn't totally convinced that he was awake, because the first thing that registered in his brain was a longing to go see his father. If this were reality, that certainly wouldn't be what he wanted. When he crawled to his feet and went caroming into a locker, the pain of it was enough to convince him that he really was awake. Alyssa's voice stirred in his head, telling him that if he wanted to make a room dance, then he should make the room dance. So he let his feet carry him to the commander's quarters before his brain let any voices out of the fog to talk him out of it. His first taps on the door were softer than a baby's butt. After a moment, he put some real force to it. As the seconds ticked by, it occurred to Lee that he had come straight here after waking up; hair a mess, six days' worth of stubble-turned-almost-beard on his face, wrinkles in the uniform that he'd just been sleeping in, and, in all likelihood, alcohol on his breath. He wasn't even sure what he wanted to say. Then he remembered Alyssa at the bar and how she moved without planning anything in advance. As much as that was against his normal philosophy, Lee decided that he could try to be the Man Without A Plan for once.

Two more seconds and his confidence was shaking. Perhaps it wasn't too late to turn around and go back to bed. For all he knew, the commander wasn't even in there and it would be like this had never almost happened. His body had tensed, ready to spin him around the other way, when the hatch opened and the regal Commander Adama stood on the other side dressed to the nines. Obviously, he had been hurrying around trying to make himself look presentable and full of authority. That was why it had taken him so long to answer Lee's knocks. He couldn't think of any other reason why his father would allow anyone to see him standing there when he had missed a button on his uniform.

"Captain," Bill said with unhidden surprise. He took at the other's unkempt appearance. Fortunately, he didn't catch the scent of alcohol. "Captain Thrace reported that-"

Lee interrupted, "Actually, Commander, I came to see if I could speak with my father."

Bill smiled at the small attempt at humor. Stepping back from the doorway, he said, "Come on in, son."

Only a microscopic amount of hesitation was present. Lee stepped over the threshold and sat down on the curved sofa. He was grateful that his father kept his distance and settled himself at his desk.

"What did you want to see me about?" Bill asked tentatively when neither said anything for a while.

Lee looked around the room without really seeing it. Finally, he looked right at Bill and felt nothing but calm and fog in his head. "Well, Dad, there are _a lot_ of things I need to tell you."

* * *

Note:

A lot of the songs mentioned in this chapter make references to U.S. geography and cities. I realized this, but put them in there anyway. I hope that doesn't bother any of you. Just pretend there are cities or regions with same names in the Colonies if it does your head in. Go with the flow, you know?

I envisioned the songs being sung in the style of the performer(s) as follows: 'Livin' on a Prayer' as performed by Bon Jovi; 'Tessie' as performed by Dropkick Murphys; 'Don't Stop Believing' as performed by Journey (which should only be allowed to be sung by Steve Perry himself or by a room full of drunk people); 'Your Love' as performed by The Outfield; 'Dancing Queen' as performed by ABBA; 'Take Me Home, Country Roads' as performed by John Denver; 'Uptown Girl' as performed by Billy Joel. I do not know the author/composer of 'Oh My Darling, Clementine' since it is so old and has several alternate versions. If you've never heard it, there's a nice version sung by The Sweptaways that shows up near the top of any search under the song title. If you're interested, of course. The songs are all support to the 'atmosphere' of the chapter, but are by no means necessary to listen to. There are no secret messages or subtexts in them. I have a growing collection of songs I listen to that fit the moods of what I write here. It's like a soundtrack for the story, if you will. I would encourage other writers to do this (assuming you don't have problem focusing while music is playing).

Fun fact: This whole story you're reading was inspired by an idea that I had while listening to 'Uptown Girl.' If you're enjoying this, thank Billy Joel for writing that wonderful song.

Unending thanks for making it this far and having patience with me.

Cheers,

E.R.


	8. Sloom

Bill was bewildered. Baffled. Befuddled. Bumbling. Anyway you put it, he was confused and was taken off guard. Mostly, he wanted to know why Lee had decided _now_ was the opportune time to show up and tell him things. He was not so mixed up that he asked that question aloud, though. This was what he had wanted all this time: a chance to_ really_ talk to his son. It was best not to question the circumstances right now. Gods knew the trance would be broken and Lee would run screaming from the room. All that aside, Bill didn't know what to say to his son's pronouncement. It didn't look like the younger knew what came next either. Lee was tapping his fingers and looking like he was thinking very quickly.

He stood up, and Bill was sure he was going to leave. Not so. Instead, Lee unbuttoned his uniform and pulled off the jacket. He held his arms out so that Bill could see the scars running down both of them, thrown into relief from the harsh lighting of the Battlestar. The strange texture was partially covered across his chest, but the way it shined made it all too noticeable. It looked tight; the scar tissue making a permanent mold of the damage that had happened there.

"The chemical burn," Bill said. It wasn't a question.

Lee nodded. "Caustic soda. Before I say anything, I want you to know that I can't tell you everything. If that makes sense."

"Vague, but I know what you mean."

"I don't think you've ever seen what was really happening in that house. Well, this is it. You let this happen when you left without ever looking back. I don't hate you. I don't think I ever did. But I was mad at you. I still am. But I want to get over it, and I think you do, too."

"I do."

"Okay. The reason I didn't do this sooner is a little complicated. I felt really betrayed when you finally came back and defended Mother. You didn't know what was going on and you didn't bother to find out. I know. You were trying to get through to the upper ranks and you didn't need a stupid kid making you look bad. I get it. But it still wasn't right for you to put your reputation above the rest of us."

"Believe me, son; I realized this error a long time ago and have been reaping the consequence ever since. There are a lot of things I regret. You have no idea how sorry I am." He didn't want to say too much and break the magic of the moment.

Lee gripped his left wrist, where the scarring was heaviest, and rotated the joint. Bill tried to avert his eyes from the sight of the imperfect flesh. "At the time, I thought you were less than shit. We've never gotten along, but I thought you would at least hear me out before acting righteous. But you didn't, and that hurt. I never wanted to be emancipated. What I wanted was for you to come back and fix everything. But your track record told me that wasn't going to happen, so that's why I did it. You made me so mad, and I felt so betrayed that I couldn't talk to you. I really wanted you to care. But you never did. That made me think that I really had done something wrong. Between the time of the emancipation and when you finally came back, I was spending a lot of time thinking that it all must have been my fault. Grandfather always told me it wasn't, and he was right. It was Mother's fault. And it was yours, too."

"I think I understand."

"I don't want to get into too many details, but I had a hard time living on my own. You probably know that I wasn't living in the best of neighborhoods. I'm not proud of it, but while I was living there I used the resources that were available to me. What I mean by that is: I was having such a hard time and having all of these awful flashbacks, that I didn't mind buying drugs from the other tenants. They didn't help, of course. If anything, they made it worse. In a roundabout way, Grandfather Joseph kind of found out that all wasn't right. He never knew about the illegal drugs I was buying, but he knew I was struggling. He took me to see someone, and I was diagnosed with depression. The episodes could get pretty severe. That was why I wasn't at Grandfather Joseph's funeral. I was in the hospital because of an episode that his death induced. You should probably know that I was medicated for it. I stopped the illegal drugs after the diagnosis, of course. It was all prescription since then. As of a week ago, I have been off all drugs."

"You've been on antidepressants?" He wanted to be clear.

"And something for anxiety." There was a third, but that was a story for another day. "I didn't take them regularly. Only when things started to get bad, which wasn't very often." Lee gave it a second thought and decided to add, "But it was often enough."

"There wasn't anything about medication in your military file," was all Bill could think to say.

"Don't ask, don't tell, right?" He swayed on his feet, still gripping his wrist.

Bill, afraid that his son was about to pass out, jumped up and went to steady him. His hands were an inch away from Lee's skin when he stopped himself. Remember the last time he'd touched him? Bill didn't want to do anymore damage, but he couldn't very well have Lee pass out on the floor either. Pushing all his doubts away, the tiny distance was closed and the commander guided his son back down onto the sofa. He hated the way the scars felt under his hands, but he made a valiant effort to hide his discomfort. Standing before him, Bill noticed how haggard Lee looked, and asked, "Everything okay?"

The answer was a vigorous shake of the head. "Yeah. I'm just tired like everyone else. I wanted to tell you this first. I _need _to tell you this first."

As much as he wanted to hear it, Bill didn't want to cause anymore health hazards. His brain was still trying to sort out his feelings about the news that he had a former drug abuser and diagnosed depressive for a son. Lee continued on before he could put a good thought together.

"The thing is, it's getting harder to stay focused around here and I think it's because of you. Being so close to you is forcing a reaction out of me that isn't going to be good for anyone. I've dealt with this for years now, but you're really making it difficult to keep in check. Every time I see you or when someone says your name, I'm reminded of all those times when you just left me there at her mercy and when you told me it was wrong to stop her before it got worse. I can practically _feel_ you slapping me constantly. I know Mother was the one that did the heavy lifting, but you need to know that I don't trust you anymore than I did her. I expected it from her, but when you did it…I knew you didn't like me, but I thought I could have counted on you not to do that too. She may have hit me, but it was you that dealt the fatal blow when you didn't even hear me out. _You_ were the one that cast me out of the family. That hurt more than anything Mother's ever done to me. I really needed you after the emancipation. I needed a family, a place to belong, and guidance, and you denied me all of that. You're a big part of the reason I'm like this. I'm not trying to pick a fight, but you haven't given me much of a reason to want to reconcile in the past."

There was no denying or refuting any of that, Bill knew. Over the past week he had been gaining enlightenment on the subject of his family of yesteryear. Suffice it to say that everything he had realized in the past seven days was nothing compared to the light that Lee had just shined on the subject in less than two minutes. Bill was blinded by the realizations that hit him. Clearly, he hadn't been thinking about it deeply enough. Dully, he heard himself say, "I didn't realize…"

Lee pulled his jacket back on, and Bill was relieved to be rid of the sight. He knew that iti was the result of a single incident, but he couldn't help but think of the ghosts that must have been born from it. What was really eating at him the most was the fact that he was responsible, at least in part, for Lee's depression. Just the thought of mental illness made Bill feel uncomfortable. He couldn't understand it, not fully. And anyone who has never experienced it can really, truly sympathize. He tried to comfort himself with the knowledge that depression wasn't so bad. Hell, people complained about it all the time. If that many people can say they have it, then it can't be dangerous or over-debilitating. The close tabs Bill had been keeping on Lee's military career had never mentioned anything about medical restrictions or hospitalizations. He knew that should have felt like reassurance, but it really only served to make him more apprehensive. Indeed, he wondered what sort of outfit the Colonial Forces were running when they don't even realize that their recruits have a history of mental instability. Lee was very good at hiding things. Who's to say this wasn't another one of those things?

After some time thinking, Bill finally had something to say that was totally truthful. "I wish you would have told me all of this sooner, son."

"I wanted to. I just couldn't."

Nodding knowingly, he said, "I know what you mean. I wanted so badly to sit you down and force us to get over whatever had come between us."

Suddenly looking several years younger, Lee asked, "Why didn't you?"

Bill chuckled lightly. "Firstly, because your brother wouldn't tell me where you lived. Something about not wanting me to go over there and yell at you some more. Zak got really defensive about anything that concerned you after the emancipation. No one could speak a word against you without him jumping down their throat. Your grandfather had Zak see a psychologist after you left. Just to see how he was getting on with the new living situation, and how living with Carolanne had affected him. With my consent, of course. They said he was suspiciously well-adjusted, if not a little introverted. More durable than a cockroach, that one." Both of them smiled as they thought of the third. "But, you know, after a while, I calmed down and tried to look at the situation more objectively. When your grandfather died, I was ready to hear what you had to say. He was the last connection I had to keep up with you. Your grandfather always let us know how you were, what you were doing. Never anything specific, but enough to keep Carolanne and I convinced you weren't on the verge of death."

"But you were furious with me when I wasn't at Grandfather Joseph's funeral."

"I was. Not just because you had skipped out, but more because I no longer had any way to keep tabs on you. I was worried about you. Never would have admitted it since I had made such a big stink about never wanting to see your face again. I think we both said some things we didn't mean. You're right. I was being very selfish. I knew what was going on in that house and I didn't do anything to stop it. I would pay any price if I could go back and fix it. If there is anything I can do to even begin making it up to you, just say the word. I may have never acknowledged it, but the whole time you were gone there was a part of me that unceasingly worried about what could have happened to you. And now that I know you were in some deep shit, I'm kicking myself even harder for not acting on those feelings. Perhaps I didn't show my concern in a very helpful manner when you were still around."

Lee almost laughed a little; a light airy sound in his chest. "You don't say."

"To be honest," Bill said, "I was expecting a call from you any day after I had heard about your wings. Never admitted it to Zak, but I was really proud that day. Looked like you hadn't turned out so bad after all. I think that was when I realized that you were doing fine on your own, and I didn't want to screw things up for you. If you were able to build a solid life after when Carolanne and I did to you, then you deserved to have your space. Figured that you would contact me if you wanted to reconcile. I will admit that I got bitter and a little hurt when the years went on and there still wasn't a word from you. That certainly didn't help things between us."

"I meant to talk to you then," Lee said quietly. "It was a lot harder than you'd think. There was a lot I needed to sort out. It's still not sorted out, and I don't know if it ever will be. But I want you to know that I'm trying. Right now my instincts are telling me to get up and get as far away from you as possible."

"Yeah, I got that feeling."

Again, that airy sound in his chest. "I'm tired of being this way. The resignation from CAG was nothing against you. It was only because I can't be responsible for anyone else until I know I can sort myself out. I don't know if I can ever be around you without wanting to run away, but I'll never know if I don't try to fix it. Things didn't turn to shit until after we had that big fight, so I figured that going to the last person I had contact with before being diagnosed might be a good place to start. I'm trying. We may only be Commander and Captain from here on out, and not father and son. But I'm trying. I can still fly and perform my duties. It'll probably be better if I have something to keep my mind busy. I need things to keep me from thinking too much."

Bill got the distinct feeling that there was more to this picture than he was seeing. Some detail was being left out. Indeed, Lee had told him at the beginning that he wouldn't reveal all his cards at once. Bill could handle that. He wasn't going to force anything when he had just got his oldest talking to him again. He didn't know how to put it into words, but he felt like telling Lee that he shouldn't have to do all this on his own. It was, after all, Bill's fault that he was so screwy. The son shouldn't have to suffer indefinitely for the father's sins. But that is the way of life for humans. The crosses that children bear are usually created by their parents. As childish as it sounded, all Bill could think was that it wasn't fair. Was there more Lee could have done all those years ago? Sure, of course. But Bill was beginning to realize that all of those alternatives would have led to an ending similar to the one Lee had chosen. An old memory of Joseph telling Bill that he wanted to assume guardianship of both of Bill's sons (when Bill had finally been made aware of Lee's emancipation) echoed in his brain. Joseph had tried to reason that it wasn't too late for Lee to recant his declaration of emancipation and agree to live with his grandfather. Zak could be signed over to the old man, too, if Bill signed the forms saying that it was in both boys' best interest. As it was, that never came to pass. Suddenly, a thousand 'what ifs' were flooding his head. What if Lee had recanted? In that instance, the case would have been reexamined, and Carolanne would have most definitely lost custody of both children. What if that had happened? What if Bill had just signed those frakking papers? What if he'd listened to the whole story instead of flying in with fangs bared, ready to rip the jugular out of the person that dared question his impeccable record as a father? What if Joseph had raised the boys? Would Lee be different? Would he still flinch at the thought of Bill touching him? Would he be depressed? Would he have become a pilot? The important question, if hypothetical questions of the past can be important, was: Would that have been in Lee, as well as Zak's, best interest? Something told him that the answer was, without a doubt: Yes, it would have been better for them.

Feeling they were on stable ground, Bill tentatively asked, "What brought all of this on? If you don't mind my asking. Why now?"

Lee smiled genuinely at him. "Might be sleep deprivation. Or the drinks I had a few hours ago."

"Ah," Bill laughed delicately. "Liquid courage."

"Blowing up the _Olympic Carrier_ certainly didn't help anything."

He had completely forgotten that. Or, more accurately, he had chosen to ignore it. It came roaring back into his brain now. "I gave the order. That's not on you."

"There were people on board," Lee said simply.

That was news to Bill. As far as he knew, the ship had been devoid of passengers. Now that he gave it a full thought, it wasn't like the Cylons to evacuate a ship before sending it on its merry way with nukes. "Don't think about it."

"Yeah, because that's worked for me before."

Not two minutes after Lee told him that he was struggling with a depressive episode, and Bill was giving him bullshit advice. What he wanted to say was along the military vein of tough love. Something told him that that particular method wouldn't work in this case. But what else does a military man say if not something he'd learned in the military? So he tried to sand off some of the roughness, and asked, "What do you think you could have done differently?"  
The question seemed to baffle Lee. From the look on his face, you'd have thought that he'd never considered it before. "I don't think there's anything else I could have done."

"Then what's holding you up?"

"I honestly don't know. Logically, it was the only way out of that situation. I know that. That doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with the fact that I killed all those people."

"Hey." Bill took a bold gamble when he put a hand on his shoulder. Lee stared at the hand for a long time before finally looking at the face of its owner. "There are thousands of people you saved, too. Your brother, the president, and forty-five thousand others or whatever the number is now. Everyone has to make tough decisions and they usually stay with you for a long time. You'll never make it through a war if you think about all the ones you lose. The only thing that will keep you sane is thinking of all those you're saving. And, hey, you can't get them all. Give it time, but not too much time."

"I don't suppose you have a short-term solution for right now?"

He shook his head in the negative. "Maybe you should sleep on it. You did what you had to. Your brain will catch up with what your body did to survive. It always does."

"That sounds really weird coming out of your mouth."

"Consider it another thing your brain has to get accustomed to now." Checking the clock on the wall, Bill decided they should save the rest of this conversation for later. After all, baby steps were the best option. Lee wasn't going to tell him everything right now. No doubt, they were in for some rougher conversations in the future. So, switch tones, he said, "While I have you here, do you think you could sign off on the last few pieces of paperwork I have from your stint as CAG?"

Lee was rubbing his eyes in his hands during all of this, and his response saying that he could certainly scribble something that looked like his name on some papers sounded hardly intelligible. The commander dropped the offending sheaf of paper beside him.

"I've got to run to CIC. It shouldn't take more than a minute," Bill said.

The remark was met with a grunt of acknowledgement. Lee evidently revised that thought, and said, "There's more I need to tell you. I feel like I've barely scratched the surface of all the things I need to say to you. Can I come back sometime, after I've figured out where I stand with all of this?"

Immense quantities of elation and sorrow flooded Bill's mind at the same instant. He smiled in the end. "You can come back whenever you're ready."

"Good."

Just wanting to hear verbal confirmation before he left or woke up to realize this was all a dream, Bill asked, "We're okay?"

"We're working on it," Lee amended.

_Bill walked through the long room, fighting the crowds of other kids and their parents sopping up the interactive exhibits. He couldn't believe how good Joseph's ideas always seemed and how they always managed to turn out complete disasters. That would be a selfish summary, of course. Bill wholeheartedly believed this was a disaster. Zak, on the other hand, was flitting around from place to place, eager to learn all about how cool science was, or so the brochure advertised. Clearly, he was enjoying it. It was harder to say how Lee was feeling about it. Sometimes he'd follow his little brother around the stations and other times he stood next to the sign pointing guests on to the next exhibit, eager to move on from wherever they were. _

_ Eventually, the three of them circled through one loop of the science museum back to the main hall with several corridors that led to different exhibits. Their next destination was the physics hall. This was decided by Zak, who went streaking across the shining floor toward the trampoline that was intended to demonstrate opposite reactions and elasticity. Bill chuckled quietly to himself when Lee called after his brother, telling him not to run inside. His nine year old son was acting like Joseph. The two of them trailed after Zak and sat on a bench just inside the physics hall and watched the youngest whip his shoes off and enter the 'Equal Forces Zone.'_

_ "What's the matter, huh?" Bill asked. They'd been sitting in silence for a while and he was a little bit curious as to why Lee wasn't interested in the trampoline. Wouldn't most nine year olds go wild for a huge room that had not only trampoline floors, but also had a perimeter that was lined with the things as well? _

_ "What do you mean?"_

_ "Don't you like the museum?"_

_ "Yeah, I guess. It's okay. Zak likes it."_

_ "I know Zak likes it. I want to know if you do."_

_ He shrugged. "Did Grandpa tell you to take us here?"_

_ As a matter of fact, Joseph had told Bill to take the boys here weeks before Bill was even supposed to go on leave. He hadn't questioned why the science museum was such an important trip, but it had sounded like as good a way to spend the day with your kids than anything Bill would have thought of on his own. "He did."_

_ "Figures. We were at his house a few weeks ago and Zak made a tower out of all of Grandpa's toothpicks and marshmallows. He wasn't even mad. He thought it was funny. Grandpa said Zak's going to be a scientist. I told him that was wrong because we're both going to be Viper pilots like you."_

_ "A scientist, huh? I guess we'll just have to kick him out if that happens." He winked at him. "What do you think?"_

_ Lee shook his head. "I'll still like him if he's a scientist. I'll like Zak no matter what he is. I'll still be a pilot no matter what. If he's a scientist, you'll still have me. Vipers can just be our thing."_

_ Times where the two of them were on the same page were few and far between. Bill wished there were more times like this with Lee. He couldn't help but notice that his oldest was much more amicable when he was out of the house. Indeed, things looked brighter when none of them were cooped up there. The one good thing about being on leave was the fact that Bill got to take the kids away from there, even if it was only for a few hours. To be sure, there were about thousand other things he'd rather be doing on his time off instead of hanging out at a nerdy museum for nerdy kids to get a head start on their careers as nerds. But he hadn't even told Carolanne and the kids about his last time on leave. He had spent the whole time in the company of his own friends in a pub, just having a good time. Guilt over that fueled the engine for this miserable experience today. It's not like the kids got leave so they could go to a pub and be away from the daily grind of living with their mother. _

_ "Lee, I don't think you and I have ever had a thing."_

_ "I know. That's why it won't be so bad if Zak becomes a scientist. As long as you don't kick him out. I wouldn't want him to leave."_

_ "I remember that it wasn't so long ago that you hated having a little brother."_

_ "Da-ad," he said, turning it into a two-syllable word. "That was a long time ago. Zak's a lot better now that he doesn't cry all the time and poop in his pants. I think I would be lonely if he wasn't here. He's not so bad."_

_ "Just imagine how things would have been if Zak was a girl. That's what your mother wanted."_

_ Lee made a face. "I don't want a sister. Girls are dumb."_

_ "Why would you say something like that?"_

_ "All the girls at school just whine and color pictures of horses. They don't do anything fun. None of them are any good at pyramid, either."_

_ "There are girls that fly Vipers."_

_ His son looked at him with eyes as wide as saucers. It was as if the thought had never occurred to him. "Really?"_

_ "Of course. They're just as good as anyone. Sometimes the officers say they're better at flying because all the people like you think they're dumb, so they have to work harder and be better to prove them wrong."_

_ "I didn't know that. Will a girl be better at flying than I am?"_

_ Bill laughed loudly and the sound echoed a little in the cavernous hall. "By the time you start flying, there's no doubt in my mind that there will be plenty of girls that are better than you."_

_ "That won't happen. I'm going to be the best Viper pilot ever. No girl is going to be better than me."_

_ "It's okay if you want to be the best, but it may be wiser not to look at the other pilots in terms of boys and girls. Really look at how they fly regardless of their gender."_

_ "Fine. But no girl is going to be better than I am," he said stubbornly. _

_ "The more you say it, the more I think there's going to be that one amazing girl that you can never beat. You're tempting fate, son. You'll compete with her your entire career. The two of you will probably get married."_

_ Lee made his scrunched up face again and Bill laughed. "If there was any girl better than me, I would never _marry_ her. I'd beat her up."_

_ "You'd beat up a girl?"_

_ "Didn't you just say that I should treat girls just the boys?"_

_ Perhaps there was some joy to be found in this parenting thing after all, Bill thought as he mussed his son's hair. If kids said things like that all the time, he couldn't imagine ever having a dull moment. Talking to kids about topics they didn't fully understand was quite entertaining, if not a little enlightening. Not knowing the social conventions for certain situations resulted in some very canny solutions to problems. _

_ They watched Zak throw himself into the wall after taking a running start. The trampoline bounced him backwards with equal force, sending him laughing and bouncing onto the trampoline floor. In Bill was being honest, he would say that it looked like fun. He wouldn't mind giving it a try himself. If a grown man was thinking these things, he couldn't figure out why Lee hadn't joined in by now. _

_ "Don't you want to join your brother?" he asked leadingly. _

_ Lee shook his head. "My stomach hurts. Maybe some other time. They're just trampolines."_

_ Just trampolines that had trampoline walls, Bill thought. He didn't say so. Instead, he said, "Have you eaten anything today? Are you hungry?"_

_ "No. I just got sick last night and I don't think it's gone away yet."_

_ "Got sick how?" Bill gently probed. _

_ "Threw up."_

_ "How are you feeling now?"_

_ "Fine. Just sometimes my stomach hurts and my throat is sore. I think the cleaning gave me a cough."_

_ "What?" He was going to need more elaboration._

_ "Mother wanted me to clean the bathroom but she accidentally mixed the wrong cleaners. The smell kind of made me feel bad and I threw up. When I opened the window and dumped the bucket in the bathtub, I felt better. I was coughing a lot this morning. The cleaning gave me a cough. Mother was mad that I didn't clean the bathroom especially since I threw up in there," he added the last bit as an afterthought. _

_ Sensing that Carolanne was up to no good, Bill asked, "What did she mix on accident?"_

_ "I don't know. It's the second time she did it, though. That's how I knew what to do after I threw up. From the first time."_

_ "And you're feeling okay now?"_

_ "Yeah. I'm sure it'll go away."_

_ Lowering his voice to let Lee know how serious he was, he said, "If that ever happens again, you call Grandfather Joseph and ask him if you and Zak can stay with him. When you're with him, have him call me and let me know."_

_ "Why?"_

_ What he wanted to say was 'because your mother is trying to poison you with ammonia and bleach' but he didn't want to alarm the kid. He couldn't say that with certainty, obviously, but it wasn't too far a stretch of the imagination to reach that conclusion. It was still possible that she had committed the same potentially fatal 'accident' twice. Carolanne was capable of just about anything. The answer he gave was, "We don't want you or Zak to get sick on accident again. You can have Grandpa explain how to do right to Mother."_

_ Lee accepted that explanation with a shrug of his little shoulders. "How much longer do we have to stay here?"_

_ "Ask your brother."_

_ "He's playing all by himself. He can't be in there much longer bouncing around all alone." Perhaps to illustrate why it couldn't be him to join Zak's company, Lee let loose a series of wheezy coughs. _

_ "Let's give him a little more time. How often does he get to have that much fun?"_

_ "I guess you're right." He leaned his head against Bill's arm. "Is there a place in here where they have planes?"_

_ "As a matter of fact, there is."_

_ "Can we go there next?"_

_ "Sure. I think it's your turn to pick since Zak's picked the last seven."_

_ When the youngest finally did slink away from Equal Forces Zone, it was with several looks over his shoulder. Bill shuttered when he announced how cool he thought physics was and how much he couldn't wait to learn more about it if it was all as fun as jumping on trampolines. The three of them made their way through the long corridor filled with physics fun. Bill tried to hurry Zak along but was met with some resistance since the kid seemed to find everything so interesting. At the very least, other parents were giving them a wide radius to move around with since Lee happened to be coughing a lot as they went along. It was silly to think walking a little farther away would stop a virus from spreading. It was even more ridiculous to Bill since he knew Lee was not suffering from any type of germ-induced cough. No, his lungs had just been irritated by poisonous fumes. They would hear no complaints from Bill, though. He used Lee's crowd-parting mechanism to push Zak through the wonderful hall of physics, despite the kid's best resistance. As soon as they reemerged back in the main hall, Bill announced that their last stop would be in the aviation and aerospace exhibit. Zak's pouty face from being rushed through physics vanished at the mention of planes and fast, dangerous spacecraft. Deep down in the basement of his heart, Bill thought he felt a sense of pride while watching his boys pretend to fly the antique model planes. Those two vessels were his flesh and blood, a combat against time that threatened to push his unique genetics out of existence. No, for now Bill Adama could live for another generation through his children. _

About a week ago, this would be the time of day that Kara would be settling down to kick some ass in a card game. They'd be throwing bets and making wagers with reckless abandon. While alcohol was the preferred currency, most anything else was still accepted. The pilots' rec room would be smoky and crowded. If you were lucky, you could haggle some of whatever food Helo had captured with a slight of hand from the mess hall. But no longer. Besides the fact that Helo was all but confirmed dead, this was not possible for her anymore because of her responsibilities as CAG. There was no doubt that she had seriously underestimated the amount of writing and sitting around that was involved. How stupid of her. All that time before she had taken for granted the CAP schedule and the roster for maintenance shifts. When you actually had to come up with that shit, and make it good, efficient shit, Kara was floundering.

The first solution she thought of for this problem was to go ask Lee for some guidance on how to get started. She had definitely put a Band-Aid on the problem of CAP schedules and maintenance for now, but she'd be really frakked if she didn't figure out a more permanent set up. Half of her pilots were still trying to recover from their lack of sleep anyway. It was no secret that she specialized in doling out tough love, but you couldn't be that neglecting when you had a beast to control for the long-term. Sure, she could tell them to just be tired and get over it. But that was not a far-reaching solution. If she told them to just feel tired indefinitely, gods knew there would be a full-scale revolt on the ship. She wasn't a politician, but was it still possible for those who worked under her to petition for her removal?

That, of course, would be another good question for the politically-minded Apollo. Kara would be damned before she went crawling to him for advice. Not only for her pride's sake, but because she had been so high-and-mighty when she boasted about her ability to be a leader. She'd look a complete idiot if she went back on all the wind she'd been blowing and had to ask him help her write a flight schedule. Zak was her second thought, but what did he know about anything? He fiddled around with weapons or whatever. None of that would be terribly helpful for anything the CAG had to do right now. Then again, Kara didn't really know exactly what Zak did. He'd told her that he worked in weapon systems engineering, whatever that included, and he collaborated with the Viper-engineers on a lot of projects (she didn't know the long, impressive name for the people who designed Vipers and, frankly, didn't care). To her, it sounded like a lot of scribbling little drawings on paper. Perhaps he'd be better at helping than she previously thought. Kara was smart; she could figure out a schedule.

But it kept on eluding her, so she threw the pages away from her and grunted inelegantly. Pushing back from the desk, she put her feet up on its edge as heavily as she could. Scuffing up the desk wouldn't make things any easier, but she was already feeling better by being mildly destructive. The disruption of her usual routine ended up taking the blame for her mental block. She had enough experience to know that, in this mood, nothing was going to get done. And if that's true, then there was no point sitting in here being miserable. That was the reasoning that convinced her that the only thing for it was to go for a run.

So that's what she did.

If only she'd gotten to run all of her frustrations out. No, only halfway through her circuit she was stopped by Zak. He needn't have said anything to her and she didn't need to yell any expletives in response, but that was exactly what she did. Kara needed no other reminder but to see him in his dress greys to have the fact that they were playing host the president's party in fifteen minutes and her presence was required fall into her head. Letting loose a primal grunt, she spun away from him and jogged back down the way she came. It was with unnecessary force that she shoved open the hatch to the officer's quarters. The underlings looked at her with wide eyes and sly grins. Of course, it was no secret that she wasn't quite settled in yet. Cripes, this was only her second day! Her frustration may have shown when she stomped over to her locker and wretched the door open so that it banged against the racks.

"What's the rush?" Lee asked from his rack. He knew very much what the rush was, but was finding his demotion very satisfying when Kara squirmed like this.

"Shut up," she growled.

"Don't be talking like that to the president. You have to show some respect. Be professional, sir."

"Don't you have things to do?"

"Well, you've grounded me because of my 'disorderly, drunken behavior' so, no. I've already done some maintenance, so my day is wide open."

It was true that Kara's official reason for revoking Lee's flight status was disciplinary. The day before, the commander had summoned her to an empty room off CIC to discuss the former CAG with her. Her jaw had almost dropped when he told her that Lee had been to see him and told him some discerning facts. She was inwardly quite hurt that Lee had never told _her_ about the nonprescription-but-still-illegal drugs he'd taken, however brief the habit had been. It didn't take a detective to realize that Commander Adama had only heard the first installment of the woeful tale of his son. The two of them had left far too many gaps and holes in their first conversation in a decade to be satisfactory. Perhaps she shouldn't be complaining, though, since they had at least set the table for the courses to come. After all, you have to get the players to agree to play the game before you can start to roll the dice. All that la-la-good-stuff-let's-hug bullshit aside, Kara was astounded to hear that the commander wanted her to leave him on the roster and in the flight rotation, after her punishment-grounding had reached its end, of course. He had said all of this like it was the coolest logic any man could have come up with.

In her experience, Kara was never grounded for more than three days after being disorderly or drunk. So she was expected to let Lee fly around with nothing but air in his head in two days. One and a half, really. It was too much to hope that he would get drunk again and she could pin him for something. When the commander had expressed an order (i.e. "let Apollo fly in one and half days") there wasn't much she could do to stop it. Of course it went against her better judgment. She felt it safer to stuff Zak in a cockpit than it was to put Lee back in.

Though the time elapsed had been small, Kara had to admit that Lee was looking, and acting, much better. She couldn't recall ever seeing him act so natural. That reasonability was another thing that made her worry. People didn't act like that unless something was wrong. But the word of the commander is law, so what's a CAG to do, really? She'd have to put him back in. Lee had promised her a thousand times over that he was good enough to fly CAP (pointing out the lack of combat they'd encountered lately). A crazy person could handle piloting a cruise. Besides, he had reasoned, there would be two other crafts with him. It wasn't like he was alone out there like an idiot. The new, enthusiastic support for his father's decision was another thing Kara felt was a cause for worry. How she longed to have heard what went on in there to have made the two of them so chummy with each other (while still not having any idea what was truly going on with the other). She had heard many complaints that Lee had about his father in the past, and it did her head in to have him tell her how much he supported and agreed with the old man now.

How she longed for the days when Lee wasn't making her Battlestar so complicated. It was exhausting being so worried all the time. When had Kara turned into such a mother hen for frak's sake? Perhaps putting on some floppy ears and following the script of military protocol for the president would do her some good. Dressed in a flash, she bounded out the hatch and down the long curving corridors that would take her to CIC.

_As it was his first real project, Zak was understandably nervous. He'd heard that he was being assigned the task along with another relatively new engineer. When he'd heard that his partner was a Captain, he began asking the other people in his lab if they'd ever heard of Captain Windsor (as they were all more experienced than he was). The other WST engineers assured him that they had, in fact heard of the captain. It would appear that he was the youngest engineer to ever be accepted into CE-C and then be promoted all the way up the ranks to captain. _

_ When he'd heard the news, Zak was already dreading the assignment. No doubt Captain Windsor was one of those guys that fancies himself the smartest thing to walk the surface. The thought of working long hours with someone admiring their own brilliance was bad enough. He was beginning to wish that his superiors hadn't liked his 'senior project' as much as they did. (It was the project that confirmed his admittance to CE-C. They had liked it so much that they wanted him to start building prototypes and models with this Captain Windsor.) There was also the worse possibility that his new partner could be the dorky kind of engineer that won't ever look anyone else in the eye because he's so nervous and afraid of social interaction. _

_ All this amounted to a heaviness on his shoulders when he knocked on the door that was marked as the lab of Captain Windsor. From the observation window, Zak could see that the space was huge and, at the moment, being occupied by a very odd-looking small spacecraft. He was so enthralled with the interesting sight that he was surprised when the door opened._

_ "Hey, come on in," the girl that answered the door said. _

_ He followed her meekly. As far as Zak knew, none of the engineers had assistants. Not the captains, anyway. The majors or admirals might. Zak didn't know. He'd never been in contact with one enough to really know. Because that's who this girl must be, an assistant. No one in their right mind would show up to the CE-C labs in a green dress that must have been all the rage sixty years ago. Zak had taken it upon himself to meet as many people as he could when he began studying weapon systems technology, and he had never seen this girl before, nor had he ever seen this Captain Windsor either. He must really know how to swing things in his favor if they let him have this lab assistant. _

_ The girl led him over to a desk that supported a multi-monitored computer system. There was a drafting table behind this desk and another, more orthogonal table on a third side (arranged so that the wheeled chair may glide easily among the stations). She pulled a second over to the set up and said, "You can sit down if you want to."_

_ Since she had offered so warmly, Zak took his seat. The girl sat in the seat in the middle of the stations. _

_ "They sent over some of your designs from the initial project proposal. I was hoping that you brought all the original sketches with you."_

_ "I have," Zak said warily. What was she playing at? Did Captain Windsor have her out here like a secretary to make him wait? Was Zak supposed to really feel how valuable this man's time was? _

_ "Well, slap them out then," the girl said, not noticing any of his trepidation. She was obviously an old pro at making her boss's associates fidgety. "Always prefer the original sketches to that pixel-y stuff they send on the computer."_

_ He pulled the collection of conception sketches from their folder and handed them to the girl. She whizzed over to the drafting table and flicked on the lamp with familiar and practiced motions. All this was done and she was scanning his designs before Zak even realized that she had moved. Pulling a pair of glasses from her pocket (what kind of dress has pockets?), she put them on with a frown that persisted as she stared at a particular page. She finally looked up with a cool, expressionless face, took off the glasses, and said, "Would you mind explaining your design to me in your own words? What sort of plane do you envision as the product? When would it be used? What sort of situations did you have in mind? Because I think this is a really interesting design, but it's got a lot of developing to do. There are quite a few kinks that are going to have to be worked out."_

_ Zak just stared at her dumbfounded. Where did she get off talking to him like that? "Listen, I don't know what you're playing at, but could you just let me talk to Captain Windsor and quit this whole act."_

_ The strangest of things happened after he said that: She laughed like someone had told a joke she'd heard before but still thought was funny. "A little sexism never gets old."_

_ That was all she needed to say for everything to fall into place for Zak. It should have been blindingly obvious, of course. No one in their right mind would wear a dress like that to work except for an engineer because they can pretty much do whatever the hell they want here. It was very much like an engineer to wear the strangest thing they could put together that morning. _

_ "I'm so sorry," was all he could think to say._

_ "It's fine. Not the first time it's happened." She shrugged at him. "But since I had them put my first name on the door, I thought I would get less people walking in here thinking that Alyssa Windsor is a man. You were standing at my door for a while, too."_

_ "I admit I didn't read the door because I was a little awed at the project you've got going on in here."_

_ A smile stretched her face but it didn't touch her eyes. "It's just something I do in between real assignments. They let me take the old bird that the flight schools can't fly anymore and make some creative renovations; see if I can't get them air-worthy again." She gestured to the one if question. "This one's a rarity. They finally let me get my hands on one of the old Mark IIs. Those girls are a master of engineering and I'll be damned if I can't get them back into shape, better than ever."_

_ That was quite a speech to make about an inanimate object. Zak didn't say so because he didn't want to offend the captain any more than he already had. He was struggling for something to say in response that wasn't entirely useless, when Captain Windsor seemed to sense his hesitation and filled the silence._

_ "But I asked if you wanted to explain a little bit more to me about your concept. I'd love to hear your ideas behind the design."_

_ And to make up for his floundering from before, Zak threw himself into explaining his plan proposal with much gusto. Surprisingly, Captain Windsor was showing just as much enthusiasm as he went on. She procured a copy of his original design and the two of them whittled away four hours of talking about modification and possible improvements for a stealth ship that may carry weapons of a certain radiological level (without being detected, of course). Once or twice they got sidetracked with ideas they said they had always wanted to work on, given an unending budget. They both agreed that if the day ever came, the two of them would sign on to work together to make the first cloaking device for ships of the size of Battlestars. _

_ By the time Captain Windsor called their meeting in the evening, Zak's concept drawings were practically redrawn and newly annotated. Both engineers' handwriting was scratched along the edges, making various notes and comments on a part's composition or dimensions. While the main idea was still there, the drawings didn't look remotely similar to what they had been before. Zak could say that he was exceedingly happy with how it had gone. He didn't want to put words in the captain's mouth, but he thought she'd say that they were quite a team. It was too soon to say so, of course. But whatever system Zak thought of, Captain Windsor found a place it would fit on an actual ship. There was nothing the two of them could think of that could not be laid perfectly into the design. Not all their ideas were practical, but they had begun challenging each other with difficult features that they thought the other could never accommodate for in their part of the design process. _

_ Over all, it was a successful session. _

_ They walked out of the lab together and left CE-C for the train station. On a whim, Zak asked, "I'm meeting my roommate, Tim, for drinks in a little bit. You're welcome to come."_

_ For the first time she looked uncomfortable. Perhaps it was not encouraged for underlings like him to ask superior officers out for drinks. She said, "I sincerely really would like to, but I'm actually meeting my brother for dinner. It's kind of our routine. You know how people can get cranky when you throw off their routines."_

_ On any given day you could find an engineer getting upset because someone was using the third sink from the door in the second floor bathroom and it was interrupting their 'routine.' It was very well known how 'cranky' people got when their habitual life was thrown off track. Zak, however, was not one of these people. He was much better at adapting to a situation. You might say he was more spontaneous than your average daily-grind engineer. _

_ "Just call him and explain that something came up. I'm sure he'll understand. What's one night going to do?"_

_ The captain dug a bag of almonds out of her bag and considered his question. "I really can't miss it."_

_ "Why not?"_

_ "Mostly because I don't want to."_

_ "Wow. Let a guy down easy, don't you?"_

_ She laughed at him. "I'm sorry for being so blunt, but you're a completely new person to me and new people really stress me out. I really just want you to go away so I can relax a little bit. You haven't done anything wrong," she said when she saw the look brewing on his face. "In fact, I like you. I look forward working together. But I've spent a lot of time with you today and I don't know you and it's making me so nervous that I'm speaking in run-on sentences."_

_ So she actually was one of those engineers that couldn't bear to look others in the eye. She just had a higher tolerance for interaction than the rest of them. If a survey was ever conducted on the members of CE-C, the results would say, without a doubt, that sixty percent had social anxiety, thirty-five percent had an extremely inflated ego that caused them to have the absolute opposite of social anxiety, and the remaining five percent would be normal people that were just fighting to survive in the pool of nervous numbskulls and arrogant aristocrats. _

_ "Fair enough," he said._

_ "I really would like to meet your friend Tim and watch you two get drinks, but give me a week or something to get used to you. You should really get to know people more before you offer to take them to meet your roommate. What if I was a murdering psychopath and I killed the both of you and lived in your house while I ate your slowly decaying bodies?"_

_ Zak blinked at her. Nothing seemed to be able to reach down into his head and form a thought, much less a sentence to be spoken. What do you say to something like that? If your friend said it, fine, good joke. But when it's someone you met a few hours ago (and you never know how insane some of these engineers are), it's hard to just brush off the question. Again, he was saved by his attacker._

_ "And there I go again. Acting like a weirdo. How about this: Ask me again at the end of the week. We'll see how our assignment goes."_

_ Of course, their assignment would go on just fine and Captain Alyssa Windsor did agree to go with Zak to meet Tim and have drinks (water for her). After two months of working on their Nuclear weapon carrying stealth ship, they presented their finalized design and a compuer-generated model. The research proposal (to get the okay to start building actual prototypes) was presented to aerospace engineering by the captain on her own. Zak was in the room, but her rank meant that she was responsible for the pitch. Much to his surprise, Captain Alyssa Windsor nailed it and explained the expected costs, timetables, and situational uses for the vessel with a truly fluent delivery. As it would turn out, the brass didn't see exactly how they could make use of such a craft at this time. Both engineers knew that meant that they didn't have enough support to bankroll an extended development phase that the ship would require. Nine times out of ten, if a product is denied at CE-C, it's because of money. The wonders one could see if they got their eyes on the plans that the engineers had laid out and had to put away until there were more funds available. All perfectly deadly and awe-inspiring devices that could be made in a matter of months if only there was a way to pay. Zak wouldn't be surprised if someone had figured out how to control the weather and the bigwigs at CE-C were just waiting for the right donation to get it started. _

_ With their project pitched, completed, and filed away in the 'Maybe Later' drawer, the two of them were no longer obligated to see each other. The first day after their official partnership had been absolved, Captain Windsor walked right into the WST lab with her bag of almonds and sat down next to Zak's station, put her feet up and offered him the almonds. When he asked what she was doing there, she simply said that it was her break and that she'd gotten used to talking to him during breaks. By that, she meant that she would show up there indefinitely because it had become routine and she liked routine. So they continued to take coordinated breaks. A year to the day after their assignment as partners had been given, Captain Windsor moved in with Zak and Tim since the two of them were looking to get a bigger place closer to their respective labs. From then on she was officially known to him as just Alyssa; he was forever more her friend Zak from WST. _

Because he felt like he ought to be doing something, Lee went down to the flight deck. The orange coveralls that marked the deckhands milled about busily. Repairs had piled up during the fleeing across the skies. Mostly just to keep his feet moving, he walked down the quiet end of the hangar where the few unserviceable birds were kept. It was probably possible to get them back in line for combat if only the correct parts were still available. Among the labeled junkers was the familiar orange trademark of the knuckledraggers. It was not customary for them to wear the top rolled down to their waist as this person in question was. On a two-second delay, he realized it must be Alyssa Windsor playing in the trash (only partially figuratively).

"Looking for something?" he asked, satisfied when he saw her jump at his voice.

Turning to look at him, she said, "I'm looking for anything. Nothing in particular."

"Is there a reason for all of this?"

"There's a reason for everything I do, Captain."

He prompted, "Which is what in this case?"

"I think I can make something out of this," she said vaguely.

"You want to make a project out of the garbage? I'm pretty sure any useful parts were stripped from these birds before they were left over here."

"I know that. We have a ship in the fleet that has the capabilities to melt some of this down and mold it into something new. I had plans to build a new kind of engine back on Caprica. There's probably enough bits and pieces around here for me to improvise its shape. The only problem, granted I can build the bird, is the fuel."

"We have tylium."

Alyssa wiggled her eyebrows at him, trying to look sly. "My engine didn't run on tylium."

"If you ever build this thing, no one is going to want to fly it. A ship made by one person's hand with a new type of engine is not going to light a fire under anyone."

"I got the impression that Zak's girlfriend would love to try something just like it."

Well, she had that much right. That didn't make it any safer.

Putting a warped piece of metal in one of the numerous pockets of the coveralls, she said, "Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me look?"

"Look for what? You said you weren't looking for anything in particular."

"Haven't you ever built an engine before?"

"Not in the sense that you're thinking of."

Turing away from the pile she was digging through, she gave him a look. "Good grief. Get over here. You've got a lesson to learn. When you can build your own engine you can give those poor deckhands a break and fix your own bird next time you burn it out. Take care of your bird and she'll take care of you."

"I don't think that's how it works with machines."

"Of course it is."

"They're not animals," Lee said as he picked his way through the garbage to stand beside her.

"No, they're better. Animals are more unpredictable. With machines, if you take good enough care of it then it will never fail you, because you personally made sure all was green."

"That sounded really dorky."

"Welcome to the freak show, then." Waving an impatient hand at the dinged up Viper beside her, Alyssa said, "Look at the damage on the engines. If you can pull anything off of it, give it to me."

"This sounds like a very promising ship you've got planned," he said sarcastically. He did as she said anyway.

"If you're going to bother me while I'm working, you're not going to do it for free."

Lee went to work pulling mangled pieces of metal from the suspicious-looking black hole that was one of the broken engines. He found the whole idea of building something from this ridiculous. If Tyrol said there was nothing to be salvaged from the engine, well then, there was probably nothing that could be salvaged. Alyssa had sat herself in the cockpit and was prying the displays and monitors off with one of the contorted pieces of metal she'd found. It was clear to see that she was very practiced at improvising. Lee slowed his progressed to watch her very carefully cut some wires inside the monitors (while not cutting specific others) until she extracted, as if by magic, the motherboard. Wires poked out of it and connected it to other boards like a bunch of spiders. Alyssa admired the tangle fondly and then went to work disconnecting the boards and keeping all the wires in a separate pile.

"What I really need is to find Zak so he can write the programs."

"Programs?" Lee asked. He yanked another handful of metal out of the engine.

"For the weapons. Doy."

"There'll be weapons in this ship?"

"What good is a ship without weapons these days?"

"You've got a point there."

Alyssa jumped from the cockpit and landed without making more than a squeak from her boots. "Hey, do you have any ribbon lying around?"

"No. I'm a man."

She rolled her eyes. "Someone's uncomfortable with their sexuality."

He rolled his eyes right back at her. "What do you need ribbon for?"

"My shoes."

"Your shoes."

"That's what I said."

"What do you need ribbon on your shoes for?" he asked while looking at the boots on her feet. Where exactly would ribbons function on them?

"Not these shoes," she said upon seeing where his eyes were focused. "My pointe shoes."

Lee mouthed the words 'pointe shoes' with confusion.

"Pointe shoes," she said again, as if that cleared things up. Raising her heels off the ground, she said, "Like the kind people dance in. So you can be on your toes."

"Oh. That makes a lot more sense. But, no. I don't have any ribbon."

"Bummer," she said without any real emotion (as she always does). "The shank is ready to quit on me and there probably isn't another pair anywhere in the fleet."

"So you're going to build another pair just like you're building another plane?"

"That was the general idea. Just need a tough piece of leather or hardened burlap. Even plastic would be okay to reinforce the shank."

"Why can't you just dance without them?"

She smiled patiently at him. "I can. I just prefer to dance en pointe."

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"Yes. You should see how mangled my feet are. The professional dancers have, like, zombie feet they're so gross. I only dance in my spare time. Imagine doing it for long hours for _a living_. It hurts but it feels good. You know what I mean?"

"No."

Shrugging, she went to a new pile of junk. "Well, let me know if you come across any ribbon or leather or something. I'd appreciate it."

"Sure thing."

When there was no more loose metal to be pulled from the engines, Alyssa had him extract the weapon mountings from all of the out-of-work Vipers. She was cutting more circuit boards and mangled wires from the monitors of the same plane that he was taking the scorched barrel of the gun off of when she observed, "You're different."

"Different from what?"

"Different from the last two times I talked to you. It's good."

Lee contemplated the comment. Dropping the mounting into his growing pile, he said, "I talked to my father; took your advice."

"Oh, yeah? How do you feel about it?"

"The jury is still out. I don't know whether it was a big mistake or the best decision I've ever made."

"Probably both."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, at least to me, it would be a big mistake because talking to him will change everything from here on out. I don't like big changes. I'm a creature of habit. But it could be the best decision you've ever made if you can make it through the transition. I imagine everything will change for the better. I can liken the situation to a caterpillar turning into a butterfly if you want."

"I'm fine without the allegory. Thanks for the offer, though."

"Prepare for the metamorphosis, Prodigal Son. It's not going to be easy. I hope you make it."

"You make it sound like I'm going to have to walk through fire or something. It's just talking."

"You know better than I do that it is_ not_ just talking. From what you've told me, I guess it's going to be a lot more like retraining your instincts. You may not have heard, but instincts tend to be static. When you put great stress on things they tend to break. Instincts can be held back only so long before the other shoe drops and something snaps. I hope your snap is in the right direction."

"So you're saying that I shouldn't have talked to my father?" he asked incredulously.

"Not at all. I'm just saying it's not easy to transition from one way of thinking to another. Especially when the instincts that were keeping you from doing something were survival instincts. Survival instincts want to keep you alive. It's hard to tell them that what they've been fighting this whole time actually won't kill them."

Before Lee could form a response, a long and echoing buckling shook the ship. If he didn't know any better, he would have said that someone had just detonated an explosive on the ship. Decompression alarms wailed. The two of them looked around as if they might see that the sucking hole had been next to them the whole time. Of course, they didn't see anything.

"I better get to engineering. We're probably going to be needed," Alyssa said.

"Right."

"Thanks for helping me with my crackpot idea for the ship."

"Anytime."

After she'd gone a few steps, she turned, walking backwards, and called, "Come find me if you need someone to talk to about all of this. I'm dying to know how it all turns out."

He waved a hand to acknowledge her. While he didn't expect anything to snap, it was comforting to know that an unbiased party was available to give him straight-faced facts and point things out that he wasn't seeing because of his emotional filter.

As it turned out, the detonation they thought they had heard actually was a detonation after all. Kara heard this confirmation while she sat in a panel with the president and the brass as various crew members came by to give a formal and thorough sitrep. Ten million JPs of water had been vented into space, completely wasted. That posed quite a problem since _Galactica_ was responsible for supplying several other vessels within the fleet with water. Running on forty percent wasn't going to cut it by any means. Logical followed that emergency rations were activated and all nonessential water usage was delayed indefinitely. Undoubtedly, there would be some disgruntled civilians that would be upset to hear that they couldn't bathe. Kara found this mildly, and somewhat inappropriately, humorous.

Again, logic dictated that they do an astronomical survey of nearby systems. Kara had been expecting a break while this was being conducted, but none came. Instead, Colonel Tigh reported back that there were five planetary systems that they could jump to and conduct a closer survey of their surfaces, looking for traces of water they could extract. The president seemed very intent on making the situation sound very awful and dramatic by the way she kept asking everyone to tell her how likely it was for them to find water and survive on the stores they had. Things got more interesting (for Kara was extremely tired of hearing reports. The only things she had gotten to do was organize her flight groups that would be sent out to survey the planet systems, and they offered only a short respite from the dull, official panel) when the chief came to report on what the ruptured tank looked like. He reported that his 'forensic' analysis led him to believe that a G-4 explosive caused the whole kerfuffle. This was followed up with the supporting information provided by the Master-at-arms via Tyrol that six detonators were indeed missing. One of which was still unaccounted for.

That got whispers swirling all right. The commander and colonel had brief Kara on certain topics when she ascended to CAG. The fact the Cylons assumed human form now was one of those things. Knowing the fact and coming to the realization that there was one among them causing acts of terrorism were two totally different beasts. Kara kept calm as this realization came to her, but she could not imagine everyone else in the fleet do so as well. Their hopes were being carried, largely, on the shoulders of fluttery Dr. Baltar and his Cylon screening device. She almost snickered at his stammering as Commander Adama turned his unwavering authority on the puny doctor. A touch of sympathy for Lieutenant Gaeta made itself know to Kara when the commander said he would be assigning him to aid the doctor with his process.

At long last, she was released from the room, sworn to secrecy of course. Kara saw Boomer off on her surveying mission. This she could get used to. The action and sense of urgency all played to her strengths. She made stops at all of the Raptors preparing to go out and tried to both inspire them and come off as authoritative. For the most part, they responded positively. When all that was done, when it was _finally_ done, she stripped off her uniform and decided to finish her run.

* * *

Note:

I'm sorry this took so long! It was midterm season at my university and I had at least one exam each of the last three weeks. Y'all are important to me, but my school work, frankly, ranks above this. It also didn't help that I experienced a mild case of writer's block and a momentary lack of motivation to continue. All had been resolved! On to relevant notes that are not excuses...

I would be in the same boat as Bill here as far as my experience with mental illness. That is not to say that I think it can be minimized to 'no big deal', of course. I have never been depressed or diagnosed with any other disorder for that matter. I cannot ever capture what it is really like, but I'm doing my best. (My 'best' is based off of research and the experiences that I have seen my friends go through.) I do not mean to sound like I know everything about depression or psychosis. All I can really hope for is that I don't offend anyone who is actually suffering from any kind of mental illness with my blind-eyed guessing.

The piece at the science museum is based off of the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. It is a lovely and interesting place. I highly recommend a visit if it is ever convenient and within your means. Unfortunately, there is no room at MSI that had both trampoline floors _and _trampoline walls (as far as I know).

There was a little bit of a PSA in the flashbacks that addressed sexism in engineering and, in this particular case, aviation. Of course, sexism everywhere is no bueno, but this particular setting I actually have first-hand experience. I am a woman (as you may have guessed) and I am in engineering. I don't have any experience in aviation (as far as piloting goes), but I imagine it is just as prevalent, if not more so. (I am refferring to combat aviation, by the way. Not commercial.)

Title is a reference to the song by Of Monsters and Men.

I am not worthy of your time and patience. Eternal thanks.

Cheers,

E.R.


	9. Square Peg in a Round Hole

_There is always something. That's what it was like now that he lived with Bill. Officially and legally, that was who his guardian was. But with Bill, never was there a time when he could just sit home and be Dad to Zak. Their address wasn't on Bill's base, but it was close enough for the court that had ruled that Zak could no long live with his mother. That was fine with Zak. But when they told him he'd be living with someone else, he had expected to actually do it. Bill had filled his head with sweet promises of being a real family; father and son. Sourly, Zak thought that things were exactly that. Father and son. In his mind there was always a distinct difference between 'father' and 'dad.' Anyone one with functioning sperm could be a father. It took more than just making a baby to earn someone the title Dad. At this point, he thought he was ready to give his mother another chance. Effectively, Bill was paying for Zak to live in a house by himself._

_ When the two of them moved into the shared space for the very first time, it was as if Bill was dropping Zak off at summer camp. And it was sort of like that, too. At first he would show up at the same time every evening and they'd carry on like a little family. But those days were long past and now Zak pretty much lived there on his own. This was a very exciting fact in the beginning. He could do whatever he liked with no supervision or the dark rain cloud named Carolanne lurking in the shadows. This grew old rather quickly, though. He became lonely. So Zak would stay over with his friends. Most people thought hanging out with other people's parents was awkward. Never once did Zak think this. He loved it. When he'd stay over with his friends, their parents would ask him questions and take an interest in what he had to say. It was all so new and foreign to him at first, but it was not unwelcome. Indeed, Zak became a little bit of an adopted son to some of his friends' parents because of the frequency of his visits. He knew that the parents had heard about the emancipation and the hearing that said his mother could no longer be unsupervised with children until her rehabilitation was complete. It was quite a popular piece of gossip in his part of town. Reason told Zak that these parents probably felt bad for him, but they also wanted to know all the horrifying details of what had happened in that house that was currently for sale down the street. They would ask him sideways questions trying to learn new, juicy details. For the most part, Zak didn't mind. All the attention was so new and fascinating, and he found that he sort of liked it. _

_ Sometimes his friends would ask him questions about his mother or Lee without any sort of smoke. They just came right out with it and asked. It was refreshing to know that some people didn't beat around the bush. The first time one of his friends asked him a question about the typical sort of stuff that Carolanne would do to them on any given night, Zak made the mistake of answering it honestly. His friend must have told his parents the story, because there was no other way that the whole neighborhood could be buzzing with a story the very next day of how crazy Carolanne Adama had made her oldest son kneel in rock salt overnight. Zak didn't even know how the neighbors knew that Lee had to pick some pieces out of his skin, where they had become lodged. He hadn't told his friend that part, but they must have just guessed correctly on that one. Suddenly all the mothers in town were clucking about how they remembered seeing Lee walking home with massive bruises on his knees and shins, and how they wished they would have called someone when they saw it. That fact Zak knew to be total bullshit, because the rock salt punishment only happened in the winter. Mother would not have used that punishment in the summer when Lee would be wearing shorts, so that anyone could see the suspicious marks there. She was not stupid. If she was going to do something that would leave a mark, like when she'd lashed Lee with the leather dog leash after Zak purposefully let the dog run away in a bid for attention, then she made sure that no one would be able to see it. _

_ Winter was for cuts and bruises. Summer was for the nasty stuff. Mother could get really creative when the weather warmed up. That was the season when she'd turned the caustic soda over on him. It was the same type of weather when she'd locked him in the bathroom with the ammonia and bleach for the first time. Mother had had a change of heart, Zak remembered, the first time he'd ever seen a look of concern on her face. She had unlocked the door and pulled Lee out with much urgency. He had vomited on himself and was walking into walls half conscious. When Lee failed to recover his senses in the fifteen minutes that followed, their mother had begun to panic. She got rid of the toxic mixture and, perhaps in a fit of actual motherhood, she took Zak to Joseph's house and drove Lee to see a doctor. That was when Carolanne realized the sympathy and attention that the neighbors paid her. When the story spread that one of the Adama kids was sick in the hospital, they flocked to Mother's side with comforting words and casseroles in hand. And she loved the attention. That started a whole new tradition in the summer: Lee always got violently and suspiciously ill. The neighborhood was always sympathetic and worried about poor Carolanne who was raising two boys on her own since her husband abandoned her. And now they got to be by her side and hear the whole awful story of Bill's abandonment of her while she struggled to take care of her son with that pesky lung infection-strep throat combination he kept getting. How did the poor woman carry on when there was no one to support her? That rotten Bill Adama should be here taking care of his sons so she could get some much-deserved rest. _

_ That was what they all said until Lee ripped their blinders off and was emancipated. The whole neighborhood had watched the police go to Carolanne's house, and they all watched as she shrieked about how he was lying and that Lee had always been a bad kid and needed to be punished. Zak had been standing at the door the whole time they wrestled her into their transport and took her away to a holding cell, where she would wait for the report from the hospital. One of the officers had noticed Zak standing there and offered to take him to the hospital. He had no idea why the police would want to take him there since no one had told him what was so special at the hospital. The officer explained about Lee on the way there, with the appropriate kiddie language, so as to not scare him. The same man then asked Zak endless questions about living with his mother for hours once they got there. _

_ In those few scenes, the entire town turned their sympathy into scorn for Carolanne. They bleated like sheep about how they'd always hated her and suspected she was abusing those kids. The older one was always so quiet and stiff, like he was trying to be perfect all the time. That wasn't normal for boys, the neighborhood said. When the emancipation was made known, suddenly they wanted nothing more than to see with their own eyes the burned body of Lee Adama. Living with Grandfather Joseph until Bill made it back into town, Zak remembered how many people would stop by to offer their sympathy to the old man. The effect was ruined since they were craning their necks around him the whole time trying to see a scorched body that was flaking with ash perhaps, or maybe a man sitting on the couch engulfed in flames. Joseph always thanked them for their kind words, accepted their casseroles, and sent them on their way. He knew why they came, and he told Zak that he should never let any of the neighbors inside, no matter how much they ask or how nice they were. Even if his friend was there asking to come in. Don't let them in. Zak didn't need his grandfather to tell him that to know he shouldn't do it. But he didn't see why he couldn't let his friends over. It's not like anyone would see his brother. Lee spent his time in bed with the shades drawn since the sun, or any heat for that matter, made his burns redder and (more) painful. As long as Zak and his friends stayed away from the room, then Lee could molt in peace. Joseph never agreed._

_ Those days of living with his grandfather were long past now. Zak lived across town from Joseph's house and was miserable. His friends were nice and their parents welcomed him in, but that little part of his brain was always telling him that the parents only wanted to see if he would share anymore awful details. They were listening to everything he said so intently because they were so desperate for gossip. Zak could only imagine the stories and the looks that would be generated once the neighborhood knew that he was currently waiting to see his mother for the first time since she'd been sent to mandatory rehabilitation. His father was with him, but Bill was not supposed to be in the room when Zak and Carolanne talked. Their whole conversation would be monitored by unobtrusive workers hired by the recovery facility. Supposedly, they were there to keep Zak safe in case his mother jumped on him and started wringing his neck or spat acid in his face or something equally obscene. His life with Carolanne had been horrifying. Life with Bill was just sad and lonely. Zak wasn't sure which he preferred. _

_ Bill touched his shoulder and said, "You don't have to see her just because she asked you to. If you don't want to talk to your mother, we can go home right now."_

_ The home he was referring to was no home at all. Certainly, 'we' wouldn't be going there. Zak knew that his father would drop him off there and probably not turn up again until the next afternoon. If the neighbors knew that! He may not hit his kids, but Bill Adama neglected to take care of them all the same. _

_ "I don't mind. I want to see her. They say she's better."_

_ Carolanne had been in her program for almost a year now. Coming up on fourteen, Zak was becoming more and more compliant with his mother's wishes while his peers were doing just the opposite. The institution's representatives said that Mother was getting better, so maybe she'd give him the recognition and attention he'd always wanted. To help evaluate her progress and confront her wrongdoings (as her shrink put it), it would be good for Carolanne to see her kids again. Obviously, only one of them was here. The very same shrink that his mother saw had spoken to Bill and Zak not two minutes ago to explain what had been changing with her and where she was in her recovery. The woman was very excited to start this new stage in the process and kept looking at Zak with interest. She had, of course, asked if Lee would be in attendance. Since all his father could do was bite his tongue and try not to spit, Zak told her that it would be just him._

_ "It's all for the better," the head doctor said. "She may not be ready to see him yet. But I think she'll be very glad to see you. Your mother talks a lot about you. She misses you."_

_ Zak doubted very much the truthfulness of that statement. How could she miss him when she had never even noticed he was there? Trying not to close the door on her, he pushed it from his mind and just smiled mechanically and told the shrink he was glad he could help. The adults, the shrink and Bill both, thought he sounded rather grown-up and professional. They shared a look but made no comment. _

_ Now, his father was trying in vain to convince Zak to reconsider. When his mind was made up, there was no flexing his resolve. He had told himself that he would see his mother, and gods be damned, he was going to do it. The very last of his patience was beginning to fray anyway. Somehow Zak always craved Bill's company when his father was away, but found himself looking for any other distraction when they were finally together. So when the white clad man opened and door and nodded to him, Zak jumped to his feet and moved fleet-footed away from one miserable parent to the other._

_ Other groups of people were meeting and chatting in the wide empty room. Tables were set up just far enough away to give those seated at them some privacy from each other. As if by some magnetic force, Zak spotted his mother right away, making his way toward her without missing a beat. The eyes of his father burned holes in his back until the door behind him had finally closed. Zak's progress suddenly slowed when he was no more than three steps from his mother's table. The thought had struck him that he really did not want to do this anymore. What was there to say really? His heart smacked his ribs as punishment for his rash behavior. Not wanting to dawdle, Zak sat down across from Carolanne anyway._

_ It was a wonder he recognized her since her appearance had changed so radically. Gone was the streaky make-up and frazzled hair. No more was there a skeletal look about her. The absence of the scent of cigarette smoke around her struck Zak the most. It was a dirty smell, to him, but it had always so clearly screamed "MOTHER!" in his head. Without it, this woman could be anyone, but surely not Carolanne Adama. The world might as well have turned on its axis when she opened her mouth to speak and the scent of alcohol didn't find its way to his face. _

_ "Hi, Zak," she said like she was speaking to a person she'd never met. Indeed, that was what it felt like for the two of them. "It's been a long time."_

_ "I know."_

_ "You've changed. When did you get so tall?"_

_ He shrugged. It felt like a heavy cloth had been thrown over him, making him shy, wanting to hide from her. _

_ "I'm glad you came. I've missed you."_

_ "I'm glad I came, too." An honest answer. "How are you?"_

_ She smiled at him fragilely. "Oh, honey, I'm just fine. About one hundred times better. This is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me."_

_ "You look better."_

_ "And I feel it, too." Carolanne reached across for his hand, but he jerked it beneath the table before she could touch him. The brittle smile broke. "I'm so sorry for what I've done to you."_

_ Zak began to panic when his mother started to cry. He had no idea what he was supposed to do, much less why she was crying so woefully. An intense longing to ask Lee what to do now filled him, but his brother wasn't here. Finally the time had come when Zak would have to deal with their mother's antics on his own, without the battered shield that was his brother standing protectively in front of him. Lungs expanding with a deep breath, he reached a tentative hand across the distance that separated them and touched her arm. She gripped his hand in both of hers and dripped tears on her shirt while she stared at it. _

_ "I'm sorry."_

_ "I know."_

_ And he did. Sorry is such a bad word, he thought. People said it to each other when they try to walk through a door at the same time. It didn't seem right that such a word was also used for situations like the one he was in now. What else could she say, really, that would capture the feelings that were whirling inside her? Honestly, nothing is big enough to carry the weight of such regret. Perhaps the people that studied language knew a better, deeper, more earnest word. Sorry is so flimsy and, well, minimalist. But there isn't anything else to say. Nothing could truly express what Carolanne felt, and Zak knew that. Just by looking at her face, Zak knew that his mother would never feel like she had properly atoned for the wrongs she had done for the rest of her existence. That was a cloud she would never get out from under. Much like the cloud he knew resided over Lee's head. _

_ Once she'd carried on for a time, Carolanne wiped her eyes and looked at her son. She asked, "How are you and Dad getting along? Are you okay there? He's taking care of you?"_

_ It seemed to rude to tell her that he was just another form of miserable, so he just assured her that he was fine. "Dad does okay. We make it work. Grandfather Joseph helps."_

_ With a genuine smile she said, "Yeah? How is Old Joe?"_

_ "Good. We talk a lot even though he lives across town. He makes me come over a lot and do boring old-people-things with him."_

_ "Yeah? You and your dad go over there and have family time?"_

_ His head swung back and forth in the negative. "It's usually just me."_

_ Both of them had no other words they were willing to share, so they just looked at each other for a while. Zak found that he couldn't hold her gaze for more than a second at a time. They'd make eye contact, and then he'd quickly look away. No doubt this was a lingering reaction from the days when looking into the eyes of Carolanne Adama almost always resulted in retribution. As much as he wanted to believe this was different, old habits were hard to break. She noticed his hesitance and continued to look at him with a sad smile of her face. _

_ "It's okay, Zak." Her sudden breaking of their silence startled him into looking her in the eye again. "I'm getting better, and everything that happened before will never happen again. You probably don't believe me. I've never given you a reason to trust me in the past, but I'm asking for your time. I know I don't deserve it, but if you just give me a chance, I want to begin to try to make all of this up to you. Will you give me that chance?"_

_ Tearing his eyes away, Zak looked around the room for a possible escape. Seeing none, he said, "I don't know."_

_ Her face fell instantly. "I should have been expecting that."_

_ "I want to," he offered. Perhaps that would make her feel better. Warped as he was, Zak wanted very much to have a real parent that would notice him and take an interest. That was what he'd been trying to obtain this whole time. The old saying that if something was too good to be true (and this offer certainly sounded that way), then it probably was. History predicted that any sweet nothings she told him would turn into sour somethings in the end. Meeting Carolanne's eyes again, he said, "We'll see."_

_ That seemed to brighten her mood. "The gods have given me a blessing I don't deserve."_

_ He supposed that was her way of saying thank you. Personally, Zak found it kind of fluffy. Gods had nothing to do with it. That had been his own decision to let her start over with their relationship. Whatever got her through, though. In most of the stories he'd read about people who go to rehabilitation centers, the messed-up ones almost always ended up turning to the gods for help. He didn't know what power the ideas of gods held over these ruined humans, but they were always a motivating factor in their recovery. Zak didn't need any god to tell him that beating children was wrong, so why did his mother need it?_

_ "How's your brother? Is he okay?" She asked this without meeting his eyes; drawing circles on the back on Zak's hand with her finger. _

_ "He lives by himself. Last time we talked, he said he was getting by."_

_ "I thought he might come here with you. It's strange seeing you two apart. I always imagined I'd see both of you together when this time came."_

_ The thought almost made Zak burst out laughing. If she had been seriously considering that, then maybe this facility was still letting her get wasted. He supposed it was the gods that had told her that Lee would want to see her again. _

_ "Mother, I don't think he's ever going to visit you."_

_ She looked hurt to hear it, but not as if she hadn't been expecting it. "I suppose I deserve that. I wouldn't want to see anyone that had done that to—"Her voice cracked and she couldn't complete the thought. It didn't take a genius to guess what she'd been about to say._

_ "You really messed him up," Zak said plainly. For some reason, he felt that that needed to be said. _

_ Dropping his hand, Carolanne hid her face in her hands. Zak drew his back and wiped it on his pants where she couldn't see. He waited patiently until she had collected herself. When she did, she said, "I just have so much to say to him. It can't just end like that. I need to see him again."_

_ "I don't think you ever will. Hardly any of us see him anymore, which includes me and Grandfather Joseph. I doubt he'd show up to see you."_

_ "Then will you tell him something for me?" she asked with watery eyes. _

_ Zak was wary of what he was about to hear, but agreed to pass it along. If what she had to say was awful, then he would simply 'forget' to tell Lee the next time they saw each other. She would never know the difference anyway. _

_ "Tell him I'm sorry. And then thank him for me."_

_ "What?"_

_ "If it wasn't for him declaring emancipation, then I would never have gotten this treatment. I'd still be bitter and doing awful things to you. Your brother forced me to get better and I'll always be grateful for what he's done for me."_

_ Zak was surprised to realize that he was feeling anger. He was angry at his mother for saying such things, and he was angry with Lee for no reason that he could think of. Where did Mother get the nerve to say that Lee had done her a great service? Would she get upset if he told her that the emancipation was the very last thing Lee had wanted, which meant that what was best for her was the last thing Lee wanted? He hadn't done it to make her a happy, gods-loving woman again. His brother had done it because this vicious woman had mutilated his body so much that he couldn't hide it anymore. Carolanne was supposed to be punished for inflicting her wrath on her children, not fixed and set loose back into society. _

_ "I'll be sure to tell him," Zak lied._

When Boomer and Crashdown reported back with positive identification of water, the whole fleet was in a mood to celebrate. Survey teams were being assembled to further analyze the area, but everyone else found something to pass the time with. Since no assignment had yet reached him that included sitting in a Viper, Lee went to pass time with Zak in the mess. The two of them were quickly joined by grease-soaked and sweaty version of Chief Tyrol and Alyssa Windsor.

"What's up with you two?" Zak asked in lieu of a greeting.

"Drilling core samples to test the water down there. It's a mess, but at least we've found something," Tyrol said.

"The geeks get to analyze the butt-load of samples now. Then we make a plan of action. Looks like extracting the water will be quite the puzzle," Alyssa added.

"Haven't even got the results back, and this one already knows how we're going to act," Tyrol elbowed her lightly in the side. It was a gesture that she did not return.

"I didn't know you were on the water-extraction assignment," Zak said to Alyssa.

"I'm not."

Lee asked, "Then why were you down there?"

"No one said I wasn't allowed to go. Why? Was I not supposed to go? I didn't have any other duties, so I figured there would be no harm done."

"You let her go?" Zak asked Tyrol.

His friend shrugged. "She's useful. Don't ask, don't tell."

"You're turning into a knuckle dragger," Lee observed.

"Knuckle draggers have more fun," was her response.

"She has been really helpful with repairs," the chief said. "We would already be out of replacement parts if she wasn't down there improvising. I'll see the damage in the Viper, and all I have to do is tell the captain here to look at it. And just like magic, I'll come back and it looks better than new in there."

Zak didn't deny that she was doing just that. The fact didn't stop him from thinking that this sort of work was beneath her. By all rules and regulations, a mere deck chief should not be ordering a captain around, no matter how young she may be. He wondered why he was the only one bothered by the slights the brass was dealing her. Most likely it was because no one knew her the way he did, or so he felt. In the time Zak and Alyssa had been incorporated into the inner workings of the Battlestar, everyone that worked on the flight deck knew who the captain was and seemed very fond of her. The same echoed true in the engineering deck where she was their de facto queen. Even some of those in CIC knew of her from their friends on other decks. There was a distinct difference, in Zak's opinion, between those who knew her and those who knew of her. Everyone else may parade her around like a very amusing clown or a monkey that can do tricks, but they didn't know her. Alyssa kept an arm's distance between herself and the rest of the world. The other engineers may talk highly of her, but less than three of them had ever had a real conversation with her. Like the new shiny toy, she would lose their favor in a few days.

Lee offered the word "impressive" in response to Tyrol's praise.

"Yeah, we all have to watch our backs. She's turning Cally into a monster. Cally'll just about rip anyone's nose off if you try to talk to her when she's observing Cap at work. We're going to have two of them soon." From the mix of pride and dread in his voice, you would have thought the chief was announcing that he was having twins.

"Girl power," Alyssa said sarcastically. She and Zak shared a look; an inside joke ringing in both their memories.

"When are we going to see you in the cockpit again, Cap?" Tyrol asked Lee. "Starting to make us feel like you don't like us anymore. We miss fixing your dead engines."

"I should be back soon. Just waiting for the word."

"You'd think the grounding would be easy to avoid. Couldn't you just have your brother sweet-talk his girlfriend into lifting the disciplinary grounding? Your father's the commander; he could _make_ her take it back."

There were many things both brothers found amusing about those suggestions. First that there was very little chance that anyone could 'sweet-talk' Kara into doing anything. That would only result in massive swelling in a very private place. Not to be outdone, the thought of appealing to the stone-faced commander to come and get Lee out of trouble was laughable. With the two of them just hardly back on speaking terms, a favor would not be the first thing to ask for. As if a man of his dignity could be persuaded to pull some strings after his kid was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. That level happened to be out of the range that Bill Adama would stoop to for either of his sons.

"Well, at least I get to catch up on sleep."

They all nodded their heads to that. A half hour of pleasantries passed among the three men while Alyssa seemed to be far away in thought, paying them no mind. Tyrol was the first to leave, citing duties as Water Rescuer. That left Zak and Lee alone with a girl that had apparently gone into a trance.

"I don't remember the last time we did this," Zak said.

"Did what?"

"Just sat. Talked. Not since I was still in flight school at least."

"You're right. Gods, that seems like a long time ago."

"That's what I was thinking." Zak looked at his brother. "So what's been going on?"

"Nothing much. Just something about the planets being destroyed, but that's all."

"You don't say."

"In other news, I talked to our father recently."

Freezing, he turned his whole body so that he was fully facing Lee. With big eyes, he said, "What? You just casually drop that bomb like it's not a big deal."

"It's not."

"Like hell it's not! Why are you just telling me this now? You should have told me _before_ you went!" There was a little bit of a wounded tone in his voice.

"I didn't exactly plan on doing it. There wasn't a chance to tell anyone."

"Well, frak! What was it like? What did the two of you even _say_?"

Lee shrugged. "Just the obvious things that you've been telling me to say to him for the past ten years."

"Well, frak," he said again.

"I think I grossed him out when I showed him the burn scars."

Zak laughed a little. That certainly would be a curve ball for their father. The wounded voice in his head grew a little more pronounced. Zak had never really seen the scars himself. Not that he expected Lee to put his body on display. The last time he really had a look at the burned skin it had still been red and blistered. "That was a little bit of a melodramatic choice of action, don't you think?"

"Now I do. At the time I really didn't know where to start. I sort of panicked and did the first thing that popped into my head. Should have seen his face. Absolute disgust." The tiniest bit of disappointment rung in his voice. Disgust clearly hadn't been the emotion Lee wanted his father to express.

"So are you guys best friends now? Going to have a father-son picnic next week?"

He shook his head. "No, I can hardly stand being around him still. We really just agreed that we don't hate each other."

"Doesn't that sound just like the Adamas? We should make that the family motto. Are you going to talk to him again anytime soon?"

"I don't know. I told him I would come find him when I get things figured out."

"What things do you need to figure out?"

Shrugging yet again, Lee said, "I don't know. It's weird being around him after so long. And he, you know, reminds me of Mother and all that…"

Zak certainly knew about 'all that' where Mother was involved. He supposed anything that brought back memories of her and what she did was enough to stir anyone's pot. "One day at a time, I guess."

"That's what I thought, too."

Coming alive suddenly, Alyssa waved exuberantly to someone across the room. The other two turned in unison to see whose attention she was trying to capture. Lee did not recognize him, but Zak quickly recalled the face of Lieutenant Simon Leary. If he were a dog, Zak was sure the hair on his back would be standing on end and he'd be growling at the lieutenant. Indeed, he had to check to make sure he wasn't growling as a human either. By the time the new addition arrived, Zak had control of himself.

"Captain," Leary said extravagantly to Alyssa, holding his hand out to her.

She took his hand and to the brothers Adama's disgust, Leary kissed the back of hers. He then pulled her to her feet, all too showy and old-fashioned. Standing side by side, he kissed both her cheeks too. Zak thought he might bite the idiot for touching his friend like that. The expression on Alyssa's face was unreadable, so he couldn't tell if this was unwanted touching or not. Historically, that sort of thing was _never_ what she wanted. Leary started to lead her away.

"Where are you going?" Zak called after Alyssa.

An expression of the palest amusement finally showed on her face when she said, without interrupting her exit, "We're going to dance."

There was no time to ask one of the several questions that were born from that single response. The odd couple was already gone. Zak spun around to face forward in his seat again, feeling utterly stunned, more paralyzed than he'd been when Lee told him about speaking with Bill.

"That doesn't sound good," Lee said to his food.

Zak made a sarcastic sound. "Don't you dare start thinking _that_."

"Thinking what?" he asked innocently. "They're just dancing."

"I swear if that guy touches her, I'll…I'll do something."

"She seems pretty responsible to me. Let her go where the wind takes her."

"Not if that guy is involved. He's a creep."

"Maybe he's just a guy that happens to be good enough to dance with her. I'm sure there aren't many of those in the fleet."

It was with floundering hope that Zak clung to that thought. "Yeah. She was always talking about how she wanted to work on more partner stuff on Caprica. I guess she found someone to practice with."

"Then again, everyone knows that dancing is just a prelude for sex."

"Shut up."

"You're acting an awful lot like her bodyguard, or father, or something. She's an adult with needs."

"Shut up."

"Are you going to start following her around with a handful of condoms to make sure she's safe?" The amused smile on his face was growing with every passing second.

"Shut up."

"Do you think she'll let the kid call you Uncle Zak?"

"Would you just shut up about it?"

"You and Kara watching their twins while they go dancing again…"

"I can't even look at you."

Lee laughed at his discomfort. "You're right. It's really great that we get to be such close brothers again. We can do this all the time now."

"I liked it better when you lived in that shithole."

"Think of all the time we get to catch up on! We'll make up for ten years in no time. Especially if we get to babysit together."

"I'm leaving."

"Don't leave me!" Lee said mockingly. "Remember when you used to say that? O brother, where art thou?"

People at surrounding tables laugh quietly into their food.

Zak said sarcastically, "I'm so glad to have you around again."

"What else am I here for if not to give my baby brother a hard time for being jealous of a woman _that is not his girlfriend_ going out with other men?"

"That's not what this is."

"That's what it looks like."

He gave a sigh and picked at his nails, not saying anything. How had this good-natured ribbing changed so quickly? His eyes rolled around, taking in the scenes around him. "I don't know," he vaguely said.

"Was it something I said?" Lee was making a valiant attempt to keep this conversation light. Zak almost felt bad since he knew that he was about to take it down a heavy path.

"I don't _like_ Alyssa," he said.

"I believe you."

"Now I think I don't _like_ Kara."

"Oh."

"That's all you have to say?"

Lee shrugged. It was almost possible to see him physically shrinking away from the seriousness of their topic of conversation. "It's really not any of my business."

"I told you about it and now I'm asking you to comment. I'm _making _it your business."

"I really don't want to stick my nose in this. What does what I have to say matter? It's between the two of you."

"Your say matters because I'm asking you for it. I need an outside opinion."

"Ask your friend Alyssa. She's a lot better at shooting the shit straight. And she doesn't have a close personal bond with both parties involved."

"Exactly. You know both of us and have to live in the middle of this no matter what happens. Now tell me what you think or I'll start telling stories to all of our friends here about how you used to cry all the time."

"I cried because I was being beat up for all the shit _you_ were breaking."

"And no one said you had to do that. You're still avoiding my question."

"That's because I don't want to answer it."

"Maybe the pilots will give you a new call sign when they hear about how much of a crybaby you were."

"I liked you more when I was taller than you."

"Time changes us all, brother. Does that mean you'll start frakking talking?"

"Yeah, fine."

"Well, _go_."

"I think you should talk to Kara about all of this."

"And…"

"And it's none of my business."

"You've already said all of this."

"_And_ if there is even the slightest bit of doubt in your mind that you don't want to be with her, you better tell her right now and stop wasting her time. Because if your conscious mind has been thinking it, your unconscious mind has known it the whole frakking time, and that's the mind that's usually right and doesn't lie to you."

"You sound like a psychiatrist or a shrink or something."

"Experience," he said offhandedly.

"Experience? What?"

Lee quickly said, "We're talking about you right now, remember? All the sudden you don't want to talk about it anymore?"

"No, it's just…" Zak hated it when his brother raised his eyebrows at him like that. It always made him feel self-conscious and stupid. "How do you bring something like this up to someone like Kara?"

Glad to be back on the original avoided topic, Lee volunteered, "You do it without any bullshit. Just tell her straight out that you don't think it's working out. She'll like that. Don't spend time doing something special when you're just going to call it at the end of the day."

"That sounds cold."

"It's better than winding them up all night for something special. She's probably been feeling the distance, too," Lee said, thinking back to how she'd been so lax about seeing Zak dance with Alyssa. She hadn't seemed like the most committed of girlfriends. In all likelihood, Kara had probably grown weary of the relationship long before Zak did. Not meaning to think less of his brother, but Lee didn't feel like Zak met Kara's level of sporadic and harebrained tomfoolery. He was too settled and relaxed. Kara was relaxed, too, but in a completely different way than him. She had a certain disregard for the rules that people like Zak found to be too exhausting to break. Where Kara sought out new and daring sources of entertainment, Zak was content to stay within the confines of the rules and _make_ something entertaining out of what was already there. He wouldn't say so, but Lee hadn't seen them lasting nearly as long as they did. The two of them were meant to have fun and be, at best, friends-with-benefits. But wonders never cease, and along they had gone together for at least four years. Certainly miles longer than any sort of romantic relationship that Lee had ever had.

"You're probably right," Zak said. "You don't think she'll get angry at me, do you?"

"Are we talking about the same girl? Kara will be relieved to be done with you. Probably be glad you were the one that spoke up since she's worse than any of us at choosing tactful words."

"That's true."

"You two are practically just friends right now anyway. I'm sure that's what it looks like to everyone else. Just two friends that hop into bed together every now and again."

"Everyone else knows we're together."

"No, everyone on the ship in this day and age thinks you're sleeping with Alyssa."

No matter how many time people accused him of it, Zak never got used to how it sounded, and every time it was met with a stunned face. "And you haven't been correcting anyone?"

"What difference would it make when you're sitting in here getting jealous of other guys that are hanging out with her?"

"Seeing how you're letting a lie spread, I think it makes quite a world of difference."

"If they really cared they would ask you about it. Otherwise, it's just another story on the ship."

"What sort of stories are floating around on this ship?"

Lee shrugged, perhaps grateful that the subject had changed relatively painlessly. He didn't want Zak to notice that he had gotten what he'd wanted so easily in case his brother decided to take a sharp right turn back onto Kara-Love talk. "You know; your regular horror stories. There's an arsonist on one ship, the prisoner transport ship is staging a coup over their guards, some gang is attacking women, Cylons look like us now and one of the incognito ones blew the hole in the water tank. Just the regular awful-on-top-of-awful stuff."

"I spend too much time in CIC," he declared after hearing all the great gossip he'd been missing.

"I think the phrase you were looking for is 'I work too hard'."

Shaking his head, "No. You don't work hard enough."

"I work as hard as I have to."

Abruptly, Zak said, "I have to talk to Kara."

"Yes. Do that."

"I mean, what's the worst that can happen? It's not like she can say no when I tell her I want to break up."

"Yep."

"Things won't be weird, right? We were friends way before we started doing…whatever it is we do. We were never really that serious anyway. We just had fun together so we just kept that up. I don't remember us ever talking seriously about any future together. She never seemed that interested in being tied down, and frankly, neither am I. By all rights, we should have dissolved years ago."

"Sure."

"You're not really responding at all."

"How many times do you I have to tell you that Kara's the one that should be on the receiving end of all of this? Zak, you're a smart kid, and I'm tired of this."

"Where are you going?" he called at Lee's back, for he had gotten up and was heading for the exit.

"I can't listen to this anymore."

Zak couldn't say for sure, but it didn't seem like that the response was meant for him. But his brother was already gone and there was no point calling him back. Because he was a logical being that did logical things, Zak decided the only thing to do now was solve the problem. Which is to say, he went to find Kara.

In the CAG's office he found her chewing on her fingers. The sight of Kara Thrace confined to a desk and kept busy with paperwork was as bizarre as anything Zak saw on a daily basis in CE-C. Perhaps it the rarity of seeing such a sight involving the untamable Kara that made him stand there and just watch her for a moment. It was also possible that he was feeling nostalgic. Zak longed for the feelings he'd had for her way back when. He loved Kara, truly and honestly he did. But it wasn't the same anymore. Sometime after he'd left flight school the tables began to turn, and here they found themselves. There probably wasn't ever a time in Zak's live where he wanted anything more than he wanted to still be in love with the woman before him. A concept he dealt with far too often in his field of study; Zak knew that wanting something to work again would not fix anything. They were very fond of saying, in CE-C, that when something brakes, you have to repurpose it. There was no such thing as garbage or waste where he came from.

And perhaps that was their problem. Where Zak came from was very different than where Kara came from. Their schools of thought certainly resulted in great friendships, never a dull moment when the two were together. But they were not compatible for anything more than that. If they were, surely one of them would have said something about their lack of communication in the past months. Someone you intend to spend your life with would certainly want to talk to you more often than 'whenever I'm free.' No, it was time to put the dying dog down. Zak didn't think their machine was ever meant to have a long lifetime, and Kara was never _that_ committed anyway. If anything they had stayed together because it was familiar and they had gotten used to having the other around; they _liked_ having the other around. To sum the true nature of their relationship up in one word: friends. Zak figured it was about time they started calling it that.

Kara had noticed his hovering and said, without looking up, "In or out, Adama. Standing in the doorway makes you a creep."

A smile of appreciation creased his face, and he entered. He sat across from her ornate desk and continued to watch her some more. When she finally looked up from the paper, he smiled for a second before remembering that smiling might be misleading. He did not have happy news. "I kind of wanted to broach this topic between the two of us that we've been ignoring."

Her eyes narrowed at him and her face remained unreadable. They held each other's gaze. "It's that hussy Windsor, isn't it?"

"What? No, it's not—She's just…No." He stuttered some more until he realized she was smiling and laughing at him.

"Relax. It was a joke. I know why you're here. You want to call it." Kara made a face at him, giving Zak a chance to deny it.

He didn't. Instead, he amended it. "I think that _we_ should _mutually_ call it." He hard-eyed it right back at her.

The expression on her face told him that she was seriously considering something. That put Zak at ease, a little bit. If she had readily agreed, it would have felt like he was absolutely nothing to her. She was certainly more than nothing to him. It was nice to know that their relationship held importance to both of them. It wasn't something that could be shrugged off and exchanged for something new.

"I guess it was really called a long time ago, huh?" she said.

He nodded his agreement. "We were on-and-off at best the past year."

"Agreed."

"Nothing's really changing. We're just not sleeping together anymore."

"Aw, but that was the best part," she said playfully.

"You'll get over it. I'm sure you can reel in just about anybody you want."

"Yeah, but it'll be different. It's been _years_ and now I'm a legitimate single lady. We had some good times, didn't we?"

"The best."

Somehow the nostalgia had infected her. The feeling was the same one people might get when they're promptly reminded of their simple childhood and its unexpected pleasures. How badly they wanted to return to that place of endless good times. The feelings they'd had were real, but their time was past and they could not be recreated.

"Wow. That's it. We're _just friends_," she dramatically declared.

"Feels the same."

"I was going to say that it feels a little awkward, but that's probably because it just happened."

"Think of it as reverting back to our natural state."

"Gods, I can't believe I wasted about four years on you. And the whole time we never once talked about having something more than that. Why were we together so long?"

"I think I just got used to you."

"You can say that again. I think we kind of used each other."

"What?" He couldn't help feeling a little rocked by such a statement. Had he been used? Had he been using her without knowing it?

"Well, now that you made me really think about it, I think I stayed with you so long because, like you said, I was used to you. I wanted that dependable someone who would always be there for me. Like a safety net. You know, my mother being what she was, and my father flaking out. You were always there. You're my rock, Zak. Thinking about it now, I probably would have kicked you to the curb after a few weeks, like I did with everyone else, but I didn't because breaking up with you would have meant throwing my rock away. The only thing that's stayed constant with me the past few years, other than you, is the service. Everything else is a lot different. I couldn't just let you go after I'd gotten so used to having you there. I'd never had something like that before, and I like having it."

"You may not have noticed, but I really can't go anywhere, even if I wanted to. I'm still your friend. We're stuck in this fleet for the foreseeable future. I can still be your rock if you want me to."

"How gallant."

"You're frakking right it's gallant of me. You used me all this time and I take it as a compliment."

"Oh please, you were using me, too."

"No, I wasn't. I sincerely liked you. I still do."

"You only stayed with me that long because I was your only link to flying. You knew your dad liked me and you just wanted to please him. He says jump, you say 'how high?'."

"Heresy."

"No. A normal person would have broken things off when they left flight school. You stuck around because you knew your father would be upset that you left, and you still wanted him to be all happy and proud of you. If the commander didn't like me, you would not be sitting here. I was your only link to Vipers after you quit. And Lee doesn't count since your dad hated him at the time. Admit it."

"It's not true in the slightest."

"Admit it."

He bit his lip to hold back a smile. Kara could smell her incoming victory and drove it home.

"Admit that you're a shameless daddy's boy, Zak Adama! Admit it! You knew he liked me, and you thought that if we stayed together that he'd like you, too! Admit it! Say I'm right!"

"Fine. There _may_ be some truth to what you're saying."

"Don't you feel better? Getting that off your chest?"

"I feel the same."

"It'll come with time. Can I do this to you all the time now that we're _just friends_?"

"I was hoping we'd actually be nice to each other."

"Psssht! What planet are you living on? Because the rest of us aren't living on a planet anymore. It's everybody for themselves out here."

"Lovely."

Time slid past them like water in their hands, and before they realized it, they'd wasted several hours of time. They could have carried on like this for several more hours if they were called to the ready room over the PA system. All the way there they carried on in a similar fashion. When they arrived, it was clear that the analysis of the core samples was complete and a new approach to how exactly the ice over the liquid salt water (which was the only usable source) would be extracted. Kara was there just to listen, but Zak was wanted for advice, as he was an advisor first and an _engineering_ advisor second (to have the commander explain it). The situation was clearly important since it brought with it the presence of President Roslin. As it turned out, her grievance was not so much about the water, but the method of collection. The current situation called for at least one thousand able-bodies. No one would say who thought up the plan, but it was proposed that the men aboard a ship that was carrying prisoners be utilized as the labor force. Zak said that he didn't see anything wrong with this plan of action. (Isn't advising easy?) Roslin, quite admirably, rallied for the men's rights, citing slave labor as her main concern with having the prisoners be forced to carry out dangerous and hard labor. Zak didn't say so, but the men had been sentenced to hard labor anyway. What the difference in throwing in a bit of danger? Isn't there always danger in situations of hard labor anyway?

It may have been because he was feeling lazy, but Zak immediately regretted his support for the decision when it was declared that he would be going over to the prisoner transport ship, _Astral Queen_, to pitch their idea, i.e. ask dangerous men if they want to volunteer. He had several excuses lined up to explain why he couldn't possibly do this, but his father looked at him with the severe glare of the commander and he knew there was no slipping out of this one. The president had requested him personally to be in attendance with the group that would be boarding _Astral Queen_ and sorting through the harden criminals and the potentially 'safe' men eligible for the task at hand. He felt silly asking so late in the conversation, but Zak eventually voiced his concern over who exactly was leading this mission. Certainly it was not him, a lowly, fresh-minted lieutenant.

With the same no-nonsense demeanor, the commander said, "Captain Adama will be in charge."

Zak took a step closer to his father and asked in a low voice, "Are you sure?"

"I've made my decision."

"The whole reason he stepped down as CAG was so that he _wouldn't be _in charge of people."

"I am confident in his abilities." There was clearly more Bill wanted to say on the matter, but he would not let on in front of all of their guests.

They finished their plans and talked through every conceivable detail of both the rounding up of the manpower for the water extraction and the actual carrying out of the deed. At last, everyone save Zak and Kara was asked to leave. Like a magic switch had been thrown, the three of them dropped their stiff postures and turned back into regular humans.

"I don't know, sir," Kara said lightly. "Apollo with the reins? I'm not sure if he'll appeal to criminals that much."

"It's my call. He needs to do something. I won't waste experienced and qualified officers by letting them lounge around the ship for days. It'll be a good transition for him to get back on track. He's still a captain. Since he won't be piloting anything, I trust you're fine with this assignment."

He spoke in a way that meant he was not asking, but rather _telling_ her what she ought to think. No doubt his mind was made up. From with both Zak and Kara could gather, he seemed rather dead-set on this particular detail of the plan.

"Yes, sir," Kara said. She took the hint.

"Good. I want you to run the schedule as planned. Have you finished the regular flight roster yet?"

"Almost," she admitted sheepishly.

Bill frowned a little. Kara felt suddenly very disgusted with herself for disappointing him. He said, "Get it done as soon as possible. If it's not done before things are tied up on _Astral Queen_, then I'll have Captain Adama help you."

That one burned a little. "I don't need his help."

His solemn face softened. "I left his as a captain so he could help you. You're going to need someone to give you some direction. If it's taken you this long to write a flight schedule and complete the roster, then I'm going to have him do it for you. Consider him your junior captain. If I could, I would let you be CAG of flying maneuvers and just have Captain Adama do all the dirty paperwork. The short time he was CAG was the most efficient you pilots had ever been. Never had a problem with any of the work he did."

Even Kara would admit that Lee had been exemplary with his clerical duties. There was never a pilot that didn't know where they were supposed to be. Of course, all of his work as CAG was some of the most efficient they'd ever experienced. It was more than just his ability to file a paper that made him a good leader for those with wings. His leadership in the cockpit was outstanding, too. Look no further than how he kept his head in the cockpit during their great five-day fleeing of the relentless Cylons. So what if he treated everyone like his friends? If Kara was honest with herself, she would say that her peers seemed to respond overwhelmingly positively to Lee's let's-be-pals style of leadership. Would she ever stop comparing herself to his short reign as CAG? It was doubtful. Every passing minute it dawned on her even more that taking his place had been a giant trap to make her look a fool.

"Okay," she said despite the bruise on her ego. "If I still need him, I'll find him after the mission."

"Good. Keep the rest of the pilots busy. I want everything routine."

"You got it."

"Dismissed."

"Sir," she acknowledged. They exchanged a salute and then she was gone.

Just Bill and Zak remained. The instinct to make a face just to break up the heaviness of the atmosphere crossed his mind, but Zak abstained. The commander circled around to settle himself behind the protective barrier of his desk.

"Something you wanted to say?" Zak prompted.

"Sure. Keep an eye on him."

That appeared to be all, but Zak sought more clarification. "Taking him to mean Lee, why exactly am I doing that?"

"Because I said so."

"It'll be easier if I know what I'm looking out for."

Bill looked harassed, but the other wouldn't let up the pressure. Zak arched his eyebrows and waited. When this went on too long, he decided to prompt his father again. "Does this have anything to do with the talk the two of you had? You know, the one that was ten years overdue?"

The full weight of the lieutenant's stare finally won out and Bill gave a little ground. "In light of the things we talked about, I'd feel better if I had someone that will be honest, and someone I trust, letting me know that things go according to plan."

"So you don't trust him. Right. Okay."

"I do trust him."

"Dad, please. If you trust Lee you wouldn't be telling me to spy on him. If you think something is going on with him that he didn't tell you about, then just go ask him. I'm not going to be a mole and betray the trust Lee already has in me."

"So there is something more that he hasn't told me?"

"I don't know what all he's told you, but if there _was_ something, I wouldn't tell you. They're not my stories to tell. He may be stubborn, but he's not an idiot. He would tell you if there was something seriously wrong. If Lee says he's fine, then he's probably fine enough to do his duties. Look at the CAG thing. He was having doubts and he told you that he couldn't do it right now."

"That's different."

"You've talked to him once in ten years. I'm confident saying that I've had a few more conversations with him than you recently. Lee works the same no matter what the circumstances are. He follows protocol. Doesn't matter if it's refueling the Vipers or a ship-wide emergency; he's going to handle it the same way. That way will always be whatever the book told him to do. When a situation arises where he needs to tell you something, I'm sure he'll do just that."

Bill looked at his youngest doubtfully. Clearly, their opinions of how Lee worked under various circumstances were quite different. The commander held a little bit more suspicion than the lieutenant. The elder could have cited the worn phrase that those closer to the issue couldn't see it clearly. But he was sure Zak would spin that around and cite the fact Bill was closer to the issues Lee had than he was. This would volley back and forth between them, Bill knew, so he decided to do the thing he historically avoided: He took the high road.

"Be that as it may, I would feel better if you let me know if he's acting peculiar. Just this one time. You don't have be very specific, just let me know if anything strikes you as odd. I won't ask again. Put a father's mind at rest."

Zak laughed just once. "Fine. Only this time. And only because I'm so frakking glad that you two finally talked."

As his son left, Bill felt good. Better, perhaps, than he had in several years. He didn't even question why.

_This would be his third visit this summer; the fifth overall. By now, Zak travelled the distance between his house and the facility Carolanne was in on his own. Very familiar with public transit, Zak took the train ride involving two transfers like a pro. Much to his surprise, he found himself looking forward to the visits he had with his mother. Make no mistake, they were not without their awkward moments. But both parties involved could feel the beginnings of a scar closing the wound between them. This day, Zak sat across from Carolanne at the same table they always sat at. In a week, they would be releasing her as a fully recovered human. Privately, this scared Zak a little bit. Despite their healing, he did not want to be around her without other people, potential witnesses that could intervene if she lost it. Because of this, Zak had made a point not the share their mother's release date with Lee. He had a feeling his brother would not be happy to hear that the state was deeming their mother safe for society. _

_ "It's good to see you again," she greeted him._

_ "Yeah."_

_ "How was the ride down?"_

_ "I left early, so I missed the big traffic rush."_

_ Smiling delicately, she said, "I still think your father should be bringing you down here. Those transit stops are filled with dangerous people."_

_ Zak found this a very ironic thing for her to say, but he kept the comment to himself. "It's not so bad. No one really talks to me. I don't look like I have anything worth stealing. Which I actually don't."_

_ "Still. He is your father. He should be doing these things."_

_ "I think he just doesn't want to see you. Considering, well, everything."_

_ "I know. We have talked, though."_

_ That pricked Zak's interest and it showed on his face. "Really?"_

_ "Yes. It was a few weeks ago, but he did agree to see me."_

_ "What did he say to you?"_

_ She took a moment to think about how she'd sensor the encounter. "He finally said what he was really feeling. We were honest with each other about our relationship. It wasn't an easy talk, but I think it was good for us both."_

_ "What did you guys talk about?"_

_ "Things like our marriage and why we did it in the first place. We talked about you and your brother. For better or worse, we said exactly what we think of the other. You can imagine how that went."_

_ "So there's no chance of you guys getting back together?" he asked jokingly. Only a small part of him had still been hoping for the married parents in the blue house with the white fence. Desperately he tried to hide that foolish hope._

_ "No, I think that door has been sealed tight." Perhaps her recovery really had worked, because she actually seemed sensitive enough to detect the dying hope in his eyes. No matter how small it had been. She ungracefully tried to comfort him. "Oh, but we'll still be around for you. Don't think that we don't care about you just because we won't be together. Both of us still love you and want to see you every day that we can. It'll work out, Zak. You'll see. We may not be together, but your father and I are trying harder than ever to make sure you know how much we care."_

_ Carolanne was doubtful about her approach while she watched Zak squirm uncomfortably. He said, "Jeez, Mother. You sound like a greeting card or something."_

_ "That's a pretty grim card, if you ask me."_

_ "No kidding."_

_ "But I mean it, son. We're both here for you even if we're not in the same place."_

_ He said with a small smile, "You guys have never been in the same place."_

_ "I guess you're right."_

_ "I'm already used to it."_

_ "I wish you weren't."_

_ "What?"_

_ "I wish you weren't used to it. If I could do it all over again, I would give you the perfect family. Every kid deserves to grow up in a place where they feel wanted and safe. I never gave you that."_

_ Zak didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything. Carolanne hadn't gotten weird like this since his first visit. He suspected they were about to have 'a moment' now. _

_ "You know they told me to be honest with the people I've hurt?" She actually waited for a response._

_ "No."_

_ "They did. Can I tell you the truth? Tell you what I almost did for you?"_

_ "Sure."_

_ "When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was furious. I was angry with myself, I was angry with your father, and I was angry at you when you were just a lump of cells. At first, I thought I'd just ignore it and maybe it wasn't true. False positive and it would all go away soon. When I couldn't ignore it anymore, it was too late for an abortion. It made me furious all over again. I couldn't stand how your father was trying so hard to look excited about having another baby, and your brother would never be quiet. He was always talking about how much he didn't want a little sibling. Of course, I was home with just your brother, and I was always in a bad mood. He drove me crazy. I had decided that I was going to give you up for adoption. There were a bunch of people that were looking to get a baby, and I had one that I didn't want. I didn't tell anyone, but I made all the arrangements. But then the day arrived and you were born. I got caught up in the moment and figured I could do this. Things always seem really great right after the baby is born." She looked at him with glassy eyes. "But I wish I hadn't kept you. I should have given you to the family I had handpicked for you. Your father was actually there and your brother wasn't making any noise, and I got caught up in the moment; deluded myself into thinking a second kid would make things work. I didn't know. Maybe things would finally click into place now. I should have given you up, though. Every time I see you, I think about how much I wish I had just let them take you. You would be happier, have a real family. Lived in a safe house with two parents that loved each other."_

_ Zak didn't say anything for some time. Plainly, he didn't know what he was supposed to do. Should he burst into tears and say something heartfelt? Say that he loved her and was glad he grew up in a place where he got to see his brother put through cruel and unusual punishments daily? The silence helped him think and he said, "If you had, I would have spent all my time trying to come back to you."_

_ It was honest, at least. If he was adopted, assuming he knew he was adopted, Zak would have relentlessly searched high and low for his birth family. The possibility that there were real parents and maybe even siblings would have driven him mad. There would be no rest for him until he knew where he came from and why he was no longer there anymore. What Zak couldn't say, however, was whether or not the unending search for his birth family would be worse torture than actually living with them. _

_ "I would have said no if you found me and asked to meet. Zak, I wanted to give you it all. I'm so sorry I didn't. I'll never stop regretting how selfish I was."_

_ "I think I'm doing okay considering." He attempted to lighten things up. All this serious talk was making him uncomfortable. Additionally, this hypothetical, alternate-universe stuff was useless. None of this was how things had actually turned out, so what was the point thinking about them. All the two of them could do now was go somewhere else from where they were. Backwards was not an available option, so upward and onward they would go. He told his mother all of this._

_ "I don't expect you to ever forgive me." Carolanne had said some variant of this statement in each of their meetings._

_ Personally, Zak wasn't confident in that either. Perhaps forgiveness was doable, but he could never erase what had already been done. As she herself had said countless times, Carolanne would always exist under the dark cloud of wariness. The descriptor 'child abuser' forever staining her, no matter how many courts declare her recovered and safe. Justice sometimes is achieved outside the law. Or maybe it was satisfactory punishment. Either way, public scorn to the rescue._

_ "Let's just talk about something else, Mother. None of that stuff will change. Let's talk about things that was _can_ change and make better."_

_ "Okay, son. You're right."_

_ And so they talked about the future. Where she would go and where she _wanted_ to go. Would Carolanne work? Where? Where did she want to live? Would she be remarried? Did Zak ever want to come over to see her new place? (No.) Maybe she would be allowed to keep pets in her new home when she got lonely. She had made some friends here. They would meet up when they were free and support each other. They made vague plans to meet up at a neutral location (with several potential witnesses) in a few weeks, and they could catch up some more. Carolanne would continue to see her shrink and make more progress. For what, Zak wasn't sure. Of all the topics they'd discussed, not since the first day did they ever directly talk about what Carolanne had done to her other son. If Lee was mentioned at all, it was never by name. Zak never volunteered information about him, mostly for his brother's own safety. Carolanne never asked since she could hardly stand to think about him, much less speak about what she'd done to him to anyone besides her shrink. As far as she was concerned, the boy had earned a lifetime free from her influence. If things were ever to be acknowledged, it would be on his terms. _

_ When their time drew to a closer and Zak had to hurry to catch the last train before the freaks started coming out of the woodwork, he actually let his mother hug him. It was only for a few brief seconds, but it had seemed to change the whole world for Carolanne. He felt it was unnecessary to tell her how uncomfortable it had made him. If she was going through all this effort to change, maybe he should put some effort into changing, too. Hugging was something normal people did, right? Zak made a vow to himself to work on becoming more normal. If Carolanne could do it after whaling on some kids for fifteen years, then certainly he could do it. And all he did was watch it happen (and create some situations that induced more whaling). When he walked out of her facility, he was embarking on a recovery of his own. _

* * *

Note:

Hello, friends! Probably not what you want to hear, but there will be even worse delays in your future! Seasonal work has been added to my current schedule. I'll probably be skimming over the whole _Astral Queen_ debacle. It's not so important in my scope, but it will be worth mentioning at the beginning of the next piece. Since enough ground has been put down, we'll be coming up on more fun things ('fun'). Up until now, I've really just been trying to give y'all a feel for the characters. I feel kid of bad for writing nine chapters of exposition. But, hey, what can you do? Let's get into the grit now!

Not a totally related note, but I feel like saying that I never really liked the character of Gaius Baltar. That being said, I think James Callis did a masterful job with the role. I can think of absolutely zero ways that he could have done a better job. Perhaps the reason I phase over him is because I cannot possibly write anything worthy of conjuring up his likeness.

The boxing up of Zak and Kara's coupledom may have been a little too easy. If you're thinking that, I agree. It's likely that I'll throw some bumps in there to make it a little less clean. My intention was to make it seem like they pretty much weren't together anyway. Nevertheless, we're in for a transition period. Aren't friends some much more precious?

Thanks for coming back! You're the best.

Cheers,

E.R.


	10. Der Stammbaum

By the time water reserves were finally restored, every being in the fleet had heard about the commotion that had taken place in order to get it. Even the crying little baby nigh a week old probably knew. When those involved finally returned from the _Astral Queen_, a swamping of eager media professionals materialized from nowhere and began asking questions. Some seemed rather enthusiastic to share their experiences; others were looking for nothing more than a nap. The brass, i.e. Commander Adama and Colonel Tigh, saw the day as a huge distraction. The president seemed just as harassed. When the uprising of the prisoners had been dealt with and all hostages were recovered from the ship, a more permanent management was set up aboard _Astral Queen_. Neither the president nor the commander was satisfied with the end result, which Lee thought would probably mean that the deal was as fair as it was going to get. Historically, when no party is happy, that is a sure sign that a good compromise has been reached. He had stood before the two of them on _Colonial One_, his brother beside him, as their superiors did their best to hold down their wrath.

Neither, of course, did this with much success. Lee stood straight as a board and let their frustrations wash over him. Zak stood much less stiffly, but felt their heat none the less. The brothers had never seen such a sight before. Not so much with President Roslin (even though they had seen very little of her character), but more so with the way their father was fighting so hard to reconcile his anger over the situation while simultaneously trying not to yell at Lee like he used to. What resulted was a spectacularly tight and uncomfortable exchange. In the end, Lee's by-the-book philosophy had won out. As it almost always does. Tom Zarek would get a little bit of what he wanted and Roslin would lose a piece of her perfect world. Hurray. There was an election in seven months. Beware the campaigning bombardment to come.

On their way out, Roslin asked to speak with Zak privately. That left Lee to suffer through a very awkward wait with no one but Bill for company. The two of them didn't say a word while they waited for him at the Raptor that would shuttle them back to _Galactica_. They sat side by side with a space wide enough for two people to sit in between them. Lee was listening to the conversation in his head, still trying to figure out the new voice that seemed to be talking _to_ him, instead of just playing back a memory. So enthralled was he in his psychosis that he almost didn't realize his father had started to say something.

"I never asked before. You and Zak look a little roughed up. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he said absentmindedly. The phrase fell out on autopilot, like it did for almost everyone else in the world. Mostly, he was thinking that it was a relief that this new voice didn't make his vision go black. In a lame attempt to keep the conversation afloat, he asked, "Is Cally all right?"

"Doc says she'll be fine. We'll be down a hand for a little while."

"Oh. Too bad." _Can't you do anything right? Is there ever a mission that you've led that hasn't ended in someone's death? Someone always ends up bleeding. And they still call _you_ a captain?_ The voice was quiet but it captured his full attention anyway. It didn't always supply constant commentary, but it was rather active and critical at this particular moment. No doubt that it was being more boisterous because of Bill's presence, just like everything else. Lee could even detect the prelude of ringing in his ears. _Who do you think will be next? A marine? More civilians? Your own brother? Kara?_

"The important thing is that we got water in the end."

It dawned on him that it was his turn to say something. "I guess so."

"You did okay…considering."

Lee accepted the almost-compliment at face value. The chorus growing behind the new, chat-happy voice in his head was a constant reminder that he'd better get back to _Galactica_ soon. There was a show coming and it would be best if the audience was limited to no one. Despite knowing that Bill was making a vast effort to bridge the gap between them, Lee just let his phrase hang there. He couldn't think of anything else to say, and he didn't really want to have a conversation right now anyway. Well, not with someone real. So they sat there with Bill wondering if he'd done something awful and Lee listening to his new mental resident berate him.

Time picked its ass up eventually and Zak came scurrying into the Raptor. The whispers of Bill and Zak filled the fuselage for the duration of the shuttle trip. It must have been a very important exchange of information by the looks of it. They were sitting in a way that blocked anyone from joining (if there had been anyone around that would want to do that). Lee could have listened in if he wanted, but there was no desire in him for that. Besides, he knew whatever was said would probably trickle back down to him sometime. Zak would get mopey if he was told secret. When that happens, he usually ends up telling Lee everything anyway.

Anyway, they made it back to a buzzing ship that was busy organizing for the extraction. The three Adamas went their separate ways. Halfway across the hangar Kara caught Lee by the arm and spun him around to face her.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asked.

"I don't think it matters since I won't be going there anymore."

"No, you won't. You're part of the water patrol now." She didn't quite smile as much as show her teeth at him. "As long as they're down there, you'll be in your cockpit watching their back. Welcome back to flight status, _Junior_ Captain Adama."

"Thanks. What an honor."

"You're damn right it is." Playfully slapping his chest, she continued, "Get going. They're just about ready to head out and that means so are you."

"Yes, sir." He began to walk away.

"Hey, come find me when you're done. We'll drink water until we drown. Shoot the breeze. Like old times."

Waving a hand in acknowledgement, he said, "See you then."

Happy as he was to be back in his Viper, Lee thought that this had come at a very bad time. There were plenty of other things he'd rather do the next several hours besides sit in a cockpit. One of those things involved keeping his sanity. His feet carried him to his locker faster than he would have liked. Pulling his flight suit out, he stared at it for a second. Wondering if it would work, Lee buried his face in the fabric and let loose a couple of muffled screams. The voice in his head laughed at him, but the ringing went away and when he looked up, there was no black mist converging on his vision. Surprised at its effectiveness, it occurred to him that maybe he should have tried doing that sooner. It was no antipsychotic, but it certainly put a Band-Aid on the problem. Belatedly, he looked around him to make sure that no one had seen him do that. No one had, of course. So Lee got himself flight suited up and settled into the cockpit he'd come to think of as his home. He noticed Alyssa perched on the wing of Flat Top's Viper (he was also part of the Water Patrol Brigade), hands tweaking and adjusting something in his malfunctions display. Before jumping down when her job was complete, she noticed Lee. She waved her hand just once, and then slid down to the deck. That was all it took to bring peaceful silence to the lepers in his head.

Over the next few days, normalcy was established in the fleet. Some of those among their numbers, civilians mostly, had a hard time accepting their new normal. That was expected. It must be hard for someone of them to really wrap their heads around the fact that they would actually be living on a spaceship for the foreseeable future. There can be no dark without light of course, and several people worked wonders establishing various markets and services among the fleet. With no immediate, breathing-down-your-neck attackers, it was easier for people to domesticate their accommodations for the long haul. In particular, the two industries that grew the quickest were bars and independent moonshiners. Priorities.

Kara eventually accepted Lee's help writing up the flight schedule. There were several sarcastic comments and advice about taking good notes on Lee's part during this encounter, but in the end a proper roster was produced. Kara grumbled very much when she looked at it in privacy, wondering why she couldn't have come up with it on her own. For frak's sake it wasn't _that_ complicated. This was something she got over relatively quickly. In fact, she was so glad to be done with the paperwork, that she had Lee doing almost everything that involved writing things down or having some loose-cannon paper exchange hands. Somehow they'd created a two-headed CAG that would simultaneously demand excellence from its pilots and spit out its office work like a fat man on a greased slide. In other words, Kara and Lee were so efficient as partners in crime that the rest of the ship couldn't keep up with them. Indeed, almost everyone on the ship could not answer confidently if they were asked who the CAG was.

Because they were not civilians, life on the Battlestar called _Galactica _was downright cheerful. With discipline as their teacher, the residents had gotten over the shock of the destruction of their homes, and become comfortable and satisfied in their new circumstances. Just about anything would simply roll off the backs of people of their character. New routines had been established that some people had come to prefer to the old ones. Kara was among those numbers. On the days when their shifts and duties aligned, she would assemble with Lee, Zak, and that oddball Alyssa in the rec room. They alternated between the engineering and pilots' rec facilities. Their group was sometimes larger, like when Tyrol and some of his deck gang joined them, only to have their asses handed to them in triad. Other times their gang was smaller when Alyssa would be absent, presumably dancing with some guy that Zak always got grumpy about and refused to name. Kara didn't mind. The two of them had bonded in the past days a little at a time up to the point they were at now, which was more than acquaintances but less than solid friends.

After a particularly long, or what at least seemed like a longer-than-usual, CAP, Kara had several repairs waiting for her. The everyday maintenance was something she had come to savor. Sometimes she found herself looking forward to the end of CAP, not the obvious reason of getting to stand up for the first time in hours, but because the familiarity and routine of tending to her Viper brought with it serene comfort. A certain malfunction had been plaguing her for several days when the patrol had ended, and she went to work trying to unravel the riddle. While she knew that the deckhands were there to help solve problems just as these, Kara refused to call them over. This malfunction seemed to be a personal spite from the ship for her specifically. Each time she thought she'd solved it, she'd come to find a few minutes into her patrol assignment that it would be right back up on the malfunctions monitor. After sitting beneath the ship and seeing nothing new that she hadn't already tried to fix it, Kara slid until she was sitting beside it and smacked the floor.

Alyssa had approached then, clad in the orange of a deckhand, and asked, "Is there something wrong, sir?"

She grumbled in response.

"Sorry. If you wouldn't mind repeating that…?"

"My Viper keeps malfunctioning," she over-enunciated. "Weapons won't lock. If the Cylons ever show up I'll be dead in the air, shooting like a dead-eye."

The engineer made a thoughtful sound. Without preamble, Alyssa slid down beside her and scooted under the cockpit with all the famed gracefulness that Kara had heard about.

"What are you doing?" The words fell heavily from her lips.

Alyssa flipped her fingers at Kara. "Get over here, Starbuck. It's your Viper. I'm not going to fix it for you."

She hadn't heard anything about the engineer being bossy, but Kara lay down beside the other. Both of them looking up into the electrical skeleton of the bird both found so dear.

"So what?" Kara asked.

Pointing to something, Alyssa explained, "That's part of your weapons locking apparatus."

"I know that."

"Good. You should know that if you can follow the apparatus and find both its ends, then you can find the sensor and the motherboard that reports back to your monitor."

"O-kay," she said leadingly, hoping there was more.

"What's the error code you've been getting?"

"A5-06," automatically fell out. She'd been gnashing her teeth at the malfunction code for days now. It was beginning to sound like a good idea to have the code tattooed on her forehead. They were one and same by now. "I've repaired just about every bare wire I could find and it still tells me there's a problem."

Alyssa went on with her ice-cold efficiency. "I assume you know your alphabet, so 'A' should tell you which end of the system to look."

Kara realized a second too late that she was actually waiting for an answer. Coughing with minor embarrassment, she said, "The problem is at the sensor's end. Right?" Since when did Kara get nervous when asked questions about Vipers? Somehow all her confidence had deserted her.

"Right. So follow the apparatus to the sensor, and check it out. Your problem isn't in the connection, because you've patched all of those." Alyssa poked at some of the repaired wires in question. "So that means you have to look at the actual radiological and themo sensors. Assuming that you've already run a diagnostic check on the ship's weapons programs, then you just need to find out which sensor is all screwy."

"All the checks said that there were no lapses in the programs."

Alyssa smiled that practiced, mechanical smile. "Then when you find the detection center you should be able to see right away what your problem is. The ships are old and have taken a little bit of a hit recently. You'll figure it out." That was all she said before she slid out from under the Viper.

Still a little flustered, Kara said, "Wait! I've never had to calibrate the weapon locks before. I don't know where…"

The other looked mildly amused. "Then this is an excellent opportunity to get to know her. Follow the apparatus and find her sensors. You'll know them when you see them. Then figure out which one needs attention." Alyssa patted the wing once. "If you take care of her, she'll take care of you."

"It's a boy," Kara said with her old swagger back.

"Then I think I better leave you two alone." Waving her hand slightly, she added, "Take care of _him_. He's trying to help you help yourself. It's not anyone's job but yours to make sure your bird is ready to go."

From that moment onward, Kara and Alyssa's bond grew little by little. Theirs was a sturdy foundation, but it was built a little bit at a time. After moving on from the common ground of Vipers, they graduated to new topics of conversation. Kara even found herself spewing some very personal feelings she had about her relationship with Zak and how she felt now that they were Just Friends. Alyssa had listened with a look of mild of interest, which was very misleading since she would give the most in-depth and well-thought responses and insights when asked what she thought. When Kara felt that their conversations were becoming uncomfortably one-sided and focused on herself, she began to retaliate with questions for the engineer. Her answers were far from boring, but she delivered them stony faced, as if she was reading them from an encyclopedia. Once or twice Kara found herself thinking about how good Alyssa would be at triad since she only had one face and that one was her poker face.

It wasn't all fun and triad games, but it certainly felt that way. Since she had all the fun duties of being CAG, it was her responsibility to arrange the traditional festivities of a pilot's thousandth landing. But as things usually go with Kara, she had almost completely forgotten about it. It was this sort of housekeeping that was supposed to be Lee's job to keep track of. He, as luck would have it, was on the dreaded double-time CAP, and had not been aboard _Galactica _for several hours. So that left no one around to remind her to do this. By the time it all came flooding back to her, Flat Top should have already landed. The commander had walked in on her digging through the CAG's office looking for the helmet she and Lee had prepared early (in case of a situation exactly like this one). Finally locating it and bounding out of the hatch, she walked along at Bill's side.

"Staying on top of things, I see," he said.

"You know me. Always good with this kind of thing."

He laughed softly. "It's good to see you working successfully with a partner."

"Yeah. You probably would have fired me by now if it wasn't for Lee."

"Oh, I don't know about that. I certainly would have had to talk to you before now."

"I guess I didn't really know what I was talking about when I thought I would be able to pull this off with zero experience."

"I hope this has been a great learning experience for you. One day you may even be able to do it by yourself."

Feigning a scandalized look, she said, "It was your idea to ask Lee to help in the first place."

"And I've only made you co-dependent."

"You must say so, sir, that we are the only thing on this ship that's working at maximum efficiency. Neither of our other duties have been compromised by our symbiosis."

"He's got you saying things like 'symbiosis' now, too, huh?"

"I think that's a side effect of your other son actually, sir."

It was the commander's turn to fake a look of confusion. "Oh, if you say so."

A rather large and hurried group of people went bustling through the corridor, showing only the slightest bit of courtesy to the commander and none to Kara. They wore medical patches. People were traveling in the opposite direction looking very amused. Interest piqued, she reached out and stopped Alyssa, who was following a group of amused people from the hangar.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"What?"

Rephrasing, "What's so funny to everyone? Has Flat Top already landed?"

"Yeah, he landed about a minute ago. I think everyone is laughing because Apollo crashed on the flight deck, though."

"What?" The rather sharp question burst forth from Bill.

"Captain Adama crash landed. People think it's funny."

The commander and the CAG get off at a renewed clip, the latter dragging Alyssa back the way she'd come. All their hurry ended awkwardly when they made it to the hangar and just stopped since it was so packed with celebrating people. Kara and Bill scanned the crowed urgently. After a moment, Alyssa must have decided to be helpful, because she pointed to where Lee sat on a Raptor with a member of the med staff before him. Kara didn't pull her along this time as she and the commander made their way through the crowd. Along the way she passed the decorated helmet to another pilot so that he may present it to Flat Top. This delay made her the last to reach Lee.

"What's going on?" Bill was asking when she caught up. He had a way about him that demanded respect from anyone within earshot.

He had clearly been talking to Lee, but the medic answered, "He's concussed, sir."

"I'm _not_," Lee said emphatically.

"He is," the medic assured them.

"Well, what happened? Why'd he crash?" Kara asked. She looked Lee in the eye. "Why did you crash?"

It was the medic that fielded the inquiry again. "He said he doesn't remember. The other pilots with him said that he was in approaching just fine and then he just kept on going until he hit something. He wasn't conscious until they brought him down to the hangar."

Bill looked right at his son and asked, "Is that true?"

"The Viper can be fixed."

Both Kara and Bill looked mildly amused at that answer.

"If you don't mind, Commander," the medic said, "We need to get a scan to see how bad the damage is."

"I'm _fine_," Lee protested.

"Take him to sickbay," Bill said in that quiet tone of his that carried such finality.

The son muttered things that sounded very much like 'ridiculous' and 'overreacting.' It took more than one person to forcefully lead him away and into sickbay. Bill turned around to face Kara with an odd look on his face. If she didn't know any better, she would have said that he almost looked happy, in a put-out kind of way.

"That boy is going to be the end of me," he said so that only she could hear. The heavily veiled fondness was evident only to Kara. Perhaps he was excited to get to take care of his exiled son. A bit eager to make up for lost time, maybe.

Kara didn't think it would be politic to tell him that the time to take care of his baby had passed. That boy he was talking about was now a man. Finding it rude to point this out, she just said, "I don't doubt that, sir."

_Alyssa Windsor came from a place where the residences were so far apart that a city couldn't contain them. On a planet where much of it was covered by cities, and more mildly, very busy suburbs, those from the wooded country were remarkably different. Life moved much more slowly where she came from, and the people were so isolated from each other that the parents had so many children simply so that they wouldn't be lonely. The children would travel more than a half hour from all directions to attend a school that housed every education level available in a single, one-story building. The distances between inhabited locations was so vast that addresses were replaced with only coordinates, the school building included._

_ That being said, the children that gathered at the school were not so different in attitude than those who lived in the vast, vertical-reaching cities. Indeed, every morning when Alyssa and three of her siblings would arrive, they dispersed to their respective grade levels and endured the torture of education that was far below their level. Alyssa found very useless the practice of recess, a time allotted for the children to frolic outside and call each other names out of an adult's earshot. What else could the time be used for, since that was all she ever experienced? There she would sit on a swing and listen to her fellow classmates make vain jokes about her appearance and her intelligence; often they combined the two._

_ All too often she heard them call, "Fat-lyssa is so smart because she keeps her brain in her stomach. There's no other way someone could be that fat!" _

_ Other times it was, "Look out, Shelly! Alyssa Round-sor is facing this way. The button on her pants might pop off and kill you!"_

_ No doubt about it: Alyssa Windsor was a fat kid. And for the most part this didn't bother her. A lot of the time she was trying to figure out why her brothers got so mad when they found out what was going on. Her older brother, Marc, with whom she was closest, had gotten ferociously upset when he was picking her up from her dance class and heard one fellow dancer toss a particularly vindictive comment at her as a parting gesture. Marc had stalked up to the offender and rained down upon them violent threats. Alyssa, not wanting to cause a scene that would in turn cause her mild anxiety, had pulled her brother away as quickly as she could. On the way home, he tried to make her understand why she couldn't let people talk to her that way. _

_ "It's wrong, Alyssa!" he had said. "You don't deserve to be treated like that."_

_ "But it doesn't bother me."_

_ "Just because you're not bothered, doesn't make it right! Stand up for yourself! You can't let people treat you like that. If you don't demand respect from your peers, how is anyone else going to respect you? Take pride in yourself! You're valuable and they should all know it."_

_ "But they're right. I am fat." She stared at him with her patented look of pure emptiness while he avoided her gaze, uncomfortable with her plain statement of the truth. _

_ "That doesn't mean you don't have to be respected," Marc said with a fraction of the confidence he'd had a moment ago. _

_ "If they're right and it doesn't bother me, why should I say something? Dad always says that it's a virtue to be able to take critique graciously."_

_ "But those idiots are in no position—they don't have the authority to say those things to you. It's wrong and mean and degrading, it reflects poorly on their parents and how they were raised, and they're…"_

_ "Insensitive," Alyssa said blankly. "Just like me." After a pause, she continued in a different, more analytical tone of voice, "You know, Marc, one could argue that you don't want anyone to hear that I've been labeled as 'fat' because you're just as bad as those other kids are. If I am henceforth known as 'the fat girl', then no one will want to work with me in the future, or, gods forbid, take me on a date or marry me or something, because you believe in the stigma that fat is equal to 'bad', 'stupid', and 'inferior.' So it kind of seems, at least to me, that you're in the same boat as the kids that just come out and say it to my face. Fat is stupid, and stupid is bad, and you don't want a fat, stupid, bad sister attached to your name."_

_ Marc blinked at his little sister (since the road to their farm was almost always devoid of other vehicles, he evidently thought this was a safe thing to do instead). That speech seemed entirely ridiculous when he saw that it had come from a ten year-old girl wearing pink tights with runs in them and a hand-knitted sweater that depicted deer jumping around with giant snowflakes. More than anyone else in the family, Alyssa had directly inherited everything about her appearance from their mother. Right down to the roundness of her frame. _

_ "Lyssy, you know that's true. I love you no matter how fat or skinny you are; no matter how smart or stupid, or good or evil. It really pisses me off when people do that to you and you just let it happen. You're better than that. I want better things for you. You should want better things for yourself."_

_ All she had to say to that heartfelt admission was, "I don't like it when you call me Lyssy."_

_ He found that amusing. In fact, almost the entire family felt a breath of relief escape them whenever Alyssa said something that revealed she had a personality. Above all of them, the father of the house was very devout and held private suspicions that his youngest daughter was tainted and in desperate need of the gods help. Often he talked to his wife about how much she needed to be saved. _

_ "Why not? You're more than just my sissy. You're my Lyssy."_

_ "Then if you like me so much, can't you just let me take care of this 'problem' by myself. On my own time." She added the last bit for emphasis. _

_ He did not, of course, want to do this. However, Marc felt it was only fair to let her solve her own problems. She had, after all, just called him out on his hidden-until-now prejudice against overweight people. A very strong desire to never be hung out to dry like that by a ten year-old kid again took up residence within him. _

_ It was not until a few weeks later, at rehearsal for her ballet recital that Alyssa finally and reluctantly addressed her bullies. After the whispered taunt reached her ears ("Don't let Fat-lyssa jump across the floor. She'll probably crack it!"), she slowly spun around to face them. _

_She said, "Why are you making fun of me?"_

_ One replied, "Because you're fat."_

_ "Yes, but why is that a reason to make fun of me?"_

_ All three of them looked confused. The question, if they understood it correctly, seemed rather redundant. _

_ Alyssa noticed this and thought of better way to ask her question. "If I wasn't fat, would you still make fun of me?"_

_ "I don't know. Maybe." The three of them shrugged at her; three identical black torsos with pink legs. _

_ "If I asked you to stop saying things about my size, would you stop?"_

_ They all looked equally unsure. Eventually one said, "I guess. Probably." The others nodded in agreement. _

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because you asked us to, I guess. I mean, if you say stop…"_

_ "Okay," Alyssa said. Simple as that. "Then please stop. It's upsetting my family."_

_ That was when she realized just how much power there was in her ability to make other people feel uncomfortable. Knowing it existed did not mean she ever really used it. There were, after all, very few things in the world that she wanted that required such means to be obtained. So things carried on. Puberty, that pituitary devil, came early for her, and she was stretched painfully and quickly. The new height took with it the soft cushion around her middle and stretched it thin along her new lines. Unlike most girls, Alyssa demonstrated her irregularity again when she did not gain weight and womanly curves like her other pubescent female peers. Though her hips did widen more than most, the bones were sharp so that she looked like a shrunken, bony pear. She became birdlike (much to her schoolmates pleasure, since they pointed this out to her constantly). Her ballet instructors were delighted at her long and spindly limbs, and her fellow dancers never did make fun of her since the day she'd asked them not to. That did nothing to stem the seamless transition her classmates made from Fat-lyssa to the Praying Mantis. The jokes slid from her convex gut to her flat-as-a-boy chest. It all ceased after she turned twelve and crashed the crop duster, locking her eight year-old brother into an inferior mind two years his junior and several IQ points lower for the rest of his life. Because after that she no longer attended classes in that tiny school building; instead she studied with the Colonial Engineers on Caprica where no one cared in the least that she looked like a pear with points instead of rounds. _

By the time a proper scan had been done, Lee was beginning to think that he really was concussed. Unless his psychosis had decided to become more violent, there was no other explanation for the nauseated feeling in the pit of his stomach or the pounding in his head. Certainly the ringing in his ears was familiar (and it had been present in his head since before the crash anyway), but the vicious luminosity that was coming from every conceivable light source and stabbing insistently at his eyeballs was new. So taken off guard was he by the new effects that Lee had stopped making half-assed bids for escape. They had placed him behind a curtain to wait for someone to come back and tell him if his brain was about to explode. A small part of him was curious to see what his brain looked like. Perhaps it would be possible to see just how scrambled he was upstairs. The curtain flew aside but it was Zak that was standing on the other side and not Doc Cottle or some other lesser doctor-in-training. Lee did not immediately recognize him because of all the light that had rushed in before his eyes could focus. A grunt escaped him.

Zak laughed. "That's what I thought. Came to see if there was an official word yet." He entered his space and slid the curtain closed behind him.

"Nope," Lee said through gritted teeth.

Zak sat beside his brother. He watched the other's eyes roll and his eyelashes flutter. "I remember that look," he said quietly.

"What?"

"That look on your face," Zak said while flipping a hand in Lee's general direction. "That's your winter look."

"My winter look," he repeated.

Smirking a little, Zak wondered how hard he had hit his head his time. "When Mother would go to town on you in the winter," he explained. "That's always what you looked like when you sat with me in my room afterwards. That far-away, brain dead look."

"Oh." Lee covered his eyes and massaged them with the heels of his hands.

"You look awful. I guess that's what repeated concussions do to a person."

Mumbling through his hands, "I've never had a concussion before."

That, too, made Zak laugh. "Yeah, right. There's not a snowball's chance in hell that you made it out of there without ever once getting a concussion."

Lee took one hand away from his face and used it to steady himself on Zak's shoulder.

He put his own hand on his brother's shoulder and frowned. "What is it?"

An awkward moan passed his lips. "I don't feel right. The ringing is so loud…never been so loud before."

"What?" Zak asked with mild amusement. "You hear ringing _all_ the time?"

"Pretty much all the time. That's why I crashed. Aaaah, I'm going to throw up."

Still laughing quietly, "Why did you crash?"

"Because I'm crazy, Zak."

"You're crazy?"

"Yeaaaah," he said sloppily, sounding so exhausted. "You know, the ringing starts and then _poof!_ Can't see a thing and the flashbacks start."

"Flashbacks." For some reason, the more Lee stuttered crazy thoughts the more Zak's good humor began to fade. It seemed he was only capable of repeating the last few words that his brother said.

"I don't _see_ anything. They're just sound flashbacks, you know? They start playing over and over, and they just get to me. And now there's the new one that never stops. I just want it to be quiet. I'm tired of all the sound and the voices. It makes me want to scream. Zak, I'm just so _tired_ of it all."

"Lee, are you serious?"

"Of course I'm serious. Gods, Zak, what sort of person would lie about being crazy? It's the crazy ones that lie and say they're not."

"I think you're confused."

"I think _you're_ confused. I've never been had so much clarity in my life than right now…and it _hurts_."

"Maybe you should lie down and go to sleep for a while. You're not making any sense."

Lee withdrew his hand from Zak's shoulder and returned it to its place over his eyes. Zak kept his hand firmly in place on his brother's shoulder though. The way he was folding over, Zak wouldn't be surprised if Lee took a nosedive into the ground if his support was taken away. Through his hands Lee said, "Don't tell me that you never noticed, Zak."

"Never noticed what?"

It was with surprising swiftness and coordination that Lee sat up straight and dropped his hands so that he could stare Zak in the eye. "Noticed that I'm a wreck, you dolt. I'm _crazy_. You had to have noticed that I was a moping, depressed _wreck_ from the moment I left Mother's house."

Zak bit his lip uncertainly. He didn't want to give voice to the thoughts in his head.

Lee continued, "You saw where I lived. Does that look like a place where a normal, healthy person would choose to live? Didn't you think that it would make a hell of a lot more sense if I had just chosen to live with our grandfather? Because that's what a normal person would do. That whole time and you never noticed me popping pills? You cannot tell me you didn't have at least a little bit of suspicion."

"Well, I knew you were having a hard time..."

A light disbelieving huff of laughter left through Lee's nose. "A hard time. Yeah, I had a hard time. That's for sure."

It was Zak's turn to speak, and he really didn't have anything good on hand. His rapid search for words was interrupted by an echoing smash somewhere far off on the ship and a flickering of the florescent lights. To his trained ears, Zak could hear the distinct sounds of the gravity generators _whoosh_ing to compensate for the explosion and its concussions. He was up on his feet in a second.

"That was definitely a detonation," he said out loud, mostly to himself.

"Then hurry off, Wonder Boy," Lee mumbled from his position on the exam table.

"What, and just leave you here?" For emphasis, Zak turned around to face him.

Lee simply jangled his foot so that the handcuff around his ankle clanked off of the supporting strut of the table that he was evidently connected to. "I'm certainly not going with you unless you want to take the table too."

Familiar with this particular trick, the commander and the doctor had come up with it a long time ago to keep unruly patients from escaping. The guys that got in drunken brawls often wanted to go hunting for more opponents, or at the very least, they wanted to be difficult and resist treatment. To see his brother caught in one of these traps almost made Zak laugh again.

"I guess I'm supposed to just leave you here."

"I'll say."

Klaxons started to whine somewhere. They seemed to be calling Zak's name. Without much conviction, he said, "There's really nothing I could do; whatever's wrong can't be fixed by me."

"Quit frakking around and just go, Zak!" Lee said irritably.

He felt torn. There was a lot more he wanted to hear about this self-proclaimed insanity, but there was also an emergency and the siren song of that was becoming too strong. Besides, Zak reasoned with himself, Lee would be right here when he got back. They could talk more about this then. So he said, "I'm going to chalk your sass up to that concussion. I'll come back as soon as I can." His mind wandered, and he lightly added, "Don't go anywhere."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

As it turned out, the commotion came to him. No more than a few minutes after Zak left, there was a lot of noise and bustle in sickbay. The emergency life stations were being fired up and the voices of the medical staff were rising with calculated urgency. Lee wished they quiet down. The catastrophe must have been pretty bad, but he felt that was no reason for them go be so rowdy. It felt like someone had turned up the volume. The ringing was most prevalent. He wouldn't be surprised if his eardrums started bleeding. In fact, Lee almost counted it as a blessing when his vision went blank, and the only thing he could hear was another one of his greatest hits playing in his ears.

Only three songs had played back to back before someone interrupted. The slaps to his face felt just like another part of the flashbacks, but soon the pungent and unwelcome aroma of smelling salts forced their way into his nose. Just like that the blackness melted away and all sounds were reduced to the muted ringing that was the constant background soundtrack for him.

"Come on. Let's get up, Captain," a rough voice said.

He struggled, but Lee managed to sit up. His chained ankle was no help at all. The intangible feeling that a long time had passed since he was last 'with it' hung around him. His eyes focused enough to reveal that he was being visited by Doc Cottle himself and the stone-faced commander. He attempted to nod in respect to both of them.

"Would you mind?" He was referencing the chain.

The good doctor smirked, but indulged the request. "That should teach you to listen to my goddamn orders."

"Whatever you say. What was all that noise before? The water blow again?"

The commander fielded that question. "No, not the water. There was an accident on the flight deck. We're a few pilots short now."

"We were quite busy," Cottle said. "That's why it took so long to get back to you."

Lee shrugged just a fraction of an inch. "Hardly even noticed."

The doctor found that amusing. "Anyway. I hope you're comfortable, because you'll be staying with here."

"For how long?"

"Until I'm sick of you taking up space in my sickbay."

"Okay. How long is that? Approximately."

"Captain," the commander said. Apparently, there was nothing more to that thought.

"Captain what?" Lee asked.

Cottle answered instead. "You'll stay until all symptoms subside, because, as your scan showed, this isn't your first. There could be a bleed, seizures; I don't need to lecture you on the complications resulting from multiple concussions. You'll be observed until I'm convinced you're fine. Now," he said in a new tone that assured all parties present that he would not be taking anyone's shit. "I trust you won't be trying to escape anymore."

Lee held up his hands in surrender. "As you wish."

"Experiencing any symptoms now?"

"Yes, I suppose so. Can—can we do this later?"

The doctor shrugged. "Fine. I'm busy. Someone will be back later. Don't expect any extended sleep here, Captain. You'll be woken up every few hours."

"Right."

The doctor apathetically left but the commander remained. Since he didn't want to deal with his father, Lee let himself fall back into the table. Was it just his imagination or was the pressure in his head increasing just because of Bill's presence?

"Lee," he said quietly.

He must have really smacked his head good, because there was no way there was _actually _a hint of concern in Bill's voice. A moan was Lee's only response. It was not meant to be interpreted as an invitation to open a conversation. But that was just what Bill did.

"Lee, Cottle showed me your brain scan."

"Interesting."

"There was…it was so…"

"Use your words please, Commander." For some reason, Lee was being very sassy. Zak was right to chalk it up to the concussion. Perhaps he should consider having a concussion as an excuse for everything he did. "No disrespect, but I'm really tired."

"Cottle says it's really jacked up in there," he finally said rather lamely. 'Jacked up' wasn't a phrase that came naturally from the commander's lips.

"Is that all?"

"It's just that I keep thinking where it all came from…" Again, he made it sound like there was more to the thought that was left unsaid.

"If you get it in three guess, you'll get a prize."

"Lee." Sternly this time. Almost fatherly. "It's not funny."

"That's not really up to you, is it?"

"Lee."

"Bill."

"Everything she did was right there in those pictures."

With a heavy sigh, Lee rolled his pounding head to look at his father. The ringing was rising up again rather quickly. "Dad, stop."

"What?"

"_Stop_. I don't want to do this right now. Not yet. There was an accident today, and let's just leave it at that."

"Son."

"_Stop_."

"When, then?"

"I don't know. I'll let you know." Lee turned his head away again.

Bill stood in his place waffling about what to do next. His tail went between his legs and he bent to his son's will out of guilt (again). If it were Zak that he wanted to discuss something with, Bill knew he would have pushed the issue until he got all the information he wanted. Not Lee though. Bill felt too awful about abandoning him to his mother's mercy to coerce him into talking. He wondered why that was since he had left Zak there all the same. The only difference was the physical abuse.

It seemed like a good time to take a gamble. So Bill put hand on his son's shoulder. "Feel better, son."

Like a whip his head swung back around towards Bill. "Has my flight status been revoked again?"

At the curtain Bill said, "No. When you're cleared here, your Viper will be waiting for you."

And wait he did. But the pesky symptoms would not subside, which, of course, delayed his release back into the land of the living. So horribly unnecessary did he find this confinement that Lee found himself looking forward to the service for those killed in the explosion on the flight deck. Guilt plucked at him, but it wasn't enough to stop him from enjoying the escape. It took only the smallest provocation to get him going about why it was absurd for them to keep him in sickbay. Why couldn't he just stop by if symptoms started acting up? There were even non-flying jobs that Lee suggested he could do. There was a batch of recruits coming in, hoping to fill up the cockpits of the recently vacated Vipers. Surely there was something for him to do with all of that mess. They couldn't honestly trust Kara to get through that mess without some assistance. It appeared that the commander had every confidence that she would indeed teach her rag-tag fledglings how to leave the nest and fly on their own.

It was beginning to sound like a good idea to start lying to the medics and saying that he was no longer experiencing any symptoms. Could they really tell if he still had a headache? It seemed like he could tell them that he'd sprouted a pig's tail, and they would just take his word for it. Lee did not start lying, of course. That would be wrong. It would also be useless because the ringing in his ears was constant. It only stopped when his brain decided it was a good time to play back another track from the Greatest Hits of Childhood album. Without fail, Lee would come back to lucidity with biting scent of smelling salts in his nose. _Every. Single. Time._ Some member of the medical staff would come and find him like that. 'Suffering from blackouts' was the reason they refused to release him from their dungeon. So everyone scratched their heads and wondered why. Lee played right along with them, shrugging and looking just as baffled as to why this kept happening. It was true that he could solve this medical conundrum by just admitting that a concussion was not causing these symptoms. It was obviously the onset of another episode. But Lee was never going to _say _that. Bill attempted another conversation with more earnest (and very genuine-looking concern) upon hearing the reason for the hold-up on Captain Adama's reinstated flight status. Claiming pardon from any conversations with Bill by complaining of a migraine, Lee successfully kept his father away. Who knows what sort of psycho-babble he might say to him while listening to a memory? No, it was safe to keep him away. He'd already spilled too many secrets due to his head trauma-induced loose lips. And look how that had turned out.

No, the commander was an unwelcome visitor. Instead, Lee talked with Kara. She turned up with stacks of paper in hand. There was no relief from the shitty duties of CAG that she had sublet to him. Lee didn't mind. In fact, he liked feeling like he still had some value and was not just waiting a bed in sickbay. She did express some disapproval at first, but Kara soon explained to him that she would believe him if he said he was good to go. As the only person fully aware of the extent of his damage, it was very important she chose not the share those details. Kara explained when she came to see him the first time (before the service) that Zak had approached her and demanded to know all the nitty-gritty details of his mental ailments. A harsh whisper conversation followed. Lee explained that he may have said some things he hadn't meant to when Zak came down to sickbay. Kara championed the belief that it was past time that Zak knew all of this anyway. She had had no choice but to fill in a few of his gaps. He was very thankful that she had not told Zak _everything_, but instead told him that he would have to ask Lee directly if he wanted to know anymore.

Stress and worry began to plague Lee's mind when Zak never came back. Since he now had a pretty good picture of who his brother really was, Zak must hate him, Lee thought. He didn't expect it, but Lee actually wanted him to come back so that he could explain more fully. As the hours dragged on in sickbay (and as sleep and hunger aluded him), Lee found himself agreeing more and more with Kara: It was well beyond time that Zak knew everything. If he was being quite honest, Lee thought that Zak should have been the first know; before even Kara. Maybe he was just a little peeved and needed time to get used to the idea of having a crazy brother. Kara had told Zak Lee's exact diagnosis and plainly admitted that medication was needed, but beyond that, she didn't say much. The pessimistic part of Lee (which, in most cases, was the dominant part) kept telling him that there wasn't anything else Zak needed to know for him to come to the conclusion that his older brother was insane and he no longer wanted to be associated with a broken human. Because why else would Zak not have come back? Hell, even the socially-stupid Alyssa had stopped by in her renovated pointe shoes to have an awkward chat for a few minutes. But why not Zak?

Kara could only do so much to distract him with her banter about the recruits. It was all he had to listen to, so Lee focused on what she had to say. In all likelihood, he threw himself into these conversations with too much gusto, but what can you do really? A beam of sunshine named Kara was still shining down. Since she had relaxed her Mother Goosing, their friendship was back on its rails. Sidelong glances and protective eyes did not escape his notice, but Kara held back any comments. They were just friends that had fun. Neither needed to say that they would have the other's back. That was inherent. Lee was relieved to see that Kara had finally remembered that. When she wasn't breathing down his neck, he felt more inclined to talk to her anyway. He didn't even complain when doing all _her_ paperwork gave him headaches. What are friends for if they're not doing your work for you?

_Every year when the leaves would begin to change back home, Alyssa would check her brother Andrew out of his assisted living institution and meet up with her siblings Marc and Melissa for a partial-family dinner. The two oldest brothers had somehow never been interested in this arrangement. But the four of them loved it and always met up in the same place every time. This year, Alyssa's first with CE-C, was her turn to host. Having already spent the day with Andrew, the two of them joked around in the tiny kitchen of her modest apartment. In a year's time she would be moved out of this place and living with two roommates. But for now she had a single. _

_ Alyssa and Andrew had spent the day picking out things that they (she) would prepare for dinner that night. Tradition dictated that Andrew pick the dessert and the meat. Both of them must have been thinking of home and the type of meal their mother would have prepared this time of year, because Andrew's choice was venison. They were careful to buy this at a sketchy-looking butcher's place. Since her current residence was halfway between home and her lab, Alyssa was just close enough to the sparse woodlands to still find country hunters selling their fresh kills (that they had likely processed themselves). That was the meat you could trust; an old Windsor family philosophy. _

_ Her little brother was telling her a story about a game he had played with his best friend at the facility while she roasted venison tenderloin and attended to the venison sausage that the two of them had decided would be good to eat while they cooked everything else. The scent that filled her sterile apartment was delicious. _

_ Andrew stopped his report on his game and asked, "Are you going to get married, Lyssy?"_

_ She nearly dropped her bowl of vegetables. "I don't know. What makes you ask that?"_

_ "You cook and make it smell nice. That's why Daddy married Momma."_

_ "I'm not like Momma," she said. Sliding a bowl of steamed potatoes over to him, Alyssa added, "Want to mash those?"_

_ Agreeing to the task eagerly, Andrew kept up the conversation. "But you're a girl."_

_ "I am a girl."_

_ "So you should get married and always make the house smell good."_

_ "That's not for me, little brother."_

_ "Why not?"_

_ "Do you think you'll get married? Is marriage for you?"_

_ He laughed that goofy, eternally childish laugh of his. "I won't get married, silly. I'm broken. Broken people don't get married."_

_ The old guilt monster bit at Alyssa's insides, but she was used to it and didn't let her pain show in her face. Andrew knew what he was and what had happened to him. Even though he threw around blunt truths as much as she did, it still made her breath catch in her throat sometimes. "You know I don't really like people."_

_ "You don't have to like people. You just have to like a person." Every now and again the brilliance of what-could-have-been shined through. _

_ "I haven't liked anyone so far. It's been nineteen years, so I don't think it's going to happen. Besides, I'm like you, Andrew. I don't understand people. No one has the patience to live with people like us."_

_ "What if someone really liked you, and you were friends? Would you marry him if he asked?"_

_ "I don't think so."_

_ "Oh."_

_ Alyssa poked at the sausages some more. "Why? What made you ask all this stuff?"_

_ "Just thinking. You're good, Lyssy. You should have good things."_

_ If she was capable of it, Alyssa was sure her heart would have been warmed to hear it. As it was, she did not feel anything directly. Her brain told her that she _should_ feel that way and she faked it appropriately. "That's nice of you to say. You deserve really great things, too. You're really good, Andrew. Pure. If I could love anyone, it would be you."_

_ He pounded away at the potatoes with a shy smile on his face. Before long Marc and Mel arrived. They bounded into the kitchen to take over the rest of the cooking. Alyssa poured them drink from the wine that Mel brought. She had no wineglasses, so they drank from plastic cups. For herself and Andrew, she poured cherry juice into cups that had built in straws. She kept these in her house for exactly this occasion. For some reason seeing the liquid snake through the spiraled straw delighted her younger brother. She also found herself almost smiling when she drank from the long straw that was shaped into glasses. Those she saved only for herself. _

_ Mel completed the finishing touches on the base Alyssa had established. The boys placed the table and they all sat around it. Classical ballet music danced around them. Happy and comfortable small talk flowed freely. Each of the oldest took turns talking to Andrew. His affliction made it very difficult for him to stay focused on conversation, making it necessary for someone to engage him in some other way. It was best to just go along with wherever he decided to lead. By the time they were done eating, Marc had taken Andrew outside so that they might study the stars. Alyssa had settled herself down and served disgusting (in her opinion) tea to her sister. Now she would tuck herself in to hear the grievances of Mel's latest romantic exploits. As a semi-professional dancer, she had a lot of people's interest to entertain. Mel knew full well that Alyssa didn't actually care to hear love stories of a twenty-something, but she always faked being a good listener that they did this anyway. _

_ Today Mel felt like throwing caution to the wind. She announced, "I'm leaving the company at the end of the holiday season."_

_ Indeed, she almost evoked an emotion on her little sister's face. "Oh. Why?"_

_ "I don't think dancing for a living is really all I thought it was cracked up to be."_

_ "Now I don't believe that for a second."_

_ "I'm serious. You know I've been dancing with Edel Caprican Ballet since I was sixteen. I've only ever gotten two solos since then. I don't feel like I'm good enough, and frankly, I don't think I want to do it anymore."_

_ Alyssa held back a smile. "Well, you don't stretch your feet."_

_ "You know the dance school that's not too far from here? You go right past it on the way to see Andrew." _

_ "I know the place. Bethany School of Dance."_

_ A nod confirmed that this was indeed the place. "I went there with one of the other corps dancers a few times. They're looking for another teacher. I think I'm going to go for it. I want to teach other kids how to dance. To really dance, you know? From the heart."_

_ "Are you sure that's what you want? Mel, you've said to me all the time that you love the stage. I can quote the very words you said about being lost without performance."_

_ "I know, I know. But I've changed. I love to dance. The best way I can showcase that is to teach others how to feel it too. Besides, Bethany's has a professional group. They do local performances. I don't mean to sound full of myself, but I think I can get a little more exposure if I danced with them instead." _

_ "I guess that's great. I mean, if it's really what you want. I admire everything you do. It's why I started dancing; wanted to be just like my big sister."_

_ She rolled her eyes. "Yes, well, we're not the same kind of dancer."_

_ "What do you mean?"_

_ "Alyssa, don't take this the wrong way—"_

_ "I don't take _anything_ the wrong way."_

_ "I know, shut up. Alyssa, you're not a _real_ dancer just because you know how to dance."_

_ "I don't understand."_

_ Melissa thought that it was probably the first time she'd ever heard her sister say that but didn't comment on it. "Well, you, you know, you don't actually feel anything. You know the movements and execute everything perfectly, but you don't feel anything. It's all mechanical for you. There's no heart in your performance." _

_ Mel would be lying if she said there wasn't discomfort and apprehension gripping her throat as she waited for Alyssa to respond to that comment. Her sister just alternated between blinking and staring for a long moment. Grey eyes without any color or livelihood bore right into Mel. Impassive to the extreme. And that was why she would never be a great dancer. The giver must feel the emotions she wishes the audience to receive. Obviously, Alyssa would never be a true dancer in that sense because she does not feel anything. No matter what she said and did, Mel knew that her sister did care a great deal about dancing. She would not have stuck with the art for so long otherwise. _

_ "You're right," Alyssa finally said. "But I think it's fair to point out that I'm trying."_

_ Honestly, she could not make heads or tails of that statement because Mel had no idea what she was trying to do. "Trying to do what?"_

_ "To feel. I've been trying to do things that might cause me give me a feeling."_

_ "I didn't know that. Does dancing help?"_

_ "Yes, I think so. I don't mind being the way I am, but if there's a chance that I can come to life so to speak, then I want it to happen. If there's another choice, I want it. If it was possible Mel, I would want to switch places with you."_

_ "Why in all that our father said was holy would you say something like that? I didn't even graduate high school. You're some genius kid. How could you say that?"_

_ She shrugged. "Your way of being just seems better. What's the point of everything if I can't even reap the rewards? Father would always preach about how happiness and fulfillment come from a family and friends and not from material possessions. I just don't understand all that 'love stuff.' So what's the point?" The quotes around the word love were almost tangible. _

_ "Don't be so dense. We need you with us. Marc, and Andrew, and Faust, and Karl; I need you around. Mother and Daddy, too. You may be all shriveled up inside, sister, but you have to suck it up and be here for the rest of us. Whether you return the feeling or not, we love you and are rather fond of having you in our family. You don't love someone for yourself. You love someone for them. You're never the beneficiary in those cases. The point of all of this, of _you_, is to be around for us."_

_ A frown stared Mel in the face. Indeed, Alyssa had flown off her internal perch and was flipping through her memories. That explanation made little and less sense to her. Why in the world would anyone spend so much energy only to get nothing in return? She was not criticizing the idea; she was only more and more frustrated with herself for not understanding what made it all worthwhile. Despite all the times she had blasted romantic relationships for being baffling and exhausting, she still did very much _want_ to understand. The question that Andrew had posed to her earlier suddenly rang in her mind. If someone really liked her, maybe even loved her somehow, would she agree to be married? Perhaps she should say yes. Experience was the best teacher, of course. Then again, marriage was not something to be tossed around as an experiment. She couldn't just quit on marriage if she found she didn't like it. If no feelings ever existed within her, she could never give her husband (or maybe her wife, since anything was possible) the life he wanted. 'Homemaker' was not a word that could be used to describe Alyssa. Even if she did have feelings, she could never see herself cooing over babies or asking a spouse about their day and actually caring about the answer. It all was useless and stupid and _it didn't make any sense_! But she longed for it all to fall into place. If she danced until her toes bled and tears finally fell from her eyes, then, maybe then, this Pinocchio would come to life. _

A program will shut down, completely crash, when there are holes in the code. For example, if alpha characters are allowed to be entered in a program that must only be numerical, and that piece of incorrect data is later recalled, all functions will stop. Will Not Compute. If Zak were a computer program, and he was feeling very mechanical of late, then his database had been corrupted. His brother had corrupted his foundation. Sometimes he tried to tell himself that nothing was truly different. There was just a new label on things. Labels don't change composition. It was all futile of course. Zak didn't have the full picture, he knew that. But he knew enough to shake his core. So he passed the hours in CIC consumed in his own head thinking about how crazy his brother was. Besides the shock of hearing that Lee was medicated for mental instability, he was mostly hurt that he hadn't known before now. There had always been a distance between the two of them after Lee had fled and joined the military. Zak had never believed that the distance was so great that Lee wouldn't tell him when something was horribly wrong. It was only salt in the wound when he thought that the only reason that he got to finally find out was on accident. Crack his head on the canopy of a Viper, and all sort of skeletons come crawling out of the attic.

The realization of betrayal was so great that Zak couldn't bring himself to go back yet. He couldn't come flying back and accuse Lee of being a giant asshole without full understanding. With Kara refusing to tell him more, he was in a bit of a catch-22. Wouldn't return to speak with his brother until he had the full story, but the only way he could get that picture was to see him. The thoughts scrambled his brains like eggs. Nothing was making sense and, if there ever was an emergency requiring him to be firing on all mental capacities, he would be dead in the water. In short, Zak was useless and on the verge of becoming just as crazy as Lee was if he kept thinking about this. The best way to put his brain back in order? Find Alyssa.

Because he was not stupid, he went right down to the barren storage locker that he knew she and Simon Leary danced together in. This time of day was right in the thick of her dance time. It's not like there was any work for her to do. When there were Vipers to repair she could not be moved away from them even if the gods themselves demanded it. Because she was so dead set on maintaining them (i.e. doing the deckhands' jobs for them) there was very few maintenance jobs left. Already she had fixed Lee's smashed Mark VII with her minion Cally at her side. Zak wouldn't have said it was possible for Alyssa to have female friends but lo and behold, there it was. So, with no work to do, Zak walked right into the open hatch, stepping into the middle of a very complicated dance. Leary was in the middle of a lift and Alyssa caught sight of Zak while up in the air. Her partner set her down _en pointe_ and she bounded out of their practiced steps and right over Zak. Much to his surprise, she actually hugged him. Had she ever initiated a hug before?

"Hello," she said softly in his ear. On her toes again, she wafted back to her partner's arms to carry on their choreography as if there had been no interruption.

"Got a minute?"

"Several."

"Now?"

"Hold on."

Lurking like a weirdo, he waited for them to finish up their dance. It was done relatively quickly. She rolled off her toes and walked duck-footed in those ridiculous shoes away from Leary. When she was positioned in front of Zak, she said over her shoulder, "I'll see you around, Lieutenant."

Simon Leary was much more winded than Alyssa. Pink tinged his cheeks. His chest widened and contracted visibly. The look on his face seemed a little disappointed. Leary collected his things and left with a very curt 'Captain' for Alyssa.

"So what's up?" she asked Zak.

Automatically he followed her over to a corner where a pile of her stuff lay. She sat on the ground and he mirrored her. For just a moment he watched her long, spidery fingers work to undo the scraggly ribbons on her calves. When the shoe was finally tugged off, it revealed a litany of protective toe accessories.

Finally, he said, "I don't know."

"Hm."

"That's it?"

"You haven't said anything so it's difficult to have a good response."

"Right."

Both feet free of their dungeon, Alyssa rolled onto her back and put her legs up against the wall. This was a familiar position. She said that the position utilized gravity to keep her feet from swelling. "Is your brain constipated or something? Don't force it, Zak. Its time will come."

He gave a courtesy laugh at that. "Yeah, well, I'm useless unless this passes soon. I can't think with this log clogging up my brain."

"Take your time but don't take too long."

As luck would have it, Zak could not successfully put his thoughts into words. So they passed a considerable amount of time as he tried in vain to explain what was going on in his head to her. This was almost a complete and utter failure. They were eventually interrupted by Klaxons wailing. Ship now in condition one, they left each other for their respective stations. Zak made it back to CIC in a flash but was worried about his mixed up brains the whole time. They were facing off against a Cylon scouting mission, so an unwarranted feeling of calm soothed him. Nothing too horrible was happening that would require any really impressive ideas. The alert fighters had already been launched. The catch was, of course, that Kara was still out there with her trainees. Chatter among the pilots filled CIC. Zak had nothing to do but listen. Very quickly things spiraled downhill. His sense of calm had been highly misleading. The group of would-be pilots were en route back to _Galactica_ when one them decided to be a hero (right after Kara had decided to be the hero and stall all the Raiders until the alter fighters arrived).

Zak was quite sure that his brain was on the verge of an overload. Coming to her aid, the hopeful pilot called Hot Dog helped Kara take out all the Raiders. Or that was what it seemed like since no more contact pinged on the DRADIS screen. The pilots' coms were silent. The other recruits had already landed. Not a peep from Kara or Hot Dog. Bill was already mumbling for search-and-rescue Raptors to head out and recover their pilots. The alert fighters were already canvasing the area. It had all happened so fast. Just when they thought they had gotten more pilots to fill the roster, two were missing. Two steps forward and one step back. Over and over again Zak told himself that they would be found. They _had_ to be found.

Unaware of time passing, Zak became aware of the chattering again when they got word that Hot Dog had been recovered. Great. Not the one he wanted, if Zak was being frank. The air felt thick. He walked over to his father at the command table and simply stood there.

"Is there something you wanted to say, Lieutenant?" Bill asked.

"There are a lot of things I want to say."

"Well?"

"I can't quite figure out how to word any of them." A steadying breath centered him. "We'll find her."

"Of course we'll find her."

"She's family. We have to find her. We can't lose any more family. We have to bring her home."

"We will, son," Bill said so that no one else could hear. "I think we're through letting pieces of our family wander away, don't you?"

"Yes." And he was surprised with the certainty with which he said it.

"It's time we start sticking together. Who else do we have if not our family?"

Zak nodded mutely.

Heavy and strong, his father's hand squeezed his shoulder. "Go down to engineering. See if any of those brains have any ideas about detecting where she might be. Send up anyone with a valid point."

A thought occurred to him. "Sir, who is acting CAG?"

Bill frowned. He wanted so badly to say that Lee would be acting CAG until such a time that Kara was relocated. But his oldest son was still lying in sickbay giving the medical staff fits with that concussion to end all concussions. Perhaps he was faking the symptoms just to irk them. Bill shook his head hoping that the physical action might also wipe those thoughts away. He said without confidence, "I'll talk to Racetrack."

The answer didn't really matter to Zak. He just thought it might be nice to remind Commander Adama that he did not have a lot of options at this point in time, so he should really establish that now. A lazy salute was his way to say goodbye. The stormy ocean in his head calmed with every step he took back to the engineering deck. That was his home more than CIC. Those were his people. Hopefully the familiar territory would bring with it the clarity he had been experiencing so often lately. It was one thing to be free of a Kara in a relationship; he wanted it. It was causing him worse fits to entertain the thought that the rest of his miserable space-nomad existence would have to go on without her. Where's the fun without Kara Thrace?

* * *

Note:

Thanks for coming back! I know my time between updates is getting annoyingly and obnoxiously longer, and I apologize. I can't blame the delay entirely on college and work. I got wrapped up in watching _Sherlock _on Netflix. Wow! What a program. It's been occupying all of my free head space. I just can't stop thinking about it. That's my excuse this week. I'll think of a new one for next time. The point is that I'm grateful for your continued interest and I won't just stop or give up when there is still someone out there with mild interest. Everyone matters to me.

Cheers,

E.R.


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